Sunday, May 27, 2012

Meet The Press - May 27, 2012

Gov. Martin O'Malley (D-MD)
Newt Gingrich
Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa (D-Los Angeles)
Carly Fiorina
E.J. Dionne
David Brooks
Maria Shriver
Michael Lewis

Gregory: Newt do you support Mitt Romney

Gingrich: eh - I guess I mean he is white

Gregory: what did you learn about
Mitt when you lost to him

Gingrich: he’s a completely vicious amoral liar

Gregory: so you gained a lot of respect for him

Gingrich: absolutely

Gregory: Is Obama anti-business?

O’Malley: no he isn’t Fluffy

Gregory: are you sure?

O’Malley: Romney destroyed jobs as
a businessman and then wrecked Massachusetts

Gingrich: Obama caused the recession in 2007!

Gregory: oooh zinger

Gingrich: Solyndra!

Gregory: didn’t you also attack Bain?

Gingrich: I never went after private equity
- I just attacked it

Gregory: can you defend private equity then?

Gingrich: Unemployment was low in
Massachusetts many years ago!

O’Malley: Obama inherited a recession
and added million of jobs and now
unemployment is at a three-year low

Gregory: those are just numbers

O'Malley: Romney would bring back Bush policies
which caused the recession in the first place!

Gregory: but you once shook hands
with someone from private equity

O'Malley: yes but I showered afterwards

Gingrich: Obama caused a depression in 2008!

O'Malley: that’s stupid you racist grifter

Gingrich: Obama has raised the debt!

O'Malley: Romney drove up the debt
in Massachusetts and added
government employees

Gingrich: Obama raised the price of gas

O'Malley: the price of gas is going down
you ignorant trogdolyte

Gregory: how can we elect Mitt Romney

Gingrich: Frankly Bain Capital should
be nominated for sainthood

O'Malley: ‘Bush Recession’ - ring a bell?

Gingrich: Republicans never talk
about Jimmy Carter

Gregory: ha that’s a good one newticles

Gingrich: Newt you’re a sociopath and
even you said Mitt was heartless to immigrants

Gingrich: Mexicans love cars and will
vote for Romney to get lower gas prices

Gregory: let’s bash Obama some more

O'Malley: we need to spend more
on bridges and schools

Gregory: so Obama will spend more
if he’s reelected?

O'Malley: no - he’s just not going
to be Mitt Romney!

Gingrich: we could help poor illegal
immigrant children by giving them
lucrative jobs as janitors

Gregory: what advice would you have
to anyone running for President?

Gingrich: raise a lot of money and try
not to be a racist dickhead in public

Gregory: are you greatly disappointed
in the American people for not seeing
your awesomeness and electing you

Gingrich: no because I would not want to
be President of such a thoroughly useless
group of people as Americans

Gregory: you would you like to be
the Vice President candidate

Gingrich: such an office is beneath me
as it does not pay at least $1 million

Gregory: Marty will you run for
President in 2016?

O'Malley: Did you know Scott Walker
has a criminal defense fund

Besty: shut him up! shut him up!

Gregory: let’s take a break

Gregory: we know it’s election season
because famous people are voluntarily
going to Cleveland and Cincinnati

Audience: nobody puts Akron in a corner

Gregory: the most important issues in
America are the evil Hilary Rosen and
how wonderful Bain Capital is

Brooks: people used to like Obama but
now they will hate him because he
attacked Bain Capital

Dionne: the debate about Bain Capital is
worth having because we need to discuss
what kind of capitalism we want

Gregory: oh I don't think so

Fiorina: Bain invested in small start-ups
and created many jobs!

Gregory: well I’m sold

Fiorina: Obama is an untested amateur!

Gregory: that’s true in a way

Fiorina: Obama will fail because the
American people love Bain

Brooks: exactly - criticizing financiers
is a losing argument!

Villaraigosa: you guys crack me up

Gregory: why Antonio?

Villaraigosa: Romney put Bain Capital
front-and-center and it will ruin him

Gregory: sadly Obama is apparently
leading in every fucking category of voter

Brooks: not in Europe

Gregory: well that’s something

Brooks: Obama is popular but he will
lose this election because he just so mean

Fiorina: Frankly Obama is disappointingly not nice

Dionne: good god what a load of tripe

Gregory: can we tip this election to Romney
if we put Marco Rubio on the ticket?

Villaraigosa: Romney wants 11 million
people deported

Brooks: that’s probably not going to help

Gregory: the heroic Scott Walker
may be recalled

Brooks: it is true Scott Walker is evil but
he has some great ideas

Gregory: speaking of obnoxious blowhards
- Donald Trump endorsed Mitt Romney

Dionne: indeed Romney is very wise
to hitch his wagon to the Trump star

Colin Powell: Mitt Romney’s foreign policy
makes normal Republicans ask themselves
- what the fuck?

Fiorina: what Mitt meant is that Vladimir
Putin is an untrustworthy bastard

Gregory: Maria give me some life advice
because I feel like something has
gone very wrong with me

Shriver: Fluffy you need to pause and ask
- why do I hate myself

Lewis: here’s the thing about commencement
speeches - kids don’t fucking care what some
old sell-out has to say

Gregory: but I did one a few weeks ago

Lewis: oh well then I stand corrected

Shriver: as a nation we’re all graduating
into a world where our failed governor husbands
admit they had a child with the nanny and
went on to make terrible movies

Gregory: should people do what they
love or should they become corporate whores?

Lewis: I quit Wall Street and went on
to write books and I’m really glad I did

Gregory: dear god how awful

Gregory: Maria your father said people
should break their mirrors and stop
being so self-obsessed - was he crazy

Shriver: he was railing against our
societal narcissism Fluffy

Gregory: [ fluffs hair ]
sorry what

Lewis: I just hope I get something
good out of this - maybe a Princeton
admission for my kids

Shriver: ha - that’s not going to happen

Gregory: and that’s another
episode of Meet The Press


This Week with George Stephanopoulos - May 27, 2012

Host: Jake Tapper
Leon Panetta - Secretary of Defense
George Will
Ron Brownstein
Liz Claman
Nia-Malika  Henderson

Tapper: wow it’s memorial day and
we’re still at war for the 11th straight year
- that’s an all-time record!

Audience: USA! USA!

Tapper: Leon how terrified should I be?

Panetta: very very scared

Tapper: yikes

Panetta: I was head of the CIA and I got
information that would make you
hide under your bed

Tapper: like what

Panetta: they’re creating another
tv show about the Kardashians

Tapper: oh my god

Tapper: what happens when we leave
and the Taliban take over Afghanistan?

Panetta: in 10 years of fighting against the
U.S. Army the Taliban is slightly weaker
- so we’re on the right track

Tapper: are you fucking kidding

Panetta: the American people need
to know our fight with the Taliban
is just beginning

Tapper: I can’t believe this shit I’m hearing

Panetta: I know it’s bad but we’re going
in the right direction Tappy

Tapper: General Allen says the good news
is that our ally caught Afghan soldiers who
were planning to kill Americans

Panetta: right

Tapper: that doesn’t seem like good news me

Panetta: true but after 10 years we have
finally trained Afghans to fight and kill

Tapper: Mitt Romney says you’re naïve
for telling our enemies the date we’re leaving

Panetta: well we are leaving and we have
to set a date so the troops know
to set their DVRs

Tapper: that makes sense

Panetta: we won the war! it’s over!

Tapper: A Pakistani doctor helped us
catch bin Laden and for his reward Pakistan
gave him a gold star and life in prison

Panetta: it’s absolutely incredible -
he helped us get a notorious murderer of Americans

Tapper: how can they be our ally or
even be trusted - bin Laden killed muslims too!

Panetta: I know but Pakistan knows where
the bodies are buried - literally

Tapper: we give them billions of dollars
and they are trying to haggle over the
cost to drive their roads

Panetta: fuck that shit -
no more than $500 per truck!

Tapper: should we invade Yemen?

Panetta: why bother - it’s hot and boring

Tapper: al-qaeda has taken over
the whole country

Panetta: three words: Game Of Drones

Tapper: doesn’t that create even more enemies?

Panetta: our flying robots of death defend
Americans by killing people from the air

Tapper: Iran is running out the clock
until they build a bomb

Panetta: not at all Tappy

Tapper: are we going to attack Iran?

Panetta: we will if we have to

Tapper: do you often share classified
information with Hollywood moviemakers

Panetta: we only share enough information
to guarantee a good opening weekend
with a high market share

Tapper: are you sick of our liberal
President chest-thumping about his successes?

Panetta: Americans should be proud
of getting bin Laden

Tapper: but Obama politicized the victory

Panetta: boo fucking hoo

Tapper: Harry Reid wants to cut
the defense budget

Panetta: the automatic cuts would
be a total disaster!

Tapper: wow

Tapper: if Obama is reelected will you
go work for a defense contractor or
will you go into private equity?

Panetta: Lets’ just say my two miniature
dobermans are named Lockheed and Martin

Gregory: thanks for coming Leon

[ break ]

Tapper: Obama is attacking Bain Capital!

Will: Solyndra! Socialism!

Claman: Private equity is great but it
doesn’t create jobs

Brownstein: Obama has been effective
in taking down Romney but now he has to
tell people how he would fix America

Henderson: The Romney camp is telling
supporters not to worry since he is only
just beginning to alienate
people across America

Tapper: good news!


Sunday, May 20, 2012

Meet The Press - May 20, 2012

Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI)
Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL)
Mayor Cory Booker (D-Newark)
Jim Cramer
Kimberly Strassel
Mike Murphy

Gregory: wow look at these crazy
violent NATO protestors!

Audience: ooh white people

Gregory: the question for today is how
do we get the economy growing
besides slashing spending?

Audience: ye gods

Gregory: Paul - did austerity in Europe fail?

Ryan: no they just didn’t
have enough austerity!

Gregory: I see

Ryan: we are going to pre-empt austerity
by putting it in place before we have to

Gregory: Do you liberals just want more debt?

Durbin: no the answer is cut spending
but preserving programs which spend money

Gregory: I see

Durbin: Paul Ryan wants to give
rich people $150,000

Gregory: can we cut spending and
have economic growth?

Durbin: yes - we just can’t cut
any popular programs

Ryan: my plan increases spending -
we just slow it down!

Gregory: wow!

Ryan: if we slash the debt now we
can finally bring interest rates down!

Gregory: I hear even Republicans hate your plan

Ryan: that’s only when people found what is in it

Gregory: that sounds like a problem

Ryan: look I just want to cut taxes
for rich people and slash Medicaid

Gregory: the reality is that politicians
can’t agree on the spending cuts I want

Durbin: that is so fucking sad

Gregory: Boehner says wants
to risk default again

Durbin: I was stunned - he almost killed
the U.S. economy last year

Gregory: ha

Durbin: I voted for Simpson-Bowles
and to put everything on the table
and the GOP said no

Gregory: how politically skillful you are

Gregory: Paul Ryan isn’t it true that
Joe Biden is a horrible person

Ryan: yes

Gregory: I’m glad you admitted it

Ryan: Bowles-Simpson is a failure because
it won’t cut health care for old people

Gregory: that’s a shame

Ryan: this election is all about which
vision for slashing the debt is best

Gregory: so will you compromise?

Ryan: that’s all I’ve been doing!

Gregory: how so?

Ryan: We must slash spending before
we are forced to slash spending!

Gregory: are you wiling to raise taxes?

Ryan: yes! by cutting taxes!

Gregory: if you lose the election
will you change your mind?

Ryan: we have a massive debt crisis!

Gregory: Dick what if Governor Romney
wins the election - will you finally cut
taxes for rich people like me?

Durbin: I have a plan with to implement
Simpson-Bowles with Tom Coburn
and he’s a fucking lunatic

Gregory: Obama leads in every poll
but the one I’m putting up now

Durbin: Obama saved the economy Fluffy

Ryan: We can avoid austerity if
we just slash spending!

Gregory: are you going to be
the Vice President?

Ryan: why not me?

Gregory: coming next - if the election
were held today, how confusing would that be?

[ break ]

Gregory: the election won’t solve the debt or cut taxes

Murphy: I know it’s so sad

Strassel: not if Republicans take over everything

Gregory: we can only hope

Cramer: no one like tax loopholes

Gregory: why didn’t Obama cut rich
people’s taxes - he could have gotten
bipartisan agreement on that!

Booker: I like you Fluffy but with
all respect you are an idiot

Greg: let’s look at Romney’s recent
piece of propaganda

[ plays ad ]

Gregory: wow that was a really powerful ad

Cramer: yes but he’s going to get killed on Bain

Strassel: he’s tearing down Obama
and it’s not enough

Gregory: I want to get back to how
wonderful Romney is

Murphy: this election is a race to
define Mitt Romney

Gregory: oh noe

Gregory: Obama says Romney is a
200 year old vampire

Booker: I love Bain Capital

Gregory: everyone I talk to says
private equity is totally awesome

Booker: Obama cuts taxes and
cut spending!

Gregory: great!

Booker: Obamacare rocks!

Gregory: go Cory go

Booker: attacking Bain Capital
is nauseating!

Strassel: Bain is a savior of businesses!

Gregory: how can we persuade people
to vote for Mitt Romney?

Murphy: criticizing Romney on Bain
is the single worst ad in American history

Cramer: firing people is chic

Gregory: le freak c’est chic

Booker: I fired people too and it
was surprisingly fun

Gregory: sweet

Booker: Obama is right on the big issues!

Cramer: Obama saved the auto industry
- let him talk about that!

Murphy: Romney would have also
saved the auto industry

Cramer: bullshit!

Booker: trickle-down economics doesn’t work

Strassel: Obama thinks all private business is bad

Gregory: hee hee

Gregory: a GOP Super Pac wants to
go after Rev. Wright

Murphy: that story was totally unfair to racists

Gregory: this is just like going after
Romney for his Mormon faith which
is not actually happening

Strassel: Obama is smearing Romney
donors so he is the bad guy here

Murphy: it  was racist unfair smearing
to say Romney has no political core
just because he has no convictions

Gregory: will Chris Christie be Vice President?

Booker: Would I like him to leave
New Jersey - absolutely!

Gregory:  what about Europe?

Cramer: German austerity will lead to
a damn global recession

Gregory: Facebook is a terrible failure
because it’s only worth $100 billion

Cramer: Sell! Sell! Sell!

Booker: scribbling
[ ‘note to self: buy facebook’ ]

Rubio: Obama is terribly divisive!

Gregory: Obama didn’t make Republicans
act normal like he promised he would

Booker: that is the stupidest thing
you’ve ever said Fluffy

Gregory: I disagree -  I’ve said
much stupider things

Murphy: they said Romney has no core
which is racist demagoguery

Gregory: and that’s another
episode of Meet The Press


This Week with George Stephanopoulos - May 20, 2012

Speaker John Boehner (R-OH)
Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)
Gavin Newsom
George Will
Matthew Dowd
Laura Ingraham
Stephanopoulos: wow austerity completely
failed so Boehner wants to slash spending

Audience: of course

Stephanopoulos: John why are you so
focused on the debt

Boehner: if we cut the debt your local
pizza shop will finally higher more people

Stephanopoulos: you’re joking

Boehner: the most important issue in
America is the debt!

Stephanopoulos: if default is so scary why
would you threaten to default?

Boehner: because we must increase
defense spending

Stephanopoulos: why default now?

Boehner: because we still have a chance
to make the Obama Presidency failure!

Stephanopoulos: most people think
you are a failure as a Speaker

Boehner: these Tea Party frogs won’t stay
in the wheelbarrow

Stephanopoulos: that’s quite an image

Boehner: Democrats control this city!
[ sobs]

Stephanopoulos: you’re the Speaker of the House!

Boehner: everyone is so mean!!
[ sniffles ]

Stephanopoulos: Democrats say Bain Capital
was a job-killing vampire

Boehner: Mitt Romney is rich and successful!

Stephanopoulos: does that mean
he should be President?

Boehner: he’s a handsome white guy!

Stephanopoulos: what about Rev. Wright?

Boehner: it’s all nonsense - the election
is about how Obama caused the
recession in 2007

Stephanopoulos: Should Facebook geeks
be allowed to renounce their citizenship?

Boehner: it’s outrageous!

Stephanopoulos: JP Morgan lost $3 billion
- do we need more regulation or
should we repeal Dodd-Frank?

Boehner: so JP Morgan lost a little money
but customers and taxpayers were never at risk

Stephanopoulos: are you sure?

Boehner:  no

Stephanopoulos: repeal Dodd-Frank?

Boehner: we need more gambling on Wall Street!

Stephanopoulos: will you lose the House?

Boehner: a lot of tea party freshman are morons

Stephanopoulos: good point

Stephanopoulos: will you be re-elected Speaker?

Boehner: yeah

Stephanopoulos: good lord why

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: should we fight over
the debt ceiling?

Pelosi: no it’s childish

Stephanopoulos: should we do it right now

Pelosi: yes - let’s cut taxes for the middle class

Stephanopoulos: wouldn’t that make the deficit worse?

Pelosi: let’s grow America!

Stephanopoulos: Boehner says his members
are uncontrollable lunatics

Pelosi: oh believe me he’s right about that

Stephanopoulos: you endorsed Simpson-Bowles
and Russ Feingold freaked out

Pelosi: I like the balance of Simpson-Bowles
except the cuts to Social Security

Stephanopoulos: Boehner says only Republicans
can save the economy they killed

Pelosi: Obama took us from a Depression
to a happy place

Stephanopoulos: can Democrats win
the next election?

Pelosi: damn right we can Stephy

Stephanopoulos: Dianne Feinstein says
the Taliban could take over Afghanistan

Pelosi: who the hell cares - we’ve been
there 10 years

Stephanopoulos: how does Obama win the election?

Pelosi: Win the future - win the election

Stephanopoulos: is it fair to call ads
about Rev. Wright race-baiting?

Pelosi: sure it is

Stephanopoulos: you’ve been in the
House for 25 years

Pelosi: Democrats will come back better than ever

Stephanopoulos: then what?

Pelosi: overturn Citizens United and
get public financing of campaigns

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: what about the fiscal cliff?

Will: the debt ceiling debate was great
- let’s do it again

Stephanopoulos: but our credit rating
was downgraded

Will: Obama is a snooty bastard who
wanted a clean debt bill

Stephanopoulos: that’s what every
President got before him

Will: [ snort ]

Stephanopoulos: don’t they want to
cut the debt just to hurt President Obama?

Ingraham: yes which is why we must
deal with the debt now!

Stephanopoulos: this whole conversation is crazy!

Dowd: Dysfunction today! Dysfunction tomorrow! Dysfunction forever!

Will: I love dysfunction

Ingraham: We have no money!

Newsom: unemployed people cannot
afford this stupidity

Stephanopoulos: let’s take a break so
everyone on the panel can take their medication


Sunday, May 13, 2012

Meet The Press - May 13, 2012

Jamie Dimon - CEO JP Morgan Chase
Reince Preibus - Chair, Republican
National Committee
Rep. Carl Levin (R-MI)
Andrew Ross Sorkin
Chris Matthews
Jonathan Capehart

Gregory: good morning - wow we were all
talking about gay marriage and now
have to talk about a big Wall Street fuck up!

Gregory: good morning Jamie

Dimon: Hi Fluffy

Gregory: you said that crazy London
trader was a tempest in a teapot and
then he lost $2 billion

Dimon: that’s true but in my defense
I’m an idiot

Gregory: how did you all miss
this massive risk?

Dimon: we’re arrogant dipshits

Gregory: how many laws did you break?

Dimon: at best were sloppy and stupid

Gregory: was it criminal?

Dimon: I am guilty - guilty of being adorable!

Gregory: what went wrong?

Dimon: in hindsight betting $2 billion
on the Knicks sweeping the Heat was a mistake

Gregory: you ably led your company through
the New Depression - how could you be so stupid?

Dimon: we’re all just horrible people

Gregory: you’re such a genius - how
much money will the morons lose?

Dimon: we want to the government to
destroy bad banks bury the carcass
and salt the earth

Gregory: should banks gamble
with customer money?

Dimon: probably not but it’s just too tempting

Gregory: you have fought regulation tooth and nail

Dimon: not true! I love Dodd-Frank!

Gregory: I didn’t know that

Dimon: the riskiest bet is American homebuyers -
I hate those American-dream seeking bastards

Gregory: is Wall Street just too risky?

Dimon: Calm down Fluffy we only lost $2 billion

Gregory: isn’t that a lot?

Dimon:  please I have that much
in my couch cushions

[ break ]

[ pre-screw up interview ]

Gregory: Jamie are you just too awesome?

Dimon: probably

Gregory: what about Occupy Wall Street?

Dimon: we’re all to blame for the
recession and the total moral and
ethical collapse of Wall Street

Gregory: that seems right

Dimon: heck I would be willing to
pay more income taxes if I paid
less capital gains taxes

Gregory: so generous

Dimon: but all this finger-pointing
is pointless

Gregory: what about accountability
for destroying the economy?

Dimon: not all people on Wall Street are bad

Gregory: like that homeless guy
I walk by sometimes

Dimon: not all politicians are bad
just like not all media are bad - I like you Fluffy!

Gregory: thanks Jamie

Gregory: are we better off than
we were four years ago?

Dimon: well I’m even more obscenely rich

Gregory: I think I love you

Dimon: too much regulation is
preventing another bubble!

Gregory: you're not a Democrat anymore

Dimon: they attack the work ethic of
Wall Street which creates all things

Gregory: Why doesn’t Obama meet
with our Capitalist Industrial Overlords

Dimon: he hates us just because we
are mostly Republicans

Gregory: we need Simpson-Bowles

Dimon: it’s so awesome because
it cuts Social Security!

Gregory: nice

Dimon: when we eliminate Medicaid
the Confidence Fairies will plotz!

[ break ]

Gregory: what about JP Morgan
losing $2 billion?

Levin: Wall Street is still making heedless
bets to get rich - how shocking

Gregory: should Jamie Dimon still
sit on the Fed board?

Levin: well idiots need representation too

Gregory: what price should be paid?

Levin: we’re going to shove the
Volcker Rule down their throats!

Gregory: DC regulators have got momentum!

Levin: damm right!

Gregory: Andy what he hell happened?

Sorkin: If a god-like man like Jamie Dimon
can screw up this badly there is
no hope for rest of us

Gregory: I know my world is shattered

Sorkin: this was the casino culture
that caused the crisis in the first place

Gregory: JP Morgan is still making
a lot of money

Sorkin: they gambled with $100 billion
they didn’t have!

Gregory: would the Volcker Rule have helped?

Levin: we can’t have taxpayers bailing
out these gamblers every time they fuck up!

Gregory: yes but Jamie Dimon is a
handsome man who didn’t want
the bailout money

Levin: oh fuck that twerp

Sorkin: we will never know if the laws
work until a huge bank collapses and
that’s fucking frightening

Gregory: will gay marriage be a
defining issue of the election?

Preibus: no it’s going to be about
blaming Obama for the 2007 depression

Gregory: some Republicans don’t
despise gay people

Preibus: I hate those people

Gregory: so you aren’t worried
about losing votes?

Preibus: no because most people
are straight and a lot of people are assholes

Gregory: Rand Paul said Obama
couldn’t get any gayer

Preibus: Mitt Romney believes that
gay people should be treated with
respect and also total disdain

Gregory: is gay marriage a civil rights issue?

Preibus: no it’s defining marriage as a
great institution not allowed
to people I don’t like

Gregory: you could say that about Jim Crow laws

Preibus: that’s a bad analogy because
gay people were never killed

Gregory: do gays deserve equal rights?

Preibus: oh sure I just don’t want
them married - they should shack up

Gregory: you said you can’t federalize
marriage but Romney wants to
amend the Constitution to ban marriage

Preibus: I agree with him

Gregory: that makes no sense at all

Preibus: Obama caused recession!

Gregory: what?

Preibus: gas prices are high!

Gregory: you are becoming incoherent

Preibus: what doesn’t that black
President just shut up?!

Gregory: JP Morgan lost $2 billion -
do we need more banking regulation?

Preibus: Dodd-Frank made things worse!

Gregory: what the hell are you talking about?

Preibus: Obama has made the
Bush financial crisis worse!

Gregory: Betsy get the hook

Preibus: [ being dragged away ]
the President is a ni [CLANG ]!!!!

Gregory: bye Reince
[ break ]

Gregory: Biden jumped the gay gun!

Matthews: I love that impulsive gaffe machine!

Newsom: anyway he did the right thing

Cardenes: Obama has always been
in favor of gay marriage

Gregory: but Obama won’t force
it on states

Capehart: states have always regulated
marriage so Obama is not punting Fluffy

Parker: Obama was evolving and so
the American people are too

Cardenes: maybe so but gays are icky

Matthews: if you are gay it’s very inspirational
for the President to support your rights

Gregory: you really liked it Chris

Matthews: it sent a thrill running up my leg

Newsom: Obama’s coming out was
quite impressive

Gregory: but Obama will be a failure
until he sends the national guard to North Carolina

Newsom: the army is gay now anyway

Gregory: is gay marriage good politics or bad?

Cardenes: you will have a massive
revival of social conservatives!

Gregory: what about Romney’s
history of bullying in high school?

Matthews: he’s a vicious creep

Parker: no he *was* a vicious creep -
now he is a heartless sociopath

Newsom: 70% of Americans opposed
interracial marriage in 1967

Capehart: Obama sided with loving families
when it was neither easy nor convenient

Gregory: and that’s another
episode of Meet The Press


This Week - May 13, 2012

Barney Frank (D-MA)
Marsha Blackburn (R-TN)
Eliot Spitzer
Hilary Rosen
Mary Matalin
Stephanopoulos: wow Obama became
the first President to endorse same-sex
marriage since James Buchanan

Romney: what’s the deal with those
long-haired gays anyway?

Stephanopoulos: congrats on your
upcoming nuptials Barney

Frank: thanks George

Stephanopoulos: did you expect
Obama to endorse gay weddings

Frank: that’s redundant

Stephanopoulos: true

Frank: of course I expected him to
since there is no sensible reason
to oppose it

Stephanopoulos: that never stooped
American Presidents before

Frank: Obama already opposed the
DOMA and endorsed gay soldiers

Blackburn: Obama is such a
gay-loving bumbler LOL!

Santorum: Obama is totally out of touch
with America’s homophobes

Blackburn: Let’s talk about how Obama
caused the Depression in 2007!

Stephanopoulos: you don’t want to talk
about gay rights do you?

Blackburn: gays is icky!

Stephanopoulos: Obama doesn’t
want to nationalize gay rights

Frank: the GOP wants to take away
marriage decisions from the states

Stephanopoulos: what about Constitutional
bans on inter-racial marriage?

Frank: did you know the Republicans
caused the Depression and job losses
peaked when Obama was sworn in and
have gone down ever since?

Blackburn: Obama hates women!

Stephanopoulos: I didn’t know that

Blackburn: gas prices!

Stephanopoulos: gas prices are going down

Blackburn: my four year-old grandson
owes $50,000 to the Chinese!

Stephanopoulos: cut up his credit cards

Stephanopoulos: Jamie Dimon said he
was stupid but Dodd-Frank is really
at fault for not stopping him

Frank: what a fucking moron

Stephanopoulos: hee hee

Frank: we’re trying to write rules to
prevent these disasters and guess
who is trying to stop us - the
Republicans in the House

Stephanopoulos: I’m shocked

Frank: I don’t care if banks fail I just don’t
want them to put the taxpayer on the hook

Blackburn: Obama is at fault for writing
so many regulations JP Morgan had
no choice but lose $2 billion gambling

Frank: lord almighty I’m surrounded by idiots

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: politicians don’t want
to talk about gay marriage

Matalin: voters don’t care about gay rights
they care about the debt!

Rosen: gay voters actually do care
about their civil rights

Reed: Obama caused the Depression
and now all he cares about
those handomse gay gays

Stephanopoulos: alrighty

Reed: Obama is going to lose Ohio because
he endorsed those irresistible gays

Spitzer: Obama can fix the economy and
endorse equal rights at the same time

Matalin: Biden outed Obama and the
President carries a purse ha ha

Stephanopoulos: you really are repulsive Mary

Rosen: Romney has devolved!

Reed: marriage has been between women
and attractive well-built men for 5,000 years

Stephanopoulos: good point Ralph

Reed: Obama has flip-flopped!

Matalin: Obama is bigoted against people
who hate gay people!

Rosen: gay people just want to join
the army and get married

Matalin: those perverts are destroying America!

Spitzer: Obama has failed to protect gays
working with federal contractors

Reed: discrimination against gays is
an awesome wedge issue!

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming weirdos


Sunday, May 06, 2012

Meet The Press - May 6, 2012

Vice President Joe Biden
Sen. Kelly Ayotte (R-NH)
Tom Brokaw
Diane Swonk (Mesirow Financial)
Chuck Todd
Robert DeNiro
Gregory: sluggish job numbers are bad
but the good news for Obama is he’s
running against Mitt Romney

Gregory: Joe is this a jobless recovery?

Biden: no we’re creating hundreds of
thousands of jobs per month

Gregory: but it’s so slow

Biden: we were losing millions of jobs
when we were sworn in - since then
we’ve slowly added hundreds of thousands

Gregory: Romney says you’re only
lowering unemployment because
people stopped looking for jobs

Biden: here’s the deal Fluffy -
Romney is Bush on steroids

Gregory: yikes

Biden: he wants to give the rich a
$2 trillion tax cut - will that create jobs?

Gregory: let’s try it and see

Biden: they will cut Medicare, Medicaid,
student loans, food stamps
and cut taxes for the super rich

Gregory: that’s all well and good but
the economic recovery is still slow
and Romney is a business guy

Biden: he never created jobs in Massachusetts

Gregory: it’s a communist enclave

Biden: this is the worst economy since
the Depression and the Republicans
wouldn’t pass our jobs bill!

Gregory: but would that really create
Jobs more than cutting my taxes?

Biden: yes it would man!

Gregory: what about that blind Chinese dissident?

Biden: we have the papers filed for
him to appear on Dancing with the Stars

Gregory: that could be awesome

Biden: damn right man

Gregory: what went wrong in China?

Biden: we handled it right so of course
people complain about it

Gregory: you don’t care about freedom
- just about asking the Chinese to please
keep funding our dept

Biden: no true - I showed the Chinese
my American DNA which is chock
full of Freedom Chromosomes®

Gregory: who will be Obama’s Vice President?

Biden: I’m pretty sure I will be

Gregory: ha ha not Hilary Clinton?

Biden: look man Obama is fucking amazing

Gregory: who will win the election in 2012?

Biden: these idiots think the
Soviet Union still exists man!

Gregory: what about gay marriage?

Biden: who do you love?

Gregory: General Electric

Biden: that’s awesome for you man

Gregory: are you ok with gay marriage

Biden: sure men with men or if you want
to be loyal to a corporation that’s cool

Gregory: what about Obama

Biden: Will and Grace educated
the American public

Gregory: it did?

Biden: sure we learned that a
single woman’s best friend should
be an uptight gay man

Gregory: what have you learned about the gays?

Biden: gay people make awesome parents

Gregory: Osama bin Laden wanted to
kill Obama and put you in power
because you are a “gaffe driven infidel”

Biden: he’s been wrong about a
lot of things including whether we
would hunt him down and kill him

Gregory: Is Obama spiking the football?

Biden: he did what he said he would do
- he went to the Gates of Hell!

Gregory: he appeared on Fox News?

Biden: Romney said he wouldn’t
move heaven and earth to get bin Laden

Gregory: you questioned Romney
but you yourself opposed the
raid to get bin Laden

Biden: damn right - but Obama
made the right decision

Gregory: is Romney weak?

Biden: I don’t know but I know this much -
Barack Obama is a stone cold
motherfucking ninja assasin

Gregory: is there a right-wing
conspiracy against Obama?

Biden: the Tea Party has taken
over the GOP - and they’re idiots!

Gregory: will you raise taxes
on rich people like me?

Biden: yes because we are fighting
for the middle class

Gregory: you’re just saying
that because it’s popular

Biden: the GOP argues that giving rich
people all the money will help everyone else

Gregory: that sounds like a good plan

Biden: it’s crap Fluffy!

Biden: what about Mitch McConnell?

Biden: the Tea Party wouldn’t let
him extend the payroll tax cut!

Gregory: John Boehner is a nice guy though

Biden: the tea party tail wags that
orange Republican dog!

Gregory: can Obama unite America?

Biden: he rescued the auto industry
and it made people say -
hey maybe this guy is ok

Gregory: who would you like debate
as Vice President?

Biden: not Chris Christie - he scares
the piss out of me

Gregory: who will run in 2016 - you or Hillary Clinton

Biden: maybe I can be her Vice President
- I’m tanned rested and ready!

Gregory: thanks for coming Joe

Gregory: Kelly give me the Romney perspective

Ayotte: Obama is terribly divisive

Gregory: really?

Ayotte: also he’s a total failure

Gregory: I see

Ayotte: I love the drone strikes but
he should have bombed Iran

Gregory: Joe Biden says there is no stagnation

Swonk: the depression was much worse
than we thought - oh and Europe
could drag us into another recession

Gregory: thanks for that pick-me-up sunshine

Brokaw: the American people are not
convinced we are really recovering -
they have a lingering virus of economic doldrums

Todd: Romney can’t go to Ohio and
bash the economy because Jon Kasich
will be mad

Gregory: should we go back to Bush’s policies?

Ayotte: Obama has failed and he’s dumb too

Gregory: how so?

Ayotte: he wants to ban teenagers from working
and also he hasn’t paid off the national debt

Brokaw: I talked to the American Middle
the other day and they hate Washington

Gregory: bold words warbler

Swonk: political gridlock hurts the
economy - but it’s not all bad because
the Dow is soaring

Brokaw: Simpson-Bowles! Warble-warble!

Ayotte: we must pay down the debt!

Todd: Paul Ryan killed Alan Simpson!

Ayotte: Obama should have stopped
him from murdering that poor old man

Gregory: who will Mittens will
name as Vice President

Ayotte: me!

Gregory: no seriously

Ayotte: some one from a swing state

Gregory: are you ready to be President?

Ayotte: I’m more experienced than Barack Obama!

Gregory: how about Newt Gingrich?

Brokaw: that you would even ask that
question reminds me - the American
people told me they hate you

Gregory: oh noes

Brokaw: not you specifically - they hate the
glittering White House Correspondents Dinner
with it’s Cristal champagne and
diamond-encrusted truffles

Gregory: both those gold-leaf komodo dragon
canapés are so tasty

Brokaw: they also think you interview
too many celebrities

Gregory: here I am yelling with Robert DeNiro

Brokaw: [ facepalm ]

Gregory: hey that ugly Freedom Tower
is now taller than the Empire State Building

DeNiro: are you talkin’ to me?
It look like you’re talkin’ to me

Gregory: yes I am

DeNiro: ok

Gregory: do you like Obama?

DeNiro: he got bin Laden!

Gregory: how about the economy
of lower Manhattan

Swonk: it’s rocking!

Gregory: sweet

Swonk: I never give up on the American
people particularly Wall Street which
has a way of bouncing back

Gregory: and that’s another
episode of Meet The Press


This Week - May 6, 2012

David Axelrod
Sen. John McCain (R-AZ)
George Will
Tavis Smiley
Greta Van Susteren
Bay Buchanan

Tapper: OMG Obama is still running
on hope and change

Audience: ooh

Tapper: Axel the economy kind of sucks

Axelrod: yeah but when we got into office
we were losing millions of jobs and now
we’re slowing adding thousands of jobs

Tapper: not bad but not great

Axelrod: we can’t go back or it will
be another disaster

Tapper: Obama asks will you be better off
four years from now

Axelrod: right - if we elect Romney will have
the same policies that destroyed the economy
in the first place

Tapper: no one is turning out for your rallies

Axelrod: we had 14,000 people yesterday!

Tapper: yes but that stadium is
very big ergo Obama sucks

Axelrod: that was 11,000 more than
Mitt Romney ever got

Tapper: yes but with Mittens its
quality not quantity

Axelrod: how do you mean?

Tapper: Mitt went had a rally at the mansion
of the CEO of Papa Johns - the dozen people
there have more money than at
14,000 students at Ohio State

Tapper: when will Obama start touting his
record instead of just talking about
killing bin Laden and saving General Motors

Axelrod: that is his record Tappy!

Tapper: is Obama spitting on troops
by killing bin Laden?

Axelrod: Obama made a gutsy call - and
if it failed you can bet Mitt Romney would
be all it like white rice on brown rice

Tapper: Mitt Romney says it’s shameful to
bring a Chinese dissident to America in a
responsible way instead of spitting in their face

Axelrod: sounds like he’ll make a great President

Tapper: Senator isn’t Mitt Romney
increasingly sounding like an idiot

McCain: yes he is but China is still
communist which is Obama’s fault

Tapper: in 2008 you said Romney was naïve
for saying it wasn’t worth it going after
one guy who attacked America on 9/11

McCain: Obama killed Neda!

Tapper: jesus

McCain: Iraq is unraveling!

Tapper: uh-oh

McCain: the Russians are supplying
guns to Syria - we must take sides!

Tapper: calm down John you’re getting all puffy

McCain: women are being raped while
Obama goes to the Holocaust Museum!
I’m not making this up!

Tapper: I’ve heard some rebels in
Syria are allied to al-qeada

McCain: so what?

Tapper: well you know al-qeada
is pretty bad

McCain: yes but helping al-qaeda would
hurt America’s greatest enemy which is Iran

Tapper: are you saying we should
form an alliance with al-qaeda?!?

McCain: If it hurts Iran yes!

Tapper: who should Mitt should pick
as his Vice President?

McCain: someone who is most ready
to become President immediately - like I did

Tapper: [ snort ]

McCain: I was told there would be pudding!

Tapper: thanks for coming gramps

[ break ]

Tapper: did Obama got to far in
pointing out he got bin Laden

Will: Obama keeps talking about himself
and people are so turned off he
can’t fill an 18,000 seat stadium

Buchanan: sure he deserves credit but
he never credits the Navy Seals

Tapper: that’s not true at all

Buchanan: maybe not but
it sounds good

Smiley: I hate the President because
he shouldn’t kill terrorists

Tapper: go on Tavis

Smiley: it’s unpresidential to wage war

Tapper: which country are you talking about

Goolsbee: Romney said he wouldn’t
take bin Laden out if he was in he
Pakistan so of course it’s a legitimate issue

Van Susteren: people are being killed
in Sudan and Syria and Mexico!

Tapper: oh my god send in the Marines!

Will: the Chinese eat at McDonald’s
and Starbucks but they are still evil

Tapper: our larded fries and $30 lattes
will destroy the oriental enemy!