Sunday, April 29, 2012

Meet The Press - April 29, 2012

April 29, 2012
Ed Gillespie
Robert Gibbs
Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers (R-WA)
Rachel Maddow
Hilary Rosen
John Castellanos
Brian Williams
Jason Sudekis
Fred Armisen

Gregory: Joe Biden says Mitt Romney
would not have killed Osama bin Laden

Gillespie: to politicize government
decisions is so shameful

Gregory: Bush put the of the
World Trade Center in his ads

Gillespie: yes but the destruction of
those building was Bush’s finest moment

Gregory: Dick Cheney says John Kerry
would weaken America

Gillespie: yes but that doesn’t count
since that was eight years ago

Gregory: is America safer because
of President Obama?

Gillespie: no because Obama has
been fighting with Israel

Gregory: I see

Gillespie: also Obama has weakened
America and under Romney our
nation will be stronger

Gregory: why is Mitt obsessed
with the Soviet Union?

Gillespie: Russia is bad and scary!

Gregory: Romney says Obama is taking
our freedom by returning to the
tax rates of the 1990s

Gillespie: President Obama is a Marxist
who raised prices for electricity

Gregory: good god

Gillespie: President Obama caused
the recession 2007

Gregory: cripes

Gillespie: also he caused another
recession in 2010

Gillespie: Bush cut taxes for the rich and
we had a terrible recession

Gillespie: that never happened -
the Bush economy was totally awesome

Gregory: how much damage did the
primary fights do to Mitt?

Gillespie: Romney was strengthened by
taking on tough opponents like
Herman Cain and Rick Santorum

Gregory: is Mitt a severe conservative
or to the left of Ted Kennedy?

Gillespie: he just hates Obama

Gregory: anything else?

Gillespie: electricity! Eee-lectriii-cityyyy!

Gregory: ok

Gillespie: if people vote for Mitt Romney
our long national nightmare of
adding jobs and killing terrorists will be over

Gregory: should women have
personal freedom or not?

Gillespie: since Obama was sworn in
women have lost jobs

Gregory: that’s not an answer

Gillespie: things were really bad in 2009
- whose fault is that?!?

Gregory: um the guy who took office in 2009?

Gillespie: exactly!

Gregory: thanks for coming Ed

[ break ]

Gregory: Bob you guys are politicizing
the killing of Osama bin Laden

Gibbs: in 2008 Obama said he would go
into Pakistan and McCain and Romney
said he wouldn’t

Gregory: did he?

Gibbs: he said it would be foolish

Gregory: does Obama really believe
Romney wouldn’t go into Pakistan
to kill bin Laden?

Gibbs: he said he wouldn’t!

Gregory: but bin laden is a bad guy

Gibbs: well then maybe Mitt is
flip-flopping on that too

Gregory: ha ha

Gibbs: also Romney would have
killed General Motors

Gregory: your campaign is indecorous

Gibbs: get used to it Fluffy

Gregory: how do you fix the recovery?

Gibbs: Bush lost 6 million jobs

Gregory: if you go by the numbers maybe

Gibbs: Romney doesn’t create jobs
- he loots companies

Gregory: they’re lootable

Gibbs: Obama has added 4 million jobs

Gregory: only four million?

Gibbs: we need a vibrant economy built to last!

Gregory: Mitt Romney says women will vote
for the GOP because gas prices are high

Gibbs: the GOP message is ‘why didn’t you
clean up the mess we made fast enough!’

Gregory: what about gyno-Americans?

Gibbs: they don’t trust women to
make their own decision!

Gregory: why should anyone vote for Obama
when Jimmy Kimmel made a joke about him?

Gibbs: we inherited the worst crisis in
50 years and now we are finally
recovering from it

Gregory: I see

Gibbs: should we elect a guy who buys
companies and fires everyone?

Gregory: maybe

Gregory: no Fluffy!

Gibbs: thanks for coming Gibber

Gregory: Hillary Rosen you said Ann Romney
worked a day in her life and those
remarks destroyed America

Rosen: how about talking about policies?

Gregory: do you think America can ever
recover from what you said?

Rosen: I do think so Fluffy

Gregory: do you hate motherhood?

Rosen: Romney wants poor working mothers
to pay more taxes while he gives his
rich friends a tax cut

Rogers: women don’t care about their bodies
- they care about the national debt

Gregory: what do women want?

Maddow: women makes 77 cents for
every dollar than women make

Castellanos: that isn’t true

Maddow: no?

Castellanos: well maybe they are
but there are reasons for it

Maddow: so it is true

Castellanos: yes but men are
valuable scientists so the should make more

Maddow: let’s talk policy - like the Fair Pay Act

Castellanos: I wish you were smart
Rachel because you are adorable

Maddow: you are a condescending jerk

Castellanos: who cares about abortion
or fair pay - the real problem is that
Obama caused the recession

Rosen: abortion fights are real!

Rogers: who cares! Gas prices are high!

Maddow: why are the GOP cracking
down on rape victims rights?

Rogers: Democrats are the ones who
are obsessed with abortion!

Castellanos: who cares about the law in Iowa??

Maddow: people in Iowa you idiot

Castellanos: What is this place called Iowa?
Is that even a state? Is that a city in
Game of Thrones?

Rosen: Mitt Romney endorsed the Paul Ryan
plan and that would cut day care which
would actually hurt women

Rogers: Paul Ryan? Iowa?? What are these
people and places you are talking about??
I’ve never heard of them!

Gregory: tell me about how you killed bin Laden

Williams: the White House photographer
helped us re-construct the moment when
bin Laden bought it

Gregory: is getting Osama political?

Williams: sure but it’s totally awesome

Gregory: that's cool B-Dub

Williams: hey if the mission had failed
don’t you think that would be political too?

Gregory: oh noe

Gregory: why is politics comedy fodder?

Sudekis: because we all look at these guys
and say oh man we’re doomed

Gregory: what’s it like playing Mitt Romney

Sudekis: he is boring like an uncrusted
butter sandwich

Gregory: You are dorky white guy playing
Barack Obama

Armisen: hey oh!

Gregory: you guys are so so funny

Armisen: ho!

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet the Press

This Week with George Stephanopoulos - April 29, 2012

April 29, 2012

John Brennan
Paul Krugman
Eric Schmidt
Carly Fiorina
George Will

Stephanopoulos: wow Lindsay Lohan
was in Washington last night!

Audience: woot

Obama: Bin Laden - still dead

Stephanopoulos: I’m scared

Brennan: you should be George

Stephanopoulos: really

Brennan: al qaeda is trying to
penetrate us

Stephanopoulos: oh god

Brennan: just look at the underwear bomber

Stephanopoulos: ew no thanks

Stephanopoulos: do the terrorists still
want to attack planes?

Brennan: sure 10 years ago that one time

Stephanopoulos: should I be terrified
about another 9/11

Brennan: al qeada has been nearly destroyed

Stephanopoulos: oh that’s good

Brennan: but you should till be scared

Stephanopoulos: did killing
Osama bin Laden help?

Brennan: we took down their leader!

Stephanopoulos: who runs al qaeda now?

Brennan: they are a franchise system
like McDonalds

Stephanopoulos: I've seen our flag
on the marble arch

Brennan: yes but our war on terror
is not a victory march

Stephanopoulos: halleluja

Stephanopoulos: would bin Laden still be
alive if Mitt Romney were President?

Brennan: Obama is gutsy and pulled the
trigger and it was awesome

Brennan: it was a divided room

Stephanopoulos: Biden was worried
because this was a big freaking deal

Brennan: sure but Obama was bold -
he really hates bin Laden!

Stephanopoulos: what worried you
about the raid

Brennan: we had no idea what was in that
compound - what if it was rigged with bombs?

Stephanopoulos: wow it sounds like
only Obama would have made such
a reckless decision

Brennan: [ palmface ]

Stephanopoulos: do you really believe
our drones haven’t killed any civilians?

Brennan: if we have I have asked not
to be told about it

Stephanopoulos: so sounds like we have

Brennan: sometimes you must kill innocent
people to save innocent people

Stephanopoulos: got it

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: how is the economy?

Will: Obama needs to bring us back to
the years when the recession hit

Stephanopoulos: sounds like a sound plan

Krugman: the private sector is back but
governments keep laying people off

Fiorina: it’s true big businesses are doing
well but we must restore small business

Stephanopoulos: big businesses are
creating many jobs not in America

Schmidt: we have got to get small
businesses online so Google can
steal their personal information

Granholm: so what’s the answer - besides
handing our government over to lunatics

Krugman: the third world has more growth
because of government intervention there

Walker: we should not cut spending
or raise taxes now but we should do it
later when our problems are solved

Will: The Bond Vigilantes are scary!!

Krugman: god you are an idiot

Will: Obama has failed to cure the
problems caused the Republicans!

Krugman: because this recession was different!

Fiorina: states that cut income
taxes always do better

Krugman: Carly is lying!

Fiorina: how dare you K-Thug!

Granholm: a state-by-state race to the
bottom is national disaster

Schmidt: we have a dire computer
programmer shortage

Stephanopoulos: shit

Walker: Obamacare costs more money

Granholm: no it doesn’t you idiot

Fiorina: close all tax loopholes
except for some of them!

Will: taxes is bad!

Krugman: [ palmface ]


Sunday, April 22, 2012

Meet The Press - April 22, 2012

Rep. Peter King (R-NY)
Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA)
David Axelrod
Chuck Todd
Helene Cooper
E.J. Dionne
David Brooks
Jay Leno
Stanley Cup


Gregory: OMG this campaign is getting dirty
 - Obama said he wasn’t born with a
silver spoon in his mouth like Ricky Schroeder

Audience: ooh

Gregory: holy crap 11 members of the military
have been implicated in the Secret Service
prostitution scandal

King: I am shocked that agents went
to prostitutes - they should be fired and
elected to Congress

Gregory: wow

King: my staff is going to get the bottom
of these prostitutes

Gregory: good luck

King: we need to make sure these women
didn’t find out anything secret like
why we're in Afghanistan

Gregory: why should they have access
to information we don’t?

Issa: we are totally going to observe this investigation

Gregory: you’re a good man

Issa: I am told many of these
Columbians were foreigners

Gregory: shouldn’t we just fire
everybody in the Secret Service

Issa: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: these weren’t rookies -
what the hell were they thinking?

King: we must have a zero tolerance
policy for contact with foreigners

Gregory: what do you demand
of the President?

Issa: be hands-off and also personally
conduct the investigation

Gregory: should the Director of the
Secret Service be fired?

King: oh no - he has too many secrets

Gregory: you disappoint me

King: you should see that guy’s files

Gregory: maybe Congress should do
more oversight on the Secret Service

King: oh everyone watches porn at work

Gregory: a Secret Service agent posted on
Facebook that he was checking Sarah Palin out

Issa: woot

Gregory: and then this moron at the GSA
posted pics of him with champagne -
don’t they know people read Facebook??

Issa: we should encourage more of this
- that’s how we catch ‘em!

King: he should have posted them on Google Plus
then no one would ever know

Gregory: why the hell is Newt Gingrich
still getting Secret Service protection?

King: he is being threatened by
Tiffany collection services
[ break ]

Gregory: Is Obama hopping mad?

Axelrod: he was apoplectic about the GSA scandal
- but he loves the Secret Service

Gregory: Senator Sessions says Obama
should be protecting the Secret Service

Axelrod: that shocking because he’s usually
so supportive of the President

Gregory: was that sarcasm?

Gregory: I bet Comcast has problem employees too

Gregory: not me -  I never rock the boat

Gregory: Obama leads in nearly every poll
but if you go inside the numbers he only
leads in 11 out of 15 categories

Axelrod: Romney wants to bring back
the Bush years - it didn’t fucking
the last time work

Gregory: so you won’t defend Obama?

Axelrod: he’s created millions of jobs Fluffs

Gregory: but not enough

Axelrod: the last quarter was the
best jobs quarter in six years

Gregory: this campaign is going to be
very mean - you called Mitt Romney out of touch!

Axelrod: He has an elevator for his cars Fluffy!

Gregory: who among us doesn’t have a

Axelrod: he wants to cut taxes for richest
Americans but double rates on student loans

Gregory: Karl Rove said Bush brought us
the war on terror so vote for him -
what’s your meaningless soundbite?

Gregory: the President is fighting for
the middle class

Gregory: But I don’t like Obama

Axelrod: well you’re not middle class
are you Greggers?

Gregory: I’m lower upper class

Gregory: when is Obama going cut Social Security?

Axelrod: he’s not

Gregory: but people are voting for
Mitt Romney because they hate Medicare

Axelrod: which people?

Gregory: the people I hang out with

Axelrod: there is a Reign of Terror on Capitol Hill!

Gregory: I get all my news from The Onion

Axelrod: that makes sense

Gregory: can you do big things?

Axelrod: not with the Tea Party
blocking everything

Gregory: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Gregory: hey panel what about the Secret Service?

Brooks: I hate ego-centric people who think writing
for the New York Times makes them important

Cooper: Presidents are reluctant to go
after the Secret Service because they will
take a bullet for you

Todd: the media loves prostitutes

Gregory: prostitutes should be paid dammit!

Todd: The American people don’t trust
large institutions anymore

Dionne: the Secret Service scandal is
bad for progressives

Gregory: Barack Obama is going to divide
America by attacking Romney

Todd: people don’t like Romney but
they really dislike Republicans

Cooper: Is Mitt Romney a flip-flopper
or a right-wing extremist?

Brooks: I think both guys can lose the election

Gregory: at my cocktail parties we all
wonder why these guys won’t do big
things like cut Social Security!

Dionne: If Obama turns out young people,
women and blacks he’s got this

Todd: if Obama wins Hispanics he can win the West

Gregory: who will be the Vice President?

Brooks: someone really decent like Rob Portman

Cooper: McDonnell maybe boring too
but he can help with another swing state

Gregory: If Romney was serious about
the budget he would pick Paul Ryan

Dionne: Fluffy you are a moron

Todd: Senator Kelly Ayotte from New Hampshire
would be a real game-changer

Dionne: oh god

Gregory: I talked about Jay Leno

Leno: Al Gore is funny in person but
stiff on camera

Gregory: what about John Kerry?

Leno: he rode a motorcycle, drank a beer
and announced he was a regular person

Gregory: what about Mitt Romney

Leno: he exhibited many human-like qualities

Gregory: awesome

Gregory: speaking of inanimate objects
- welcome Stanley Cup!

Stanley Cup: hi Fluffy

Gregory: you are a very shiny object

Stanley Cup: I know what it takes
to get your attention

Gregory: you travel the world constantly,
are fondled by men and women, and
can hold 14 cans of beer

Stanley Cup: just like a Secret Service advance team

Gregory: thanks for coming

Stanley Cup: you’re welcome

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press

This Week with George Stephanopoulos - April 22, 2012

Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME)
Rep. Carolyn Maloney (D-NY)
George Will
Donna Brazile
Matthew Dowd
Peggy Noonan
Keith Olbermann
Stephanopoulos: wow the GSA wastes
money and the Secret Service love
them some hookers!

Stephanopoulos: so it took a female
Secret Service agent to clean this up

Collins: maybe if there had a been
a woman down there this wouldn’t
have happened

Maloney: ya think!?

Stephanopoulos: were any underage
women involved?

Collins: that’s what Ted Nugent asked
when the Secret Service stopped by

Stephanopoulos: heh

Collins: why were they bringing strange
women to their hotel in the first place?

Maloney: good question Susan

Stephanopoulos: has this ever
happened before?

Collins: Supervisors were involved
so probably

Stephanopoulos: one of the agents Facebooked
that he was checking out Sarah Palin’s ass

Maloney: what an idiot

Collins: the GSA scandal is really bad!

Stephanopoulos: Mitt Romney agrees
that Mitt Romney is awesome

Maloney: I would like to thank Susan
for voting for the Buffet Rule

[ high five ]

Collins: Most Americans look to the
GSA for moral leadership

Stephanopoulos: Why won’t you endorse
Mitt Romney?

Collins: who?

Stephanopoulos: He’s the Republican
nominee for President

Collins: oh in that case I guess I endorse him

Stephanopoulos: super

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: how about this
Secret Service scandal?

Will: no one is willing to say no to the Secret Service

Noonan: whatever happened to adultness?

Brazile: these guys are supposed to be
the best of the best - like Top Gun!

Olbermann: they are like priests only
they have sex with grown women

Noonan: it’s cool to be immature in America now!

Dowd: naturally Sarah Palin blamed Barack Obama

Dowd: sadly Americans have lost faith
in our three sacred institutions - 
the Secret Service, professional athletes,
and the media

Brazile: let’s not throw out the baby
with the blowjob

Stephanopoulos: does it blowback to
all of government?

Olbermann: no

Noonan: Barack Obama sent a message
to blow taxpayer money

Dowd: no one is willing to tell the
American people that they suck

Stephanopoulos: interesting

Dowd: our government sucks too

Will: Solyndra!

Brazile: oh bite me George


Sunday, April 15, 2012

Meet The Press - April 15, 2012

Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY)
Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-WI)
Chuck Todd
Savannah Guthrie
Harold Ford
Mike Murphy
Bill Cosby

Gregory: OMG President Hilary Rosen
attacked Ann Romney!

Audience: oh noe

Gregory: The Secret Service
went to prostitutes!

Audience: oh dear I hope President
Rosen is all right

Gregory: good morning Timmy -
let’s talk about only things
Mitt Romney wants to talk about

Geithner: ok

Gregory: Why is the recovery so slow?

Geithner: the business of America is
business and business is doing great

Gregory: I see

Geithner: the Bush recession was bad
and the crisis in Europe didn’t help

Gregory: why did my stocks go
down in last two weeks?

Geithner: don’t be so selfish Fluffy

Gregory: what about your own money?

Geithner: I invest all my money
in beanie babies

Gregory: Mitt Romney said Obama
fired 92% of women

Geithner: that’s utterly ridiculous

Gregory: is it?

Geithner: George W. Bush caused
a massive recession and men lost
their jobs in construction

Gregory: aha

Geithner: then Republicans got elected
and fired teachers which is ladies work

Gregory: we all feel that gas prices are
the most important thing ever

Geithner: gas prices go up when
the economy improves

Gregory: they do?

Geithner: also Iran saber-rattling
raises prices

Gregory: but Mr. Secretary that
it is uncertain!

Geithner: grow up Fluffy

Gregory: Obama raised the debt!

Geithner: Bush borrowed to pay for two wars,
tax cuts and a prescription drug giveaway

Gregory: but Tom Coburn says
we will be Greece in 24 months

Geithner: are you fucking serious Fluffy?

Gregory: you don’t see a debt crisis?

Geithner: not particularly

Gregory: but the debt!!

Geithner: hey if we followed Obama
proposals the debt would go down

Gregory: should we raise the debt ceiling?

Geithner: no if you want to wreck the economy

Gregory: income tax forms are too
long and complicated!

Geithner: believe me I know that

Gregory: why doesn’t the President reform
taxes instead of taxing poor rich people

Geithner: I’m sure you know we
have all kinds of proposals to
improve the tax code

Gregory: no one tells me anything

Gregory: the Buffet Rule would only
raise $5 billion a year

Geithner: just because Republicans oppose
something doesn’t make it a bad idea

Gregory: that never occurred to me

Gregory: Republicans says we should
cut taxes on rich people because
they are job creators

Geithner: we tried that - how did it work out?

Gregory: my taxes went down and
I bought a house on Martha’s Vineyard

Geithner: so we should raise taxes
on poor people?

Gregory: maybe

Gregory: Obama created an economic
recovery but it wasn’t big enough

Geithner: his policies got us out a worse
economic shock than the Great Depression

Gregory: so it’s s a success story?

Geithner: yes!

Gregory: really??

Geithner: yes really Fluffy!

[ break ]

Gregory: OMG Vice President
Hilary Rosen attacked stay at home mothers!

Bachmann: I was shocked and insulted!

Gregory: of course

Bachmann: Ann Romney knows all
about suffering under high gas prices

Gregory: I see

Bachmann: women are paying thousands
of dollars in gas because of Obama

Gregory: wow

Bachmann: Obama attacked women!

Gillibrand: why are we talking about
Hilary Rosen when the Governor
of Wisconsin repealed an equal pay law
and Obama’s health insurance favors women

Bachmann: Romney is very smart
unlike Barack Obama

Gregory: ok

Bachmann: Dodd-Frank is costing
women jobs!

Gregory: fascinating

Bachmann: Obama has caused
high grocery prices!

Gregory: wow this is a such an
important conversation

Audience: oh absolutely

Gregory: but I would like to see
you two in a pillow fight

Gillibrand: I’m sure

Gregory: remember when Hilary Clinton
attacked women who bake cookies -
that was awesome

Gillibrand: if half the people in Congress
were women we sure as hell wouldn’t
be debating the evils of contraception

Bachmann: I was shocked and insulted
when Hilary Clinton attacked women

Gregory: uh-huh

Bachmann: Obama raised gas
prices on women!!

Gregory: yes I think we got it

Bachmann: 15 years from now America
will cease to exist if Obama is reelected

Gregory: is that so?

Bachmann: also Obama will throw old
women out in the streets

Gillibrand: I would like to respond to that

Gregory: no

Gillibrand: this a very weird tv show

Gregory: do you think of Ann Romney
is a bad person?

Gillibrand: the GOP want employers to
take health care away

Bachmann: no we want women to make
their own choices

Gillibrand: that’s absurd

Gregory: should the Secret Service
be going to prostitutes?

Bachmann: the White House made
David Vitter go to prostitutes!

Gregory: thanks for coming ladies

[ break ]

Gregory: what about the gender gap?

Murphy: idiot talk show hosts love
this stupid issue but no one else cares

Gregory: Queen Hilary Rosen shocked America!

Guthrie: I’m not sure the nation can
ever recover from Rosen’s remarks

Gregory: Romney wants to get rid
of Planned Parenthood

Todd: Romney wants to close the gender
gap by manufacturing a controversy

Gregory: but I love a good fake controversy

Murphy: Obama doesn’t want to talk about jobs

Gregory: Bachmann makes a good point
that the most important thing in America
is the price of gas

Ford: exactly - Michele Bachmann made
some really good points

Gregory: so true

Ford: also women were very insulted
by Emperor Rosen

Gregory: I love you Harold

Ford: Mitt Romney is poised
to make big gains!

Murphy: Obama is a failure because
the Supreme Court is reviewing
his heath care law

Todd: this will be a very negative campaign

Ford: Mitt Romney will probably
win if he talks about big issues

Gregory: Romney can seem almost
human on Saturday Night Live!

Murphy: it might be good idea but
remember Mitt Romney is not funny

Gregory: Is the George Zimmerman
case about race?

Cosby: it’s about guns!

Gregory: ah

Cosby: when you have a gun you
mean to kill somebody

Gregory: what about Barack Obama?

Cosby: Obama is Sisyphus!

Gregory: was Sisyphus Muslim or Kenyan?

Cosby: he inherited a massive recession
and people pretend it never happened!

Gregory: ok

Cosby: critics act like he had a surplus --
our political discourse is just pathetic and sad

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - April 15, 2012

Tim Geithner (Sec. of Treasury)
Paul Gigot
Katrina vanden Heuvel
Cokie Roberts
Kevin Madden
Melody Barnes

Stephanopoulos: holy crap the
Secret Service was going to prostitutes -
only David Vitter can do that!

Stephanopoulos: most people think
we’re still in a recession

Geithner: true but the Bush recession
was really really bad

Stephanopoulos: every spring we slide
back into recession

Geithner: yeah but that was back when
Europe was in trouble

Stephanopoulos: Europe is still in big trouble

Geithner: we’re fucked

Stephanopoulos: you’re a real
ray of sunshine

Geithner: we’re all going to die someday

Stephanopoulos: Nouriel Roubini says
this recovery sucks

Geithner: but we’re making progress

Stephanopoulos: the recession is all
Obama’s fault

Geithner: that’s crap

Stephanopoulos: that could be true

Geithner: America is making more
energy than ever

Stephanopoulos: we’re not making jobs

Geithner: yes we are

Stephanopoulos: but not enough

Geithner: hey maybe you want
the recession back!

Stephanopoulos: Romney says
women lost 92% of jobs under Obama

Geithner: that’s incredibly stupid

Stephanopoulos: is it?

Geithner: Bush fired men and then
the GOP fired teachers

Stephanopoulos: but the number is accurate

Geithner: Republicans caused the
recession in 2008

Stephanopoulos: No!

Geithner: it’s true

Stephanopoulos: that’s not what I heard

Geithner: well it’s true and if we put
the GOPin charge it will happen again

Stephanopoulos: the Buffet Rule is bad
because it would only raise $5 billion

Geithner: that doesn’t make it a bad idea

Stephanopoulos: sure but why bother

Geithner: they can afford it

Stephanopoulos: won’t raising taxes
2% on billionaires wreck the U.S. economy

Geithner: no

Stephanopoulos: but they rich do so
much for us and ask so little return

Geithner: hey we still have a deficit

Stephanopoulos: I think I heard about that

Geithner: the rich pay less taxes than they
have in decades

Stephanopoulos: sweet

Geithner: should we raise taxes
on poor people?

Stephanopoulos: maybe

Stephanopoulos: in 2013 we face Taxmageddon!!!

Geithner: hey Obama wants to cut
taxes for the middle class right now!

Stephanopoulos: can you keep
gas prices down?

Geithner: no

Stephanopoulos: what’s the most
important quality in a Treasury Secretary?

Geithner: a total lack of charisma
and personal charm

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: Timmy is worried
about the economy

Gigot: we’re growing but it’s really fragile

Roberts: a President benefits from
a strong economy!

Vanden Heuvel: expose the GOP
as roadblocks to adding jobs

Madden: Obama caused the recession

Barnes: lol you idiot

Vanden Heuvel: the economy will never
recover until homes prices are back

Gigot: Obama has failed the middle class!

Stephanopoulos: Obama challenged
Mitt Romney to release his tax returns

Madden: like most Americans he
needs until October to figure out
whether to hide his money in Switzerland,
Luxembourg or the Cayman Islands

Stephanopoulos: It’s a big decision

Roberts: he needs to tell a story where he
isn’t a out of touch rich guy

Vanden Heuvel: Romney looks like
the guy who fired you because
he probably fired you

Madden: Mitt is very worried about
the price people are paying for food

Barnes: lol no one thinks that

Madden: the Buffet Rule will not end the
deficit therefore we should not have it

Barnes: lol like cutting foreign aid you dweeb

Vanden Heuvel: 90% of income growth
has gone to the top 1%

Gigot: if you want the rich to pay more
taxes cut tax rates for the rich

Stephanopoulos: that is so brilliant


Sunday, April 08, 2012

Meet The Press - April 8, 2012

Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL)
Gov. Kasich (R-OH)
Rep. Raul Labrador (R-ID)
Rep. Emanuel Cleaver (D-MO)
Archbishop-designate William Lori
Jon Meacham
Anne Graham Lotz
Gregory: America only added
120,000 jobs last month

Durbin: yes but at least we’re adding
jobs which is more than I can say for
the last Republican President

Gregory: Obama says he created four
million jobs and Ohio has a low
unemployment rate

Kasich: I am the best job creator
because I cut taxes and deregulated

Gregory: I’m sold

Kasich: we created jobs in health care -
thankfully there are a lot of sick people

Gregory: Obama says trickle down
economics is all wet

Kasich: we don’t play politics in Ohio -
we just cut taxes and we’re exploding!

Durbin: we must follow Saint Alan Simpson
and not Paul Ryan who we know is evil
because he didn’t support the
hallowed Simpson-Bowles plan

Kasich: just cut taxes

Gregory: I like it

Kasich: cutting taxes is a moral issue
because it keeps marriages together

Gregory: cool

Kasich: these are cold hard facts

Gregory: Mitt Romney says Obama
believes in a government-centered society

Durbin: well he’s says a lot of stupid things

Gregory: but Mitt Romney is on to something!

Durbin: hey Fluffy we cut taxes and it
caused a fucking depression

Gregory: so we should cut taxes more!

Durbin: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: but poor people are so greedy

Kasich: let’s modernize entitlement programs

Gregory: oh noe!

Kasich: look government has a
role to play in health care

Gregory: what!? [ swoons ]

Kasich: Greece invented democracy and
in Ohio we are determined to avoid that trap

Gregory: the GSA wastes a lot of money

Durbin: it’s outrageous and therefore we
will hold probably hearings at some point

Gregory: Jon you won’t endorse
any Republican for President

Kasich: I’m not stupid to tie
myself to any of these clowns

Gregory: will Romney ruin the GOP?

Kasich: probably but it’s good because
then I can run for President in 2016

Gregory: good luck

[ break ]

Gregory: Republicans say Barack Obama
is engaging in an unprecendented
war on religion

Meacham: that may be overstating the case

Lori: the contraception mandate is
an attack on religious liberty

Gregory: expand on that

Lori: We should not have to follow the
law if it conflicts with our religion

Cleaver: there’s not war on religion - good god!

Gregory: what’s wrong with requiring
insurers to follow the law?

Lotz: I don’t know any facts about this but
I assume Obama is attacking all religion

Gregory: you are uninformed
but opinionated - I like it

Lotz: anyone can know facts through
Google but I want our President to
be terrified of a vengeful God

Labrador: no law can ever conflict
with a religious belief ever

Gregory: well of course

Labrador: Obama is attacking religion
but also the media has a liberal bias
for bringing it up

Gregory: that makes sense

Labrador: MSNBC is mocking the
Mormon faith just because its origin
story is utterly ridiculous

Gregory: so sad

Labrador: the fact is any religion can
seem really peculiar which is why they
all must be respected

Gregory: of course

Meacham: I would just like to say that
like all Americans I love Billy Graham

Gregory: we all do

Lori: I must repeat my contention
that religious organizations should
not have to obey the law

Gregory: why doesn’t Mitt Romney
talk about his religion more?

Cleaver: who the hell cares - there is
no religious test for office

Gregory: I know that but let's face it
Mormons are fucking weird

Lotz: I know nothing about religion
or politics - the real issue is that Romney
cut taxes and Obama is a socialist

Meacham: Presidents are busy enough
without worry about without legislating
your father figure in the sky

Labrador: we must beat Obama!

Greg: preach it Labby

Labrador: it would be nice if Romney
would admit he was a Bishop in my
church instead of running away from it

Gregory: how can we get more people
to follow a narrow and intolerant
form of christianity?

Lotz: my daddy used radio and television

Gregory: I don’t trust any religion not on tv

Lotz: religion is not important we must
look at the policies of the candidate

Gregory: you make a good point

Lotz: but I would never vote for an
atheist because they would be not scared
of being ordered to kill their child by Yahweh

Lori: religion makes you moral except
for the occasional child molesting

Meacham: religion is very nice but
let’s not go overboard

Cleaver: all religions are inherently
arrogant and divisive

Gregory: why do people think Obama
is a Muslim and why would that be bad?

Labrador: I don’t think he is a Muslim
- I think he’s a socialist

Gregory: as a Jew I am reminded
we are all slaves

Lori: the true test for religious liberty
is whether a person can use their
superstition to avoid the law

Meacham: religious people won the
Civil war and led the civil rights movement

Lori: Fluffy your being Jewish reminds
me of how awesome Jesus is

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - April 8, 2012

Guests: Rick Warren
George Will
Peggy Noonan
Chrystia Freelan
Michael Eric Dyson
David Chalian
Tapper: wow Rick Warren has sold
30 million books - that’s almost as
many as The DaVinci Code

Warren: thanks Jake

Tapper: what’s the deal with God?

Warren: he’s all kinds of awesome

Tapper: why do horrible things happen
like the Black Death, the Holocaust
and Toddlers & Tiaras?

Warren: because people basically suck

Tapper: what’s wrong with America?

Warren: we’re selfish and short-sighted
which is why we need to cut spending

Tapper: what about ‘love thy neighbor’?

Warren: the Bible yammers on and
on about the poor but the best thing
to help the poor is to cut taxes for the
rich and build nuclear weapons

Tapper: the Bible does mentions
the poor quite a lot

Warren: I’m fundamentally about the
freedom to be poor if that’s your choice

Tapper: you hate contraception

Warren: no government should tell
people do things if it is against their religion

Tapper: you said every single American
is not better off than they were 4 years ago

Warren: that isn’t true but it could be

Tapper: who’s to blame?

Warren: everyone and by everyone
I mean Barack Obama

Tapper: noted theologian Andrew Sullivan
says Jesus was a gay man who
looked like Brad Pitt

Warren: Newsweek hates the church
just because religion is responsible
for numerous atrocities

Tapper: so unfair

Warren: there is a terrible trend of not
trusting large corrupt institutions in America

Tapper: on noe

Warren: it’s not news that churches
are arrogant and corrupt so stop talking about it

Tapper: Is Mitt Romney a Christian?

Warren: no because Mormons don’t
believe in the holy trinity

Tapper: what is the State of Union spiritually?

Warren: people are just too mean

Tapper: I’ve noticed that

Warren: I blame people for blaming people!

Tapper: polls show people don’t
want religion in government

Warren: we should not ban religious
people from public life

Tapper: how brave of you to say

Warren: you don’t think gay people
should have the same rights as everyone else

Warren: I don’t have the right to
change the word of God I just interpret
it whether it's shellfish, slavery or the gays

Tapper: got it

Warren: I also think premarital sex is wrong

Tapper: um I think your members
have had premarital sex

Warren: I’m aware of that

Tapper: so why not permit gay marriage?

Warren: because gays sap our bodily fluids

Tapper: what about Tim Tebow?

Warren: America was great 300 years
ago when people like Tim Tebow could
pray before a good witch burning

Tapper: Can Jews go to heaven

Warren: no - but I don’t judge I just
follow Jesus’ cruel arbitrary orders

Tapper: Why is your God so mean?

Warren: because all people are evil but a
few people are saved from eternal torture
if they sign the right loyalty oath

Tapper: got it

Warren: God doesn’t grade on a curve -
all you have to do is swear fealty to Jesus

Tapper: do dogs go to heaven?

Warren: oh sure all dogs go to heaven

Tapper: cats?

Warren: some of them

Tapper: what do you mean?

Warren: American shorthairs but not Persians

Tapper: so in heaven dogs yes, cats maybe, Jews and Muslims, no

Warren: that’s right Tappy

Tapper: you lost weight

Warren: I baptized 500 people in one day and
I realized ‘good god Saddleback is full of fat people’

Tapper: have you thought about
baptizing them posthumously

Warren: I was a Purpose-Driven Eater!

Tapper: how did you get thin

Warren: I went on the Daniel Plan

Tapper: what’s that

Warren: lock yourself in a lion’s den

Tapper: Happy Easter dude

[ break ]

Tapper: Can Obama tie the Ryan Plan
as an albatross around Mitt Romney’s neck?

Will: that loser Romney already did it for him

Freeland: it will be good to have national
debate over social darwinism vs the
Heritage foundation’s health care plan

Chalian: sadly it will be a negative campaign

Noonan: In the green room we were drinking
and talking about how Obama is campaigning
harder than Mitt Romney and he has a job

Dyson: Romney is sending his wife
out do anthropological studies and
report back on what women want

Tapper: we only added 120,000 jobs in March

Will: Obama caused the recession 2007

Chalian: blah blah Obama blah jobs blah

Freeland: um what

Noonan: this all so sad

Dyson: at least we’re adding jobs -
if you want to lose jobs please elect
another Republican

Noonan: sigh

Sunday, April 01, 2012

April 1, 2012
Host: Savannah Guthrie and Joe Scarborough
Guests: Rick Santorum
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)
Harold Ford, Jr.
Mika Brzezinski
Tom Friedman
David Brooks
Jon Meacham

Guthrie: OMG Wisconsin may finally
push Rich Santorum out of the race

Guthrie: welcome Frothy

Santorum: thanks Savannah

Guthrie: why should people vote for you?

Santorum: I’m a blue collar guy who happens
to earn a million dollars a year as a lobbyist
in Washington D.C.

Guthrie: I see

Santorum: it’s amazing that I have not
dropped out considering everyone hates me

Guthrie: will you drop out when you lose Wisconsin?

Santorum: This primary is like David vs Goliath
if Goliath was a rich unprincipled robot and
David was a unpopular repressed weirdo

Guthrie: you’re not even winning in your home state

Santorum: I don’t expect to win the Beltway

Guthrie: I mean the commonwealth
of Pennsylvania

Santorum: Oh that place

Guthrie: you literally can’t win the nomination

Santorum: a lot of the delegates are unbound
which is sounds kinky but is awesome

Guthrie: why are you still running?

Santorum: most Republicans want a conservative
and I’m all they have left

Guthrie: even Marco Rubio thinks you could
wreck the party’s chances in the fall

Santorum: we chose the most electable nominee
in 2008 and John McCain got killed against Obama

Guthrie: so when will you drop out or are just insane

Santorum: Republicans will have more money
in the fall if I stay in the race

Guthrie: really?

Santorum: only one incumbent Democrat has
lost to a GOP challenger and that was Jimmy Carter
and I people thought was Reagan racist and stupid
which is what people say about me too

Guthrie: you make excellent points Frothy

Santorum: Mitt Romney authored a government
takeover of health care!

Guthrie: all the party genius party elders like
Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio have endorsed Romney

Santorum: those guys are idiots

Guthrie: aren’t you a member of the Establishment?

Santorum: no I was a bomb-throwing
U.S. Senator challenging those who opposed
coal and oil companies

Guthrie: I see

Santorum: I fought for the little guy from
my office on K Street

[ break ]

Guthrie: Senator are you going to make
news this morning!?!

Johnson: yes I am endorsing Mitt Romney
because he has great business experience

Guthrie: squeeeee!!

Johnson: Obama knows nothing!

Guthrie: so you really like Romney

Johnson: no I hate him - my endorsement
is just a recognition that Romney has
the most delegates

Guthrie: I see

Johnson: Barack Obama has failed to
cut Social Security!

Guthrie: OMG the Supreme Court is going
to overturn Obamacare!

Schumer: that’s crapola Guthry

Guthrie: is it

Schumer: Justice Scalia said the federal
government can regulate medical marijuana
just because potheads iz bad!

Guthrie: It looks like you might lose Kennedy’s
support for the Administration action

Schumer: it wasn’t just the Administration silly person

Guthrie: but the Commerce Clause prevents
the government from operating

Schumer: guns near schools don’t affect
interstate commerce

Guthrie: but how could a Con Law Professor
President get it so wrong

Schumer: every conservative justice has upheld
the law and by the way the mandate has always
been a conservative idea

Guthrie: Solicitor General Verrilli drank water
during his argument so the entire health care
system must be changed

Schumer: if you don’t buy broccoli you
don’t change the market for food

Guthrie: you said health law would be
popular and you got it wrong

Schumer: no I didn’t

Guthrie: but some people would like
it repealed in part

Schumer: what the holy fuck does that mean

Guthrie: I don’t know

Guthrie: Will Mitt Romney be the nominee?

Schumer: I hope so because he endorsed the
Ryan plan which would destroy the
nation as we know it

Guthrie: thanks for coming you unpopular idiot

Schumer: you’re welcome you stupid bint

[ break ]

Scarborough: Tom I heard you talked
to a taxi driver in New Zealand

Friedman: America has lost the ability
to do big things

Scarborough: so tragic

Friedman: Democracy creates Rube Goldberg
unperfect things

Scarborough: why don’t Americans
love Obamacare?

Friedman: because Obama doesn’t
explain the merits of the law

Brzezinski: people made fun of the
oral arguments ha ha ha

Brooks: the mandate violates fundamental liberty

Ford: the mandate is a Republican idea!

Brooks: I love the mandate and we are all
in this together so towns and villages should
each have their solution to health care

Meacham: we have judicial review because
of the French Revolution

Scarborough: isn’t Obama a loser

Meacham: yes he is

Scarborough: what about Mitt Romney

Ford: he is also a loser

Scarborough: could Obama run against
an activist court?

Ford: why not

Scarborough: 50% of peope dislike Mitt Romney

Friedman: only because people are
getting to know him

Meacham: Obama is another Jimmy Carter!

Scarborough: sing me more of that sweet music Jon

Brzezinski: Mitt Romney seems like an
unprincipled rich out-of-touch jerk which
is not fair because he is not a jerk

Brooks: some of his beach houses
don’t have carelevators

Brooks: Donald Trump and the Kennedys
charmed people even though they were rich

Brooks: Romney just need to hang out with
Sam’s Club Republicans for three months

Meacham: unlike FDR or JFK Mitt Romney
is an impersonal unemotional dork

Meacham: Ronald Reagan said
"the camera never lies”

Ford: but he was lying

Brzezinski: true

Scarborough: Obama went after oil companies

Friedman: the world is getting like Albuquerque
- hot flat and crowded

Scarborough: ha

Friedman: we should raise gas taxes
which make Americans embrace solar energy
and the metric system

Scarborough: Harold you want Obama to work
with energy companies and stop attacking
our adorable algae making oil barons

Brzezinski: are you fucking serious Harold

Ford: we must applaud our wonderful
free market oil companies

Brzezinski: what a joke you are

Scarborough: Tom please tell the aboriginals
in New Zealand we found the only conservative
Democrat in America on Meet The Press

[ painful laughter ]

Scarborough: and that’ another episode of Meet The Press


This Week With George Stephanopoulos - April 1, 2012

Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI)
Rep. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD)

Stephanopoulos: wow Paul Ryan has endorsed
Mitt Romney - lock this baby down!

Stephanopoulos: Representative Ryan Democrats
say your plan would cripple America

Ryan: the American people want someone who
isn’t campaigning all the time - Mitt Romney

Stephanopoulos: but all Mitt Romney does
is campaign for President

Ryan: only if you could conceive what he has
been doing lately as ‘campaigning’

Van Hollen: the Ryan plan would slash
investment in America and reward
the richest Americans

Stephanopoulos: Paul you called America’s
military Generals big liars

Ryan: oh yeah I like totally misspoke I didn’t
mean to say that out loud

Stephanopoulos: that makes sense

Ryan: Obama is a hypocrite because he
spends more money on everything but wars
which we must always fight

Stephanopoulos: I can’t argue with that

Ryan: let’s hurt the wealthy by lowering
the highest rates

Van Hollen: the Ryan plan doubles down on
tax cuts for rich which would raise the debt

Stephanopoulos: what’s wrong with that

Van Hollen: they make up the difference by
raising rates on poor Americans!

Ryan: we have a debt crisis so therefore
we must cut taxes!

Stephanopoulos: the President’s lawyer didn’t
address Tea Party concerns before
the Supreme Court

Van Hollen: our health care system is broken
and Obamacare fixes it by requiring people
to buy health insurance

Ryan: Obama took over health care and the
Founders never intended to let the government
make you buy something!

Van Hollen: that’s how they do it Massachusetts!

Ryan: what would people in Boston know
about the Founding Fathers!?

Van Hollen: ok let’s go with single payer then

Ryan: Obamacare will ruin our great health care system!

Stephanopoulos: do you have an alternative

Ryan: we have a plan to give people with
preexisting conditions health insurance
and also free unicorns

Stephanopoulos: Obama has raised gas prices

Van Hollen: free market - ever heard of it?

Ryan: oil on public lands would be given
away free to Americans!

Van Hollen: no it wouldn’t

Ryan: American-made energy is awesome!

[ break ]

Will: we learned this week that there are five justices
who have swallowed tea party rhetoric about Obamacare

Stephanopoulos: for a different perspective let’s
turn to hate-filled lunatic Ann Coulter