Sunday, March 25, 2012

Meet The Press - March 25, 2012

David Plouffe - Obama campaign
Gov. Haley Barbour (R-MS)
Ben Jealous - President NAACP
Michele Norris
Doris Goodwin
David Brooks
Rachel Maddow
Gregory: Obama went to the South Korea
demilitarized zone and apologized for
the final episode of M*A*S*H

Gregory: good morning David -
how many more wars can we look
forward to in the coming years?

Plouffe: we’ve got crippling sanctions
on Korea and Iran!

Gregory: does the President think
race was a factor in the killing
of Trayvon Martin?

Plouffe: of course he does but he can’t
prejudge a criminal investigation

Gregory: Obama wouldn’t have expressed
sympathy for the victim if he didn’t
think it racial

Plouffe: that’s ridiculous Fluffy

Gregory: did he call the parents and
say sorry your son got killed?

Plouffe: no as chief executive he has to be neutral

Gregory: but he called Sandra Fluke

Plouffe: because she was being attacked
specifically for defending the President’s policy

Gregory: will Obama lead a national
summit on race?

Plouffe: yes because that will
change everything

Gregory: the President has disappointed
me by never talking about race

Plouffe: sure he does Fluffy

Gregory: now that we are creating jobs
it turns what people really care
about is gas prices

Plouffe: oh for god’s sake

Gregory: why won’t the President lower
gas prices!?

Plouffe: the GOP used to be in favor of
biofuels and now they mock solar panels

Gregory: but Pluffy the President politicized
high gas prices in 2008

Plouffe: he came out in favor a gas tax
when prices were high which was pretty brave

Gregory: the President has not gotten
a comprehensive energy law enacted and
he’s also going to swing states urging
a comprehensive energy policy

Plouffe: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: he’s politicizing energy!

Plouffe: the GOP just wants to drill
but the President likes wind too

Gregory: will Obamacare be repealed?

Plouffe: no - we’re insuring kids,
old people, and eliminating exclusions
for pre-existing conditions

Gregory: but people don’t love the law

Plouffe: Romney is the Godfather of
the health care law

Gregory: how so?

Plouffe: he made people an offer
they couldn’t refuse

Gregory: so Romney deserves all the
credit for the law not Obama!

Plouffe: ha you’re funny

Gregory: Romney is an etch-a-sketch
candidate who will pivot to the center
when he is the nominee

Plouffe: Romney wants to outlaw abortion
and that is etched in stone!

Gregory: ok

Plouffe: do we want to go back to
the massive responsible tax cuts that
caused the great recession?

Gregory: I wouldn’t mind

[ break ]

Gregory: Obama says the Trayvon Martin
killing should lead to soul-searching

Jealous: this incident contributes to a
sense that black men lives are
not worth as much

Gregory: the President seems reluctant
to lead a national debate on race just
because that’s not his job

Goodwin: I hope this event makes us
look at racial profiling and these
Stand Your Ground laws and say maybe
we shouldn’t be killing innocent
kids for carrying skittles

Gregory: but the Caution! The Reluctance!
Bad Obama!

Norris: hey Fluffy - the American people
are not all going to sit down on a
Tuesday afternoon and have a
national conversation led by your daddy

Brooks: racism is a natural sin we
are born into that we must combat
through civilization

Barbour: George Zimmerman could be
perfectly innocent ya know

Gregory: excellent point Governor

Barbour: let’s not jump to conclusions!

Gregory: Newt Gingrich spoke out very
powerfully when he called
the President a racist

Barbour: that’s right - race clearly doesn’t
matter in this case

Gregory: maybe they were fighting
but the fact remains Zimmerman
killed this kid

Jealous: the law doesn’t say if you stalk
someone and come at them with a gun and
they push you on the ground you get to
shoot and kill them

Gregory: Charles Blow wrote in the
New York Times That as a parent he
fears his children will be regarded
as suspicious by paranoid armed cop wannabes

Norris: white people see a good young kid
and black parents seen a successful kid who
got shot because he was considered a criminal
to be feared and killed

Norris: Martin may be this generation’s
Emmett Till - the men who killed him were
acquitted in one hour and it sparked outrage

Jealous: it’s been 10 years since the
last great national conversation
on racial profiling which did not stop
racial profiling

Barbour: this process is working -
the Mayor of Sanford is not sweeping this
under the rug after a few weeks of not
doing anything after the killing

Brooks: people get shot every day you know

Jealous: even black cops discriminate
against black men!

Gregory: should we be worried about the
Black Panthers committing violence?

Jealous: what an appropriate question in
a debate of suspicion and fear of black men

Gregory: nothing hits a President’s
popularity harder than high gas prices

Goodwin: people do love low prices
on things they like

Brooks: Obama can’t control gas prices so
Republicans attacking Obama on gas prices
proves all Democrats are hypocrites

Gregory: more drilling does not lower prices

Barbour: we need more drilling to lower gas prices!

Gregory: that’s a good point

Barbour: Obama wants higher gas prices!

Gregory: he does?

Barbour: Obama’s policies doubled
the price of gasoline in three years

Gregory: should Rick Santorum drop out?

Barbour: unless Romney steps on a
land mine he will be the nominee

Gregory: is that a threat?

Barbour: it’s merely an observation Fluffy

[ break ]

Gregory: Rachel why did you write a
book about perpetual war?

Maddow: I’ve been worried for a long time
about the drift to war in America

Gregory: you say that less than 1% of
the population are actually fighting
even with ten years of constant war

Maddow: if the public doesn’t feel the
effects of war we are more likely to go to war

Gregory: who doesn’t love a good war?

Maddow: we gave ourselves giant
tax cuts when we started two wars

Gregory: yeah that was awesome

Maddow: we say the military goes to
war instead of the nation going to war

Gregory: your book is not partisan

Maddow: this is not about parties of
specific Presidents - people like war but
don’t want to fight it or pay for it

Gregory: you are worried about the
growth of military superstructure

Maddow: we do need to fight wars sometimes
but we don’t need 1,800 nuclear weapons

Gregory: nukes are cool

Maddow: the only fights we have are
Congress making the Pentagon buy tanks
even the military doesn’t want

Gregory: we should hire veterans because
they are heroes

Maddow: they are also really impressive

Gregory: me wife is a Captain

Maddow: 2 million Americans deployed to
Iraq and Afghanistan

Gregory: I would like to observe
veterans are awesome

Maddow: yes they are

Gregory: well that was problem was solved -
and that’s another episode of Meet The Press

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - March 25, 2012

David Plouffe - Obama campaign
Rep. Michele Bachmann

Stephanopoulos: Why is Obama tied in the polls
with an unprincipled cyborg?

Plouffe: Once the GOP has a nominee we will
utterly destroy him

Stephanopoulos: Paul Ryan says he will stop
you from killing people on Medicare

Plouffe: the Ryan Plan showers tax cuts on rich
people and pays for them by making old
people wash their limousines

Stephanopoulos: You refuse to cut Social Security
and won’t implement Simpson Bowles

Plouffe: It’s preposterous for Republicans to complain
about Simpson Bowles - it cut 5 dollars
from the defense budget and they want
to start 2 more wars

Stephanopoulos: 52% of people say they
don’t like the oppressive nightmare
that is Obamacare

Plouffe: Obamacare doesn’t even take
effect until 2014

Stephanopoulos: people hate having to
buy health insurance

Plouffe: well more people are getting better
care than ever so let the horror continue

Stephanopoulos: will the health care
law be stuck down?

Plouffe: Mitt Romney is the Godfather
of the Mandate!

Stephanopoulos: Godfather of Soul
was clearly out

Stephanopoulos: is the President still evolving
on the issue of marriage equality?

Plouffe: the GOP wants to Don’t Ask Don’t Tell back!

Stephanopoulos: This incident in Florida has
raised a debate about whether killing people
should be legal

Plouffe: it seems so

Stephanopoulos: Newt Gingrich said the
President believes white people should be shot

Plouffe: not all white people

Stephanopoulos: should Stand Your Ground
laws be repealed?

Plouffe: it would be nice if laws against killing
innocent unarmed people were enforced

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming Pluffy

Stephanopoulos: Michele what do you think
about Newt Gingrich

Bachmann: I’m a mother and he’s an idiot

Stephanopoulos: do you think Rick Santorum
is just helping Obama?

Bachmann: this is the People’s Campaign!

Stephanopoulos: I see

Bachmann: we need to reach out to disaffected
Democrats and get them to vote for the guy
who thinks gay sex is like beastailty

Stephanopoulos: why not urge Santorum to
just go back to lobbying on K Street?

Bachmann: there’s plenty of time for that

Stephanopoulos: is Mitt Romney a lying
etch-a-sketch candidate?

Bachmann: yes but the important thing is
that Obama imposed a
health insurance mandate!

Stephanopoulos: so did Mitt Romney

Bachmann: yes but Romney flip-flopped on that
- proving he’s trustworthy

Stephanopoulos: SCOTUS fanbois are predicting
for a 7-2 ruling in favor of the law

Bachmann: but the Anti-Injunction Act!

Stephanopoulos: umm

Bachmann: Health insurance is very expensive!
Who wants to pay for that?

Stephanopoulos: no one

Bachmann: people don’t want to be forced
to pay for health insurance - it’s wildly unpopular!

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming

Bachmann: woot!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Meet The Press - March 18, 2012

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ)
Paul Rieckhoff - Iraq and Afghanistan
Veterans of America
Helene Cooper
Jon Krakauer
Wes Moore
George Clooney
John Prendergast
Gregory: holy crap probable nominee
Mitt Romney finished third in the last
two primaries

Gregory: what the hell is wrong
with Mitt Romney?

McCain: he’s working on his
programming and also SuperPACs
have hurt him

Gregory: how sad

McCain: Gingrich is funded by a
casino mogul from Macau!

Gregory: too bad

McCain: John Roberts is a moron

Gregory: should Newt drop out?

McCain: yes but it’s not fair he is allowed
to get his message out with secret
money from Sheldon Adelson

Gregory: will there be a brokered

McCain: politics is so mean and
Obama will be reelected and
it all gives me a giant sad

Gregory: even Mitt Romney says
the economy is improving

McCain: I suddenly realized
the debt is bad

Gregory: right

McCain: Obama thinks government
create jobs well guess what it doesn’t

Gregory: I see

McCain: Romney knows how to lose jobs!

Gregory: should women have to tell
their employers about their sex lives?

McCain: no one wants to hear
about that lady part stuff

Gregory: are women a problem
for the GOP?

McCain: Jobs and the economy!

Gregory: this soldier who allegedly
massacred Afghans was on his fourth tour

McCain: we are succeeding in Afghanistan!
We are making dramatic gains!

Gregory: we are?

McCain: yes we are winning -
but Obama wants to withdraw just
as we’re finally making progress

Gregory: I see

McCain: how about a commitment
to victory!?

Gregory: hmm

McCain: we must stay to win!

Gregory: Obama surged forces and
Americans still hate this war

McCain: Obama only put in 30,000
troops instead of 40,000 which means
every bad thing that ever happens is his fault

Gregory: makes sense

McCain: We should start a war in Syria! and Iran!

Gregory: Senator you sound slightly insane

McCain: we destroyed the Taliban!

Gregory: we did?

McCain: the Afghan people
just love American troops

Gregory: they do?

McCain: If we leave Afghanistan we will
have another September 11!

Gregory: you’re on a roll

McCain: we must tell the bad guys
we are never leaving!

Gregory: should we stay in Afghanistan
forever and ever?

McCain: yes all we have to do is
pacify Afghanistan and leave troops
forever like we did in South Korea!

Gregory: should we attack Syria?

McCain: yes because Iran is bad

Gregory: um what?

McCain: people are being killed and
we could win without doing anything!

Gregory: you have been on
Meet the Press more times than I have

McCain: ha ha

Gregory: how have you changed
over the years?

McCain: I have become more and more
willing to bomb anyone in
any place at any time

Gregory: is there anywhere you don’t
want to start a war?

McCain: Canada

Gregory: ok

McCain: no wait - them too

Gregory: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Gregory: that soldier who shot Afghan
civilians proves that fighting too many
wars with too soldiers is a bad idea

Rieckhoff: let’s be clear - this behavior
is not a normal result of stress in combat

Krakauer: you think our troops are
stressed out? How do you think Afghans
feel when their children are killed?

Cooper: Obama’s surge came 8 years
into the war - it’s too late now to win
hearts and minds

Woodward: If you talk to people in the
Army they say the Army is awesome

Gregory: that’s true

Woodward: the Army is optimistic that
Afghanistan may yet become as
wonderful as Iraq

Krakauer: that’s ridiculous

Woodward: let’s be realistic - Afghanistan
can be wonderful place like Baghdad

Moore: we have to make Karzai and
the Taliban talk to each other but they
hate each other even more than they hate us

Gregory: 100,000 troops have done
at least three tours of duty

Rieckhoff: the suicide rate for active
duty soldiers is higher than deaths
from combat!

Gregory: Saint John McCain says we
should stay forever

Cooper: he’s an idiot

Gregory: but I love him

Cooper: this nation has not been
at war - only a few soldiers

Woodward: war is ugly and there is
no easy way out and we are stuck

Gregory: we can’t turn our backs
on Central Asia

Krakauer: the USA must make peace
between India and Pakistan

Gregory: oh great

Krakauer: our troops can’t take much more

Rieckhoff: this is no way to fight a
war or run a nation

Moore: we can leave with our heads held high

Woodward: Afghanistan is a gamble
on Hamid Karzai

Rieckhoff: and he calls American
troops demons!

Gregory: the whole country is war-weary
- should we bomb Iran and invade Syria?

Cooper: perhaps not

Gregory: Mitt Romney finished third
in the southern primaries!

Woodward: the SuperPACs are poison
- can the media report responsibly
on the election?

Audience: [ spit take ]

Krak: Obama is lucky these candidates
are wackos

[ break ]

Gregory: OMG TMZ has footage of
George Clooney being arrested!

Aud: wow

Gregory: I hear you vacationed in
South Sudan - it like Martha’s Vineyard

Clooney: no the Nubian people are
suffering from rockets and bombs

Gregory: that doesn’t sound like much fun

Clooney: it’s starvation and ethnic cleansing

Gregory: what happens next

Prendergast: the largest war on earth

Clooney: China gets 6% of their
oil from Sudan

Gregory: they do?

Clooney: we’re not making a
humanitarian argument - we are
appealing to your greed for cheap oil

Gregory: has ‘Kony 2012’ changed everything?

Prendergast: yes because the kids love
activism you can do sitting in front
of a computer watching a movie

Gregory: Bono helped cure AIDS -
why can’t you save Sudan like he did?

Clooney: because this is a war Fluffy

Gregory: why not run for President
and fix the world’s problems?

Clooney: I want to make a real
difference - not be President

Gregory: Obama is looking
good now - is that bad?

Clooney: no but you can’t get cocky

Gregory: do you think Obama
has done a good job

Clooney: I could sell his Presidency
as amazingly successful but Democrats
just love to nitpick and criticize

Gregory: Matt Damon is disappointed

Clooney: he’s one of the picky ones

Gregory: you’re not sad

Clooney: no I’m proud of Obama

Gregory: what’s next for George Clooney

Clooney: “Meet The Press - The Musical!”

Gregory: would there be a part for John McCain?

Clooney: of course

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - March 18, 2012

Jonathan Karl
Rick Santorum
Gov. Haley Barbour
David Ignatius
Bill Burton
Nia-Malika Henderson
Karl: wow no one likes Mitt Romney
yet he keeps winning delegates!

Audience: you go Mitt

Karl: Rick will you take your hopeless
fight all the way to the convention?

Santorum: I will fight and climb and
scratch and claw until I completely wreck
the party’s chances in the fall

Karl: you’re not concerned about
hurting the GOP?

Santorum: nominating a flip-flopping
cyborg is not going to save the party buddy

Karl: maybe not

Santorum: My losing to Romney is
a good rehearsal so I can
lose to Obama

Karl: there’s no difference between
Obama and Mitt?

Santorum: mandates!

Karl: what else Frothy?

Santorum: Obama bailed out
Wall Street

Karl: that isn’t true

Santorum: Porn!

Karl: speaking of that would you
like to have a head-to-head
one-on-one with Mitt?

Santorum: Mitt even said
“I love man dates!”

Karl: he did?

Santorum: I would love to have a
one-on-one with Romney!

Karl: we can do it right here
on this desk

Santorum: Mitt Romney personally
performed abortions!

Karl: do you think Puerto Ricans
should be forced to speak English?

Santorum: yes just like we made
Oklahomans speak English instead
of Oklahoman!

Karl: we did that?

Santorum: Mitt Romney pandered
to those gauchos!

Karl: should we finally leave Afghanistan?

Santorum: Obama should never have
hinted we might leave - we should tell
everyone we will never ever leave
and then leave

Karl: sounds like a plan

Santorum: we should either leave or
kill everyone in Afghanistan

Karl: what would you do?

Santorum: I would totally win

Karl: how would you do that?

Santorum: by pulling out our troops

Karl: I’m confused

Santorum: I would consult with people
to do what is necessary to accomplish
what should happen

Karl: got it

Karl: Mitt Romney says you are
an economic lightweight

Santorum: People know how much I
care about little people - I demonstrate
it by working in the coal mines of K Street

Karl: I see

Santorum: conservatives don’t create jobs

Karl: I see

Santorum: we don’t need a manager
in Washington - we need a plan to cut
taxes and also not raise taxes

Karl: you on a crusade against porn

Santorum: damn right - I hate all
those sexytime magazines

Karl: what would you do about it?

Santorum: I would issue an Executive Order
to get the Kardashians off television

Karl: you supported Arlen Specter and
he’s a big abortion supporting guy

Santorum: the little fetuses had to
take one for the team

Karl: will you go after Romney for
putting a dog on the roof of his car?

Santorum: that robot has no
human feelings!

Karl: will there be a brokered convention?

Will: Newt Gingrich wants to be another
Warren Harding and he could do it

Henderson: Newt is both Rick’s
wingman and his worst nightmare

Barbour: a brokered convention is
not all bad - the GOP had one in 1976

Karl: you lost in 1976

Barbour: that dang Carter had
some mad political skills

Ignatius: Rick Santorum could be
a great nominee

Burton: Romney could be our first
non-human candidate

Karl: but the 2008 Democratic primary
went on forever

Burton: yes but Clinton and Obama
were great candidates and Frothy
and Mitt are idiots

Barbour: no one likes Obama!

Burton: keep telling yourself that Foghorn

Karl: thanks for coming

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Meet The Press - March 11, 2012

Rick Santorum
Gov. Martin O’Malley (D-MD)
Gov. Bob McDonnell (R-VA)
Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN)
Rev. Al Sharpton
E.J. Dionne
Peggy Noonan
Gregory: good morning - Mitt Romney
won in Wyoming and Guam with a
big win for Rick Santorum in Kansas
but he lost the Virgin Islands

Audience: how did that happen

Gregory: good morning Rick -
why is Newt Gingrich still running?

Santorum: because he’s an egomaniac

Gregory: would you like him to get out

Santorum: yes but you can’t push
Newt around

Gregory: isn’t this race over?

Santorum: I’m up 30 points in Texas!

Gregory: sweet

Santorum: I’m going to take most of
the delegates in Iowa

Gregory: didn’t we do that months ago?

Santorum: yes but it takes Iowans six
weeks to figure out who won

Gregory: I see

Gregory: Mitt Romney is winning
all the battlegrounds

Santorum: not Gettysburg

Gregory: fair enough

Santorum: the delegates are unbound!

Gregory: sounds kinky

Santorum: we’re crawling our way back

Gregory: so just tell Gingrich to get out!

Santorum: you put it well

Gregory: Obama’s economic growth
has breadth and brawn!

Santorum: Obama has failed to build the
keystone pipeline which will bring
down gas prices in 2065!

Gregory: ok

Santorum: we must drill offshore
and in national parks

Gregory: so how do you win this election?

Santorum: gas prices are high!

Gregory: I see

Santorum: I will repeal every
regulation in America!

Gregory: awesome

Santorum: growth has been very
good under this President

Gregory: uh-huh

Santorum: but Obamacare is bad!

Gregory: American has never
had a coherent energy policy

Santorum: those radical environmentalists
don’t care about the environment -
they just worship rocks!

Gregory: Frothy aren’t you a big
government earmarking spender?

Santorum: no Fluffy I hate spending -
I just keep voting for it

Gregory: you voted for the prescription drug giveaway

Santorum: yes but that funneled money
to the private sector so it’s okay

Gregory: ok

Santorum: Romney is for requiring man dates!

Gregory: good lord

Santorum: Mitt Romney lied on Meet The Press

Gregory: I’m shocked

Santorum: the biggest issue in 2012
will be Obamacare and Mitt Romney supported it!

Gregory: go on Rick

Santorum: First the climate changed
and then Mitt Romney changed!

Gregory: ha

Santorum: I’m Rick Santorum and I never change!

Gregory: did your wife tell you to stop
attacking John F. Kennedy

Santorum: my wife is a nurse and a lawyer
and when I said going to college makes you
a big snob she told me “Rick I love you but
for the love of god shut the fuck up”

Gregory: did she tell you not to run for President?

Santorum: no actually she encouraged
me to get out of the house for a year or so

Gregory: that makes sense

Santorum: I have a small child with medical
needs and I had to prevent kids like her
from being murdered by government-provided
health care

Gregory: thanks for coming Rickster

[ break ]

Gregory: apparently a US soldier shot
civilians in Afghanistan

McDonnell: yeah it’s too bad but I love the military

O’Malley: we need a calm President who
will get us the hell out of Afghanistan

Gregory: 700,000 jobs have been created
in the last year

O’Malley: 24 months of job growth isn’t
too shabby Fluffy

McDonnell: Obama caused the
recession in 2007

Gregory: I see

McDonnell: also the debt is very high -
remember how we defeated Ronald Reagan
and George W. Bush over the debt?

Gregory: No I don’t

O’Malley: guess what - banning contraception
isn’t going to create jobs

McDonnell: the Republican party created
all the new jobs under Obama!

Gregory: unemployment is going down

McDonnell: Mitt Romney ran the Olympics!

Gregory: you backed a law to require
women to have a trans-vaginal ultrasound

McDonnell: why don’t you talk about
all the laws I passed that didn’t require
an invasive bodily procedure?

Gregory: ummm

McDonnell: the Democrats are obsessed
with passing abortion bills

Gregory: the Democrats forced you to
enact a law with unprecedented intrusion
into the human body?

McDonnell: yes because they love
to raise taxes!

O’Malley: rolling back unions, voting rights
and reproductive rights are not going
to create jobs Bob

Gregory: you like to be Vice President?

McDonnell: jobs spending and taxes!

Gregory: ok Bob

[ break ]

Gregory: Can Romney win among humans
and can Santorum win among sane people?

Noonan: Romney is going to win because
we have seen in iPad era that people fall
in love with their machines

Blackburn: conservatives want someone
who will listen to their whining

Sharpton: their real question as this primary
goes is how many more people
can these guys alienate?

Dionne: Romney is weak among Christians
and tea partiers but his real problem is that
he looks like an out of touch rich guy

Gregory: speaking of Rush Limbaugh -
whatever happened to civility?

Sharpton: we need to be mature in our
political discourse

Blackburn: the American people are so
ticked off by incivility they are going directly
to the Internet for their news and expect
politicians to respect their total misinformation

Gregory: Obama seems to bring out hatred
- I wonder why?

Noonan: the rise of the radio and the Internet
seems to give rise to a war on women -
why won’t Obama speak out?

Dionne: Limbaugh is evil - but normal
people can get along

Blackburn: it’s like when you fight with
your weird relatives at Thanksgiving
but you still get along

Sharpton: I came together with Newt Gingrich
on education - Newt Food Stamps Gingrich!

Noonan: I’m going to go out on a limb
and say using terms like slut and whore
is unacceptable

Gregory: what else do I need to know?

Sharpton: why take away the vote from
millions of people over voter fraud which
is totally fake?

Gregory: Marsha?

Blackburn: the primary will be won
on Jobs and Terror

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - March 11, 2012

Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC)
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)
Eliot Spitzer
Nicole Wallace
Mary Matalin
Austan Goolsbee
Jake Tapper
Stephanopoulos: wow Rick Santorum
took Kansas but Mitt Romney won Guam!

Audience: holy crap

Stephanopoulos: is the economy getting
better Lindsay?

Graham: the deficit is really high

Schumer: it always is Linds

Graham: big things are not happening
on Obama’s watch

Schumer: really big things happened
under Bush - like a really big recession

Graham: we are not drilling enough
in public parks!

Schumer: Republicans are obsessed
banning contraception

Stephanopoulos: that doesn’t matter
because Bill Maher made a joke about boobs

Graham: we’re not drilling enough
oil in the Gulf of Mexico!

Schumer: or we could conserve energy

Stephanopoulos: Obama practically
promised to attack Iran

Graham: that’s fine and yet we still
haven’t bombed them

Stephanopoulos: true

Graham: I would like to repeat that we
must drill on public lands!

Schumer: Obama is going to attack Iran
and it is going to awesome!!

Stephanopoulos: how big a disaster
is Afghanistan?

Graham: we finally have the Taliban
on the defensive!

Stephanopoulos: an American soldier went
rogue and killed a dozen civillians

Graham: these things happen

Stephanopoulos: when Obama pulled out
of Iraq he told Iran he wasn’t serious

Schumer: that’s stupid and Afghanistan
is a horror show

Stephanopoulos: can anyone beat Mitt Romney?

Graham: my heart is with Rick Santorum
but my loins are with Mitt Romney

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: Does God want Mitt
Romney to win?

Matalin: he must because he’s got
the most money

Stephanopoulos: will this ever end?

Matalin: I love a long campaign!

Spitzer: this campaign is fracturing the GOP

Wallace: people love Mitt Romney!

Stephanopoulos: will Mitt put Rick
on the ticket?

Goolsbee: LOL

Tapper: Newt Gingrich is preparing
for a floor fight!

Spitzer: never get into a floor
fight with a newt

Wallace: women hate Rick Santorum

Matalin: no one cares about social issues!

Stephanopoulos: no?

Matalin: Obama is Jimmy Carter!

Spitzer: oh how you wish Mary


Sunday, March 04, 2012

Meet The Press - March 4, 2012

Newt Gingrich
Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA)
Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-FL)
Mayor Kasim Reed (D-Atlanta)
Savannah Guthrie
Mike Murphy
Mark Halperin

Gregory: what will happen Super Tuesday?

Todd: If Romney takes Tennessee this
baby is over!

Gregory: speaking of babies - Newt I
want to ask you about contraception

Gingrich: oh please no

Gregory: Rush Limbaugh called a student
a slut and a prostitute

Gingrich: I am astonished at the
desperation of the media!

Gregory: you don’t want to talk
about contraception?

Gingrich: Obama caused the Afghanistan
war and the recession in 2007 and no one
ever talks about that!

Gregory: I see

Gingrich: Obama wants to turn all
Catholic church property to Muslims!

Gregory: uh-huh

Gingrich: Obama supports murdering babies!

Gregory: please continue

Gingrich: Obama ordered the Catholic
church to give up all colleges and
universities and hospitals

Gregory: so you support Rush Limbaugh?

Gingrich: Obama abandoned soldiers
to Muslim fanatics!

Gregory: got it

Gingrich: should protestants be told
pay for abortion pills?

Gregory: okay

Gingrich: this is the most fundamental
assault on religious freedom ever
but I don’t want to talk about it

Gregory: I think I follow you

Gingrich: this is a very very serious
fundamental fight!

Gregory: oh now suddenly you do
want to talk about it

Gingrich: Fuck you Fluffy

Gregory: you are a loser

Gingrich: we’ve worked very hard to
take my home state

Gregory: you and Rick Santorum are
fighting over the anti-Romney vote

Gingrich: you can’t kill me!
I keep coming back!

Gregory: so you do

Gingrich: unlike Santorum I will not
bow to a Saudi King!

Gregory: I see

Gingrich: I am a pragmatist and not
an ideological pointy-headed
intellectual like Santorum

Gregory: Obama is talking tough on Iran

Gingrich: Obama is a failure because
he never tells me what covert action
he’s taking

Gregory: interesting perspective

Gingrich: Iran clearly doesn’t fear
Obama’s bombs because they are
digging in underground to withstand
Obama’s bombs

Gregory: can the GOP unite?

Gingrich: yes because Obama will
engineer another Holocaust!

Gregory: thanks for coming Newt

[ break ]

Gregory: Eric will you endorse anyone

Cantor: yes I today I endorse Mitt Romney
because I looked at all the candidates
and realized Rick Santorum is crazy
and Gingrich is a total asshole

Gregory: I see

Cantor: Romney will cut taxes which
is a very bold idea which always works

Gregory: Newt and Ricky aren’t even
on the ballot in Virginia

Cantor: what morons

Gregory: would you like to be Vice President?

Cantor: ha you’re so funny Fluffy

Gregory: what do you think of Rush Limbaugh

Cantor: he’s a hero for apologizing

Gregory: Romney waffled on Rush

Cantor: Mitt Romney’s candidacy is
about very clearly taking every side
of every issue

Gregory: why didn’t the House let a
woman testify about contraception?

Cantor: this is about religion - it has
nothing to do with women!

Gregory: why is it bad that insurance
companies would have to pay for
comprehensive health care coverage

Cantor: the government should never
tell people of faith what they can or can’t do

Gregory: what about the rights of women?

Cantor: Obama hates Catholics and
probably Jews too

Gregory: the economy is finally recovering

Cantor: Obama caused the recession in 2007

Gregory: he did?

Cantor: oh yes Fluffy

Gregory: gas prices are high

Cantor: Obama hates fossil fuels which
is terrible - God created those dinosaurs
4,000 years ago so we could take solar panels
off the White House roof

Gregory: wow

Cantor: Obama is hostile to coal - who
doesn’t love puppies, apple pie and coal??

Gregory: What’s wrong with Mittens?

Cantor: I believe he will do well in Virginia

Gregory: he’s the only one on the
ballot besides Ron Paul!

Cantor: so he should get about the
half the votes - maybe more!

Gregory: thanks for coming Eric

[ break ]

Gregory: Debbie Is Obama taking away
religious liberty?

Wasserman-Schultz: No Fluffy

Gregory: so you say

Wasserman-Schultz: the Blunt amendment
would have given an exception to all employers

Gregory: yes but under Obama’s rule
women would have access to contraception
so isn’t Newt Gingrich right?

Wasserman-Schultz: the Republicans
oppose Obama’s rule you idiot

Gregory: they do?

Wasserman-Schultz: then we had Rush
Limbaugh calling a student a slut and
Mitt Romney didn’t say anything

Gregory: you guys are raising money off this!

Wasserman-Schultz: women vote - who knew?

Gregory: the Catholic church says we
should be all celibate because it’s worked
so well for them

Wasserman-Schultz: Obama already compromised
when he said religious institutions don’t have
to pay for contraception

Gregory: Bill Clinton said Obama should
support the Keystone pipeline

Wasserman-Schultz: the Republicans
made Obama reject it

Gregory: they did?

Wasserman-Schultz: Keystone would take
45 years and wouldn’t create jobs or
lower gas prices - other than that
it’s a great idea

[ break ]

Gregory: what happens on Super Tuesday?

Halperin: it doesn’t matter - Romney
will still be the nominee

Gregory: he’s still a terrible candidate

Murphy: if he wins Tennessee he can
say he won in the South and pivot to
not terrifying independent voters

Reed: he can’t talk about his Wall Street
record, Olympic earmarks or his health
care plan as Governor

Gregory: aren’t both sides to blame for
what Rush Limbaugh said?

Guthrie: indeed both sides are equally at fault

Greg: did Romney miss a Sister Soljah moment?

Murphy: the liberal versions of Rush Limbaugh
get a free pass for not saying what he said

Guthrie: Obama is worse for calling the
law student and expressing sympathy

Halperin: oh wow you guys are worse than me

Reed: Romney is a timid flip-flopping coward

Gregory: Romney is pretty weak considering
he’s probably going to be the nominee

Guthrie: it’s so sad that better candidates
never got in the race

Gregory: can he unite the party?

Halperin: can he stop being such an
incoherent dumbass?

Murphy: can he speak garbed Spanish
as well as English?

Gregory: he’s seems utterly confused
about everything

Murphy: I feel sorry for Mittens because
nymphomaniacs don’t like him

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - March 4, 2012

Howard Dean
Peggy Noonan
Donna Brazile

Stephanopoulos: wow could Mitt Romney
finally take this race?

Gingrich: No

Stephanopoulos: welcome Newt

Stephanopoulos: given no one likes you
how can you possibly win?

Gingrich: hey no one likes Mitt Romney either

Stephanopoulos: what else?

Gingrich: I promise not govern as a Muslim!

Stephanopoulos: you and Rick Santorum
are splitting the wacko vote

Gingrich: I will not allow Ricky to
out-crazy me!

Stephanopoulos: go on

Gingrich: he favors a minimum wage
much like a communist would

Stephanopoulos: will this long primary
fight hurt the eventual nominee?

Gingrich: hey Obama and Clinton
battled for months and he kicked
McCain’s ass

Stephanopoulos: good point

Gingrich: Obama is mean and but
I am a sadist!

Stephanopoulos: can you really give
America $2.00 a gallon gas?

Gingrich: yes because if oil was natural
gas it would cost $1.15 a gallon

Stephanopoulos: wow

Gingrich: Obama said publicly he wants
us to be enslaved to Saudi Arabia just
like all of Europe

Stephanopoulos: Rush Limbaugh says
preventive health care is for sluts

Gingrich: you are such an elitist George

Stephanopoulos: I am?

Gingrich: let’s be clear about this -
Obama wants to ban Catholicism

Stephanopoulos: oh

Gingrich: Sandra Fluke should go out
and buy her own damn sexytime pills

Stephanopoulos: ok

Gingrich: Vasectomies are the
work of the Devil!

Stephanopoulos: Was Limbaugh
right to apologize?

Gingrich: Obama apologized to Al-Qaeda!!

Stephanopoulos: so did Generals
on the ground

Gingrich: Obama wants the U.N. to put
American soldiers in jail!

Stephanopoulos: amazing

Gingrich: if those damn Afghans don’t
appreciate all we’ve done for them then
we should just fucking leave

Stephanopoulos: Obama told Iran
“I don’t bluff motherfuckers!”

Gingrich: Obama is so cowardly he’s
going to wait for evidence Iran is
getting the bomb instead of attacking first

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: David what if Israel attacks Iran?

Axelrod: Obama goes around the world
killing people - don’t fuck with him!

Stephanopoulos: Karl Rove says Obama
is weak and soft on Israel

Axelrod: Ask Osama bin Laden how
weak Obama is

Stephanopoulos: should Obama have
apologized for the Koran burning?

Axelrod: his the Commander in Chief
and is trying to save lives

Stephanopoulos: Obama wants
higher gas prices!

Axelrod: no he doesn’t but the President
doesn’t control the worldwide
free market in gas

Stephanopoulos: that’s no excuse

Axelrod: well it’s the truth

Stephanopoulos: Aren’t Rush Limbaugh
and President Obama equally to blame
for calling a student a slut?

Axelrod: every single woman in America
needs true comprehensive health insurance

Stephanopoulos: you’re no fun at all

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: I’m feeling Romneyentropy!

Will: the question is not can he win but
what the fuck is wrong with him

Stephanopoulos: Interesting

Dowd: If Santorum doesn’t win Ohio he
will have to go back crying about women
having sex on K Street

Dean: Watching this primary I haven’t
been this freaked out since I took the
brown acid at Woodstock

Noonan: The Republican candidates this time
are bloody insane but we gotta mellow out
[ sips martini ]

Dowd: we knew Mitt Romney would
have trouble getting conservatives but
we didn’t know he was such a dumbass

but no one can take
the nomination either

Dowd: because they are idiots!

Will: face we’re screwed

Noonan: who cares about the stupid
Presidency anyway
[ twizzles drink ]

Brazile: you’re funny Peggy

Dean: Obama will defeat the Army
of northern Virginia!

Stephanopoulos: Yeeeaaahhhh!!!!