Sunday, February 26, 2012

Meet The Press - February 26, 2012

Guests:
Rick Santorum
Gov. Jerry Brown (D-CA)
Gov. Jan Brewer (R-AZ)
Chuck Todd
Kathleen Parker
Harold Ford
Steve Schmidt
*****************************

Gregory: President Obama personally
apologized to President Karzai for this apparently
inadvertent act of burning the Korans!

Santorum: a President should never apologize
should making a mistake if it was inadvertent

Gregory: No?

Santorum: no you say you made a mistake
and meant no disrespect but you are
definitely not sorry and do not apologize

Gregory: right

Santorum: when you apologize you just make
people mad unlike when don’t apologize
which people love

Gregory: got it

Santorum: they should apologize to us!

Gregory: should we leave Afghanistan?

Santorum: yes but should not tell anyone
in advance - we should just suddenly
leave in the middle of the night like
all my house guests do

Gregory: can you win lose Arizona?

Santorum: I love Jan Brewer's bravery in
standing up to that big bully Barack Obama

Gregory: I see

Santorum: this is a one-and-half-person race

Gregory: explain that

Santorum: Romney is a not a full
person - he is a cyborg

Gregory: what about Ron Paul?

Santorum: Paul made a deal with
Romney to destroy me!

Gregory: you really think that?

Santorum: how else to explain his
bizarre behavior?

Gregory: he’s just crazy?

Santorum: I admit I can’t rule
that possibility out

Gregory: you say Obama is a snob
who hates decent people for
going to college

Santorum: Obama wants people to
go to college which are incredibly lefty
and politically correct and where you can’t
shout ethnic slurs which is the new McCarthyism

Gregory: unemployment for people who
went to college is only 4%

Santorum: look I have 7 kids and without
naming names not all of them
are college material if you know
what I mean

Gregory: hey if all else fails they
can become talk show hosts

Santorum: that would really would
shame my family

Gregory: ha ha

Santorum: look Obama is a snob who
looks down his nose at uneducated
white people

Gregory: you voted for No Child Left Behind
and yelled at the debate audience

Santorum: shut up folks!

Gregory: do you often betray your conscience?

Santorum: Romney has no principles at all!

Gregory: we all know that

Santorum: all children should be home schooled!

Gregory: please continue

Santorum: kids should be left in the
woods to fend for themselves!

Gregory: you make unprincipled decisions
all the time apparently

Santorum: name one Fluffy!

Gregory: the steel bailout

Santorum: the Chinese were cheating
at capitalism

Gregory: okay

Santorum: I love what no bailouts did
to the Pennsylvania steel industry

Gregory: you would give manufacturing
a tax break but wouldn’t extend
unemployment benefits

Santorum: that’s different because manufacturers
have to compete internationally but
unemployed people are lazy

Gregory: John F. Kennedy said religious
views are private and politicians should
not impose religion on the
people or government

Santorum: he also said separation of
church and state should be absolute
which is horrible

Gregory: uh huh

Santorum: JFK said religious people should
be banned from the public and that’s not fair

Gregory: he said that?

Santorum: yes which means Kennedy
approved of slavery!

Gregory: I never knew any of this

Santorum: and now Obama wants
to ban religion!

Gregory: the Wall Street Journal says
you are a finger-wagging dolt

Santorum: Fluffy why are you asking me
about my religion?

Gregory: you talk about it all the time Frothy!

Santorum: yes because our nation is
falling apart because we must ban
contraception which leads
to out of wedlock births!

Gregory: you will not win an Oscar
or the Daytona 500

Santorum: the race is perfect because it’s
watching a bunch of white men crash and burn
while making left turns

[ break ]

Gregory: Jan Brewer will you endorse
any candidates?

Brewer: absolutely I am endorsing
Mitt Romney and will work really hard
to get him elected

Gregory: dear god - why?

Brown: he is by far the person who can win

Gregory: very well put

Brewer: I have never been party to
an election like this

Gregory: Jerry you ran for President in 1992

Brown: Go Ron Paul go!

Gregory: you say the GOP is committing
political suicide

Brown: the GOP caused a recession and
started two wars and now they want to
take away women’s rights

Gregory: should we ban college as a
liberal conspiracy?

Brown: I like pipefitters!

Gregory: in 1978 you said and I quote
“I like Mexican-Americans!
Ten-Four good buddy! Groovy!”

Brown: I stand by that statement

Gregory: what about illegal immigrants?

Brown: we need a path to citizenship!

Gregory: Jan you have a law demanding
the papers of brown-looking people

Brewer: Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!

Gregory: just answer the question

Brewer: Mexico is sending its
drug crimes to Flagstaff!

Gregory: sounds scary

Brewer: Mexicans have brought Extortion!
Torture! Kidnapping!

Brown: the dope comes up and
the dough goes down!

Gregory: why would you refuse to
testify on Capitol Hill about immigration?

Brewer: During the Oscars? Not a chance!

Gregory: Obama doesn’t want to
control the border! He wants to send
guns to drug criminals! He ignores murders!

Gregory: gas prices are very high

Brown: We need mass transit! And electric cars!
We must invent a car that runs on hemp!

Gregory: Is California ungovernable?

Brown: it’s still a state of freaks and weirdos!
I love it!

Gregory: thanks governors

Brown: dude!

[ break ]

Gregory: OMG Romney could
lose Michigan!

Todd: Democrats are going to vote
for Rick Santorum

Gregory: ha ha

Schmidt: Santorum is busy excusing his
big government votes and also his
crazy-ass beliefs

Gregory: Kathleen you say voters don’t
want a sanctimonious asshole

Parker: Santorum’s best friends like
him but think he’s fucking crazy
and a little mean

Gregory: he says church and state
should be unified

Ford: I’m conservative but this
guy is a loon

Gregory: oh my

Ford: he won’t apologize for burning
a Koran but how would he feel if
people burned a Bible?

Gregory: can we get anyone else
in the Republican primary?

Todd: look I realize people hate
Romney and Santorum but it’s a
little late now

Gregory: a brokered convention
would be a lot of fun!

Schmidt: Excuse me? The delegates are
all going to be tea party wackos!

Gregory: Independents appear to
dislike Mitt Romney

Ford: I’m an independent and I like him

Gregory: so he’s got one supporter

Ford: hell no I don’t trust that
flip-flopping robot

Gregory: Mitt Romney seem to not be
able to utter sentences like a human

Parker: he’s a dork but think of him as
a doctor who completely lacks a
bedside manner and who also advocates
returning to using leeches

Gregory: Steve you are a character in a
movie played by Woody Harrelson!

Schmidt: he gets Julianne Moore and
I got Sarah Palin

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press
***********************************

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - February 26, 2012

Guests:
Rick Santorum
Gov. Deval Patrick (D-MA)
Gov. Rick Snyder (R-MI)
*************************************

Stephanopoulos: Ricky why are you
suddenly losing?

Santorum: now that I am a front runner
people are learning more about me

Stephanopoulos: that’s not good

Santorum: no it’s not George

Stephanopoulos: you violated your principles
to vote for No Child Left Behind

Santorum: did you know America is the
greatest country in the history of the world?

Stephanopoulos: just answer the question Frothy

Santorum: all children should be
homeschooled!

Stephanopoulos: why did violate
your principles?

Santorum: hey Mittens still supports
No Child Left Behind!

Stephanopoulos: that is a good point

Santorum: at least I have principles to
violate unlike the Massachusetts Cyborg

Stephanopoulos: what team do you play for

Santorum: Team Bottom Up

Stephanopoulos: you and Mittens both
opposed the Auto Bailout

Santorum: the steel industry totally
collapsed devastating an entire region
finally proving
that capitalism works

Stephanopoulos: please explain to me how
Romney is both a Wall Street elitist and a
member of Occupy Wall Street

Santorum: he wants to tax the rich which
is just repulsive

Stephanopoulos: I see

Santorum: he would take away the
government subsidy for charity which
will destroy Americans’ generous impulse

Stephanopoulos: should we ever ever
leave Afghanistan

Santorum: we should not apologize
for burning Korans

Stephanopoulos: why not?

Santorum: because it was inadvertent

Stephanopoulos: what should
Obama have said?

Santorum: he should have said it was a
mistake and it should not have happened

Stephanopoulos: isn’t that an apology?

Santorum: no Obama is weak and timid
like Jimmy Carter and Neville Chamberlain

Stephanopoulos: He’s both Chamberlain
and Hitler

Santorum: exactly!

Stephanopoulos: you say Obama is a terrible
snob to say people should go to college

Santorum: what a liberal bastard!

Stephanopoulos: um what

Santorum: frankly colleges don’t train
people to repair my Mercedes

Stephanopoulos: does Obama want to
indoctrinate our youth?

Santorum: of course - at Penn State
conservatives are singled out and ridiculed
and forced to abandon their religion and
worship trees and Karl Marx

Stephanopoulos: so no good conservative
should ever go to college?

Santorum: Political correctness! Commies
under the bed! Party like it’s 1987!

Stephanopoulos: How did you John F. Kennedy
make you vomit

Santorum: He said he believed in
the separation of church and state

Stephanopoulos: yes he did

Santorum: how disgusting!

Stephanopoulos: JFK said he would ban all
people who believe in god from government

Stephanopoulos: that made you throw up?

Santorum: you bet it did - JFK was in favor
of a law forbidding religious people
from even appearing in public!

Stephanopoulos: I must have missed that

Santorum: Jack Kennedy’s next logical
step was concentration camps for Catholics

Stephanopoulos: what about non-Catholics?

Santorum: let’s fight it out - my god is
bigger than your god

Stephanopoulos: you are going to lose Michigan
and Arizona and the Daytona 500

Santorum: I am nothing if not consistent!

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming Ricky

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: gas prices are really high

Patrick: we making more gas than
ever under Obama!

Snyder: Michigan used to
suck and now we suck a little less

Stephanopoulos: you supported the
auto bailout

Snyder: let’s not dwell on how Barack
Obama saved my state

Stephanopoulos: you supported RomneyCare!

Patrick: yes and it’s been enormously successful

Snyder: people should shop around for
health insurance like Travelocity

Stephanopoulos: so the roaming gnome
would do your heart bypass?

Snyder: exactly!
******************************

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Meet The Press - February 19, 2012

Guests:
Rep. Van Hollen (D-MD):
Rep. Paul Ryan: (R-WI)
Andrea Mitchell
Helene Cooper
Al Hunt
Ed Gillespie
*************************

Gregory: Rick Santorum says Obama
doesn’t care about your quality of life
- he only cares about a non-biblical
phony theology - I love it!

Santorum: Obama is repressing religion
which is a new low in the history of America

Gregory: Paul Ryan isn’t that insane?

Ryan: I deny the very existence
of Rick Santorum

Gregory: I can see that

Ryan: Obama is arrogantly taking away
our right to religious freedom to
deny basic health care to employees

Gregory: do you think Obama has
a phony ideology?

Ryan: um no that’s crazy

Gregory: et tu Paul?

Ryan: Obama has a political philosophy
which violates our founding principles
which is that women should never have sex

Van Hollen: this is simple - the economy
is getting better so the GOP is back to
attacking sex and calling Obama a new
guinea muslim witch doctor from Kenya

Gregory: I love the classics

Van Hollen: it’s a new low even
for Santorum

Gregory: Paul why have an
all-male panel to decide women’s
health issues

Ryan: why not?

Gregory: does the GOP look
hopelessly out of touch?

Ryan: the government is making me pay
for lady-parts birth control which a violation
of my Constitutional rights

Gregory: so you have to pay for the pill
- big deal

Ryan: yes but imagine yourself in
FEMA reeducation camp

Van Hollen: that all-male panel was
fucking hilarious

Gregory: what about gay marriage?

Van Hollen: Obama inherited an economy
in freefall so now the GOP is freaking
out over gay marriage

Ryan: I can on television to talk
about how Obama created Bush’s debt

Gregory: well this isn’t your
show dipshit

Ryan: we should talk about slashing spending

Gregory: what about stimulus spending

Ryan: Obama’s stimulus failed!

Gregory: I see

Ryan: it drives me crazy that Obama
won’t cut even small amounts
that I want cut!

Gregory: calm down Ryan

Ryan: we must cut taxes!

Gregory: shouldn’t we inflict more pain
on people to prove how brave we are?

Van Hollen: No Fluffy!

Gregory: but the people must suffer

Van Hollen: if more people have jobs
and more money they can spend more
and then companies will hire more
people who will have more money

Gregory: Jack Lew says now is not the
time for austerity

Ryan: Obama is increasing spending
which is not leadership!

Gregory: didn’t Reagan, Bush I and
Bush II increase spending?

Ryan: let’s inflict pain now instead
of inflicting pain later

Gregory: indeed why wait?

Ryan: Obama is ducking the challenge
of making the people of America suffer

Gregory: I see

Ryan: the debt will turn America
into Greece

Van Hollen: Paul Ryan is an idiot

Gregory: yes I still like him

Van Hollen: we need to increase spending
by hiring people and building bridges

Gregory: what about gay marriage?

Van Hollen: Von Ryan just wants to put
all the burden on middle income people
and give billions in free money to rich
people and corporations

Van Hollen: the GOP passed a rule
saying tax cuts for the rich don’t have
to be paid for!

Ryan: but everyone loves lower taxes!

Van Hollen: Obama has proposed spending cuts

Ryan: Obama wants to kill old people and soldiers!

Gregory: if Mitt Romney loses Michigan
will you guys drag Chris Christie into the race?

Ryan: I think that would take too much effort

Gregory: thanks for coming guys

[ break ]

Gregory: this is the Year of Birth Control!

Mitchell: this is not going to win suburban
soccer moms who like sex from time to time

Gregory: Democrats says Republicans want
to take us back to the ‘50s

Mitchell: the Eisenhower years were not
all that great for many Americans

Gregory: I mean the 1850s

Gillespie: most Americans agree not paying
for the pill is about religious freedom

Gregory: I see

Gillespie: having a vasectomy is
a mortal sin!

Gregory: is it really

Gillespie: Obama is very arrogant

Hunt: Obama blew it with the bishops

Cooper: Obama is hoping there are more
women voters that old celibate men

Mitchell: When Ricky talks about blue-collar
workers he does well - when he bashes
condoms not so much

Cooper: newsflash - Catholics use birth control!

Gillespie: the government must never
ever tell a church “this is what you must do”

Gregory: do GOP primary voters want
an angry demolition expert to destroy
Washington D.C.?

Hunt: Cyborg Romney must destroy
Rick Santorum!

Gregory: why is Mitt Romney even
Running for President?

Gillespie: he’s driven by a passion that
boring white men should run everything

Romney: I like trees which are just the
right height and lakes which have
two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom

Gregory: what the hell was that?

Mitchell: Mitt loses Michigan and then
Ohio and we will have a contested convention
and then it’s hellloooo Chris Christie!

Gillespie: Super Tuesday is
March 6th - it’s too late to bring
a non-crazy human candidate!
[sobs]

Gregory: no one likes Mitt Romney

Cooper: Obama is trying to make
Romney lose Michigan

Mitchell: Romney can’t wrap this up
until June at the latest

Hunt: I love Jeb Bush but he’s a Bush
and Chris Christie is great but a jerk
and Paul Ryan is smart but a weasel

Gregory: would the GOP really
nominate someone like Rick Santorum?

Gillespie: why not - we’ve tried sane
candidates and lost

Gregory: Michigan’s unemployment went
from 14.3% to 9% and he killed Bin Laden

Cooper: yes but Iran could raise gas prices

Gillespie: Obama single-handedly destroyed
the American economy

Hunt: Obama was born on third base and
thinks he hit a triple

Gregory: of course

Hunt: things are going great in America now
but it’s nothing Obama did

Gillespie: Obama is turning us into
Greece with that high debt

Gregory: I though deficits didn’t matter

Gillespie: well they do now!

Gregory: Anthony Shadid was a
real journalist

Cooper: yes it’s so rare to meet
one these days

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press
****************************************

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - February 19, 2012

Host: Jake Tapper
Guests:
Sen. John McCain (R-AZ)
Robert Gibbs
George Will
Dee Dee Myers
Clarence Page
Lou Dobbs
****************************

Tapper: Senator you support Mitt Romney
- did he get an Olympic sized bailout?

McCain: I love bailouts as long as they
are for things I like

Tapper: I see

McCain: Rick Santorum voted for money
for zoos which is the gateway drug to
funding larger animal habitats and
then you’re off to federal prison

Tapper: Senator DeWine finally realized
Mitt Romney is a cyborg sent from the
future to destroy the planet

McCain: I was declared unelectable
in 2008 and look what happened

Tapper: you lost

McCain: true

Tapper: has the race gotten so nasty
America will reelect the black guy
named Hussein with a an 8%
unemployment rate?

McCain: that fucking Supreme Court
let a casino operator take over our elections

Tapper: should we negotiate with the Taliban?

McCain: yes but we but the best way to
end this war peacefully is to never end it

Tapper: Mittens says negotiating with
the Taliban is appeasement

McCain: you can never announce a
withdrawal date - you have to sneak out
in the middle of the night and
surprise everyone!

Tapper: should we attack Iran

McCain: I hope we can work together with
the Israelis to bomb the shit out of Iran

Tapper: should we cut off aid to Egypt?

McCain: I love the Muslim Brotherhood!

Tapper: your favorite Sheriff was having
gay sex with an illegal immigrant

McCain: I love that crazy freak

Tapper: Rick Santorum says Obama
doesn’t care about human beings but
worships trees and Galileo

Gibbs: may I observe that Rick Santorum
is fucking crazy

Tapper: Rick says he wasn’t questing
the President’s Christianity - he just said
he has a ‘phony ideology’

Gibbs: this whole campaign has been a
fascinating experiment to see how
low politicians can sink

Tapper: gas prices could go over $4
a gallon by April

Gibbs: that’s not good

Tapper: Rick Santorum says Obama
hates wasteful use of energy

Gibbs: Obama is personally drilling
in the Arctic!

Tapper: that’s good

Gibbs: we’re using less foreign oil than ever!

Tapper: Tom Harkin says by cutting
payroll taxes Obama is killing Social Security

Gibbs: it’s a middle class tax cut -
everyone loves those

Tapper: Obama has not cut the deficit in half!

Gibbs: the recession was really bad

Tapper: will the Democratic party finally
endorse gay marriage?

Gibbs: when Glee has a gay wedding
then it will be in the platform

Tapper: ooh that could be soon

[ break ]

Tapper: Could Mitt Romney lose Michigan?

Will: Santorum won Iowa and Missouri
and Pittsburgh so why not?

Myers: Obama is talking about jobs and
Rick Santorum is yammering about
theology and Romney is babbling about trees

Dobbs: Romney’s message about loving
tall trees is very powerful

Page: the GOP has decide if their core
message is ‘big business rule!’ or
‘Jesus is awesome!’

Tapper: Big Jesus rules

*************************************

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Meet The Press - February 12, 2012

Guests:
Jack Lew (White House Chief of Staff)
Rick Santorum
Bill Burton
Joe Scarborough
E.J. Dionne
Peggy Noonan
*******************************
Gregory: OMG there’s a national
firestorm over the pill

Audience: Shocking

Gregory: Mitt Romney won Maine and
the CPAC straw poll!

Audience: aw poor Ricky

Gregory: Controversial! Firestorm!
Birth Control! How did Obama botch this??

Lew: I heard you were a moron
but apparently I had no idea

Gregory: this is a huge social issue after
all the Catholic church has great moral authority

Lew: wow you really are all kinds of stupid

Gregory: there are lots of Catholic voters!

Lew: there are lots of women too Fluffy

Gregory: not on my show

Lew: I noticed

Gregory: was this political malpractice?

Lew: yes fighting for women will be such
a disaster for Obama

Gregory: the Bishops of America have
rejected Obama’s plan for women’s health

Lew: have they really?

Gregory: they say this intrudes into
their most deeply held belief

Lew: their right to cover up a worldwide
child rape scandal?

Gregory: um no

Lew: thought not

Gregory: Rick Santorum says this is about
freedom of speech and freedom of religion

Lew: Rick Santorum also believes all
contraception is wrong

Gregory: maybe he’s right

Lew: he’s a fucking dumbass

Gregory: Jobs are up and the stock market
are improving which is a paradox
because I hate Obama

Lew: yes it’s a true conundrum

Gregory: I try not to let it trouble
my fluffy head

Lew: Congress should still cut
payroll taxes!

Gregory: what will the exact
unemployment number be in November?

Lew: I means this sincerely Fluffy -
get some therapy

Gregory: why doesn’t the Senate
pass a budget?

Lew: because the Tea Party is insane

Gregory: how exactly do you run the
government without any money?

Lew: Last week Obama sold Alaska
to China

Gregory: the deficit is really really high!

Lew: because of the George W.
Bush Recession®

Gregory: shouldn’t the United States of
America embrace austerity?

Lew: a recession is not time for
austerity you idiot

Gregory: shouldn’t the deficit be the
number one priority?

Lew: no - it should be cutting payroll
taxes and get this economy going

[ break ]

Gregory: Ricky should women
use birth control?

Santorum: it’s outrageous that the
government can tell a religious
insurance company they must give
women a pill that murders unimplanted eggs

Gregory: wow

Santorum: even liberals are aghast
at this merciless murder of our
precious bodily fluids

Gregory: you seem to really hate birth control

Santorum: I weep for every happy sperm
that fails to meet a lovely egg

Gregory: you say that if Obama is
reelected he will make masturbation legal

Santorum: Barack Obama thinks that’s
he much smarter than you or me

Gregory: he may have a point there

Santorum: Dodd-Frank is fascism!

Gregory: what about gay marriage

Santorum: my campaign is about liberty
and also taking away gay rights

Gregory: what else is it about?

Santorum: reaching down and around

Gregory: I’m with you

Santorum: I also want to cut taxes for the rich

Gregory: that’s good

Santorum: The Ninth Circuit said the
California Constitution is unconstitutional
which is absurd

Gregory: makes sense

Santorum: judges here decided what
violates the U.S. Constitution which is
not the role of judges

Gregory: you’re on a roll Rickster

Santorum: we must respect the people
when they decide what rights other
people should have

Gregory: you say feminism is about
telling women work is better than not
working which isn’t true

Santorum: my wife was a nurse and lawyer
and got very upset when radical feminists
attacked her for living with me

Gregory: that is so sad

Santorum: we should fight for women’s
choices and respect and affirm their choices!

Gregory: except for birth control

Santorum: correct

Gregory: and gay marriage

Santorum: also that

Gregory: and serving in combat

Santorum: that too also

Gregory: gotcha

Santorum: I don’t know who would want
women in the infantry anyway

Gregory: do you think women should
be allowed to have jobs?

Santorum: maybe like a kindergarten
teacher or something

Gregory: won’t your campaign be
over on Super Tuesday?

Santorum: this week I’m going to talk
about drilling into the glory hole

Gregory: good plan

Santorum: I crushed Mitt Romney in Colorado

Gregory: so you are better than him
in the mile-high club

Santorum: that’s right Fluffy

Gregory: could you make conservatives
uncomfortable?

Santorum: One church! One people!
One nation!

Gregory: good god

Santorum: I am very bottom up!

Gregory: you have brought back
the sweater vest

Santorum: people do think I am too clean

Gregory: that’s not what I read on Google

Santorum: LOL

[ break ]

Gregory: let’s talk about banning the pill

Dionne: Obama was warned for months
that liberal Catholics hate paying for
safe sex which is very icky

Noonan: this is about more than the pill
- it’s also about bishops who love
fallopian tubes

Gregory: I see

Dionne: the Catholic Church really
wants to ban the pill you know

Noonan: this is the best moment for the
mother Church since that pesky
child molesting thing

Scarborough: Catholics also find
IUDs immoral

Burton: Obama’s original position
was actually very popular

Gregory: so why did he make this
pseudo-compromise?

Burton: because that’s what leaders do

Scarborough: gay rights and contraception
are bad for Obama and worse for Romney

Gregory: well of course

Dionne: Conservatives don’t trust Mitt

Scarborough: but he’s a severe conservative!

Dionne: Obama should be ashamed
for not doing whatever Catholics want

Noonan: it also proves that Obamacare
is very controversial because it’s a
bullying law that forces people to act
against their conscience

Gregory: unlike all other laws or
government action

Noonan: right

Gregory: Mitt Romney says Obama is
the last gasp of crazy liberalism

Burton: Obama ran as a moderate and
he’s governed as a moderate which makes
his critics insane

Scarborough: the right-wing has to
decide whether Obama is a golf-playing
elitist or a Joseph Stalin fascist

Gregory: Obama compromised on
having a SuperPAC

Burton: you’re an idiot

Noonan: Obama is in thrall to mad-dog
extreme radical pill-popping NARAL activists

Gregory: no more bloody marys in the
green room for Peggy

Dionne: I know socialists dear Peggy
and Obama is no socialist

Noonan: but the unused sperm!

Dionne: hey it took three years to
get Barack to talk about inequality

Noonan: Bill Clinton would never let
semen go to waste goddammit

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press
**********************************************

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - February 12, 2012

Guests:
Jack Lew (White House Chief of Staff)
Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI)
Rick Santorum
*********************
Stephanopoulos: Hi Jack

Lew: Hi

Stephanopoulos: you are not good
enough for Catholic bishops

Lew: um yeah

Stephanopoulos: they say the
government cannot make them
cooperate with a policy they don’t like

Lew: well that’s stupid

Stephanopoulos: contraception is
incredibly expensive

Lew: babies aren’t free either Stephy

Stephanopoulos: no but they are cute

Lew: also women deserve proper health care

Stephanopoulos: won’t paying for the pill
bankrupt insurance companies?

Lew: yeah sure it will George

Stephanopoulos: let’s talk about the
debt which is very high

Lew: the debt is high because of the
George W. Bush Recession®

Stephanopoulos: also the high price
of condoms

Lew: the economy is turning around and
some people think that’s a good thing

Stephanopoulos: not in Washington

Lew: I know that

Stephanopoulos: Paul Ryan says we
should cut taxes and also you guys
are ruining America’s military

Lew: the rich just need to pay their

fair share

Stephanopoulos: will you make
John Boehner cry by not calling him
on the phone?

Lew: they can either raise taxes on the
poor or not - their choice

Stephanopoulos: why not call him
on the phone?

Lew: hey Obama is busy - that guy needs
to stop sniveling and do his job

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: Hi Paul

Ryan: if you cut taxes on the poor you
are taking money away from old people

Stephanopoulos: this tax must be paid for
- unlike other tax cuts

Ryan: exactly - it’s so so sad

Stephanopoulos: do you really want to
turn Medicare into a voucher program?

Ryan: under Obamacare 15 bureaucrats
will decide whether you live or die

Stephanopoulos: oh dear

Ryan: under my plan everyone under
age 55 will get screwed in a way they
will greatly enjoy

Stephanopoulos: that’s something to
look forward to

Ryan: we are trying to save Medicare
by destroying it

Stephanopoulos: you hate the pill

Ryan: Obama’s plan is a fig leaf and
Catholics hate those

Stephanopoulos: that’s true

Ryan: Catholic insurers will have to pay
to allow women to have guilt-free sex
which is totally immoral

Stephanopoulos: Congress is less
popular than Nixon when he
committing felonies

Ryan: yes I don’t understand it when
we’ve voted to privatize Medicare
while the Senate isn’t doing anything

Stephanopoulos: it’s a total mystery

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: holy crap Rick
Santorum is the new front runner

Santorum: hidilley-ho neighbor

Stephanopoulos: can you win in Michigan?

Santorum: no but it’s a two-person race now

Stephanopoulos: Mitt says you are a
loser and a liberal

Santorum: he enacted RomneyCare and
supported Cap n’ Trade which is fascist
and therefore liberal

Stephanopoulos: he was to the left
of Ted Kennedy

Santorum: yes and only I lost my Senate
race because I was too conservative

Stephanopoulos: yes but you supported
Amtrak which is essentially Communist

Santorum: I like the minimum wage
but when you index it you might as
well put Joseph Stalin in office

Stephanopoulos: you supported
Sonia Sotomayor

Santorum: true she’s a racist
Latina but she’s also nice person

Stephanopoulos: you say women
shouldn’t be in combat because
men are too emotional

Santorum: my wife is a nurse and a
lawyer and she feels that society looks
down their nose at her for quitting
her careers to raise all of our
non-contraceptive children

Stephanopoulos: so you wrote a whole
book just to whine about that people
weren’t respecting the choices
your wife made?

Santorum: right - society needs to affirm
decisions women make except when
they have sex

Stephanopoulos: can you beat Obama?

Santorum: yes because I’m not an
opportunistic rich idiot like Romney
or a total psychopath like Newt Gingrich

Stephanopoulos: good luck with that Rick
**********************************

Sunday, February 05, 2012

Meet The Press - February 5, 2012

Guests:
Newt Gingrich
Mayor Mike Bloomberg (NYC)
Gov. Deval Patrick (D-MA)
Gov. Mitch Daniels (R-IN)
Representative Xavier Becerra (D-CA)
****************************
Gregory: good morning Newt Gingrich

Gingrich: I have lost 4 out of 5 states and
am very happy where we are

Gregory: you are losing every state and
in every category

Gingrich: I am hoping to do well in Georgia
where I am from

Gregory: I see

Gingrich: the safety net should be a
trampoline made from real tramps!

Gregory: you spend all your time
complaining that Romney is mean

Gingrich: well he is!

Gregory: I see

Gregory: Obama has caused 13% unemployment

Gregory: ah

Gingrich: Obama is timid and should declare
war on Iran

Gregory: can you think of anything you don’t
like about Romney

Gingrich: he’s pro-abortion, pro-taxes,
anti-jobs, and his health care plan kills people

Gregory: wow

Gingrich: I would save Social Security by
getting rid of it

Gregory: oh

Gingrich: I would boldly go where no man
has gone before

Gregory: fantastic

Gingrich: the minimum wage kills black people

Gregory: ok

Gingrich: I will eliminate all taxes on everyone

Gregory: unemployment is dropping

Gingrich: that doesn’t include people who are
so depressed that a black guy is in the
White House they just stopped looking for work

Gregory: what if unemployment keeps dropping?

Gingrich: then we will blame Obama for the debt
and high gas prices

Gregory: I see

Gingrich: also Obama is to blame for all the
changes in the world over the past half century
except the good ones

Gregory: interesting

Gingrich: Obama has declared war on the
Catholic church

Gregory: He's launched drone attacks
on the Vatican?

Gingrich: Obama has seized all church properties
across the land

Gregory: he did?

Gingrich: Obama’s attacks on Orthodox Jews
is a profound moment in American history

Gregory: oh my

Gingrich: true religious liberty means
controlling the government

Gregory: would there be religious freedom
on the moon?

Gingrich: yes for Christians

Gregory: but we are in an age of Austerity

Gregory: fuck you Fluffy

Gingrich: look I only said we need to go to the
moon to pander to some idiots in Florida

Gregory: but you yammer on about big spending

Gingrich: why do you hate America?

Gregory: I don’t hate most Americans

Gingrich: the Chinese are taking over
outer space

Gregory: do you loathe Mitt Romney as
much as it seems?

Gingrich: I refuse to answer such a silly
question about that lying motherfucker

Gregory: you like the Giants but New York
is the capital of media elite!

Gingrich: please allow me to pander to
the voters of Wisconsin

[ break ]

Gregory: unemployment is dramatically dropping

Daniels: Obama has failed to reverse the
job losses from the last Republican Presidency
so we should put another Republican
in the White House

Bloomberg: the economy is getting better
but the deficit is high

Gregory: oh noes!

Bloomberg: we must cut spending
and raise taxes

Gregory: so you’re saying raising taxes on
rich people is a bad idea

Bloomberg: look we’re all in this together and
since everyone benefits let’s not bicker about
who is fabulously rich and who is
struggling to survive

Patrick: we have to invest in America -
and by the way Massachusetts is kicking
job killing Indiana’s ass

Daniels: Barack Obama caused the recession
in 2007 and costs jobs ever since

Gregory: we’ve been adding jobs for
24 straight months

Daniels: lalalalalala I can’t hear you

Bloomberg: regardless of what happened in
the past we must not investigate what
caused the recession

Gregory: ok

Bloomberg: on the other hand all Republicans
do is criticize which is no way to win
a football game

Gregory: Mitch your candidates suck

Daniels: that is true

Gregory: you may be stuck with Mitt Romney

Daniels: oh god [ sobs ]

Gregory: you must be happy Deval

Patrick: these GOP candidates frighten me

Gregory: Mayor you say you oppose
criminals using guns

Bloomberg: hey remember when a
Congresswoman got shot?

Gregory: oh yeah that was so inspiring

Bloomberg: no it was terrible

Gregory: I suppose you could see it that way

Bloomberg: more Americans have been shot
than were killed in World War II

Gregory: should we have a victory parade for
Iraq and Afghanistan war veterans

Bloomberg: the wars aren’t over Greggers

Gregory: maybe not but parades are fun

Gregory: the Super Bowl predicts the election!

Daniels: Fluffy you are a true idiot

[ break ]

Gregory: Romney is killing!

Brooks: the anti-catholic media is ignoring
Obama’s attack on all religious people

Maddow: people generally like birth control

Castellanos: Obama has taken away all
freedom of religion

Becerra: the Catholic church shouldn’t be
running insurance companies without
complying with the law

Brooks: Bureaucratic Greed!

Maddow: this isn’t about religion it’s about
insurance you dumbasses

Gregory: Mitt Romney says he doesn’t care
about the poor and Obama caused job losses

Castellanos: Obama is killing old people

Brooks: the real issue is the high debt

Becerra: yes by all means let’s put the assholes
back in charge!

Castellanos: the GOP cares about your paycheck

Becerra: so pass the payroll tax cut!

Brooks: the America people are yearning for
a simpler tax code

Maddow: policy matters

Brooks: in his entire Presidency Obama has
only proposed digital textbooks

Becerra: that’s stupid

Gregory: what about Newt Gingrich

Castellanos: he carried philandering
megalomaniacs so he’s got that going for him

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press
********************************

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - February 5, 2012

Guests:
Rep. Ron Paul
Larry Summers
Glenn Hubbard - Romney advisor
Diane Swonk - Mesirow Financial
Arianna Huffington
Matthew Dowd
Dana Loesch
****************************
Stephanopoulos: good morning Ron Paul
- you did worse in 2012 than in 2008

Paul: dagnabit!

Stephanopoulos: when do you get
your first win?

Paul: Never! Liberty!

Stephanopoulos: Gingrich is trying to
destroy Mitt Romney

Paul: Sound money! Drug war!
Stop the wars!

Stephanopoulos: go on

Paul: no one likes these bastards

Stephanopoulos: what are you
trying to achieve?

Paul: victory!

Stephanopoulos: seriously Congressman

Paul: talking gibberish got me elected
to Congress

Stephanopoulos: that’s amazing

Paul: the young people of America finally
oppose John Maynard Keynes!

Stephanopoulos: do you think you can
get Mitt Romney to change his mind?

Paul: are you kidding? That guy
changes his mind when the sun rises

Stephanopoulos: good point

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: unemployment is down!
The stock market is up!

Romney: Obama caused the recession in
2007 and America is tired of all this job growth!

Stephanopoulos: Larry is this job growth for real?

Summers: well it’s not bad news George

Hubbard: yes it’s good news but let’s not
forget just how very very bad the Bush
recession was

Stephanopoulos: true

Hubbard: therefore we should put Republicans
back in the White House

Stephanopoulos: right

Hubbard: we need to cut taxes and
eliminate regulations

Swonk: Bring back the housing bubble!

Summers: Obama bailed out the GOP and
I’ll be damned if we’re going to give them
another chance wreck it all again

Hubbard: Obama is cheating by adding jobs

Stephanopoulos: should we attack Iran
and double oil prices

Swonk: Washington bickering causes recessions

Stephanopoulos: The GOP debt crisis
hurt the economy

Hubbard: Mitt Romney has heroically
called for lower taxes

Stephanopoulos: how brave

Hubbard: Obama has no economic plan

Stephanopoulos: of course

Summers: how about taxing the rich a tiny bit

Hubbard: Obama created the Republican
debt and unemployment

Swonk: Glenn you are idiot

Summers: grrrrr

Stephanopoulos: Romney has won in
Florida and Nevada

Will: there is an enthusiasm gap for Romney
but then again Gingrich is done for

Loesch: Newt just needs to stop talking

Dowd: they guy with the racist newsletters
is the rational alternative to Mitt Romney!

Huffington: Romney is crazier than Ron Paul

Will: Romney won two states and still had
a horrible week because his ideas are terrible

Dowd: we’re adding jobs and if that continues
there will be no reason to vote for Mitt at all

Loesch: watered owned conservatism
doesn’t work or win - go crazy or go home!

****************************************