Sunday, February 12, 2012

Meet The Press - February 12, 2012

Jack Lew (White House Chief of Staff)
Rick Santorum
Bill Burton
Joe Scarborough
E.J. Dionne
Peggy Noonan
Gregory: OMG there’s a national
firestorm over the pill

Audience: Shocking

Gregory: Mitt Romney won Maine and
the CPAC straw poll!

Audience: aw poor Ricky

Gregory: Controversial! Firestorm!
Birth Control! How did Obama botch this??

Lew: I heard you were a moron
but apparently I had no idea

Gregory: this is a huge social issue after
all the Catholic church has great moral authority

Lew: wow you really are all kinds of stupid

Gregory: there are lots of Catholic voters!

Lew: there are lots of women too Fluffy

Gregory: not on my show

Lew: I noticed

Gregory: was this political malpractice?

Lew: yes fighting for women will be such
a disaster for Obama

Gregory: the Bishops of America have
rejected Obama’s plan for women’s health

Lew: have they really?

Gregory: they say this intrudes into
their most deeply held belief

Lew: their right to cover up a worldwide
child rape scandal?

Gregory: um no

Lew: thought not

Gregory: Rick Santorum says this is about
freedom of speech and freedom of religion

Lew: Rick Santorum also believes all
contraception is wrong

Gregory: maybe he’s right

Lew: he’s a fucking dumbass

Gregory: Jobs are up and the stock market
are improving which is a paradox
because I hate Obama

Lew: yes it’s a true conundrum

Gregory: I try not to let it trouble
my fluffy head

Lew: Congress should still cut
payroll taxes!

Gregory: what will the exact
unemployment number be in November?

Lew: I means this sincerely Fluffy -
get some therapy

Gregory: why doesn’t the Senate
pass a budget?

Lew: because the Tea Party is insane

Gregory: how exactly do you run the
government without any money?

Lew: Last week Obama sold Alaska
to China

Gregory: the deficit is really really high!

Lew: because of the George W.
Bush Recession®

Gregory: shouldn’t the United States of
America embrace austerity?

Lew: a recession is not time for
austerity you idiot

Gregory: shouldn’t the deficit be the
number one priority?

Lew: no - it should be cutting payroll
taxes and get this economy going

[ break ]

Gregory: Ricky should women
use birth control?

Santorum: it’s outrageous that the
government can tell a religious
insurance company they must give
women a pill that murders unimplanted eggs

Gregory: wow

Santorum: even liberals are aghast
at this merciless murder of our
precious bodily fluids

Gregory: you seem to really hate birth control

Santorum: I weep for every happy sperm
that fails to meet a lovely egg

Gregory: you say that if Obama is
reelected he will make masturbation legal

Santorum: Barack Obama thinks that’s
he much smarter than you or me

Gregory: he may have a point there

Santorum: Dodd-Frank is fascism!

Gregory: what about gay marriage

Santorum: my campaign is about liberty
and also taking away gay rights

Gregory: what else is it about?

Santorum: reaching down and around

Gregory: I’m with you

Santorum: I also want to cut taxes for the rich

Gregory: that’s good

Santorum: The Ninth Circuit said the
California Constitution is unconstitutional
which is absurd

Gregory: makes sense

Santorum: judges here decided what
violates the U.S. Constitution which is
not the role of judges

Gregory: you’re on a roll Rickster

Santorum: we must respect the people
when they decide what rights other
people should have

Gregory: you say feminism is about
telling women work is better than not
working which isn’t true

Santorum: my wife was a nurse and lawyer
and got very upset when radical feminists
attacked her for living with me

Gregory: that is so sad

Santorum: we should fight for women’s
choices and respect and affirm their choices!

Gregory: except for birth control

Santorum: correct

Gregory: and gay marriage

Santorum: also that

Gregory: and serving in combat

Santorum: that too also

Gregory: gotcha

Santorum: I don’t know who would want
women in the infantry anyway

Gregory: do you think women should
be allowed to have jobs?

Santorum: maybe like a kindergarten
teacher or something

Gregory: won’t your campaign be
over on Super Tuesday?

Santorum: this week I’m going to talk
about drilling into the glory hole

Gregory: good plan

Santorum: I crushed Mitt Romney in Colorado

Gregory: so you are better than him
in the mile-high club

Santorum: that’s right Fluffy

Gregory: could you make conservatives

Santorum: One church! One people!
One nation!

Gregory: good god

Santorum: I am very bottom up!

Gregory: you have brought back
the sweater vest

Santorum: people do think I am too clean

Gregory: that’s not what I read on Google

Santorum: LOL

[ break ]

Gregory: let’s talk about banning the pill

Dionne: Obama was warned for months
that liberal Catholics hate paying for
safe sex which is very icky

Noonan: this is about more than the pill
- it’s also about bishops who love
fallopian tubes

Gregory: I see

Dionne: the Catholic Church really
wants to ban the pill you know

Noonan: this is the best moment for the
mother Church since that pesky
child molesting thing

Scarborough: Catholics also find
IUDs immoral

Burton: Obama’s original position
was actually very popular

Gregory: so why did he make this

Burton: because that’s what leaders do

Scarborough: gay rights and contraception
are bad for Obama and worse for Romney

Gregory: well of course

Dionne: Conservatives don’t trust Mitt

Scarborough: but he’s a severe conservative!

Dionne: Obama should be ashamed
for not doing whatever Catholics want

Noonan: it also proves that Obamacare
is very controversial because it’s a
bullying law that forces people to act
against their conscience

Gregory: unlike all other laws or
government action

Noonan: right

Gregory: Mitt Romney says Obama is
the last gasp of crazy liberalism

Burton: Obama ran as a moderate and
he’s governed as a moderate which makes
his critics insane

Scarborough: the right-wing has to
decide whether Obama is a golf-playing
elitist or a Joseph Stalin fascist

Gregory: Obama compromised on
having a SuperPAC

Burton: you’re an idiot

Noonan: Obama is in thrall to mad-dog
extreme radical pill-popping NARAL activists

Gregory: no more bloody marys in the
green room for Peggy

Dionne: I know socialists dear Peggy
and Obama is no socialist

Noonan: but the unused sperm!

Dionne: hey it took three years to
get Barack to talk about inequality

Noonan: Bill Clinton would never let
semen go to waste goddammit

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press


Eric Forat said...

hahahah! hilarious post! haven't laughed that hard for a long long while...

Malcolm The >:} said...

"George W. Bush Recession®"

Best laugh I had in a while. Appropriate use of the Registered trademark symbol.