Jack Lew (White House Chief of Staff)
Gregory: OMG there’s a national
firestorm over the pill
Gregory: Mitt Romney won Maine and
the CPAC straw poll!
Audience: aw poor Ricky
Gregory: Controversial! Firestorm!
Birth Control! How did Obama botch this??
Lew: I heard you were a moron
but apparently I had no idea
Gregory: this is a huge social issue after
all the Catholic church has great moral authority
Lew: wow you really are all kinds of stupid
Gregory: there are lots of Catholic voters!
Lew: there are lots of women too Fluffy
Gregory: not on my show
Lew: I noticed
Gregory: was this political malpractice?
Lew: yes fighting for women will be such
a disaster for Obama
Gregory: the Bishops of America have
rejected Obama’s plan for women’s health
Lew: have they really?
Gregory: they say this intrudes into
their most deeply held belief
Lew: their right to cover up a worldwide
child rape scandal?
Gregory: um no
Lew: thought not
Gregory: Rick Santorum says this is about
freedom of speech and freedom of religion
Lew: Rick Santorum also believes all
contraception is wrong
Gregory: maybe he’s right
Lew: he’s a fucking dumbass
Gregory: Jobs are up and the stock market
are improving which is a paradox
because I hate Obama
Lew: yes it’s a true conundrum
Gregory: I try not to let it trouble
my fluffy head
Lew: Congress should still cut
Gregory: what will the exact
unemployment number be in November?
Lew: I means this sincerely Fluffy -
get some therapy
Gregory: why doesn’t the Senate
pass a budget?
Lew: because the Tea Party is insane
Gregory: how exactly do you run the
government without any money?
Lew: Last week Obama sold Alaska
Gregory: the deficit is really really high!
Lew: because of the George W.
Gregory: shouldn’t the United States of
America embrace austerity?
Lew: a recession is not time for
austerity you idiot
Gregory: shouldn’t the deficit be the
number one priority?
Lew: no - it should be cutting payroll
taxes and get this economy going
[ break ]
Gregory: Ricky should women
use birth control?
Santorum: it’s outrageous that the
government can tell a religious
insurance company they must give
women a pill that murders unimplanted eggs
Santorum: even liberals are aghast
at this merciless murder of our
precious bodily fluids
Gregory: you seem to really hate birth control
Santorum: I weep for every happy sperm
that fails to meet a lovely egg
Gregory: you say that if Obama is
reelected he will make masturbation legal
Santorum: Barack Obama thinks that’s
he much smarter than you or me
Gregory: he may have a point there
Santorum: Dodd-Frank is fascism!
Gregory: what about gay marriage
Santorum: my campaign is about liberty
and also taking away gay rights
Gregory: what else is it about?
Santorum: reaching down and around
Gregory: I’m with you
Santorum: I also want to cut taxes for the rich
Gregory: that’s good
Santorum: The Ninth Circuit said the
California Constitution is unconstitutional
which is absurd
Gregory: makes sense
Santorum: judges here decided what
violates the U.S. Constitution which is
not the role of judges
Gregory: you’re on a roll Rickster
Santorum: we must respect the people
when they decide what rights other
people should have
Gregory: you say feminism is about
telling women work is better than not
working which isn’t true
Santorum: my wife was a nurse and lawyer
and got very upset when radical feminists
attacked her for living with me
Gregory: that is so sad
Santorum: we should fight for women’s
choices and respect and affirm their choices!
Gregory: except for birth control
Gregory: and gay marriage
Santorum: also that
Gregory: and serving in combat
Santorum: that too also
Santorum: I don’t know who would want
women in the infantry anyway
Gregory: do you think women should
be allowed to have jobs?
Santorum: maybe like a kindergarten
teacher or something
Gregory: won’t your campaign be
over on Super Tuesday?
Santorum: this week I’m going to talk
about drilling into the glory hole
Gregory: good plan
Santorum: I crushed Mitt Romney in Colorado
Gregory: so you are better than him
in the mile-high club
Santorum: that’s right Fluffy
Gregory: could you make conservatives
Santorum: One church! One people!
Gregory: good god
Santorum: I am very bottom up!
Gregory: you have brought back
the sweater vest
Santorum: people do think I am too clean
Gregory: that’s not what I read on Google
[ break ]
Gregory: let’s talk about banning the pill
Dionne: Obama was warned for months
that liberal Catholics hate paying for
safe sex which is very icky
Noonan: this is about more than the pill
- it’s also about bishops who love
Gregory: I see
Dionne: the Catholic Church really
wants to ban the pill you know
Noonan: this is the best moment for the
mother Church since that pesky
child molesting thing
Scarborough: Catholics also find
Burton: Obama’s original position
was actually very popular
Gregory: so why did he make this
Burton: because that’s what leaders do
Scarborough: gay rights and contraception
are bad for Obama and worse for Romney
Gregory: well of course
Dionne: Conservatives don’t trust Mitt
Scarborough: but he’s a severe conservative!
Dionne: Obama should be ashamed
for not doing whatever Catholics want
Noonan: it also proves that Obamacare
is very controversial because it’s a
bullying law that forces people to act
against their conscience
Gregory: unlike all other laws or
Gregory: Mitt Romney says Obama is
the last gasp of crazy liberalism
Burton: Obama ran as a moderate and
he’s governed as a moderate which makes
his critics insane
Scarborough: the right-wing has to
decide whether Obama is a golf-playing
elitist or a Joseph Stalin fascist
Gregory: Obama compromised on
having a SuperPAC
Burton: you’re an idiot
Noonan: Obama is in thrall to mad-dog
extreme radical pill-popping NARAL activists
Gregory: no more bloody marys in the
green room for Peggy
Dionne: I know socialists dear Peggy
and Obama is no socialist
Noonan: but the unused sperm!
Dionne: hey it took three years to
get Barack to talk about inequality
Noonan: Bill Clinton would never let
semen go to waste goddammit
Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press