Sunday, April 24, 2011

This Week with Christiane Amanpour -- April 24, 2011

Rev. Franklin Graham
Rev. Tim Keller
Dr. Richard Land - Southern Baptist Convention
Rev. Al Sharpton
Eboo Patel - Interfaith Youth Core
Cokie Roberts
Steve Roberts

Amanpour: what is Easter all about?

Graham: Jesus paid off all my debts

Amanpour: ooh could he do that for America?

Graham: it’s worth a try

Amanpour: you say the Anti-Christ is back and bigger than ever

Graham: yes look at the tragic failure of government to endorse my religion

Amanpour: what is the role of the church now?

Graham: to answer that question I would say the government should not help poor people

Amanpour: you have been to the scene of numerous disasters like Haiti, Japan, and the NY Mets

Graham: According to the Bible the Second Coming is nigh when ‘the Spider-man shall descend from the sky with a mighty crash’

Amanpour: oh my

Graham: indeed proof we in the final stage of human history

Amanpour: really - how long do we have?

Graham: between 10 and 1,000 years

Amanpour: how do you know we are living in the End Times

Graham: there’s earthquakes, tidal waves, nuclear meltdowns and Dancing with the Stars

Amanpour: you say the Antichrist is here and living among us

Graham: it’s a big government socialist with the mark of the beast

Amanpour: do you know who it is?

Graham: well the night Obama won the election the first thing he did was announce he was getting a dog

Amanpour: you seem to really believe in all this

Graham: I believe in the Bible cover-to-cover!

Amanpour: even the Book of Revelations?

Graham: ‘verily I beheld a great Red Dragon clad in red socks start the season 0-6’

Amanpour: What makes you think Jesus will return now?

Graham: because everyone has cell phones and is on YouTube!

Amanpour: so Jesus will send a universal text message

Jesus: yo whats up im bak 4 reals

Amanpour: or post a viral video

YouTube comments:
lamest 2nd coming ever this dude sux lol

Graham: the world is going to moan

Amanpour: what exactly do you mean

Graham: During the Apocalypse Jesus will leverage social media

Amanpour: are you saying Jesus is going to be on twitter?

Jesus: hey every1 i need 144,00 follows thnx #jesussecondccoming

Graham: if you are saved he will poke or friend you

Amanpour: do you hate Muslims?

Graham: no I just think they are all going to hell where they belong

Amanpour: your dad Billy is America’s most famous Christian

Graham: my dad says he doesn’t recognize the America he knew anymore - when people were civil and polite and blacks and Jews and Papists knew their place

Amanpour: what about Sarah Palin?

Graham: She’s an idiot

Amanpour: maybe you prefer Mitt Romney

Graham: He’s a nice man for someone with a bizarre fake superstition who worships a false idol

Amanpour: well who do you support?

Graham: Donald Trump all the way Christiane

Amanpour: what do you think of Obama

Graham: Obama is gracious but he’s a socialist!!!

Amanpour: what’s the deal with all this Birtherism?

Graham: I know what room I was born in - does this darkie know from what hut he came into this world?

Amanpour: that’s a strong statement

Graham: that slick negro is hiding something I know it

Amanpour: some people even think he’s a muslim

Graham: Obama claims he’s a Christian but his middle name is Hussein - sorry I don’t buy it

Amanpour: anything else

Graham: he’s also a commie

Amanpour: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Amanpour: wow I’m shocked that religion is not dead

Keller: god rocks!

Amanpour: and people still believe in science

Keller: that’s your mushy middle

Amanpour: you say people like money too much

Keller: my investment banker congregation agree greed is bad

Amanpour: interesting

Keller: there’s nothing wrong with making money - just come to church too

Amanpour: if you question greed you will upset the American applecart

Keller: we live in a dog-eat-dog world

Amanpour: which caused the financial crisis

Keller: work with the poor and you will be happier in the long run

Amanpour: we have a lot of political polarization now

Keller: we used to all get along and now we don’t and that’s sad

Amanpour: right

Keller: We should not demonize each other -- you even have people now question whether a President is legitimate

Amanpour: I just talked to Franklin Graham and he believes we should be very civil and polite while questioning if our first black President is a real American

Keller: well between him and the Catholic church religion has gotten a bad rap lately

Amanpour: but in religion is all about politics

Keller: I have an idea - religion could be about God and not the tax code

Amanpour: Mr Keller that’s crazy talk

[ break ]

Amanpour: happy Easter everyone

Land: Obama is breaking the Ten Commandments by stealing from our grandchildren!

Steve Roberts: there is also a religious call for charity

Sharpton: make the rich pay their fair share!

Land: the rich are paying too much now!

Cokie: there are other values besides getting rich

Land: whaa??

Patel: I’m a Muslim but we like Jesus too

Land: Jesus was a anti-union capitalist!

Sharpton: dude he said a rich man can’t get into heaven!

Land: the Bible commands us to lower taxes on the rich!

Steve: are you for real?

Land: we need to keep the charitable tax deduction

Cokie: you are so wise

Land: we tithe but if you tax the rich they will not create jobs

Amanpour: Franklin Graham hates big government

Sharpton: how about religion advocating for the poor

Steve: if you tithe then why not tax people

Land: on this Easter Sunday let us admit we can no longer afford Medicare and Medicaid - praise Jesus!

Patel: interesting

Amanpour: what is the greatest spiritual issue in America?

Land: people need to ask God which Tea Party candidate they should support

Cokie: materialism is rampant

Steve: what my wife said

Sharpton: what if Christians actually followed Jesus’ teachings?

Patel: Faith can be a bomb or bridge

Amanpour: or a drone bombing a bridge

Amanpour: can religion help us have more civil political discussions?

Cokie: religion divides people but at least we’re not killing each other - yet

Amanpour: can religion unite us?

Land: we should not attack people’s motives when there are so many other reasons

Steve: religious people could be a little more humble

Land: those damm atheists are the most arrogant!

Sharpton: Vanity can outrun Sanity!

Land: Good line Al

[ high fives Sharpton ]

Sharpton: I was stabbed and testified for the guy who stabbed me

Cokie: that makes sense

Patel: we have an opportunity to be an example to the whole world of religions getting along

Cokie: In America we’ve had a civil war and then there was some incivility when black children were killed in for wanting basic rights - so things have been worse

Patel: Muslims are worried that it’s ok to hate them in America

Steve: yeah but we hated the Irish too

Patel: we have to push the pendulum

Amanpour: people think Obama is Muslim

Land: that’s unbalanced - he’s a mainline Chicago Protestant - which is worse

Steve: calling Obama a muslim is a metaphor to make Obama seem strange and weird and evil

Cokie: it’s a code for race - they can’t say they don’t like him because he’s black so they call him Muslim which is an acceptable slur

Patel: what a relief

Steve: 90% of young people are ok with interracial marriage - things are getting better and people are more tolerant than ever and that’s all kinds of cool

Amanpour: well ok then


Meet The Press - April 24, 2011

John McCain (R-AZ)
Sen. Kent Conrad (D-ND)
Sen. Tom Coburn (R-NE)
Eugene Robinson
David Brooks
Alex Castellanos
Gregory: John what’s happening in Libya

McCain: It’s a mess and a stalemate and we need to increase our involvement with more intense bombing immediately

Gregory: can that will achieve victory without ground troops?

McCain: yes - if we also take out Qadaffi’s cable tv

Gregory: you cruel bastard

McCain: heh

Gregory: Mitt Romney said the plan is muddled

McCain: he’s right - Obama should take out Qadaffi now!

Gregory: but you just said no U.S. soldiers on the ground

McCain: Bombs!

Gregory: what if that doesn’t work?

McCain: More bombs!

Gregory: Should we stay in Iraq until 2012?

McCain: it’s very very very important we stay for at least 10 years

Gregory: so on what date would you have the U.S. end the military occupation of Iraq?

McCain: Never - is never good for you?

Gregory: Do you love Donald Trump as much as me?

McCain: I’m not sure that’s possible David

Gregory: is he serious?

McCain: he’s having more fun than I ever did

Gregory: will you endorse him for President?

McCain: I was a Palin man in 2008 and I’m a Palin man now

Gregory: But she’s an idiot

McCain: That’s never been a big problem for our Presidential candidates

Gregory: true - thanks for coming John

McCain: thank you Fluffy

[ break ]

Gregory: Kent Conrad and Tom Coburn are 2 of the 6 people who will soon decide for America how best to dismantle the most successful social programs in American history - thanks for coming guys

Coburn: yo what's up fluff

Conrad: any day now we will reveal to the nation what fate we have decided for all of you

Gregory: awesome

Coburn: it’s vital for America that you follow our six-person plan - we’re flat broke

Gregory: so will you raise taxes?

Coburn: no we are out of money so we must cut taxes for rich people - if we’re nice to them maybe they will give us some money

Gregory: you might have to break your pledge not to raise taxes though

Coburn: maybe - its not like the GOP controls the Senate

Gregory: Don’t you have to raise taxes on the middle class?

Conrad: did you know corporations are cheating by hiding in the Cayman Islands?

Gregory: Kent perhaps you misheard my demand for higher taxes on the middle class

Conrad: no I heard you just fine Fluffy

Gregory: let’s move on - Tom don’t you have to raise taxes on the middle class?

Coburn: no we have to eliminate Medicaid

Gregory: I see

Coburn: Obama is hurting America by not cutting Medicare

Gregory: People want more government than they are willing to pay for and they want to tax the rich

Conrad: this is a defining moment - people are struggling so it’s the perfect time to get rid of entitlements

Gregory: but how can you and I persuade the American people to cut Medicare and Social Security

Conrad: we have to scare the daylights out of them

Gregory: is all this hype over defaulting on the debt overblown?

Conrad: absolutely - the debt is a fundamental threat to the future of America

Gregory: so no debt ceiling vote from you

Conrad: sure reneging on the debt would be bad - but Social Security is worse!

Gregory: what about it Tom

Coburn: repudiating the debt is a-ok - what is catastrophic is spending on the sick and elderly

Gregory: is Donald Trump ethical enough to be President?

Coburn: we need strong moral leadership so no

Gregory: but John Ensign is a friend of yours

Coburn: mistakes were made

Gregory: should he have resigned?

Coburn: who can say? I have no idea what Ensign did

Gregory: should the ethics committee make their findings public?

Conrad: who can say? I’m just a humble senator

[ break ]

Gregory: Should the GOP put all their Easter eggs in the Ending-Medicare basket?

Castellanos: true they seem cold and evil but Democrats won’t cut anything

Gregory: excellent false point Alex

Dunn: the American People want us to work together to give them magical stoned ponies

Brooks: I love the Ryan plan because it finally asked the tough question - are the dying elderly getting a free ride?

Gregory: you have raise taxes on the middle class!
[ sits backs, looks smug ]

Robinson: People love Medicare and they want to tax the rich

Brooks: Obama must give the people a Powerpoint presentation like all great Presidents such as Ross Perot

Gregory: 70% of Americans think we’re on the wrong track

Castellanos: Obama has divided Democrats and Republicans

Gregory: the GOP may bear some of the blame for that too

Dunn: yes after all the first line of the Ryan plan was “The President is a Big Poopyhead”


Robinson: Calm down Fluffy

Dunn: taxes for the rich are the lowest since Herbert Hoover

Cast: when Obama says the rich pay too little he is dividing America and attacking poor weak helpless outnumbered billionaires

Robinson: we can debate how to cut social programs or we can debate how to save them

Brooks: the economy is improving but people are more pessimistic than ever

Gregory: People want the housing bubble back

Castellanos: Obama bows to foreigners and took over car companies and people hate that

Gregory: T Boone Pickens is disappointed in Obama for not subsidizing his natural gas facilities

Brooks: I was in an Applebees in Pennsylvania and learned that we must get over our silly aversion to fossil fuels

Dunn: Green jobs!

Gregory: Feel the Trumpmentum!!

Robinson: Hear the Trumpets!

Castellanos: Americans hate Washington but he’s a moron

Brooks: he stands for he idea that a little poor small guy can start with nothing and still make it America

Robinson: LOL

Gregory: he seems to have no shortage of stupid ideas

Dunn: I for one welcome the Trump candidacy

Gregory: 45% of Republicans don’t think Obama is from planet Earth

Cast: Trump is going toe-to-toe with Obama so it becomes all about Trump vs Obama - that is such a win for Republicans

Dunn: I love how crazy he is

Guthrie: is there a right to privacy in the Constitution?

Trump: I dunno maybe

Gurthrie: but you’re pro-life

Trump: What does a right to privacy have to do abortion?

Guthire: ever heard of Roe v Wade dipshit

Trump: savannah: yur fired

Gregory: he’s seems stupid but can Trump win?

Brooks: Americans frustrated with poor government will eventually vote for a downright moron

Robinson: Trump makes the other candidates look like whiny little losers without a reality tv show

Gregory: except for Palin

Robinson: good point Fluffy

Castellanos: there’s plenty of time for the other GOP candidates to gain public exposure and also be revealed as true idiots

McCain: Bomb bomb bomb Libya

Brooks: Let me give you my analysis of the situation in Libya

Gregory: David what makes you an expert in foreign policy?

Brooks: I once ate at an International House of Pancakes

Gregory: and that’s Meet The Press


Sunday, April 17, 2011

Meet The Press - April 17, 2011

Tim Geithner (Sec. of Treasury)
Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT)
Alan Greenspan
Jennifer Granholm
Tavis Smiley
Jon Meacham
Gregory: Will Obama finally agree to do what
the Tea Party wants?

Geithner: why should he

Gregory: the Republicans demand it

Geithner: so I’ve heard

Gregory: you must link debt ceiling and cut spending

Geithner: so you say

Gregory: your warnings about the debt ceiling
are overblown

Geithner: you can’t play chicken with the
credibility of the U.S. of A. bucko

Gregory: will you the shut down the government?

Geithner: Look Obama offered trillions in cuts -
what more do the Republicans want?

Gregory: Obama once voted against raising
the debt ceiling

Geithner: true but the whole world is watching to
see how crazy we really are

Gregory: Let me tell you Americans are
thinking about

Geithner: [ eyeroll ]

Gregory: the gas is too damm high!

Geithner: well you know war in the Middle East, Africa, earthquakes and meltdown in Japan
are not helpful

Gregory: Mitt Romney says Obama caused a recession in 2008

Geithner: heh

Gregory: how do answer the charge that you
totally suck

Geithner: we’ve created more jobs in one year
than Bush did in 8 years

Gregory: I still don’t like you

Geithner: Don’t bet against America Fluffy -
it survived Revolution, Civil War, Depressions and can survive my tenure as Secretary of Treasury

Gregory: probably

Geithner: we need to cut spending now so the next Republican President can raise spending

Gregory: will unemployment ever go down?

Geithner: who can say?

Gregory: Obama is insisting on raising taxes on
the rich

Geithner: well either that or cut spending the disabled, gut defense, or borrow more money from the Chinese

Gregory: don’t you have to raise taxes on the
middle class?

Geithner: do we?

Gregory: yes because Boehner says no way am
I raising taxes on the rich

Geithner: we could afford everything if we eliminated loopholes for the wealthy

Gregory: Obama poisoned the well!

Geithner: it’s a starting point

Gregory: Obama gave poor Paul Ryan the black
of his hand

Geithner: suck it up Whyan

Gregory: Won’t raising taxes hurt the economy?

Geithner: not if we truly believe in the greatness
of America

Gregory: Debbie Wasserman Schultz says the Ryan plan is a deathtrap

Geithner: Debbie only said that because she’s from
Florida and most of her constituents are near the end

Gregory: [ high pitched voice ] Obama is not serious!

Geithner: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: GE paid no taxes - how do I get in on
that action

Geithner: you need to lose a huge amount of money

Gregory: I think NBC is good at that

Gregory: so will you address tax inequity

Geithner: yes and even Republicans find this pretty fucking outrageous

Gregory: are you staying in your job

Geithner: no comment Fluffers

Gregory: hee hee

[ break ]

Gregory: Senator will the Tea Party raise the debt ceiling or will you destroy the USA

Lee: we will only vote for it if we also amend the Constitution to require a President to wear his
birth certificate at all times around his neck on a sandwich board

Greenspan: I don’t understand what is going on

Gregory: Did Betsy get your pudding?

Greenspan: Debt is bad

Gregory: Obama Unplugged has total contempt
for the GOP Congress

Granholm: the GOP has the Ryan plan and Obama has a plan and now we can have a debate and that’s how politics work

Gregory: but that’s all fantasy

Smiley: Budgets are moral documents!
The poor got locked out!

Gregory: We are all ruled by the Tea Party because they Dominate The Conversation

Meacham: they are adorable lunatics

Mondale: Obama should promise to raise taxes and he will get reelected because it worked so well for me

Lee: you can’t raise taxes

Gregory: you go Mike

Lee: look the American people know what they want - more spending and lower taxes

Greenspan: Ayn Rand once told me that you can’t get out of a recession by raising taxes - then again she once served me a pie made from poor people

Gregory: Fascinating

Greenspan: We have to let the tax cuts for the
rich expire

Lee: [ swoon, thud ]

Gregory: down goes Lee

Meacham: If Democrats raises taxes they will be flacked

Gregory: Jon you are so erudite

Smiley: forget the optics - what about standing up for the right thing dammit!!

Granholm: that’s what Obama did Tavis

Smiley: oh man those are just words!

Granholm: you’re a talk show host!

Tavis: and a writer!

Gregory: unemployment is still high but the stock market is going great

Greenspan: Americans have bet their retirement on shares on American corporations

Gregory: good plan

Greenspan: all those layoffs were great for
corporate America

Gregory: excellent

Greenspan: but now lack of employees
may hurt companies

Gregory: uh oh

Gregory: A bankrupt reality game show show host is leading the GOP polls

Meacham: Donald Trump's success proves the frustration with both parties

Audience: [ palmface ]

Smiley: Trump is a con artist and he’s playing the idiots in the D.C. media

Lee: Romney doesn’t feel pity remorse or fear - he has no feelings and he can’t be stopped

Gregory: I will now continue my absurd obsession with the idea of Jon Huntsman running for President

Lee: thanks Fluffy

Granholm: Donald Trump appears to passionately believe in something - unlike Weather Vain

Gregory: Deval Patrick says we need optimism and do great things

Lee: the Tea Party is optimistic - that we can finally declare the U.S. government an utter failure

Gregory: Alan you’re very very old - give us
your insight

Greenspan: America has a good ride for 118 years but it’s over

Gregory: just like you

Gregory: Mike be honest - will you raise the debt ceiling or not?

Lee: you can’t read my poker face
my p-p-p-poker face

Gregory: I got an e-mail from a guy complaining about Those Clowns in Congress

Greenspan: how do they stay so topical

Smiley: War is the enemy of the poor!

Meacham: Can Obama catapult the propaganda?

Gregory: Good question Jon - hey audience for more of this go to the internets where I talk to Tavis Smiley about his book and Jon Meacham about
Shelby Foote’s book

Meacham: [ sobs ]

Gregory: [ hands Jon tissue ]

and that’s Meet The Press

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - April 17, 2011

April 17, 2011
Tim Geithner (Sec. of Treasury)
Rep. Allen West (R-FL)
Rep. Joe Walsh (R-IL)
Rep. Renee Ellmers (R-NC)
Rep. Steve Southerland (R-FL)
Amanpour: we have a $14 trillion debt - so should we end Medicare or raise taxes on the rich?

Audience: hmm tough one

Amanpour: Tim what is the debt ceiling and
is it made of glass

Geithner: Congress will raise the ceiling because they don’t want to see American credibility completely destroyed - I think

Amanpour: what would happen if we didn’t
raise the ceiling

Geithner: we’d stop all payments to old people and soldiers - oh and cause a worldwide Depression

Amanpour: you seem confident that the nuts
in Congress won’t default but you are campaigning for it

Geithner: well there are a lot of crazy people
in office now

Amanpour: so I’ve heard

Geithner: the whole world is watching and waiting
for us to lock in some real fun austerity

Amanpour: Obama ambushed Republicans by proposing a budget after they demanded that
he propose a budget

Geithner: um yes

Amanpour: but is being to mean to the nuts the
right tone?

Geithner: we could cut taxes and increase spending like the Republicans always do

Amanpour: ooh good idea

Geithner: that was sarcasm

Amanpour: but you are going to damage
the recovery

Geithner: if we do this carefully we can boost the economy while cutting spending

Amanpour: I fear you will raise taxes on the rich

Geithner: we have to and Paul Ryan proved it

Amanpour: Boehner says no way to tax hikes

Geithner: their own panic on the debt shows you have to raise taxes on the rich or borrow more the Chinese

Amanpour: why not tax the poor more?

Geithner: there is spending in the tax code
that goes to the rich

Amanpour: I see what you did there

Geithner: [ grins sheepishly ]

Amanpour: so what’s your plan?

Geithner: first we raise taxes on the rich and get
rid of loopholes that mostly benefit billionaires

Amanpour: the IMF wants you to turn the unemployed into soylent green

Geithner: fuck those foreigners

Amanpour: the British tried austerity and surprisingly it sucks

Geithner: True but they have to support a gold-and-jewel-encrusted
monarchical drain on society

Amanpour: we have Donald Trump

Geithner: good point

Amanpour: what about putting some Wall Street crooks in jail?

Geithner: well they are very nice you know

Amanpour: so no prosecutions

Geithner: lets not look back

Amanpour: you will stay on and continue to preside over a recession?

Geithner: I do what I can Christiane

Amanpour: you want to cut the deficit and cut taxes for rich people noble ideas indeed - but ill you wreck American first but not raising the debt ceiling?

Southerland: we won’t vote for raising the ceiling if they don’t offer something serious like eliminating Medicare

Walsh: Tea Partiers were sent to Washington by Americans who realized debt was bad after a black Democrat became President

West: we should amend the Constitution to put the Supreme Court in charge of the budget

Amanpour: Privatizing Medicare will cost old people a lot of money

Ellmers: no - it will empower old people to make their own choices on whether they want to die or not

Amanpour: what if they can’t afford medical care

Ellmers: if we don’t eliminate Medicare we will have to face the horrifying prospect of losing Medicare

Amanpour: if the debt is so bad why not raise
taxes on the rich

Walsh: no no no we must cut taxes and grow the economy

Amanpour: I see

Walsh: you cut taxes and revenues go up -
it’s like magic!

Amanpour: overall people seem to hate your plan

Southerland: look you can’t do the best thing for America and expect people to like you

Amanpour: of course not

Southerland: I may lose in 2012 but I will do so knowing I did my best to take money from poor people and give it to rich people

Amanpour: thanks for coming

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Meet The Press - April 10, 2011

David Plouffe - White House advisor
Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI)
Tim Shriver - CEO Special Olympics
Helene Cooper - New York Times
Jim Cramer - CNBC
Chuck Todd - NBC news
Gregory: wow Congress and Obama agreed
to cut $38.5 billion!

Plouffe: woo hoo

Gregory: Obama is a bad man

Plouffe: I disagree - this is what divided
government looks like

Gregory: but Obama is terrible

Plouffe: this ridiculous fight is the model
for deals going forward

Gregory: but Obama is not good

Plouffe: let’s move on Fluffy

Gregory: Congressional democrats are
also bad people

Plouffe: we need to invest in cancer research,
Head Start and killer drones

Gregory: what will Obama give the Republicans in exchange for not crashing the U.S. economy

Plouffe: it would be a total catastrophe
if we don’t raise the debt limit

Gregory: it’s Armageddon!

Plouffe: it’s a big game of chicken

Gregory: Obama has failed to cut Medicare
unlike the courageous Paul Ryan

Plouffe: Obama is going cut a trillion dollars in spending

Gregory: but Obama didn’t propose the debt commission’s recommendations

Plouffe: actually he did

Gregory: not Alan Simpson’s Puppy Killing Act
of 2010

Plouffe: we have divided government so we may compromise and just kill some household pets

Gregory: you have to cut Medicare and Medicaid!

Plouffe: I do?

Gregory: you HAVE to!!!

Plouffe: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: any chance Paul Ryan’s plan get passed

Plouffe: giving $200,000 tax cut and

Gregory: will you raise taxes on everyone?

Plouffe: on the rich

Gregory: you should raise taxes on those
selfish middle classes

Plouffe: how about we not do that?

Gregory: is that a re-election pledge?

Plouffe: we’ve cut taxes consistently

Gregory: Obama promised to close Gitmo and instead KSM will go before a military tribunal

Plouffe: 10 years after 9/11 the guy still hasn’t
been put on trial and now we will

[ break ]

Gregory: did the Republicans almost shut down
the government?

Ryan: hell yeah!

Gregory: will there be a Budgetgeddon?

Ryan: we won’t raise the debt ceiling without
cutting a trillion dollars first

Gregory: like what?

Ryan: like really really big cuts

Gregory: Mark McKinnon said you will either
save America or destroy it

Ryan: now that a Democrat is President we must
cut the debt

Gregory: you are an idealist but your plan is not realistic

Ryan: the high debt requires us to cut taxes

Gregory: you would end Medicare, reverse Medicaid and cut taxes for the rich

Ryan: boo-yah

Gregory: Alan Simpson thinks you are cruel to the weak and he eats kittens for breakfast

Ryan: also I don’t address health care costs

Gregory: right I forgot

Ryan: look rich people are overtaxed - do you know how much foie gras costs??

Gregory: interesting

Ryan: rich people need your tax money
to make jobs!

Gregory: that’s convenient

Ryan: we’re competing against India and China to woo Job Creators

Gregory: you would cut aid for the poor and disabled

Ryan: Medicare was designed for people who died
at age 60 and we need to return to that

Gregory: I see

Ryan: we want to give the poor and old people the power to negotiate with their doctors for cheaper surgeries

Gregory: that doesn’t sound too awesome for
old people

Ryan: no it’s “personalized” - you can craft you own Death Panel

Gregory: what about dealing with tax reform first?

Ryan: maybe Obama will meet us halfway and slash Social Security instead

Gregory: your plan is blatantly ideological

Ryan: punishing old people will give our children
a debt-free nation

Gregory: I can’t help notice that no one
likes your plan

Ryan: my plan will pass the GOP caucus

Gregory: what about the GOP Presidential candidates?

Ryan: I’ve heard they all secretly love it

[ break ]

Gregory: OMG this budget crisis makes elected officials looks bad!

Todd: we almost shut the government down over stale culture wars

Cooper: it went right down to the last moment -
it was scary!

Gregory: Obama had a photo-op showing that
he protected the Washington monument from a lack of visitors!

Shriver: Honestly most non-geek Americans were not awake and twittering at midnight Friday

Audience: who us

Cramer: Obama is a job-killing socialist and also the economy is rapidly turning around

Gregory: but but but Obama is a bad President

Cramer: we must fear the IMF

Gregory: the GOP is driving the debate

Todd: Boehner used Planned Parenthood to squeeze another $38 billion in cuts

Gregory: the Tea Party don’t want to legislate

Shriver: I respect the Tea Party for be willing to lose - but what do they want to build?

Gregory: Charlie Cook says cutting Medicare
is suicidal

Cramer: Interest rates are going to go up dramatically in July if we don’t cut Medicaid

Cooper: Obama is so far above the fray he can he see the roofs of our planes as they fly off

Gregory: Paul Ryan put out a brave plan to
privatize Medicare

Todd: it’s like Gollum’s ring - it will destroy anyone who touches it

Gregory: Whether Vain endorsed it

Todd: the Tea Party are like the Sith - you must confront the Tea Party without becoming one of them

Gregory: what’s the key to 2012

Todd: Ohio and Hispanics

Shriver: people are angry about lack of jobs, fairness and shared larger purpose

Gregory: What is the Unforseen

Cramer: Obama must scare people that they will lose their job if we don’t cut the debt

Brokaw: Should Qadaffi leave?

Prince Saud: he’s a whackjob

Brokaw: Exile?

Saud: on Main Street

Cooper: Libya is they key to the Presidential election in 2012

Gregory: Chaos is so much fun

Todd: the Middle East is consuming the
White House

Cooper: everytime America thinks we’re out we
get pulled back in

Gregory: and that’s Meet the Press
Gov. Whether Vain

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - April 10, 2011

David Plouffe - White House advisor
Rep. Mike Pence (R-IN)
Rep. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD)
Amanpour: this week’s epic budget fight was puny compared to Budgetgeddon!!

Plouffe: true

Amanpour: the President wanted to increase spending and then he cut $38 billion

Plouffe: yes but we need to reduce the debt while increasing spending by decreasing spending

Amanpour: so why did Obama take a victory lap?

Plouffe: who doesn’t love a firm fiscal trajectory?

Amanpour: so are the cuts draconian or historic?

Plouffe: both - the agreement is Historically Draconican

Amanpour: I see

Plouffe: we protected cancer research and Head Start

Amanpour: Economists have said cuts will cause another recession

Plouffe: tell that to the GOP

Amanpour: Does Obama has the stomach for another big fight?

Plouffe: we’re bringing spending to its lowest level since Dwight Eisenhower - we’re Winning Back to the Future!

Amanpour: what is Obama’s plan for making Republicans and Democrats agree on something

Plouffe: Jedi mind tricks

Amanpour: can Obama really do that

Plouffe: hey we all came together to cut taxes for the rich

Amanpour: Anthony Weiner just tweeted: we need our own agenda #fuckyourepublicans

Plouffe: Obama is driving the agenda on cuts - what spending we should cut and what also taxes we should cut

Amanpour: good for him

Plouffe: we’re giving the wealthy a massive tax break - that’s a choice

Amanpour: Donald Trump thinks Obama is a Kenyan spear thrower

Plouffe: didn’t the Bronx Zoo Cobra dispatch this asshole

Donovan: Paul Ryan wants to cut $6 trillion - he’s so adorable

Audience: awwww

[ break ]

Pence: the Dems want to borrow money from China to abort babies!

Reid: the GOP would shut down the government to hurt women’s health!

Amanpour: you are a Tea Party guy - can you vote for this bill?

Pence: we fought the good fight

Amanpour: yes or no

Pence: no - but poor Boehner was assaulted by Obama and his abortion friends

Van Hollen: no one has any idea what is in this bill

Amanpour: naturally

Van Hollen: Mike Pence wanted to shut down the government over contraception

Amanpour: interesting

Van Hollen: they don’t want to create jobs - just give tax breaks to the rich

Amanpour: so will this budget agreement pass?

Van Hollen: they took us the brink of disaster to impose their religious beliefs on everyone else

Pence: it’s nonsense to say the Tea Party wanted to shut down the government - the bottom line is Obama loves abortion

Amanpour: how is abortion a budgetary issue?

Pence: I’m pro-life and I don’t apologize for it

Amanpour: so I see

Pence: Planed Parenthood gives my tax dollars for abortion and the Lord God intended U.S. tax dollars to be given to failed Wall Street executives

Amanpour: will vote to increase the debt ceiling?

Pence: no

Van Hollen: playing chicken with the debt is incredibly dangerous

Pence: that makes it cool! It’s Extreme Budgeting!

Van Hollen: Paul Ryan ends Medicare and puts the burden on old people while giving money away to the rich

Pence: true but if you’re 55 or older you’re safe and if you’re under 55 you will have the wonderful opportunity to experience a free market in health care

Van Hollen: good luck with that

Pence: we want to give people the same health care as Congress

Van Hollen: [ bursts out laughing ]

Amanpour: thanks for coming

Sunday, April 03, 2011

Meet The Press - April 3, 2011

Richard Dubin (D-IL)
Rep. Mike Rogers (R-MI)
Marc Morial - National Urban League
Doris Goodwin
E.J. Dionne
Mike Murphy
Gregory: Dick what’s up with Afghanistan

Durbin: Afghanistan is a costly nightmare and
we must get the hell out of there

Gregory: it has gone on a bit long

Durbin: it’s crazy

Gregory: you want to leave by July

Durbin: well why the hell not

Gregory: will there be government shutdown?

Durbin: Poor Boehner - he’s trapped between the weirdos and the corrupt in his party

Gregory: Democrats will be mad at you if you
don’t fund Planned Parenthood

Durbin: things like that proves the GOP doesn’t
care about the debt - it’s about ideology

Gregory: so would you vote for that?

Durbin: I’m not going to vote for cutting
Planned Parenthod or an EPA shutdown

Gregory: Chuck Schumer said Boehner is in
a box and that tea party is extreme

Durbin: well they are

Gregory: are you going to win the message battle?

Durbin: these cuts would put America in Jeopardy

Audience: I’ll take Failed Government for $1,000

Gregory: forget the substance - let’s talk about politics and framing the debate

Durbin: Sorry I know you hate substance

Gregory: Jobs are being created but Obama
must be a bad President isn’t he?

Durbin: hey tell it to the House Republicans Fluffy

Gregory: how about a voucher program
for Medicare?

Durbin: everything must be on the table - including raising taxes on the rich and Pentagon cuts

Gregory: oh shit

Gregory: Obama wants to apply steady gentle pressure on Qadaffi

Durbin: sounds good to me - Obama got support from the Arab League, the U.N., and the Egyptian
Bronx Zoo cobra

Gregory: Obama declared “mission accomplished”!

Durbin: oh Fluffy you are hilariously deranged by Obama aren’t you

Gregory: Fred Hiatt wants Obama to kill Qadaffi

Durbin: we’ve taken his money, his land and his
iTunes collection

Gregory: would you like to be head of the DNC?

Durbin: good god

[ break ]

Gregory: Congressman you were in the FBI
which makes you the bad-ass of the House

Rogers: the CIA is in Libya to gather facts and if it comes up to kick a little ass

Gregory: you don’t want to give the rebels weapons

Rogers: I support the no-fly zone but we don’t know who the rebels are - they could be liberals!

Gregory: are they all al-qaeda?

Rogers: not necessarily - there are 140 tribes

Gregory: good lord - I’d better update my bracket

Gregory: what about using Arab special forces?

Rogers: you don’t know what special forces
are do you?

Gregory: no

Rogers: the rebels are getting more organized - they’re all on LinkedIn and Foursquare

Gregory: the Wall Street Journal wants us to
kill Qadaffi!

Rogers: that’s very nice

Gregory: how do we get him out?

Rogers: use carrot and stick - offer defectors a choice of a million dollars or a war crimes trial

Gregory: interesting dilemma

Rogers: Obama is using a smart strategy actually

Gregory: I reject that possibility

Rogers: I can tell

Gregory: the Côte d'Ivoire shows Obama is
not a good President

Rogers: silly man

Gregory: Obama admitted that it is not in our interest

Rogers: now you’re just lying

Gregory: so why intervene in Libya?

Rogers: Qadaffi has weapons of mass destruction which could threaten discos around the world

Gregory: should Americans burn Korans or not

Rogers: I would say not

Gregory: that’s a bold statement

Gregory: Fred Hiatt is worried Iran will take over the middle east because Obama is a wimp

Rogers: Iran has no right to meddle in other countries in the middle east

Gregory: of course

Rogers: liberty is on the march

Gregory: who should be the next head of the FBI?

Rogers: someone who understands the new FBI culture - crackin terror skulls!

[ break ]

Gregory: Mike take me behind the political curtain

Murphy: this budget debate is a sideshow - it’s
about 2012

Gregory: Obama is lazy!

Dionne: Democrats have compromised by cutting
a mere $33 billion

Goodwin: people don’t want a shutdown and will blame the side that seems more extreme

Gregory: My hero Paul Ryan will finally deal with entitlements

Morial: fuck him and fuck you too

Murphy: Democrats are demagogues but they will run on raising taxes which could actually work

Gregory: Obama promised to cut imports of oil -
tell me he was lying

Yergin: he wasn’t

Gregory: awww

Gregory: I love oil Dan - can we drill more?

Yergin: yes in North Dakota

Gregory: I meant in an actual state

Yergin: well then California

Gregory: Dan why is oil so expensive?

Yergin: because Yemen has a 1,000 mile border with Saudi Arabia

Goodwin: Americans today are selfish, short-sighted and fucking nuts

Gregory: do we need Hitler to wake us up?

Dionne: we’re already in 3 wars!

Gregory: true

Murphy: Liberals have faith in the power of the sun - it’s a destructive nuclear fireball in the sky!

Gregory: we have an Obama Doctrine!

Obama: Leadership is not being a lone cowboy -
true leadership creates opportunities for others step forward and take some responsibility for collective problems

Gregory: why does Obama hate America as an indispensable nation?

Goodwin: he says we can lead by starting a process and create broad coalitions

Gregory: but the Cote D’Ivoire!!

Morial: Obama actually brilliantly created a large coalition and all Fluffy can do is whine about it

Gregory: Did Obama subvert the Powell Doctrine?

Yergin: I noticed Obama even got France on board

Gregory: yes but unlike Iraq Libya has oil

Murphy: I love gun boat diplomacy

Dionne: Obama is anti-doctrine

Gregory: he is inscrutable

Gregory: ivory coast!

Dionne: just because you can’t save lives everywhere doesn’t mean you should not
act to save lives somewhere

Gregory: unemployment is high

Morial: the worst thing we could do is cut spending which is why Paul Ryan is doing it

Gregory: is Obama winning Ronald Regan’s ‘Morning in America’ argument?

Murphy: Perception matters most

Gregory: It’s all there is

Gregory: Reince Preibus says if you look beyond the numbers Obama is a Kenyan who won’t cut the debt and deficit

Goodwin: I don’t see that as winning argument

Gregory: non-whites are growing!

Murphy: It’s a problem for Republicans who have a wee perception problem with minorities, immigrants, women and sane people

Dionne: who will be the Republican’s Dukakis?

Morial: actually there are many smart Republicans - they’re all waiting to run in 2016

Goodwin: I’m a hopeless dreamer -
I root for progressives and the Red Sox

Gregory: and that’s Meet the Press

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - April 3, 2011

Jim Jones - Fmr. Obama National Security Advisor
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)
Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL)
Amanpour: the middle east is falling into total chaos

Audience: well that’s new

Amanpour: some idiot burned a Koran so people attacked a UN post in Afghanistan

Reporter: 6 US soldiers were killed in a vicious firefight on the Pakistan border

Audience: yikes

Reporter: this is a turning point in the war

Audience: problem solved

Amanpour: this moron pastor in Florida is affecting US foreign policy

Reporter: because of this guy people are shouting ‘Death to President Obama'

Amanpour: that’s odd because I heard Obama was a muslim who will impose sharia law

Reporter: it’s complicated

Amanpour: the rebels got killed by friendly fire

Rebels: Han shot first!

Reporter: Tripoli is very normal today - the rebels are disorganized and Qadaffi out taking in the sights

Reporter: the rebels have no leaders - just a princess, and old man and kid from Tatooine

Audience: and 2 droids

Reporter: that’s not going cut it

Audience: damm

Amanpour: General Jones how is America’s
longest war going?

Jones: it’s all being disrupted by one wackjob
pastor from Florida

Amanpour: when do we win?

Jones: some time next summer or possibly 2014

Amanpour: depending on what?

Jones: on how you define victory

Amanpour: I see

Jones: seriously though - it all really depends on whether Pakistan is willing to go after al-qaeda
which they never have done before

Amanpour: that seems like a problem

Jones: it is

Amanpour: America is also involved in a civil war
in Libya

Jones: the French need our help to prevent illegal Arab immigrants from getting to Cannes

Amanpour: America is out and NATO is in -
but NATO is all-American

Jones: no the US are refueling while the British and French lead the attack

Amanpour: what is the endgame?

Jones: we need Qaddafi to stay because those rebels are untrustworthy

Amanpour: who are the rebels - who are they??

Jones: we know there’s one guy named Fred

Amanpour: ok

Jones: now we need to find out who the rest
of the rebels are

Amanpour: it’s very troubling that we don’t know who they are and what their aspirations are and if they have Facebook likes

Jones: we tried poking Fred

Amanpour: what about our favorite dictator in Yemen?

Jones: it’s very worrisome because he hates al-qaeda like we do

Amanpour: can we keep him in power?

Jones: Sadly those pesky people in Yemen have other ideas

Amanpour: that’s a shame

Jones: all this democracy nonsense is a
vast tectonic shift

[ break ]

Amanpour: The tea party may force John Boehner
to shut the government down

Boehner: we can’t just impose our will [sobs]

Tea Partier: take of the lace panties noodlebat

USAID: the cuts would kill 70,000 kids

Dean: let a shutdow happen and blame the GOP yeeeaaahh

[ break ]

Amanpour: will you guys make a deal?

Sessions: since ignoring the debt under Reagan, Bush I and Bush Jr we have to cut the debt right now!

Schumer: fuck the debt - we need jobs

Session: but the deficit causes recession
oh mah stahrs

Schumer: we should not cut cancer research instead we should cut some of those damm farm subsidies

Sessions: Obama is only adding 100,000 jobs - clearly we need to cut the debt right now

Amanpour: so you say

Sessions: we have to cut $800 billion - did you know we have to borrow all this money?!?

Amanpour: wow was this true when Reagan, Bush and Dubya were President

Sessions: who?

Amanpour: Jeff are the Tea Parties going to
destroy America?

Sess: no they are very mature lunatics

Amanpour: you’re not worried

Sessions: the Democrat debt will cause the shutdown of all social programs in 2 years

Schumer: I feel sorry for the Republicans because the Tea Party are all freaks and crazies

Amanpour: Chuck you called the tea party extreme!

Schumer: you’re damm fucking right I did

Sessions: the Tea Party may not be the fastest cars on blocks but they are fundamentally right about everything

Amanpour: like what

Sessions: Obama really is a black democrat!

Amanpour: thanks for coming guys