Sunday, March 27, 2011

Meet The Press - March 27, 2011

Ricard Engel
Sec, of State Hillary Clinton
Sec. of Defense Bob Gates
Sen. Richard Lugar (R-IN)
Bob Woodward
Ted Koppel
Thomas Ricks
Savannah Guthrie

Gregory: the Libyan rebels are advancing!

Engel: the allied air strikes paved the way for the rebels by destroying Qaddafi’s tanks

Gregory: what will become of our former
ally Qaddafi?

Engel: I foresee a reality show followed by
Dancing With the Stars

[ break ]

Gregory: Obama said it would be days not weeks and yet were are now in the second week - why is
Obama such a failed President?

Gates: we won dude

Gregory: I hear you saying Qaddafi is routing the
rebels and Obama has failed

Clinton: no we prevented a humanitarian disaster

Gregory: will America give weapons to the rebels?

Gates: maybe

Gregory: well are we on their side or not?

Gates: the President is rooting for UConn but he’s
not sending them guns either

Clinton: it’s been 8 days and the Arab League and the African Union and the NFL are all pressuring Qaddafi to get out

Gregory: oh my

Clinton: we’re sending a message to his supporters - get out now or end up in the Hague

Gregory: so Obama hates him but won’t take him out because Obama is a wimp

Gates: his kung-fu is mighty

Gregory: Boehner supports the mission but
has questions

Clinton: the Senate called for a No-Fly Zone -
hell they demanded it

Gregory: darn

Clinton: then the Security Council and Arab League asked for action - and watch al-jazeera -
people love this!

Gregory: I don’t watch other channels

Clinton: what if Qaddafi had massacred people and destabilized Egypt - can you imagine what the GOP would have said then?

Gregory: they would have called him timid
and a wimp

Clinton: they did that even after he attacked

Gregory: no that was me

Clinton: right

Gregory: are we stretched too thin?

Gates: no most of those troops were guarding Berlin

Gregory: ok

Gates: we’re already pulling back from the
quagmire in Libya

Gregory: what if things devolve into utter chaos - won’t you admit Obama is a bad President then?

Gates: I heard you have Obama-derangement Fluffy

Gregory: will you take out Assad in Syria?

Clinton: we would love for it to happen in
a peaceful way

Gregory: why aren’t you giving the dictator of
Saudi Arabia more love and aren’t you hypocrites for giving him love?

Gates: hey they just bought a lot of weapons from America - if that isn’t friendship I don’t know what is

Gregory: there are scary muslims in Egypt!

Clinton: it’s hard to be part of a movement for hope and change and then actually take power

Gregory: heh

Clinton: their future is up to the Egyptians

Gregory: is Libya in the U.S. vital interest?

Gates: no

Gregory: OMG a lot of people by which I mean me would be shocked by that

Clinton: hey America was attacked on 9/11 but other countries joined with us - so no we weren’t attacked by Libya but it was in the vital interest of France and that’s good enough for Obama

Gregory: Geraldine Ferraro died

Clinton: she had grace and grit

[ break ]

Gregory: are we bogged down in a failed military action in Libya?

Lugar: what is the endgame? What is success?

Gregory: good questions

Lugar: those so-called rebels started a civil war - bucha traitors!!

Gregory: you go dick

Lugar: I’m appalled that we started a no-fly zone also that we might pull back from the no-fly zone

Gregory: so you’re saying Obama is a bad President

Lugar: Am I? I’m not sure

Gregory: Obama must be forthright -
don’t you agree??

Lugar: Obama told me he was saving thousands of lives and was then pulling back

Gregory: omg Obama is so bad!

Lugar: I’m confused

Gregory: see what I mean!

Lugar: America’s interest is not at stake and I was told there would be pudding

Gregory: isn’t this all too expensive?

Lugar: exactly the deficit is too high to have an 8 day no-fly zone in Libya - it could cost a billion dollars

Gregory: [ pinky raised ] a billion!

Lugar: They’re hoping Qaddafi will voluntarily leave and it would be just like Obama to get lucky like that which would be terrible

[ break ]

Gregory: Questions and criticism for Obama!

Koppel: why not alleviate suffering in Congo, Sudan, the Ivory Coast or Louisiana?

Guthrie: you have to put this in the context in the Arab Spring but Obama is not using apocalyptic rhetoric which is very confusing to people

Gregory: what if the rebels win? this is terrible!

Ricks: so you say Fluffy

Gregory: the Obama Doctrine is other nations have to enforce the Obama Doctrine

Woodward: but this isn’t a video game

Gregory: ah

Woodward: this is war which means America must kill a lot of people

Gregory: I hear you Bob

Woodward: the region would be fine except for all the damm people

Gregory: we are entering a dark territory

Koppel: the rebels are all probably with al-qaeda

Ricks: Fluffy and Ted are clearly bringing their rational paranoia to this action

Koppel: Arrraggghh!!!

Ricks: we are bombing an Arab nation and
the people there are cheering it which is kind of incredible

Gurthie: it’s a paradox because Obama carefully thought through his policy and then competently implemented it

Gregory: but we are an indispensable nation!

Guthrie: Obama is sending mixed messages because America is supposed to rush in and kick ass without planning or thinking it through

Koppel: Obama is probably responsible for a future terrorist attack on America

Gregory: is Obama getting the big ideas right?

Woodward: Obama needs to kill some foreigners
to be reelected

Gregory: right

Woodward: this is Obama’s 9/11

Gregory: how so?

Woodward: it involves scary arabs muslims

Gregory: what is the GOP position?

Koppel: they are waiting to see what happens before deciding how Obama is a failure

Gregory: Obama is a failure because the
middle east is out of control

Guthrie: the last few months have been crazy

Ricks: the military fears a quagmire but this gunboat diplomacy is very American

Gregory: but what if Obama totally fails?

Woodward: such a good point Fluffy

Woodward: A limited war is like Mitt Romney -
it makes no sense, is inherently contradictory, and it’s hard to find the ‘off switch’

Koppel: Libya is like Somalia therefore it will be a failure and lead to the deaths of 800,000 people
and terror attacks on America

Kucinich: we need peace because we
can’t afford war

Guthrie: the Obama administration is scared of a Kucinich challenge

Gregory: really?

Guthrie: ha no I’m kidding

Ricks: Team Obama will not give in to mission creep

Woodward: our oil comes a muslim arab dictator

Gregory: OMG!!!!!

I hope Reince Preibus will have some answers -
and that’s Meet The Press

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - March 27, 2011

Sec. of State Hillary Gates
Sec. of Defense Bob Gates
Fmr. Sec of Defense Donald Rumsfeld
Tapper: what is happening in Libya?!

Marquadt: the rebels are excited - they kicking
ass with a big NATO assist

Tapper: bitchin’

Marquadt: a woman said she was viciously attacked by the government - they proved her she was a liar by viciously attacking her

Tapper: why not just take out Qaddafi and
install a friendly government?

Gates: Because it might not work

Tapper: how is the no-fly zone going

Clinton: we’re handing the football off to NATO

Tapper: why not attack the Ivory Coast?

Clinton: there is a UN force there

Tapper: true but those blue helmets are weenies

Clinton: Qaddafi promised no mercy - he’s from Cobra Kai

Tapper: when will we know it worked?

Gates: it’s already complete - we won!

Tapper: yay

Gates: we prevented a slaughter which a good thing

Clinton: the U.S. Senate called for a no-fly zone
you know

Tapper: yeah but they’re idiots

Clinton: and we’re handing off power to NATO and that’s a watershed moment in international decision-making

Tapper: Watershed Down!

Clinton: Obama learned lessons from our mistakes in Rwanda and Bosnia - face it the guy is smart

Tapper: how long will we be in Libya

Gates: we will be there for a while due to our
tanking ability

Tapper: home by Christmas?

Gates: um which year?

Tapper: did Qaddafi pose a threat to America?

Gates: no but he posed a threat to the revolution in Tunisia which is very popular on twitter

Clinton: what if Qaddafi had promised to kill thousands of people and then did - all the people complaining now would ask why Obama didn’t intervene in Libya

Tapper: why not go to Congress?

Clinton: they should come to us!

Tapper: no seriously

Clinton: this is different becaue the U.N.
Security Council said it was ok

Tapper: what about Yemen?

Gates: it’s a hotbed of al-qaeda - we’re going to
be sorry to see that adorable dictator go

Tapper: Pakistan?

Clinton: it’s a bit of a dysfunction relationship - they won’t help on al-qaeda but Pakistan did let our CIA killer go so that was nice

Tapper: would America let Qaddafi live in luxurious exile in a rich desert land of retired has-beens and corrupt evil decadent billionaires?

Clinton: Saudi Arabia?

Tapper: Las Vegas

Tapper: speaking of evil has-beens - what would Rumsfeld do?

Tapper: Don should we have attacked Libya?

Rumsfeld: there are too many unknowns both known and unknown

Tapper: Should we take out Qaddafi?

Rumsfeld: Syria is sponsoring terror in Afghanistan

Tapper: I see

Rumsfeld: also the Gulf if important

Tapper: Arabia?

Rumsfeld: Mexico - I’m in Pensacola buddy!

Tapper: what would you have done if you had been in the White House god forbid

Rumsfeld: Obama is now seeing how hard it is to be competent and be in the executive branch

Tapper: like you did

Rumsfeld: darn right

Tapper: so do you support the mission?

Rumsfeld: in 1991 Saddam thought he had defeated America and perception is more important than reality and that emboldens his ilk

Tapper: the Bush Administration sent Qaddafi
a fruit basket!

Rumsfeld: yes but we won in perception because he was scared of Bush

Tapper: well you certainly fucked something up

Rumsfeld: no one could have anticipated that Qaddafi would turn out to be unstable

Tapper: Wolfowitz says we must take out Qaddafi

Rumsfeld: yes we must because America’s prestige is now on the line because he could say this is the mother of all battles even though that’s stupid

Tapper: Shouldn’t you have used NATO
against Iraq?

Rumsfeld: no no no Obama’s coalition is tiny -
we had 90 countries on board against terror

Tapper: so war on terror = Iraq

Rumsfeld: look you bastard the coalition should not determine the mission - you should always plough ahead no matter how stupid an idea is

Tapper: if you say so

Rumsfeld: there’s all kinds of confusion in Obama’s mission in Libya which is bad - there was no confusion at all in Iraq

Tapper: you were wrong about absolutely everything

Rumsfeld: Exactly!


Sunday, March 20, 2011

Meet The Press - March 20, 2011

Admiral Mike Mullen - Chair Joint Chiefs of Staff
Sen. John Kerry - (D-MA)
Sen. Carl Levin - (D-MI)
Sen. Jeff Sessions - (R-AL)
Michael Hayden - Frm Dir. of CIA
Richard Haass - Council on Foreign Relations
Richard Engel - NBC
Jim Miklaszewski - NBC
Andrea Mitchell - NBC
Helene Cooper - NYT
Gregory: wow the allies have launched
Operation Odyssey Dawn!

Audience: isn’t that a Carnival cruise line?

Engel: for a nation with a psychotic leader dealing
with a civil war and under attack Libya is very calm

Gregory: really?

Engel: yes it’s much like Madison Wisconsin

Gregory: doesn’t Libya prove Obama is a
bad President?

Engel: yes the rebels are already disappointed with Obama for not bombing harder or pushing for
a public option

Gregory: what is Qaddafi up to?

Engel: he is going to open up the armory to
anyone who wants a gun

Gregory: so just like Arizona

Gregory: will Qaddafi step down?

Engel: He is inviting anyone who wants to be a human shield to come live with him

Gregory: that does sound tempting

[ break ]

Gregory: Admiral are we at war with Libya?

Mullen: no - we engaging in a process of enforcing
a U.N. resolution with large explosive devices

Gregory: sounds like war to me

Mullen: it’s a focused no-fly zone and as of
today it’s working

Gregory: what happened yesterday?

Mullen: we successfully bombed the airports

Gregory: so are we done - can the troops come home now?

Mullen: no because Qaddafi is still violating international law

Gregory: killing civilians?

Mullen: Fashion crimes

Gregory: will Qaddafi attack America with balsa wood drones filled with mustard gas?

Mullen: General Ham is on the mustard situation

Gregory: what comes next?

Mullen: we will help civilians, then apply sanctions, takes sides in the civil war and finally declare ambiguous victory and go home

Gregory: what if it doesn’t work?

Mullen: but it is working Fluffy

Gregory: but what if it utterly fails?

Mullen: read the U.N. resolution - Qaddafi can stay unless he is voted out by the viewers

Gregory: is this in our vital interests?

Mullen: it’s vital that we provide naval support for the French efforts to prevent Libyan refugees from getting to Marseilles

Gregory: why go after Qaddafi but support the monarchy
in Bahrain?

Mullen: it’s true the Bahrain leader is a brutal killer but we have a lovely naval base there

Gregory: Didn’t Obama act too late?

Mullen: hey we got a UN resolution through
in record time

Gregory: how long will all this go on?

Mullen: I have no earthly idea

Gregory: what if Qaddafi flees the nation?

Mullen: the next government would be up to us and maybe the people of Libya

Gregory: just how many damm wars in the Middle East are we going to fight?

Mullen: Day One of this new war is going great -
we're going to get it right this time!

Gregory: is the U.S. going to take a back seat
in this war?

Mullen: yes thank god

Gregory: thanks for coming epaulets-man

[ break ]

Gregory: Senator Kerry did we really need
another war?

Kerry: this isn’t war - it’s more like a heavily
armed rescue squad

Levin: the air must be cleared of any threats including fighter jets, killer bees and angry birds

Gregory: I’m tweeting that

Levin: Obama used extreme caution and care before making a half-hearted non-decision

Gregory: how uncharacteristic of him

Sessions: this proves that John McCain was right

Gregory: can we really police the whole world?

Kerry: it’s not a police action - it’s people in uniform protecting civilians through enforcement of the law

Gregory: I see

Kerry: people were being slaughtered!

Gregory: what about the people being killed in Bahrain?

Kerry: in Bahrain the mischief has been managed

Levin: Hey Fluffy even the Arab world thinks
Qaddafi is crazy

Gregory: he’s politician what are you gonna do

Kerry: the Arab League and the Gulf states turned to us for help getting rid of a Middle East dictator - when the hell does that ever happen?!

Gregory: should Obama have consulted with Congress?

Sessions: I’m a Republican and even I don’t trust the fuckers on Capitol Hill

Gregory: hey I almost forgot there is a nuclear emergency in Japan

Levin: nuclear power isn’t all bad

Kerry: he’s right - after all a nuclear explosion
will kill thousands of people but we’ll all be killed by climate change

Gregory: how comforting

Gregory: Senator Sessions - isn’t Obama a
bad President?

Sessions: yes he is - we need to start drilling here in America for good old red white and blue oil

[ break ]

Gregory: Obama is dealing with a lot of shit!

Mitchell: Questions are being raised

Gregory: what do you mean?

Mitchell: indeed people are saying

Gregory: it’s too little too late!

Haas: it’s too much too early!

Gregory: we agree!

Cooper: Obama and the Pentagon both don’t want
to be involved in Libya

Gregory: so of course we are

Miklaszewski: we’re in some deep shit

Hayden: we just took sides in a civil war

Mitchell: obviously Qaddafi has to go now

Gregory: cool

Mitchell: what kind of vacuum have we created?

Gregory: Dyson ball?

Miklaszewski: Dirt devil

Haass: I don’t mean to sound callous but civilians are massacred all the time - who the hell cares

Gregory: Hillary Clinton got Obama to attack Libya

Cooper: the old Clinton hands are trying to make up for not doing anything in Rwanda

Gregory: oh my

Cooper: the girls beat up the guys

Gregory: ha

Cooper: and then the Arab League got on board which was a bit of surprise

Mitchell: it was an amazing resolution passed through the Security Council

Gregory: what if a civil war breaks out in Libya

Haass: it has

Gregory: woot

Haass: I hope the Obama administration has a good feel for all the tribal politics of Libya

Gregory: oh I’m sure they do

Gregory: will we be greeted as liberators in Tripoli?

Miklaszewski: today the U.S. is attacking troops loyal to Qaddafi

Hayden: the French are afraid a bunch of Libyans will be sleeping on the streets of Paris

Cooper: it’s so inconsistent because we support democracy in Egypt but not in Washington D.C.

Haass: John Quincy Adams warned John McCain against doing stuff like this

Mitchell: Obama believes in coalitions and
he created one

Gregory: cool

Gregory: Obama was passive in Japan and is partying in Brazil

Miklaszewski: you think Obama is passive?

Gregory: and timid!

Miklaszewski: um Fluffy there are bombs being dropped on North Africa right now

Gregory: sure but he hasn’t nuked Japan

Miklaszewski: no comment

Gregory: and that’s Meet The Press

This Week - March 20, 2011

March 20, 2011
Saif Qaddafi
Admiral Mike Mullen - Chair Joint Chiefs of Staff
Ali Aujali - Fmr Libya Ambassador to U.S.
Gerard Araud - French Amb. to the U.N.
Alex Marquadt - ABC
Martha Raddatz - ABC
Jake Tapper - ABC
Amanpour: wow a whole new Middle East war -
the old one was eight years old and we really
needed a new one of those!

Audience: yay

Amanpour: French, British and U.S. troops
are firing on Tripoli

Audience: Freedom fries!

Qaddafi: I am full of win

Saif: so I’m sitting in my house Saturday watching my TiVo of American Idol and then there are bombs falling all around - I mean what the fuck??

Amanpour: Obama sternly warned you

Saif: who pays attention ? I was watching Fringe - that show rocks

Amanpour: will Qaddafi quit?

Saif: now way - the rebels are all terrorists

Amanpour: will you starting bombing airlines again?

Saif: that’s uncalled for Christiane

Amanpour: what will you do now?

Saif: we urge America to start bombing the rebels

Amanpour: ok

Marquadt: the rebels are totally excited - Obama is using his Jedi mind tricks, the French smuggled in plans to the death star, and they are working with some adorable British Ewoks

Amanpour: what is the goal of these attacks?

Tapper: officially it’s to protect civilians - unofficially it’s to fuck with Qaddafi

Amanpour: who is running the show?

Tapper: the U.S. is not taking a lead role -
we just have 11 ships parked outside Tripoli

Amanpour: will the U.S. arm the rebels?

Tapper: we sent them two droids - that’s not enough?

Amanpour: How can America not run a war?

Raddatz: that is unusual - however an American named General Ham is in charge

Amanpour: Is that kosher?

Raddatz: British and French ace pilots are shooting at anything that moves

Amanpour: it’s like a gay bitchy Top Gun

Tapper: that’s redundant

Amanpour: Is the U.S. in charge or not?

Mullen: Ham is on top, followed by French

Amanpour: and the British?

Mullen: Col. Mustard will lead

Amanpour: this has all the ingredients of a successful operation

Amanpour: Does Qaddafi have to go

Mullen: the mission is very clear - it’s to
support the no-fly zone

Amanpour: so the mission is support
the war mission?

Mullen: right

Amanpour: it could last 12 years like in Iraq

Mullen: with any luck

Amanpour: why not protect civilians in other dangerous places like Bahrain, Yemen and Detroit?

Mullen: that’s different - the vicious dictator in Bahrain is a good friend of ours

Amanpour: Can Qaddafi attack America?

Mullen: We’ve taken out the air defenses, cut the supply lines, and blocked Qaddafi’s access to his Facebook page

Amanpour: holy shit

Amanpour: what if he uses mustard gas?

Mullen: a French squad from Dijon will handle it

Amanpour: you know Qaddafi well - what is he
really like?

Aujali: he’s crazy and will never ever stop fighting

Amanpour: so what happens next?

Aujali: the rebels must get on the road to Tripoli but they need exact change for all the tolls

Araud: zees man talks of zee reevers of blood -
ees desgusting

Amanpour: what do you think the mission
should be?

Aujali: if you want to protect civilians then you have to kill Qaddafi

Araud: ‘ee must go - ees ze madman!

Amanpour: will Libyans turn on Qaddafi?

Aujali: he’s locked himself in his compound with trapped followers - he’s like an incoherent Jim Jones

Amanpour: that sounds promising -
everyone thanks for coming

Sunday, March 13, 2011

March 13, 2011
Host: Chuck Todd
Lester Holt
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)
Gov. Mitch Daniels (R-IN)
Marvin Fertel - President Nuclear Energy Institute
Ichiro Fujisaki - Ambassador to the U.S. from Japan

Todd: wow in Japan thousands are dead and a nuclear reactor may be in meltdown

Lester Holt: we’re dealing with an earthquake, tsunami, recovery, rescue and radioactivity

Audience: holy crap

Holt: people are instructed to block out the radiation by putting a wet cloth over their mouths

Audience: problem solved then

Todd: this is the worst crisis since that unpleasantness from 1940-1945

Fujisaki: that’s right

Todd: I hear rescue efforts are hard

Fujisaki: we’re in full mobilization

Todd: what can the US do?

Fujisaki: you’re already sent Ronald Reagan
and that’s enough

Todd: is the plant really in meltdown?

Fujisaki: oh no not at all - we’re pouring sea water
to give it a good cleaning

Todd: is that a desperation move?

Fujisaki: one fuel rod may be getting a little hot

Todd: just one?

Fujisaki: who can say - that thing is really fucking hot

Todd: it sounds dangerous

Fujisaki: well we’re evacuating everyone we can

[ break ]

Todd: Marvin you represent the nuclear industry -
do you guys plan on killing us all?

Fertel: yeah we're sorry about all this Japan

Todd: so what went wrong?

Fertel: our working theory right now is that some really bad shit happened

Todd: Is the plant in meltdown?

Fertel: well Three Mile Island had a meltdown and everything went just fine

Todd: it was one hour away from making rural Pennsylvania completely uninhabitable

Fertel: so nothing different then

Todd: Could a meltdown happen in the U.S.?

Fertel: yes but nuclear plants in the US are
perfectly safe

Todd: is the plant in Japan totally screwed?

Fertel: if necessary we stand ready to send help an army of lobbyists and experts in public relations

Todd: truly your charitable efforts know no ends

[ break ]

Todd: Senator you were a big fan of nuclear power

Schumer: we need nuclear power - look at disaster
in Libya!

Todd: Congress passed a 3-week budget

Schumer: we reached that major breakthrough
when we left abortion out of the budget

Todd: your pal Claire McCaskill says we need massive spending cuts

Schumer: true but the GOP wants to cut cancer research for god’s sake

Todd: will you make cuts

Schumer: we’re willing to cut but we need to spend to grow the economy

Todd: are we just going to keeping running the government 3 weeks at a time?

Schumer: did you know the GOP wants to cut tsunami warnings?

Todd: well when do those ever happen

Schumer: good point

Todd: Is Obama involved enough in the process

Schumer: hell yeah - you know it’s Congress’ job to pass a budget

Todd: do you support a no-fly zone over Libya?

Schumer: let all the world’s major powers get on board -- including the U.S., the European Union,
the Arab League, NATO and Steve Jobs

Todd: Should Obama get input from Congress before intervening in the Libyan war?

Schumer: the idiots who can’t even fund the government for 30 days - no

[ break ]

Todd: Mitch when you were America’s budget director you warned against playing games with government shutdown

Daniels: true

Todd: so are Republicans in D.C. wrong?

Daniels: yes but in their defense they’re morons

Todd: what would you do?

Daniels: the entire American Republic is threatened and they are arguing over nickels and dimes

Todd: you said the debt ceiling was a
housekeeping matter

Daniels: that was before Obama was President - now it’s appropriate to use the debt ceiling for blackmail

Todd: you never even paid for 2 wars or massive prescription drug coverage

Daniels: if we had paid for those things it would have hurt the economy

Todd: how is it conservative to buy a big luxury item and never pay for it?

Daniels: Obama!

Todd: You paid down Indiana’s debt and promptly lost thousands of jobs

Daniels: that was Obama’s fault

Todd: maybe so Mitch but you’re not getting results

Daniels: the role of government is give concessions to businesses and hope for the best

Todd: you implied Gov. Walker misled voters on union busting

Daniels: I’ve met him and he is a serious dipshit

Todd: I've noticed that

Todd: do you support collective bargaining?

Daniels: yes but not for government employees

Todd: you called for truce on god guns and gays

Santorum: the purpose of American is to compare gays to bestiality

Daniels: there’s another brainless weasel

Todd: good call on that one Mitch

Daniels: I mean what’s wrong with a little freedom and liberty?

Todd: Did you lie when said you would never run for another office?

Daniels: no but gosh darn it people keep pushing me to run for President and save America

Todd: you said the GOP field sucks

Daniels: who else has my combination of name recognition and charisma?

Todd: who indeed

Todd: what about Sen. Lugar - will you do whatever he asks you to do?

Daniels: I never say no to dick

[ break ]

Balz: Mitch Daniels is a budget plan in search of
a human host

Todd: Team Obama believes you gotta get in the Presidential race early especially if your middle name is Hussein

Norris: that’s right - they laid the groundwork in the summer of 2007

Todd: Gingrich explained to a Christian tv network that he betrayed his marriage vows because he loves America too much

Balz: best interview since Charlie Sheen

Todd: future President Michelle Bachman thinks the American Revolution started in New Hampshire

Norris: the tea party loves her because she is not some snooty egghead

Todd: what about Mr. Fabulous

Balz: Mitt Romney is slick but untrustworthy

Todd: why should NPR get tax money when you clearly hate racists who after all are Americans too

Norris: because without NPR people millions
of Americans would have not have access to real news at all

Todd: but most people get MSNBC, Fox news and CNN for free

Norris: that’s my point Chuckles

Todd: David Broder was on Meet The Press 401 times

Audience: holy crap

Broder: Ross is it possible for you to give me a straight answer

Perot: hey old man I would have brought my
pie charts if you had given me your questions in advance

Broder: do you know what percentage of people don’t have health insurance?

George H.W. Bush: I have no idea - everyone I know does

Broder: really they all do?

Bush: well no some of them just write a check

Broder: Barbara Bush never forgave me for asking Poppy a question about the unwashed masses

Todd: and that’s Meet the Press

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - March 13, 2011

March 13, 2011
Jaker Tapper
Martha Raddatz
Joseph Cirincione - President Ploughshares Fund

Amanpour: I’m in Tokyo as Japan deals with earthquakes, tsunami, floods, explosions and
oh yeah a nuclear meltdown

Audience: yikes

Amanpour: there could be 10,000 people dead in Sendai and the country needed those nuclear
plants for electricity

Audience: cripes

Amanpour: the trains are running again in Japan 3 days later

Republicans: Commies

Amanpour: the coastline areas have been devastated and rescue workers are returning from New Zealand to look for survivors

Audience: oh my

Amanpour: the government said the radiation
leak is safe

Audience: well okay then

Amanpour: the Germans have brought their own personal Geiger counters

Audience: there’s no app for that?

Amanpour: the government says there could another earthquake and of course a tsunami

Muir: there is no water in this devastated town
but there is a 7-11 open

Audience: those hot dogs can survive anything

Kaku: all the backup plans to stop a nuclear meltdown failed so now they’re pumping seawater directly into the core and 200,000 people are
being evacuated

Audience: holy crap it’s like a michael bay movie

Expert: Japan is now dealing with 5 nuclear emergencies

Woodruff: Three Mile Island and Chernobyl got people thinking maybe nuclear power is not all that safe

Amanpour: Is America going to be threatened by a giant Japanese radioactive cloud?

Tapper: no but you can never be too paranoid Christiane

Amanpour: is there something the government
isn’t telling us?

Raddatz: Japanese officials may have spotted Mothra off the coast

Amanpour: how could all the backup systems fail?

Cirincione: well they lost power so now the pumps are running on AA batteries

Audience: oh ok

Amanpour: could this disaster happen here?

Tapper: yes but if it did America would turn to
Japan for help

Audience: gulp

Amanpour: could this affect our need to build nuclear power plants here?

Raddatz: um yeah I think so

Sunday, March 06, 2011

Meet The Press - March 6, 2011

Bill Daley - White House Chief of Staff
Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-WI)
David Brooks
Eugene Robinson

Gregory: Unemployment is under 9%
but the gas is still too damm high!

Audience: hells yeah!

Gregory: We have Chief of Staff Bill Daley who
brings his JP Morgan savvy and familial birthright wisdom to our show

Daley: thanks Fluffy

Gregory: gas is expensive - what the fuck!

Daley: that is true

Gregory: there is a glut of oil

Daley: do you know what glut means

Gregory: no

Daley: the average American is feeling it

Gregory: it’s on!

Daley: Obama has a solution to our energy
crisis in two words

Gregory: wow - what are they?

Daley: tiger blood

Gregory: can we arrest the Spike?

Daley: I don’t think you can arrest a network for showing repeatedly airing Star Wars:
The Phantom Menace

Gregory: well that is a shame

Gregory: Can we rid of Ghadaffi?

Daley: Obama was very aggressive -
he’s a fucking POTUS on ‘roids!

Gregory: but Muammar still there

Daley: we’re working with the international
community to stop him

Gregory: it sounds like the administration is divided
- Gates doesn’t want to attack Libya and
neither does Obama

Daley: so not divided at all then

Gregory: well you put it that way

Daley: do you even speak English bubble boy?

Gregory: what?

Daley: English motherfucker do you speak it?

Gregory: it still seems opaque to me

Daley: get a load of the big brain on Fluffy!

Gregory: Does the President understand the
Middle East as well I do?

Daley: Obama has more original thoughts before breakfast than you do all damm day

Gregory: when you talk to John McCain all the time you start to feel brilliant by comparison

Daley: Look Obama just wants a democratic regime not supported by armed crazy people

Gregory: why does Obama hate Arizona?

Daley: chortle

Gregory: so we’re still killing innocent civilians
in Afghanistan

Daley: we all feel very about that

Gregory: it sound like a bit of problem

Daley: no one feels worse that the people
doing the killing and also to a lesser extent the people being killed

Gregory: the American people were polled and they care about unemployment not the debt

Daley: right so Obama is focused on cutting spending and the deficit

Gregory: you’re going to shut the government down because both sides use fuzzy math

Daley: not true

Gregory: that is true and you know it

Daley: we have a solution to our impasse with Congress

Gregory: what’s that

Daley: send Joe Biden to Capitol Hill until
they give in

Gregory: Is Boehner helpless in the face of tea party demands

Daley: clearly he is weak and stupid

Gregory: I will be speaking to Michelle Bachmann later

Daley: oh that should be loads of fun

Gregory: Boehner is determined to cut Social Security so will Obama please cut it please

Daley: I heard your were a Social Security-cut-demanding-moron

Gregory: You’re all demagogues and refuse to cut Social Security like I want

Daley: you’re a silly person

Gregory: and you’re a crook worked for JP Morgan

Daley: touché

Gregory: Hollywood thinks maybe one white collar criminal should have gone to jail in the biggest
fraud of all time

Daley: that may very well be but
let’s not rush it

Gregory: you make a good deal of sense privileged bald white man

Daley: Obama fought the crooks and got the financial reform law enacted

Gregory: How do you know?

Daley: I was one of them Greggers!

Gregory: Is Obama moving to the center to get re-elected?

Daley: Obama didn’t want to take over the auto industry but as usual the gifted black man had to clean up the white man’s mess

Gregory: is this a center-left country?

Daley: It’s truly a land of opportunity where the son of a famous mayor can grow up to work on Wall Street and pontificate on whether the son of Governor can grow up to be President

Gregory: Let’s continue my endlessly silly obsession with Ambassador Huntsman

Daley: Idiot

Gregory: speaking of Mr. Fabulous

Daley: who?

Gregory: Mitt Romeny

Daley: LOL

Gregory: what number should unemployment be
for Obama to be re-elected?

Daley: jesus I thought I was a shallow person
until I met you

Gregory: thanks

[ break ]

Gregory: Welcome Michelle Bachmann - will there be a government shutdown

Bachmann: Obama hid 100 billion in the
Obamacare law!!

Gregory: where was it hidden?

Bachmann: in the law!

Gregory: the one Congress read and passed?

Bachmann: Exactly!

Gregory: Didn’t Obama make a big concession
on letting the states opt-out of elements of the
health care reform law?

Bachmann: that proves he’s a Fasicst-Marxist-Socialist!

Gregory: I see

Bachmann: It’s a crime against democracy!

Gregory: ok ok - so will shut the government down?

Bachmann: Nancy Pelosi stole $100 billion - you can’t slip that in secretly in legislation that Congress never reads but enacts

Gregory: about the upcoming budget-

Bachmann: Members of Congress didn’t read the bill until we enacted it - I want that money back!!

Gregory: thanks for sharing that bit of insanity

Bachmann: Thieves! Socialists! Commies!

Gregory: has John Boehner betrayed the Tea Party?

Bachmann: Obama stole $100 billion!

Gregory: so are literally insane or how does it work?

Bachmann: Obama deceptively stole $100 billion!

Gregory: um, Betsy are her doctors in the
green room?

Producer: they ran away David

Gregory: jesus christ

Bachmann: $100 billion $100 billion $100 billion

Gregory: will the Tea Party destroy the GOP?

Bachmann: Democrats are terrified of the tea party because we’re not Republicans

Gregory: ok

Bachmann: we just want all the branches of government to service white weirdos

Gregory: right

Bachmann: America is doomed!

Gregory: why is that?

Bachmann: America is in grave danger because of the debt that Reagan, Bush I, and Bush II did not build up at all

Gregory: What about Obama’s foreign policy?

Bachmann: he’s weak because we haven’t
attacked Libya

Gregory: so you want to invade Libya

Bachmann: no Obama is irresponsible for even considering that

Gregory: Do you think a lunatic like you can be elected President

Bachmann: Look at lack of job creation and out
of control spending

Gregory: you’re running against George W. Bush?

Bachmann: Obama doesn’t have true
American values

Gregory: you call him a gangster government

Bachmann: absolutely

Gregory: is he anti-American?

Bachmann: well he’s got a real funny name

Gregory: thanks for sharing your inane rantings Congresswoman

Bachmann: arble warble woooooo

[ break ]

Gregory: Polls show that people still believe in
big government

Brooks: this proves that people want small government

Gregory: How can you can I explain to the American people that we must cut Social Security

Brooks: we must use pie charts and sternly lecture the American people

Gregory: but Obama won’t Social Security!

Brooks: yes but he looks weak because he refuses to cut Social Security

Robinson: I can’t help notice the poll you used cited concerns about job creation and government and not cuts and the debt

Gregory: that’s so sad

Brooks: we need to transfer money from the
old to the young

Gregory: we’re in an opaque zone with Ghadaffi

Robinson: do we want American boots on the ground?

Gregory: maybe just the boots without any soldiers in them

Brooks: good idea

Gregory: we’re hypocrites with regard to Sunni dictatorships!

Brooks: we need to attack every dictator in the middle east

Gregory: really?

Brooks: we must remove Ghadaffi

Robinson: you think the Saudis would like that?

Brooks: We should at least talk tough even if we don’t actually do anything

Gregory: David do you have any criticisms of Obama?

Brooks: he talks tough but doesn’t actually do anything

Gregory: Obama beats unnamed GOP candidate
in 2012!

Brooks: Mitch Daniels is my dream candidate

Robinson: dear god

Brooks: also Chris Christie

Robinson: *snort*

Gregory: so which GOP candidate do you like Eugene?

Robinson: um no one

Gregory: is Romneycare an albatross?

Romney: no no no my version of Obamacare was a state mandatory health care plan so it was totally different - I would never impose my good ideas on other American people

Brooks: ok that’s just stupid

Gregory: can he talk about jobs instead?

Brooks: no because the cost of health care will still be an issue in 11 months

Gregory: how can Obama possibly hope to defeat Michelle Bachmann?

Robinson: he has to say when you have a coherent thought I’d love to hear it

Gregory: that just might work