Sunday, February 27, 2011

Meet The Press - February 27, 2011

Gov. Scott Walker - (R-WI)
Sen. John McCain - (R-AZ)
Gov. Haley Barbour - (R-MS)
Rep. Emanuel Cleaver - (D-MO)
Richard Trumka - President AFL-CIO
Lawrence O’Donnell - MSNBC
Kim Strassel - Wall Street Journal
Gregory: Wow Scott Walker had to break unions to
balance the budget!

Walker: damm right I did Fluffy

Gregory: I heard the unions are willing to give
you what you want to balance the budget

Walker: sure but then they objected to their
not existing and I can’t have that

Gregory: so why not take yes for an answer?

Walker: yes but there are a thousand towns across the state and there are unions hiding everywhere

Gregory: really

Walker: right - so we must crush collective bargaining which will take money from our grandchildren

Gregory: what exactly is wrong with
collective bargaining?

Walker: because Barack Obama is bad guy

Gregory: I see

Walker: I tried a 35 hour work week and the
unions said no which meant I had to lay off thousands of people

Gregory: but cops and firefighters are exempt

Walker: look I can’t cross the cops -
did you know they carry guns!?

Gregory: so austerity for everyone but unions who endorsed you

Walker: we can’t afford to piss these unions off -
they do important jobs

Gregory: teachers aren’t important?

Walker: right

Gregory: are you trying to change the course
of history?

Walker: yes

Gregory: so why exempt unions who
supported you?

Walker: I’m trying to change the course of
the history of the Democratic party into
not existing anymore

Gregory: I see

Walker: I make no apologies for standing on principle against unions that don’t endorse me

Gregory: right

Walker: we need to tell the truth - endorse me
or you hate grandchildren

Gregory: are you an ideologue?

Walker: Wisconsin is open for business -
people are ordering pizzas from here from
all over America!

Gregory: how does this end?

Walker: hopefully we crush the basis for financial support for
the Democratic party

Gregory: you said you considered planting troublemakers in the liberal crowd

Walker: yes but I will not allow outsiders to cause violence whether its liberals or me

Gregory: I want to talk about what comes next for the insane leader surrounded by on all sides by hostile forces

Walker: I’m holding up well David

Gregory: I was talking about Gaddafi

Walker: oh right

McCain: We need to enforce a no-fly zone
over Libya!

Gregory: wow

McCain: also we should get tough and demand war crimes trials for anyone who uses violence against people in the middle east

Bush [drunk, at home]: whoa hold on there cowboy

Gregory: Senator McCain is there any chance for a functioning democracy in that far off desert land

McCain: I have high hopes someday we can have basic human rights in Arizona

Gregory: I was talking about Egypt

McCain: People hate dictators - I tried to tell that to George Bush but he wouldn’t listen

Gregory: so where does it end?

McCain: we should stand up for democracy in Iran and if it goes well there we then can try it here

Gregory: Secretary Gates says invading Iraq was completely insane

McCain: yes but we were attacked on 9/11 by Afghanistan and other continents too

Gregory: so your are concerned about being in continents?

McCain: you have no idea Fluffy

Gregory: did the Pentagon try psych ops on you?

McCain: I’ve gone up against the Viet Cong so those tricks won’t work on me

Gregory: but they tried it on many U.S. leaders - doesn’t that concern you?

McCain: look the CIA tried mind control on Sarah Palin but found they had nothing to work with

Gregory: I see

[ break ]

Gregory: Gov. Walker in Wisconsin says to save America we must destroy unions

Trumka: Unions are underpaid, the pension is funded, the unions took his cuts and now he’s threatening layoffs

Gregory: Unions use political clout to elect officials who turn around and give you benefits

Trumka: no that’s the Koch brothers

Gregory: is this about union busting?

Barbour: America is totally broke and it’s time for the hard truth that we must cut taxes for the rich and end collective bargaining for unions

Gregory: the unions already accepted the cuts

Barbour: collective bargaining is not a right golddarnut

O’Donnell: apparently Scott Walker considered sending in troublemakers to make the protestors look bad

Gregory: speaking of that isn’t it terrible to compare Walker to Hitler

Cleaver: when the lion lies down with the lamb the lamb gets eated

Gregory: Obama has created a difficult situation
in Wisconsin

Strassel: Heroes like Walker and Christie have said we must crush unions and the middle class love them for it

Gregory: Obama isn’t doing enough!

O’Donnell: this isn’t about Obama

Gregory: Howard Fineman says the GOP wants
to crush public unions because they support Democrats

Barbour: you have got to destroy unions and every American knows it

Cleaver: the public employees are willing to give concessions and the Gov. Walker said no

Gregory: but the unions compared him to Hitler so he had to take away their rights

O’Donnell: if crushing unions is so popular why not put it to a vote?

Barbour: the people of Wisconsin want to destroy unions - just look at Indiana

Gregory: I see

Barbour: the real victim here is Sarah Palin

Gregory: of course

Cleaver: we should not cut the debt by cutting funds for the poorest Americans

Gregory: interesting thought

Cleaver: Bernanke and Goldman Sachs think too many cuts could hurt the economic recovery

Gregory: but those are all socialists

O’Donnell: we’re talking cuts about in spending only after slashing taxes for the richest

Gregory: does freedom in the middle east imperil the economy

Strassel: Democracy is a tax on our fragile economy

Gregory: oh my god

Strassel: also premature recovery could lead to inflation

Barbour: if we drilled in America more gas
would be free

Gregory: John Thune isn’t running for President which sad because he’s so handsome

Audience: awwww

Gregory: Barbour are your running for President

Barbour: hayyell yayyuss

Trumka: oh please I hope this jackass runs

Gregory: Romney would be electable but he has a problem - he may not be insane enough to win a Republican primary

O’Donnell: yes but that’s true for every GOP candidate not currently in an institution

Strassel: Fiscal responsibility is suddenly a
really big thing

Gregory: that’s a GOP issue since this year

Cleaver: people are going to wake up and realize the GOP is all crazy

Gregory: Awesome and that’s Meet The Press

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - February 27, 2011

Saif Gadhafi
Saadi Gadhafi
Reza Aslan
Robert Kagan
Jake Tapper
Amanpour: Hi I’m in Libya - Who could write the crazy rants and ravings of Muammar Gadhafi - except Charlie Sheen, of course

Sheen: magic poet Vatican assassin bitch!

Amanpour: I’m on a flight from London to Libya - surprisingly uncrowded

Amanpour: in fact there a thousands of people at the airport - the place is littered with garbage and strewn with starving stranded passengers desperate to get out

Audience: so it’s like Newark airport at Thanksgiving

Amanpour: anti-government protestors are firing guns in the air and are openly mocking Gadhafi

Amanpour: I spoke with Gadhafi’s son Saif -
Obama says Moammur should quit

Saif: We’re holed up in Tripoli and we’re loving it

Amanpour: you say you’re not using violence but why are so many people are being killed

Saif: oh that never happened

Amanpour: why is everybody fleeing the regime
like rats off a ship

Saif: because the ship is sinking

Amanpour: I see

Saif: my enemies are losing - you can’t understand process it because I have magic and poetry in
my fingertips

Amanpour: maybe you should have reformed Libya before the rebellion

Saif: gee I wish I had fucking thought of that Christiane

Amanpour: you were supposed to be a reformer

Saif: the same assholes who stopped me from reforming and now fleeing Libya - fuck those
fickle traitors

Amanpour: you seem somewhat out of touch
with reality

Saif: I’m a Vatican ninja assassin

Amanpour: what about freezing your Swiss bank accounts

Saif: there’s not such things - we’re surrounded
by fools and trolls

[ break ]

Amanpour: will Libya sanctions affect you?

Saadi: I can’t travel - it sucks!

Amanpour: so what will you do now?

Saadi: I need a good lawyer - Dershowitz won’t return my calls!

Amanpour; why are you so upset?

Saadi: I just want a normal life

Amanpour: Other people in Libya want a normal
life too

Saadi: those selfish bastards

Amanpour: what is going on the Middle East?

Saadi: it’s total chaos everywhere

Amanpour: what about freedom?

Saadi: the little people can’t handle freedom

Amanpour: what about your Dad?

Saadi: he’s totally fucked

Amanpour: you lived in Europe where people
have freedom

Saadi: no they have health care so it’s really socialism or really enslavement

Amanpour: is it hard being Gaddafi’s son?

Saadi: the man is a deranged lunatic but he never forgets a birthday

[ break ]

Bowen: the rebels are taking over the country

Amanpour: can they take over Tripoli?

Bowen: oh no they’re just localized rebels -
like on Tatooine

Amanpour: Jake is revolution in the Middle East bad for America?

Tapper: well you could argue democracy is a good thing - on the other hand the price of oil might go
up a penny

Amanpour: well fuck it then

Tapper: also there are some very cooperative dictators around here

Kagan: we’re paying the price now for being too cozy with dictators

Amanpour: maybe but some of them are so nice

Kagan: if we claim democracy and human rights
are universal values then why not for muslims and arabs too?

Amanpour: who are these wacky young Arabs -
do they love America?

Aslan: they’re all virtual and transcend time and space - they live on Facebook and realize they don’t have to support these old dictators

Amanpour: Is Iran the real winner with all these revolutions?

Kagan: why should this movement bypass Iran? That regime is on borrowed time!

Amanpour: What about our good friends in Saudi Arabia?

Tapper: the White House is telling our remaining friends to get out of ahead of reform or they’re going to end of dangling from a lamppost

Aslan: the kids in Iran started a revolution in 2009 and now it’s going to come full circle

Amanpour: ok forget Iran - is this good for al-qaeda?

Kagan: the kids demanding democracy and freedom don’t like the message of hate coming from al-qaeda which is why we need to send troops to Tripoli

Amanpour: thanks

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Meet The Press - February 20, 2011

Dr. Susan Rice - Amb. to the U.N.
Sen. dick Durbin - (D-IL)
Sen. Lindsey Graham - (R-SC)
Jennifer Granholm
Harold Ford
Ed Gillespie
Rick Santelli

Gregory: What’s happening in the Middle east?

Rice: we will stand up for freedom of speech, freedom of expression and freedom of protest whether in strong allies of America like Bahrain
or states like Wisconsin

Gregory: I heard Khadaffi killing people -
how dangerous is Libya?

Rice: It’s extremely dangerous

Gregory: how much

Rice: Protesters are at almost as a great risk as a cast member of Spider-Man

Gregory: my god - what about Bahrain?

Rice: we’ve been very clear in demanding that they please stop crushing democracy

Gregory: can the government survive?

Rice: sure - Obama will probably even be reelected

Gregory: how much democracy are we willing
to tolerate?

Rice: why not have representative government and human rights?

Gregory: but people are confused - you say don’t support abuse of human rights and yet you
come on my show

Rice: good point

Gregory: Doesn’t the U.S. get to determine what happens in every country in the Middle East

Rice: no it doesn’t

Gregory: oh - so sad

Gregory: the U.S. chose to make Mubarak leave Egypt without imposing a new friendly government - wasn’t that a mistake?

Rice: you have some funny ideas Fluffy

Gregory: what if dangerous scary religious
fanatics take over?

Rice: I’m not prepared to talk about the 2012
GOP primary

Gregory: aren’t you terrified of Muslims?

Rice: No I’m not Fluffy

Gregory: Didn’t you anger scary arabs by not condemning Israel at the U.N.?

Rice: I don’t care - we’re trying to make peace Greggers

[ break ]

Gregory: Lindsay isn’t Obama terrible and inconsistent on Middle East democracy?

Graham: no actually - but he’s too timid on Iran

Gregory: will there be a government shutdown?

Durbin: we can’t allow that to happen - our troops could run out of bullets

Graham: after years of lean spending from 1980-2008 Obama suddenly increased the federal budget 80%

Gregory: is there any room for compromise?

Durbin: we already cut $40 billion

Gregory: no you didn’t cut anything - you just spent less money than before

Durbin: balancing the budget is the last thing you want to do in a recession

Gregory: what about ending collective bargaining for state workers?

Graham: Obama is biggest spender since
World War II!

Gregory: wow

Graham: it is inappropriate for a federal official to weigh in on whether the Wisconsin policy is right

Durbin: the governor is trying to destroy unions

Graham: there was referendum held in Wisconsin to end collective bargaining and it was approved

Durbin: no there wasn’t

Graham: But if there had been I wouldn’t be lying

Graham: it was wrong for Obama to express a position on Wisconsin because the governor there is right and we must all support him

Durbin: you’re from South Carolina - how is it
your business?

Gregory: Bowles and Simpson says we should cut social security OMG I knew it!

Durbin: members of the debt commission are meeting in a local Washington DC Starbucks trying to find a way to cut Medicaid

Gregory: why won’t your cut entitlements!?!?!
[ starts sobbbing ]

Durbin: well--

Gregory: hold on - I want to challenge Graham on whether Obama is a terrible President for not cutting Medicare

Graham: We must be courageous and raise the retirement age to 70

Durbin: Social Security has no impact on the deficit

Gregory: [ hands over ears ]
lalalalala I can’t hear you

Graham: let’s be like Saint Reagan and Saint Tip O’Neill and make old people work it’s very disappointing we’re not doing this

[ break ]

Gregory: Is Wisconsin the Tunisia of labor rights?

Granholm: public employees accepted cuts but the governor insisted on breaking the union anyway

Gillespie: Obama shouldn’t have inserted himself on the Wisconsin debate - he should leave that to Senators from South Carolina

Gregory: is this about energizing the base?

Ford: Obama is right - this is an assault on unions

Santelli: those fucking coddled public unions are costing America

Gregory: I see

Santelli: union are terrorists attacking the rest of us

Gregory: Don’t we need to slash spending?

Granholm: People don’t care about spending or the debt - they want goddamn jobs

Gregory: who is winning the austerity conversation?

Ford: I am

Gregory: aren’t all Democrats a bunch of demagogues?

Ford: we must give up all Social Security benefits until we are 70!

Gregory: are the GOP willing to strike a Grand Bargain?

Santelli: the public is going to be thrilled with any politician who promises to eliminate Social Security- so Obama should definitely go first

Gregory: Government shutdown

Granholm: oddly people don’t seem like that

Gillespie: Obama increased spending 24%!

Gregory: wow!

Gillespie: Consumers won’t buy stuff because of the high federal debt and interest rates are so high no business can borrow

Audience: that’s not true

Ford: people don’t want jobs -- they want Social Security slashed

Christie: we must raise the retirement age!

Santelli: we have no choice we must slash spending now!!

Ford: Clinton created a surplus

Santelli: that was a totally different era - there was a dot com revolution and the cold war was ending

Gregory: Of course - and that’s Meet the Press


This Week with Christiane Amanpour - February 20, 2011

Rep. Steve Southerland (R-FL)
George Will
Donna Brazille
Jonathan Karl
Amanpour: holy crap it’s a people’s uprising -
in fucking Wisconsin!

Audience: whoa

Woodruff: there are union members marching and now even the tea party has came to demand public school teachers get their hands off the government

Audience: ah

Woodruff: unions want to keep collective bargaining rights and the tea party want to cut government spending

Teacher: I may have to leave teaching is
this bill passes

Tea partier: my wife is a teacher and this will cost her money but to be honest I never liked her much

Amanpour: Is Wisconsin going to played out
across America?

Will: Obama is a terrible debtor who is now sabotaging brave Wisconsin’s willingness to finally balance the budget on the backs of working people

Brazille: bullshit - these are just workers who want their collective bargaining rights

Southerland: Politicians all around America have no choice but to destroy unions since we’re in a recession

Karl: Obama has to win Wisconsin in 2012 -
also he’s soft on Mubarak

Will: All Walker is proposing is to take long-standing collective bargaining rights for wages - what copswaddle piffle

Brazille: Gov. Walker may hate unions but he thinks its great to give tax breaks to corporations

Southerland: Federal employees have nice pensions which is just wrong

Will: these teachers are getting rich and they abandoned their kids

Southerland: Small banks are being captured by
evil nazi federal regulators

Karl: Walker is trying to end automatic union dues collection which will of course solve Wisconsin’s non-existent budget problem

Amanpour: of course

Karl: no politician in world history was rewarded for making tough choices until Chris Christie came along

Southerland: it’s amazing and wonderful because America is broke

Will: federal budget cuts are very important but they also very very small

Brazille: these cuts affect vital essential programs
for children and the elderly

Will: [ yawns ]

Karl: Boehner is afraid of getting blamed for a government shutdown

Southerland: we had 500 amendments to the budget

Will: these cuts can’t be draconian because American is a big rich country

Brazille: what about the little children in Head Start?

Will: they don’t matter because of the Chevy volt

Brazille: Why I am talking with this bow-tied idiot

Will: balderdash!

Brazille: shut up you foppish twit


Sunday, February 13, 2011

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - Feb. 13, 2011

Newt Gingrich
Sameh Shoukry - Egypt Ambassador to the U.S.
Terry Moran - ABC news
Martha Raddatz - ABC news
Amanpour: whoa ‘people power’ overthrew
a 30-year dictator in Egypt so of course we will talk to Newt Gingrich

Audience: yay

Amanpour: 18 days that shook the world - the people fought for their freedom and democracy
and they won

Audience: wow

Amanpour: last week Mubarak told me he wouldn’t leave but the people wouldn’t accept anything less and the military backed the protesters

Audience: woo hoo

Amanpour: Mubarak tried to stay - but the people were furious and just like that Mubarak was out

Obama: the Egyptian people have demanded democracy which someday may inspire Americans to do the same

Terry Moran: there is already split among protesters - those who want to stay in the square and demand real hope and change those think enough has
been done

Audience: sounds familiar

Amanpour: speaking of out-of-touch egomaniacs - here’s Newt Gingrich

Amanpour: you called Obama timid, confused and amateurish

Gingrich: right Obama is weak and stupid and just keeps getting lucky

Amanpour: so what would have done about Egypt?

Gingrich: I would tell Mubarak privately and quietly he must leave but you must never abandon an ally or our dictator friends will think we don’t support dictators like Mubarak which we don’t

Amanpour: don’t you think they will figure it out when Mubarak updates his Facebook page?

Gingrich: no they don’t get the Internet in Syria
or Texas

Amanpour: you loved Mubarak once - not without cause

Gingrich: right - look my position is very very clear - we should maintain two conflicting policies

Amanpour: Obama openly supported the protesters

Gingrich: but he cut funds to them

Amanpour: so you support democracy there?

Gingrich: no I don’t because the Muslim Brotherhood is scary

Amanpour: so what do we do now?

Gingrich: threaten to pull our $1 billion in aid if they don’t put in a friendly government

Amanpour: why would you do that

Gingrich: because America stands for freedom

Amanpour: what does that mean concretely?

Gingrich: demand the Muslim Brotherhood be banned from participation in democracy

Amanpour: why would you do that?

Gingrich: they are conservative radicals who have a 30-year to plan to take over the government starting with the schools

Amanpour: I didn’t know the tea party was in Egypt

Amanpour: How do you reconcile democracy with fear of Muslims?

Gingrich: Did you know Adolf Hitler was a member of the Muslim Brotherhood in Zimbabwe?

Amanpour: you are fascinating - are you running
for President?

Gingrich: yes - it’s a great way to scam money from people

Amanpour: excellent

[ break ]

Amanpour: Who is in charge of Egypt?

Shoukry: the Supreme Military Council

Amanpour: that’s very comforting - but what
about democracy?

Shoukry: we’ll get to that in due time

Amanpour: what about the Emergency Law?

Shoukry: we need to keep that - this is a real emergency

Amanpour: and elections?

Shoukry: we will have those in a year or ten

Amanpour: nice - will the new government be pro-America?

Shoukry: it will be pro-Egypt

Amanpour: where is Mubarak?

Shoukry: I’m not sure - he Tweeted me from Disneyworld

Amanpour: what about the peace treaty with Israel?

Shoukry: it’s very nice - after all who wants war?

Amanpour: George Bush did

Shoukry: ah but he said he didn’t

Amanpour: that’s what worries me

Martha Raddatz: People in Yemen are protesting
but it’s scary because it’s a major breeding ground for al-qaeda

Audience: oooh

Raddatz: the failed underpants bomber was trained in Yemen

Audience: eeek

Radd: the U.S. has given Yemen’s military $250 million to fight al-qaeda and it is stronger than ever

Audience: umm ok

Radd: then the U.S. government killed a few
Yemen civilians

Audience: oops sorry

Yemenis: kaithnx America

Meet The Press - February 13, 2011

Speaker John Boehner (R-OH)
Rep. Bobby Schilling - (R-IL)
Kasim Reed - (D-Mayor Atlanta)
Dee Dee Myers
David Brooks
Mark Halperin

Gregory: holy shit after 18 days of protests
Mubarak quit

Engel: things are returning back to normal in Cairo

Gregory: amazing

Engel: doctors, lawyers and even police are demonstrating demanding an end to corrupt outdated institutions like the state internal
security ministry and cable news

Gregory: oh dear

Engel: the army suspended the constitution, dissolved the parliament and took over the country

Gregory: now I feel better

Gregory: it seems like reform is sweeping the middle east

Indyk: Qadaffi could be next - fancy epaulets
only take you so far

Gregory: did Tweetdeck bring down a dictator?

Wright: the young cyber-generation are bringing down the powerful and now they have to govern

Gregory: this is what terrifies me

Indyk: forget the Muslim Brotherhood
- do we want to be governed by a bunch of iPod-hooked teenagers??

Gregory: what about Iran?

Wright: Iran says it supports the Egyptian protesters and it shows it by shooting Iranian protesters

Gregory: Republicans have raised doubts
about Obama

Audience: that is shocking indeed

Gregory: welcome Mr. Speaker
Boehner: thanks

Gregory: does the GOP think Obama pushed Mubarak out too fast?

Boehner: we need to support freedom

Gregory: Rick Santorum doesn’t think so

Boehner: well he’s an idiot

Gregory: so you don’t like Murbarak?

Boehner: we need to listen to people crying
out for freedom
[ starts crying ]

Gregory: I see

Boehner: they’re crying for freedom fluffy [ sobs ]

Gregory: what does worry you?

Boehner: we can’t support violent crazy radicals who don’t supports right or democracy

Gregory: we’ll get to the tea party later

Gregory: what makes you think the Egyptians are ready for democracy?

Boehner: I believe freedom and low taxes are a god-given right

Gregory: Obama didn’t see this coming!

Boehner: well nobody’s perfect

Gregory: but aren’t you terribly disappointed?

Boehner: no

Gregory: jesus fucking christ who do I have to invite on to get someone to bash Obama?!?!?

Boehner: sobs

Gregory: the tea party is mad at you

Boehner: I know! [ sniffles ]

Gregory: will you at least fulfill your pledge to cut $100 billion from the budget?

Boehner: yes whatever shuts those loons up

Gregory: will you cut critical programs and damage the recovery

Boehner: when are we going to get serious about cutting spending?

Gregory: ok get serious and cut the defense budget

Boehner: Obama’s excessive spending causes unemployment

Gregory: oh I see

Boehner: we must cut spending now!

Gregory: won’t that cause another recession?

Boehner: no cutting spending will create jobs

Gregory: how does that work?

Boehner: because businesses will see Washington get serious about the debt and hire the people their business needs

Gregory: um yeah

Boehner: After big spending under Reagan, Bush I, Bush II it’s finally time to cut spending

Gregory: so cut Social Security!

Boehner: look David you and I both want to cut Social Security but not every Americans realize it’s necessary and it’s up to you and I educate them

Gregory: I’m on it

Gregory: shouldn’t the government get out of mortgage business?

Boehner: damm right

Gregory: won’t that collapse the housing market?

Boehner: it would have before but recent experience shows that the private sector can handle the private mortgage market

Gregory: Do you believe Obama is from Kenya

Boehner: he could be

Gregory: shouldn’t you stand up to utter ignorance?

Boehner: it’s not our job to tell people to the truth - we have to listen to the American people

Gregory: interesting perspective

Boehner: look people read a lot of things it’s not our job to traffic in truth

Gregory: Is your party trying to convince people Obama is Kenyan-Muslim-Marxist

Boehner: no I’m trying to convince people he borrows-and-spends so much he is almost as bad Reagan, George Bush or George W Bush

Boehner: you say people in Washington are trying to snuff out the American dream

Boehner: right

Gregory: but you’re Speaker of the House

Boehner: technically

Gregory: Rep. Chris Lee resigned because he put a shirtless picture of himself on the Internet

Boehner: Shitless Rep in Tasteless Move

Gregory: heh

Boehner: we will not tolerate immorality in the party that does not involve passing out checks from lobbyists on the House floor

Gregory: isn’t Obama doomed?

Boehner: you have persuaded me Fluffy

Gregory: who is the front runner in the GOP race in 2012 out of Romney, Huckabee, Palin and Paul?

Boehner: good god - hopefully someone else will come forward

Gregory: what do you need in a candidate?

Boehner: someone who can spout bullshit
really skillfully

Gregory: what about the tea party

Boehner: I love those gun-toting lunatics

[ break ]

Gregory: let us turn to our Egypt expert David Books

Brooks: John Boehner supports Obama which means he must have really screwed up

Halperin: Iran terrifies me

Gregory: what terrifies you pizza man?

Schilling: I am terrified of war with Israel and pineapple toppings

Gregory: If you are not Boehner’s clone whose
clone are you

Schilling: I created by cross-fertilizing the DNA of Ronald Reagan and Ayn Rand

Gregory: the leaders are already compromising on the promises they made to the tea party -
are you furious?

Schilling: no they gave me a key to the Congressional bathroom and I folded
like a cheap suit

Gregory: you get one of those anyway

Schilling: oh

Reed: we need be honest about spending

Gregory: there’s a split between Big Spenders and Cutters

Myers: the real split is in the Republican party between the Crazy and Corporate

Brooks: these brave brave Republicans are cutting important programs but aren’t really willing to cut anything big

Schilling: I’m sick of tired of the direction of this nation since we elected a Democrat President

Gregory: so what do you want

Schilling: we must cut entitlements!

Gregory: like what specifically

Schilling: I don’t know that’s not my job -
I’m a small businessman

Gregory: But you’re in Congress now

Schilling: I am - holy shit

Halperin: with all due respect to the Congressman he’s an idiot

Brooks: I have good news - there are some people in Congress willing to eliminate Social Security

Gregory: thank god

Reed: just cut it already so we can prepare

Gregory: Ron Paul won the CPAC 2012 straw poll!

Halperin: It’s between Gingrich, Romney Huckabee and
“Unnamed Not Crazy Person”

Myers: the GOP nomination always goes the Respectable White Male which is Mitt Romney but this is not your father’s GOP

Schilling: The Tea Party is going demand an insane nominee

Gregory: can Obama win if unemployment is still high?

Reed: yeah he will probably have to

Gregory: how about Jeb Bush and Obama’s Ambassador to China?

Brooks: and Donald Trump

Gregory: wow!

Brooks: I’m mocking you Fluffy

Gregory: so who is a serious candidate?

Brook: John Thune - he’s so dreamy looking!

Gregory: can Obama lose?

Halperin: yes when he screws up Egypt by excessively supporting democracy

Gregory: ha journalists are thin-skinned and demanding and that’s Meet The Press

Sunday, February 06, 2011

Meet The Press - February 6, 2011

Mohamed Elbaradei
Sameh Shoukry - Egypt Amb. to U.S.
Sen. John Kerry (D-MA)
James Baker
Peggy Noonan
Willie Brown
Andrea Mitchell
Gregory: Mohamed is it your position that
Mubarak must leave?

Elbaradei: no he can stay in Egypt after he
resigns in humiliation

Gregory: so you’re saying he has to leave Egypt

Elbaradei: no Fluffy - I’m saying he has to cede power gradually before I’m elected President

Gregory: will you bash Obama for me

Elbaradei: he should support basic human rights like democracy, freedom and access to Facebook

Gregory: should Americans be terrified of Arab democracy?

Elbaradei: yes if you are scared of democracy all across the Middle East because it’s coming baby

Gregory: aaarrrhhhhh!!!

Elbaradei: I was being sarcastic and you are
an insult to 300 million people

Gregory: sorry I love Arabs

Elbaradei: I was referring to Americans

Gregory: what abut the peace treaty with Israel?

Elbaradei: not unless they establish a
Palestinian state

Gregory: OMG you’re going to start a war!!!

Elbaradei: make of that whatever you want

[ break ]

Gregory: Ambasador is this an unstoppable revolution?

Shoukry: well it’s very nice

Gregory: but you can never go back again

Shoukry: true enough

Gregory: when will Mubarak quit?

Shoukry: I don’t know - he’s gotten really weird lately

Gregory: like how

Shoukry: he just goes on and on about what a
freak Steven Tyler is

Gregory: Obama says he should quit now

Shoukry: Regardless you’re not getting Simon Cowell back

Gregory: I meant Mubarak

Shoukry: oh that -- yes but Obama also said this is an Egyptian problem so really Mubarak might
as well stay

Gregory: Mubarak unleashed goon squads on journalists!

Shoukry: we’re going to investigate our thugs and why they fucked up - I tell that would never happened in the old days

Gregory: with all due respect that’s ridiculous

Shoukry: bite me Fluffy

Gregory: Should Americans be terrified of
Muslim democracy?

Shoukry: if you’re a normal person no --
but if you watch a lot of Fox news then yes

Gregory: thanks buddy

[ break ]

Gregory: what do you think of Egypt John

Kerry: it’s awesome - they’re lifting the state of emergency which will allow people to meet at a cafĂ© which as well all know is a prelude to democracy

Starbucks: darn right

Obama: Mubarak should leave

Wisner: it’s critical for Mubarak to stay

Gregory: wha?

Kerry: Obama is flooding the zone with
Germans and Turks!!

Gregory: holy crap!

Kerry: we want orderly change

Gregory: when?

Kerry: now!

Gregory: when will that happen

Kerry: it is happening as we speak Greggers

Gregory: but what minute of hour of what day?

Kerry: um you know Egypt isn’t actually part
of the United States

Gregory: why do you hate America-Egypt

Kerry: elections don’t bring democracy - look at Bush v. Gore

Gregory: How is it possible that Obama didn’t see everything happening in Egypt!?

Kerry: because fuck you

Gregory: that hurts John

Kerry: the whole revolution happened on Facebook and Twitter - only weirdos and losers are on those

Gregory: I’m on both all the time

Kerry: well there you go then

[ break ]

Gregory: I’m here at a shrine to Ronald Reagan -- look at that big airplane and this historic piece
of furniture!

Audience: woo hoo

Gregory: James Baker you’re a lawyer from Texas - so tell us about Egypt

Baker: if one-party rule is good enough for Texas it should be good enough for Egypt

Gregory: But shouldn’t we petrified of
democracy there??

Baker: the radicals are frightening

Gregory: damm hippies

Baker: I meant the neocons

Gregory: let’s bash Obama!

Mitchell: Fluffy the last thing the region needs is for America to be seen as installing a government

Gregory: oh

Mitchell: they are getting every nation to pile on Mubarak and it’s working

Gregory: god I loved it when Reagan said tear down this wall and Gorby ignored him for 2 years

Noonan: so awesome

Gregory: doesn’t this mean Obama is a total failure compared to Reagan?

Noonan: Fluffy even I think that’s stupid

Brown: America fuck yeah!

Gregory: let us now all celebrate Reagan

Noonan: Regan deepened faith in government

Audience: of course he did

Noonan: everyone was optimistic when Reagan was President - even homeless veterans with aids dreamed of financing fancy German-made cardboard boxes with junk bonds

Gregory: what a glorious time it was

Gregory: James Baker will you please bash
Barack Obama for me

Baker: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: But Reagan torn down the Manila Wall !!

Baker: Gregory you’re not the solution to our problems - you are the problem

Gregory: wasn’t Reagan right when he said government sucks and proved it for 8 years

Brown: yes but he had practice wrecking
California before that

Gregory: he raised taxes too though

Mitchell: conservative lunatics now all want to be Reagan - but he compromised with Democrats all the time

Noonan: In 1964 Regan bravely explained civil rights were a Soviet plot

Gregory: what would Saint Ronnie think of the
Tea Party?

Baker: he would love it but they would hate him because Reagan was all about bipartisanship

Gregory: really?

Baker: he knew when to hold ‘em and fold ‘em

Gregory: he was like Kenny Rogers without the chicken

Baker: Working in Hollywood prepared him for dealing scum and villany around the world

Gregory: ha ha ha Newsweek says Obama loves Reagan

Brown: Obama failed because of all those loser progressives

Gregory: honestly were deregulation and deficits such great ideas?

Baker: those never happened

Gregory: Obama said we should do big things - That’s So Reagan

Noonan: look here’s where the bullet bounced
right off Reagan

Gregory: wow

Gregory: and here’s that famous line after the Challenger explosion

Noonan: yes that’s from a wonderful famous poem

Gregory: what - I’m so disillusioned

Noonan: sorry Greggers

Gregory: and we will have 7 more hours of Reagan coverage today

Audience: it’s the SuperBowl of Adulation


This Week with Christiane Amanpour - February 6, 2011

Omar Suleiman - V.P of Egypt
Sameh Shoukry: Egypt Amb. to U.S.
Amanpour: it’s been an epic week in Egypt and we’ve got all the major players on the show today

Audience: yay

Amanpour: all the protesters were optimistic -
they are singing and yelling against the government for the first time in 30 years

Protester: suck it Mubarak!

Amanpour: then we ran into pro-authoritarian protesters who fear chaos

Pro-mubarak protester: damm hippies

Protester: Mubarak has done a lot of good
but he’s become a tragic figure

Murbarak: send in the camels!

Protesters: to the paving stones!

Thugs: go away journalists!

Protesters: we’re not leaving!

[ break ]

Amanpour: Hosni will you quit?

Mubarak: I’m fed up and I want to retire

Amanpour: so why don’t you?

Mubarak: I can’t my pension was with Bear Stearns!

Amanpour: hey protesters I met with Mubarak

Protestors: omg what did he say

Amanpour: he said he already met your demands

Protestor: what a dick

[ break ]

Amanpour: you are meeting the opposition parties?

Suleiman: right

Amanpour: including Elbaradei?

Suleiman: no he’s too popular

Amanpour: will you transition to true democracy?

Suleiman: we will if you do

Amanpour: Murbark wants to quit but he
doesn’t want to rush it

Suleiman: things are too chaotic right now

Amanpour: will you run for President?

Suleiman: hell no that’s a thankless job

Amanpour: why not

Suleiman: please I want to keep my head

Amanpour: what is going on in the streets of the Middle East?

Suleiman: that’s all outside agitators

Amanpour: you can’t really believe that

Suleiman: yes - all foreigners with their sinister ideas about free speech

Amanpour: but now the youth have the Internet

Suleiman: they are being instigated by vicious outsiders like Israel and Mark Zuckerberg

Amanpour: Do you even believe in democracy?

Suleiman: for sure someday - like in 30 years

Amanpour: what do you want from the opposition?

Suleiman: Patience - give us 5 more years of ignoring them

Amanpour: what message do you have for the people in Tahrir Square?

Suleiman: go away

Amanpour: thanks very much

[ break ]

Amanpour: So the government is now meeting
with the Muslim Brotherhood

Shoukry: yes but it shouldn’t go to their heads

Amanpour: what happens now?

Shoukry: before fleeing for their lives government officials needs to steal everything not nailed down

Amanpour: Obama said you guys should
try democracy

Shoukry: true but he also said Egyptians have to solve this on their which we took to mean dictators are still cool

Amanpour: you have had a State of Emergency
for decades

Shoukry: right but a week of protests prove everything is fine now

Amanpour: why were journalists purposefully attacked?

Shoukry: that’s terrible but you know as Rumsfeld says democracy is messy

Amanpour: protestors were also beaten and shot

Shoukry: well emotions were running high

Amanpour: thanks a bunch Ambassador

Amanpour: Mubarak told me he never intended for his idiot son become President

George H. W. Bush: hey neither did I

Tapper: ha ha Obama didn’t see all the protests
in Egypt coming

Mubarak: um yeah what an idiot

Tapper: ha silly Obama -- all focused on the
State of the Union

Biden: I like Mubarak- we play poker every Friday

Tapper: Obama told Mubarak to fire his cabinet and he did - ha clueless Obama

Clinton: there needs to be reform and an orderly transition

Obama: Hosni you can’t run again and you have
to quit

Mubarak: for reals Barack?

Tapper: ha Obama has critics who have their
doubts about him

Audience: oooh he’s not the messiah

Amanpour: What does the White House say now?

Tapper: they want elections to be held later so other groups can catch up to the Muslim Brotherhood

Audience: but I thought Obama was a secret Muslim

Tapper: he is - but Obama is part of the Brotherhood of Muslims -- they hate those fake splitters the Muslim Brotherhood

Audience: I see

Amanpour: in other news the government has lifted the ban on text messaging

Tapper: lol r u on twitter #sillyobama