Sunday, October 31, 2010

Meet The Press - October 31, 2010

John Brennan - White House counterterrorism advisor
Gov. Haley Barbour (R-MS)
Tim Kaine - DNC Chair
Tom Brokaw
Chuck Todd
Michelle Norris
Charlie Cook
Mark Halperin
Gregory: are there explosive packages still
out there and should this affect my trick or treating?

Brennan: absolutely

Gregory: so I should be very frightened?

Brennan: at all times

Gregory: Is the same group behind the
Christmas Day plot to drop wrapped packages
down our chimneys?

Brennan: yes and they targeted synagogues
so they covered their bases

Gregory: were they tying to exploit the fact there
are no passengers on cargo planes which could be very threatening?

Brennan: right

Gregory: that sounds terrifying

Brennan: it is

Gregory: but there’s a huge loophole because
cargo isn’t screened!

Brennan: yes terrorists may just start mailing bombs marked “you may already be a winner”

Gregory: I love those

Brennan: who wouldn’t open one of those?

Gregory: is Al-Qaeda evolving?

Brennan: yes like primates into humans

Gregory: amazing

[ break ]

Gregory: Gov. Barbour what is this election about?

Barbour: it’s about excessive spending
and debt

Gregory: it’s a repudiation of Republicans?

Barbour: no no - see after 30 years of doing the opposite the GOP is now against spending and debt and deficits

Gregory: oh I see

Kaine: look we cut the deficit and they said their only goal is to make Obama a one-term President

Barbour: this is biggest lurch to the left since FDR and people hate that guy

Gregory: give me your prediction

Barbour: Pain!

Gregory: you said politicians will run on
healthcare and none of them are

Kaine: that’s a lie

Gregory: maybe but it’s a good story

Kaine: you sure seem to love it

Gregory: most Dems are not running on health care reform

Kaine: that’s just not true

Barbour: oh lawdy oh mah stars

Gregory: Gov. Barbour I love your ideas but can
you really keep your promises to cut medicare and spending?

Barbour: anyone can cut $100 billion

Gregory: so why don’t you say how you will do it?

Barbour: aww hawgwash

Gregory: can you really please repeal health care reform?

Barbour: we’ll try Flaffy

Gregory: can there be bipartisanship?

Kaine: we’re going to force the GOP to cut
social security

Gregory: wow!

Barbour: skyrockin debt!

Kaine: we saved the auto industry

Barbour: who is the left of Obama I mean who
spent more than him??

Kaine: Nixon Ford Reagan Bush and Bush

Barbour: well except for them

[ break ]

Gregory: can the GOP take the Senate?

Todd: Nevada is fascinating because you have a milquetoast senate majority leader up against an utter lunatic

Gregory: that’s very interesting

Todd: in the House Democrats are playing
an away game

[ break ]

Gregory: so roundtable what do voters want?

Brokaw: my keen insight says people are mad and believe everything they see on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube

Cook: this is a Parliament election

Gregory: Funkadelic!

Cook: the GOP is going to explode!

Gregory: people are very angry but then again we have a very controversial rally for sanity

Norris: those horrible progressives should have been out canvassing instead of attending a rally

Gregory: indeed they should shower and get a job and knock on doors

Norris: voters are very pragmatic and want something done so will vote for a person who
wants to bring a chicken to the doctor

Halperin: the rally for sanity was the Angry Left like the Beck rally was the Angry Right

Todd: the next 2 years will be a war of the White House vs. the House of Representatives

Gregory: ooh cool

Todd: we don’t know how crazy the House will be - Batshit Insane or merely Totally Psycho

Cook: by ten p.m. election night returns should tell us the results of the election

Gregory: truly you have amazing insight

Gregory: Mark Halperin you say Obama is a compromising moderate who is too far left

Brokaw: Obama does the right things but he is an emotionless Vulcan

Halperin: Obama doesn’t fight for the
American people

Norris: he hasn’t made the case for his own Presidency

Gregory: I don’t care what the truth is and I have studied this and precious few Democrats are running with the President

Brokaw: I was on the Internet and the President
is very unpopular

Gregory: that walrus doing exercises is a clear repudiation of Obamacare

Brokaw: #warble

Gregory: #ihateobama

Gregory: wow that race is Florida is crazy and it’s bad for Democrats there!

Norris: forget that - it will crush Democrats
across the nation!

Gregory: the bloggersphere is angry!

Cook: that’s silly

Gregory: what is the GOP planning?

Brokaw: the tea party wants to repeal health care, social security drug benefits and the law of gravity

Gregory: what will Obama do?

Halperin: he’s got to stop being so passive where he justs sit back and enacts stimulus, health care reform, financial reform - he’s go to do something!

Gregory: he’s so lazy - people hate him!

Todd: there is going to be a big budget fight in 2011!

Gregory: wow that sounds like much fun

Todd: the tea party will offer a chance for Obama to create a rift in the GOP

Brokaw: they are an odd bunch

Gregory: people want politicians to work together

Halperin: that’s not the tea party’s m.o.

Gregory: what about the war?

Brokaw: which one?

Gregory: Afghanistan

Brokaw: the war against Islamic Rage

Gregory: ooh that’s a fun one too

Brokaw: we should talk about how a small number
of troops are doing all the fighting

Audience: should we have had the conversation
in 2001?

Cook: everyone assumed Obama would be weak on defense but it turns out he’s soft on jobs

Todd: the tea party are isolationists so we might as well pull out of Afghanistan

Cook: the GOP is going to have an unearned win this election because there are no jobs

Todd: Feingold losing would hurt Obama in 2012

Brokaw: Reagan’s approval ratings were worse than Obama’s after 2 years

Gregory: Dutch?? [ sobs ]

Special Halloween Episode - 2009

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - October 31, 2010

John Brennan
Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX)
Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ)
Amanpour: are there any explosive packages
still out there and what do they look like?

Brennan: worry if you get any unexpected mail from Yemen that is ticking loudly

Amanpour: is it all a plot by a woman and her daughter to wreck America?

Brennan: I didn’t come here to talk about the Palins

Amanpour: who is behind this?

Brennan: we’re looking for all kinds of people

Amanpour: like the men behind the underwear bomber

Brennan: we’re looking for the smoking thong

Amanpour: the PETN got by the PETS!

Brennan: it’s a bit of problem

Amanpour: what else can you do?

Brennan: forget sniffing dogs - we solved this plot with information from Saudi government

Amanpour: how did they know about it

Brennan: let’s just say they have their methods

Amanpour: should we all fly naked?

Brennan: that may work in Sweden but not here

Amanpour: what about cargo planes?

Brennan: they’re full of in-flight bombs like Clash
of the Titans

Amanpour: are we safe

Brennan: no but what can you do?

Amanpour: were they targeting synagogues?

Brennan: no they were only addressed there
to throw off suspicion

Amanpour: of course

Amanpour: will you win the Senate

Cornyn: no but we will in 2012

Amanpour: the end of the world!

Amanpour: have you given up on that loon
Joe Miller?

Cornyn: oh yeah but at least a Republican
is going to win

Menendez: I think we have a chance - Alaska
is crazy after all

Amanpour: Is this worse than 1994?

Menendez: no because people dislike Dems
but they also hate Republicans

Amanpour: good news indeed

Menendez: we need to remind people that the GOP brought us to the brink of destruction

Amanpour: people think Obama raised taxes, the debt, bailed out the banks and is from Rhodesia

Menendez: I think some of those aren’t true

Amanpour: you want Obama want to be a
one-term President

Cornyn: look in January 2009 we remembered
we care about spending

Amanpour: can there ever be bipartisanship?

Menendez: no because the GOP want Obama to fail

Amanpour: why are you keeping your spending
cuts a secret?

Cornyn: we will reveal our plans after the election

Amanpour: not before?

Cornyn: it will be fun like a surprise party

Amanpour: how about raising taxes on the rich?

Cornyn: oh no no

Amanpour: why not just keep the tax cuts for everybody?

Menendez: I thought the GOP was worried about
the debt!

Cornyn: who me?

Amanpour: David Vitter stopped spending money on prostitutes long enough to spend money to attack Hispanics

Cornyn: this is about Yemen terrorists!

Amanpour: ok then

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Meet The Press with Michael Steele - October 24, 2010

Michael Steele - RNC Chair
Harold Ford - Fmr Dem Rep.
E.J. Dionne
Rachel Maddow
Rick Santelli

Gregory: Oooh the Final Countdown to election day - here’s the chair of the RNC!!!

Steele: hey-ooo!!!

Gregory: Mike is it true Republicans created a big mess and decided to obstruct Obama so the mess wouldn’t be fixed?

Steele: oh no Republicans wanted to tort reform
and Obama said no

Gregory: oh that is so sad!

Steele: Fluffy the GOP leaders tried to meet with Obama and he wouldn’t invite them to his
Superbowl party

Gregory: so are we looking at a massive
GOP sweep?

Steele: Greggers the excitement is off the hook!
it’s crazy!

Gregory: whoa that’s amazing

Steele: we’re taking the House - it’s on
it’s happening!

Gregory: I don’t want to throw cold water on your party but I can’t help but notice that you nominated
a bunch of lunatics for high office

Steele: look Chris we all make misstatements

Gregory: my name is David

Steele: see what I mean!

Gregory: right

Steele: you have to look into someone’s heart not whether they are a witch or hate gays or have never read the Constitution or wear a Nazi uniform

Gregory: is O’Donnell qualified for the U.S. Senate?

Steele: it’s snobbish and very elitist to insist that a Senator be able to read at a third-grade level

Gregory: Pelosi says the GOP is creating a plutocracy

Steele: Pluto?! Who cares about some damm
cartoon dog?!?!

Gregory: ok

Steele: don’t be high and mighty about disclosure - Nancy Pelosi should disclose what she says the GOP are not disclosing!

Gregory: are there secret organizations funding
GOP elections?

Steele: How should I know?!?! They’re secret!!

Gregory: well that seems like a problem

Steele: the law doesn’t require disclosure!

Gregory: well should it?

Steele: I love transparency so Nancy Pelosi should put up or shut and identify the secret funders
of GOP elections!!

Gregory: Eric Cantor says National Public Radio is captured by radical Islamic terrorists

Steele: Garrison Keillor may wear muslim garb -
who can say?? The man is on the damm radio!!

Gregory: a salient point indeed

Steele: look Juan Williams was expressing his own fear of muslim garb which is the same thing that
Tina Notenberg said about Strom Thurmond

Gregory: should we eliminate NPR?

Steele: I’m not interested in policy I just want to use this ridiculous issue to win elections

Gregory: can we win in 2012?

Steele: oh it’s gonna be incredibly exciting -
in 2 years the GOP is going to have a whole new crop of crazy people and delusional psychotics
to run for office!

Gregory: speaking of that - your tenure at the RNC has been one fiasco after another

Steele: look I’m a different kind of chairman - I’ve created a network of unqualified ignorant freaks all across this country

Gregory: thank you very much Mike

[ break ]

Gregory: so group what’s going on with the 2010 elections?

Brooks: voters hate everybody so the elections are all getting closer

Maddow: the country hasn’t changed ideologically in 2 years as exciting as all those tea partiers are

Gregory: Obama says America is scared and so people act irrationally

Santelli: that’s odd because all the rich people I know are very calm and happy

Dionne: Dems need a clear message embracing and even bragging about the stimulus and health care reform

Gregory: but as a nation we’re on the wrong track!

Ford: Obama and Democrats have to focus on jobs and growth and also do whatever Republicans want

Gregory: what about all these secret donations pouring into political campaigns and putting on confusing ads?

Brooks: it’s only important if you care about it corrupting our government - let’s talk about whether it affects the horse race!

Gregory: yeah!

Brooks: it’s only $12 million - who cares?

Dionne: hell yeah $200 million matters - why do you think corporations are spending this money just for the fun or it??

Maddow: we don’t know how much money is being spent by Karl Rove because it’s a fucking secret

Gregory: this is the law of the land - should it be changed?

Santelli: I’m a firm believer in process - for example we could have a process to buy and sell Senate seats on eBay

Gregory: Rick Santelli you are the Father of the Tea Party - and your candidates are mostly illiterate nuts and not even winning

Santelli: let’s not be snobs just because a candidate hasn’t read the First Amendment

Gregory: you’re joking

Ford: the problem is she celebrates her ignorance - on the other hand I’ve been on Capitol Hill those guys are not too bright either

Gregory: after all you were in Congress

Ford: exactly

Maddow: The 2010 election can be summed up in Nevada: Reid is very unpopular but will because Sharron Angle is crazy, violent and racist

Ford: look all politicians are corrupt and most are insane

Gregory: even Fortune magazine thinks the GOP plan is incoherent

Brooks: the people want their cake and eat it too - which the GOP has promised since 1980

Gregory: let us cry for Juan Williams

Dionne: a student of mine once listened to every hour of NPR for a whole week

Audience: dear god

Dionne: NPR is a good news organization and Fox
is a pure propaganda network

Gregory: perhaps

Dionne: they should have told Juan Williams to choose between NPR and Fox

Ford: oh poor poor Juan Williams!

Santelli: we just need to elect ignorant uninformed rabid anti-government Tea Partiers to make raising taxes popular

Maddow: that’s the single stupidest thing I have
ever heard in my entire life

Gregory: and that’s Meet The Press

Digby & Watertiger on Virtually Speaking Sunday Tonight
October 24 8:00 p.m. EST / 5:00 p.m. Pacific

Simulcast on BlogTalkRadio:
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This Week with Christiane Amanpour - October 24, 2010

Tim Kaine - DNC Chair
Ed Gillespie - GOP strategist
Anita Dunn - Dem strategist
George Will
Amy Walter
Amanpour: the election is 9 days away and America has so many lunatics to choose from

Kaine: we can keep the House if everything changes

Amanpour: the polls say you’re gong to lose

Kaine: true - but have you seen those cheering rallies?

Amanpour: Will Pelosi stay on?

Kaine: she deserves a medal for herding all those assholes

Amanpour: and the Senate?

Kaine: thank god for Angle, O’Donnell, and that looney Toomey

Amanpour: but why aren’t you sweeping into office with rose petals strewn at your feet?

Kaine: we got the policy right but forgot to
advertise our successes

Amanpour: that seems like the kind of thing
a politician would remember

Kaine: well we were all very busy at the time

Amanpour: Bill Clinton says he can’t believe
you might lose the House after just 2 years of Obama’s Presidency

Kaine: um, 1994?

Amanpour: but you need to sell whatever you’ve done

Kaine: we saved the auto industry and prevented
a Depression

Amanpour: the Dems are running away from your famous health care reform

Kaine: I don’t see that happening - very much anyway

Amanpour: but Republicans are running ads
against health care reform

Kaine: of course they are - they also dress like Nazis and pay their coven tithes in chickens

Amanpour: why don’t you undisclosed-outside-funded ads?

Kaine: because we’re pure and believe in full disclosure

Amanpour: the economy sucks and the Democrats are in charge of all three branches of government

Kaine: we’ve accomplished an incredible amount
but the Republicans won’t allow us to accomplish anything

Amanpour: sell me on your achievements

Kaine: we have great job growth

Amanpour: in 2011 will we finally get bipartisanship?

Kaine: Christiane are you high?

[ break ]

Amanpour: welcome to the rouddtable - in a time of economic hardship, American has nominated a bunch of crazy people, weirdos, psychotics and general nutjobs

Will: the tea party was created out of disappointment with Bush and the Republicans

Gillespie: the tea party has energized the GOP -
I love those wackos

Amanpour: what are they so mad about?

Gillespie: Obama is taking over every business
in America!

Dunn: I agree with the tea party - the Republican party sucks

Amanpour: interesting

Dunn: there may be an enthusiasm gap but no one really wants Republican ideas - they’re just mad and disappointed

Amanpour: why are Republicans so secretive?

Gillespie: Obama hides the identity of people who gave him only $10 and unions are spending taxpayer money on elections!

Dunn: dear god that’s stupid

Gillespie: look we’re obeying the corrupt laws we enacted to protect billionaires

Walter: voters are anti-everything - they would vote against themselves if they could

Will: it’s amazing that billionaires don’t spend more to influence elections - they’re so selfless and wonderful

Dunn: so government is bought and paid for - people care about that!

Gillespie: people don’t care about corrupt elections - they care about the debt!

Amanpour: polls say people want the government to create jobs

Dunn: Bush was losing a million jobs a month!

Will: the election is over and the voters have said they hate Obama

Amanpour: thank you for that report from fantasy-land


Sunday, October 10, 2010

60 Minutes - October 10, 2010

Kroft: computers trade all stocks nowadays
which is not unexpected if you’ve seen the Terminator movies

Audience: awesome

Kroft: Big banks own computers which
on their own trade a billion shares of stocks a day

Audience: how nice

Kroft: Do humans do any trading?

Computer trading guy: hell no humans
are slow and stupid

Kroft: why would you buy a stock and
hold it 30 seconds?

Owner: it’s called buy hold and dump dude

Kroft: how do you make money doing that?

Owner: did you ever seen Superman III
with Richard Pryor?

Kroft: yes

Owner: we make 40 million pennies a day

Kroft: so the computers don’t know if the
CEO is a crook or having an affair

Owner: right - it’s all math

Kroft: you take human beings out of capitalism

Owner: it seemed only logical

Other guy: you can’t make money
doing this without cheating

Kroft: they’re not cheating - they just
have fast computers

Other guy: that is cheating Steve

Kroft: traders will pay for access to information
normal people can’t get

Stock Exchange guy: right it’s genius

Other guy: this is more cheating

Kroft: but it’s only for milliseconds

Other guy: you poor deluded fool

Kroft: but doesn’t this create jobs?

Other guy: no it’s just guys rigging a casino

Stock exchange guy: look if you’re holding stocks long-term don’t worry if the computers will become self aware and foreclose on your house

Kroft: the chances of that happening are slim

Stock exchange guy: right like one in five

Sen. Kauffman: did you ever seen
2001: A Space Odyssey - these computers may
kill us all for no reason!

Kroft: that almost happened last year

Schapiro: that was scary

Kroft: should we put computers in charge of our retirement funds?

Schapiro: Algorithms almost sold the US government to China last spring

Sen. Kauffman: there are a small number of people swimming in a river of wealth

Stock guy: we have to trick people into putting all their money into a system clearly rigged by a select few to get rich using computers you can’t see or use

Kroft: of course

Meet The Press - October 10, 2010

Alexi Giannoulias (D-Illinois Sen. candidate)
Mark Kirk (R-Illinois Sen. candidate)
Joe Klein
Peggy Noonan

Gregory: Alexi did Obama bring change to America?

Giannoulias: he inherited a true mess and now
we have to get a trillion dollars off the sidelines and in the game

Kirk: Obama added debt which Nixon, Reagan,
Bush I and Bush II and Republicans would never do

Gregory: do you really want to stand by the Republican record on debt?

Kirk: No

Gregory: how do we add jobs?

Kirk: this Congress is viciously anti-business!

Gregory: your answer is more tax cuts

Kirk: not only that - crush the unions!

Giannoulias: I’m the only one here who has
worked in the private sector

Gregory: so how would you create jobs?

Giannoulias: people can’t get a loan so we need to get liquid

Gregory: you said the stimulus should be
bigger which is amazing!

Giannoulias: damm right

Gregory: but they promised unemployment of 8%!

Giannoulias: Look moron the stimulus prevented another Great Depression

Kirk: the Democrats want to impose a 900 billion tax increase on December 31 which is terrifying

Gregory: but I thought your big fear was the debt and now you won’t even raise taxes on
the richest Americans

Kirk: I want to limit our military jets to one engine each

Gregory: Okay

Giannoulias: he says he’s fiscal hawk but he voted for the Bridge to Nowhere, all of Bush’s budgets, Congressional pay raises, and to lift the debt ceiling - how will he pay for tax cuts for the rich??

Gregory: Captain Kirk?

Giannoulias: I would give Obama a line item veto

Gregory: Alex what would you cut?

Giannoulias: wasteful spending

Gregory: you misunderstood my question - I want you to say ‘raise the Social Security retirement age’

Kirk: sell the Tennessee Valley authority

Gregory: fascinating

Kirk: we can’t be like Europe with declining unemployment, social services and strong infrastructure - that’s just not the American way

Gregory: would you repeal the health care
reform bill?

Kirk: yes - replace it with tort reform

Giannoulias: and people think I’m an idiot

Kirk: the health care reform bill cuts spending
for old people!

Gregory: what about health care reform

Giannoulias: it banned pre-existing conditions
which was good

Kirk: no it cut Medicare

Gregory: Alexi you say you are a financial expert but your family’s bank went bankrupt and you appear to have mob ties

Giannoulias: My father came here as an immigrant and someday soon the family business will be completely legitimate

Gregory: but when did you stop working
for the bank?

Giannoulias: never ask me about my business Fluffy

Gregory: but you loaned money to criminals

Giannoulias: that’s where the money is

Gregory: you have strong ties to crooks

Giannoulias: so I’m perfect for Congress

Kirk: He’s Tony Soprano without the charm

Giannoulias: look we were a bank and we loaned money to people - you have no idea how a business works

Kirk: it’s true I don’t have experience lending
money to members of organized crime - it’s all his family does!

Giannoulias: Congressman we’re all a part of the same hypocrisy -- but never think that it applies to my family

Gregory: Captain Kirk-

Kirk: Admiral!

Gregory: Kirk you exaggerated being under fire, lied about being Intelligence Officer of the Year and claimed falsely that you ran the Pentagon War Room

Kirk: true - but I did see ‘Saving Private Ryan’

Giannoulias: people may be unsure what he believes but they will always know where I stand - I will
lend money to mobsters

Gregory: Facebook wants to know how you two would buck your parties

Kirk: I support stem cell research

Giannoulias: I oppose TARP

Gregory: brave stances indeed

[ break ]

Gregory: Obama is tied to Giannoulias who is tied to crooks and Kirk claimed he single-handledly defeated Khan

Klein: it’s an extraordinary election

Noonan: people are turned off by all the negative campaigning which is why it works

Gregory: does Obama help candidates?

Klein: of course he does Fluffy

Gregory: oh noe

Klein: people don’t want to hear endless debates about who lied - they want results from Washington

Gregory: you make it sound like people don’t like
my show

Klein: that’s true - they also hate Wall Street
and China

Gregory: it’s seems like the little people are very upset

Noonan: people are finally realizing America had a nice ride for 50 years and now the party is over

Gregory: Please bash Barack Obama for me

Noonan: if you insist Greggers - but I must tell you the people blame all of Washington

Gregory: Joe Klein will you please bash
Barak Obama

Klein: no - the people out there respect Obama but they don’t admire him because they don’t understand the health and financial reform bills

Gregory: I see

Klein: the American people are obsessed with China

Noonan: the Tea Party hate George W. Bush and the Republicans

Gregory: speaking of that let’s look at this clip of Sarah Palin on a local community access tv show

Klein: The American people know the Republicans have only bad ideas like needless wars and the Democrats have only ridiculous ideas like for forced breastfeeding by men

Noonan: people want to crush the government

Klein: yes but it’s a conundrum because the people I talked to out there want big spending and they don’t care about the debt

Noonan: those may be the facts but my gut tells people feel spending is out of control

Gregory: and my gut tells me that’s another episode of Meet The Press

Audience: [ vomits ]

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - October 10, 2010

Richard Blumenthal (D-CT Attorney General)
Linda McMahon (CEO WWE)
Christine LeGarde (French Finance Minister)
Pervez Musharraf (Former President of Pakistan)

Amanpour: Hi Bob Woodruff is reporting from a remote and strange place where journalists are never allowed access

Audience: the Christine O’Donnell headquarters?

Amanpour: Bob what did you see in North Korea?

Woodruff: we saw things we never saw before - we have a failed leader passing power
on to his idiot son

Amanpour: what do you know about the son
of the President

Woodruff: he speaks a little English and
enjoys sports

Amanpour: so he’s as qualified as Dubya

Amanpour: Connecticut has lost 100,000 jobs and has a shortage of gin & tonics so of course they have turned to a professional wrestling executive

Amanpour: you created 600 jobs based on oiled-up men wrestling each other on television -- so what federal spending would you cut?

McMahon: I would cut everything unpopular

Amanpour: would you cut defense Social Security
or Medicare and Medicaid?

McMahon: no

Amanpour: Linda your business was a degrading demeaning sexist violent steroid-ridden farce

McMahon: it used to be offensive but now it’s beefy men beating each other up geared toward children

Amanpour: your husband told to a woman to get down
on all fours and bark like a dog

McMahon: so what - people love dogs!

Amanpour: Dick how can you be losing this race?

Blumenthal: because don’t vote on the issues they vote for the person

Amanpour: you misled people about serving
in Vietnam

Blumenthal: true but I really did see ‘Platoon’ and ‘Apocalypse Now’

Amanpour: why should people vote for you?

Blumenthal: because professional wrestling is idiotic

Amanpour: and you Linda?

McMahon: because getting paid millions to
arrange for outrageously dressed muscular men in spandex to give each other consussions is the American dream

Amanpour: Talk austerity to me Christine

LaGarde: ve need to haf ze confidence

Amanpour: but economists say we need more stimulus

LaGarde: we did that in 2009 and unemployment is 9.3% which is tres bien

Amanpour: it seems like the poor are paying for the sins of the bankers

LaGarde: ve are taxing ze banks

Amanpour: can we prevent another worldwide financial meltdown?

LaGarde: ve don’t know because ze criminals
are tres agile

Amanpour: are markets run by crazy people?

LaGarde: ve must put zem in le straitjackets

Amanpour: will you raise the retirement age?

LaGarde: ess only 2 years

Amanpour: do women approach finance differently?

LaGarde: oui because eet is not all about le libido and making ze deal to have the sex

Amanpour: that sounds right

Amanpour: The U.S. apologized to Pakistan this week for bombing their country - whoops!!

Reporter: this leads to lack of support for the Pakistan government and hatred for the
United States

Audience: sounds great

Amanpour: the U.S. is accusing Pakistan of
not going after terrorists

Musharraf: oh no we are

Amanpour: then why is the U.S. bombing Pakistan?

Musharraf: hey we got our hands full - you don’t know what it’s like living in nation full of insane religious fanatics and people in politics with patently crazy anti-government ideas

Amanpour: I wouldn’t be to sure about that

Musharraf: we need to play “Let’s Make a Deal”
with the Taliban

Amanpour: not “Jeopardy”?

Amanpour: why are there so many terrorists in Pakistan?

Musharraf: hey get off our backs! Just leave
us alone!

Amanpour: Pakistanis don’t like the U.S.

Musharraf: well sure because the U.S. is bombing their country

Amanpour: are you going to run for President in 2013?

Musharraf: hey they could do worse than me -
and they have

Amanpour: but you’re in London

Musharraf: Yes I find for office in Pakistan from England cuts down on the assassination attempts

Amanpour: thanks for coming Pervez

Sunday, October 03, 2010

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - Debate on Islam - October 3, 2010

Rev. Franklin Graham
Daisy Khan (Society for Muslim Advancement)
Peter Gadiel, (son killed on 9/11)
Donna O’Connor (daughter killed on 9/11)
Brad Garrett (ABC security expert)
Robert Spencer (Jihad Watch)
Osama Bahloul (Imam in Tennessee)
Azar Nafisi (author)
Reza Aslan (author)
Gary Bauer (activist)
Ayaan Hirsi Ali (activist)
Anjem Choudary (from London)

Amanpour: should Americans be terrified of Islam?

Gadiel: yes they’re very scary

O’Connor: we should fear all criminals be they muslims, professional athletes, investment bankers or members of Congress

Amanpour: Franklin G you say Islam is wicked
and evil

Graham: Muslims want to build mosques and convert people here and since I don’t have that freedom in muslim countries America should be
like them and take away freedom

Amanpour: I see

Graham: I love muslims - I just think they are satanic

Bahloul: the oldest Christian churches in the
world are in Egypt and Syria

Spencer: Muslims don’t respect women
which is terrible

Khan: there are muslims serving in the American armed forces and the NYPD

Nafisi: I fled Islam extremism in Iran - but I came to America seeking religious freedom not expecting more religious repression

Graham: well you chose wrong honey

Aslan: I must say I’m surprised to hear Graham say he wants to replicate Saudi law here in the
United States

Graham: look I was 8 years old when I first decided Islam was evil so I know what I’m talking about
- they burn churches!

Aslan: who is ‘they’ you idiotic bigot?

Nafisi: who is a real Christian - Sarah Palin,
Christine O’Donnell, Mel Gibson, the Pope?

Graham: oh sure single out the crazy ones

Amanpour: true

Graham: there are lots of wonderful muslims

Amanpour: then why do you say they are wicked

Graham: because Sharia law says you can beat your wife which Christians would never do

Khan: I quit a lucrative corporate career to
promote moderate Islam

Amanpour: that’s a hell of a choice

Khan: the terrorists didn’t just hijack a plane -
they hijacked a whole religion!

Choudary: let me just say that Islam has a solution for all of the problems that mankind faces

Amanpour: even 3-D movies?

Choudary: Allah condemns it!

Amanpour: what else?

Choudary: 9/11 was a reaction to US support for the Pirate state of Israel!

Amanpour: aye the torrrahhh

Choudary: I hate stereotyping - real Muslims must submit to the Creator!

Khan: I’m a real muslim too you twit

Choudary: hey Daisy you can’t be a vegetarian
and eat beef

Khan: hey dipshit who died and made you King of Islam?

Choudary: put on a burka baby

Graham: I like that dude

Choudary: let the flag of Islam fly over the
White House!

Graham: there you see what I mean - help help
I’m being repressed

O’Connnor: I’m no expert but it seems to me that there are good and bad people in all religions

Graham: they believe that Sharia should govern all the world which is a terrible attitude since we all know right-wing Christianity should rule America

Aslan: dudes get a room

Graham: young males come out of mosques and are all suicide bombers and they want to destroy America

Hirsi Ali: Islam has a political side and is
very very dangerous

Amanpour: should we be scared?

Garrett: terrorism is minor compared to real threats like Sharktopus or Michael Bay

Gadiel: I’m not saying Islam is evil - I’m just saying that we should be assume all Muslims are
secret terrorists who are planning to kill white Christian Americans

Amanpour: what about freedom?

Gadiel: How do we know Daisy Khan is not engaging in takia lying for the purpose of
furthering radical islam

Khan: this is shocking - I’m not a terrorist

Gadiel: why should I believe you?

Khan: you call me a murderer but you don’t know me or what takia even means

Gadiel: It means lying for the purpose of furthering your religion

Khan: why would I do that?

Gadiel: aren’t you instructed to do that?

Khan: no I’m not you moron

Gadiel: I just assumed - Christians do it all the time

Amanpour: are you saying she’s a terrorist?

Gadiel: no but I’m just saying we should drown her and if she floats she’s a witch

O’Connor: you ask for moderate muslims to step up and yet Daisy is moderate and you attack her

Khan: you make it hard for moderates when you call me an extremist and lump me in with Al Qaeda

Ali: you’re not a victim - you’re on tv

Khan: I’m not the one with a bodyguard Hirsi

Bauer: well she needs one and you don’t

Khan: oh I need one - I live in NYC

Bauer: New York City is a wonderful tolerant place which is why I despise it

Amanpour: right

Bauer: Muslims are inherently violent people
as we all know

Amanpour: so why not promote moderate muslims like those building a mosque near ground zero

Bauer: I like that mosque and believe that should be built anywhere in New York City -- except ground zero because that is where evil men worship death

Amanpour: enough about Dick Cheney

Bahloul: our mosque in Tennessee was vandalized and we’re peaceful people!

Bauer: so you claim

Amanpour: politicians are exploiting fear of Islam

Bauer: no Muslims are cheaply playing the
victim card

Amanpour: but does all the anti-muslim rhetoric
lead to violence?

Bauer: no because synagogues are being desecrated in Europe!

Spencer: Muslims are vandalizing their own mosques to make people feel sorry for them
- well we’re not going to fall for it ragheads!

Aslan: that asshole is crazy and a liar

Spencer: 80% of mosques are violent

Amanpour: where does this anti-Islam feeling
come from

Aslan: silly neo-nazis and bigots

Spencer: some guy somewhere a long time ago said something stupid therefore all muslims are bad

Amanpour: okay then

Amanpour: why are you opposed to a moderate community center in an old Burlington Coat factory in lower Manhattan

Gadiel: because radicals could take it over!

Amanpour: but is there any evidence that would happen?

Garrett: no

O’Connor: it’s not at Ground Zero and it’s not a mosque it’s a community center - but in any case this is supposed to be free country isn’t it?

Graham: this woman is throwing American values of freedom and liberty out at us - but we all know those are outdated

Khan: so now we have Muslims defending American freedom more than Franklin Graham!

Graham: they shouted Allah Akbar!

Amanpour: Daisy will you move the community center?

Khan: no because American values should prevail

Graham: harrumph!

Amanpour: and that’s the end of this
fascinating debate