Tuesday, August 31, 2010

President Obama Oval Address - August 31, 2010


Good evening my fellow long-suffering Americans

I want to tell you we getting the hell out of the nightmare that is Iraq and we can finally focus
on the endless misery in America

Audience: woo

Now listen up world: we’re still America and we may have acted like idiots but don’t fuck with us!

World: ok ok

Ok now you all know that the result of the war is thousands of Americans were killed and wounded and our international relations were ruined -- but hey good news - our soldiers are the best in the fucking world! Give it up for our troops!

Audience: yay

Tonight I am announcing that the killing phase of our war in Iraq is finally over! Jesus Allah that was one sucky war!

We’ve moved 100,000 troops and all their shit out of Iraq.

And how about those Iraqi troops?! In took 7 years but they finally learned how to fight!

Audience: whee

Iraqis are even holding fair elections
- hey we should try that!

Audience: golf clap

Now don’t worry - we’re not leaving Iraq! We’re going to advise them on fighting and of course we’re protect our “civilians” - I sent Joe Biden there to remind them America never leaves - we just annoy other countries in new and different ways!

World: I hear that

Only Iraqis can police their streets! Well them
and Blackwater.

We paid a really high price to invade Iraq and dammit we should get something out of it!

That war really divided America but let’s not argue about who lied to who about a war

Today I spoke with former President Bush - and let me just say it was a very interesting conversation

Ok the man is stupid

Audience: true

Now is not the time to fight amongst ourselves - Osama is hiding in a cave somewhere threatening Americans!

Now we are going on the motherfuckin offense! We’re going to kick some Taliban ass!! Surge, fuckers!

Audience: USA!

But then we gotta get the hell out of there - look I’m no fool and open ended war is a one-ticket to disaster. Christ we can’t just invade every place where we’re not loved. I mean we don’t have enough troops to occupy France anyway

Audience: damm

Speaking of Bush disasters, as you know we neglected infrastructure, manufacturing, education, the debt, and the economy for 10 years.

Audience: bummer

Our soldiers fought for 10 years in fucking deserts and y’all waved flags and put magnets on your cars - but are you white people willing to work put this country back together??

Audience: ummm

Well it’s time to get to work, pay our taxes and serve our veterans! Like, mental health care, new limbs and yes even a college education -- did you know my white grandpa fought in WWII? Yes he did and he was not a muslim! Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Over 4,000 Americans were killed in Iraq which last time I checked is more than died on 9/11. That’s some pretty whacked-out-shit isn’t it? Ok, so no fancy surrender ceremony, sorry. This address is all you get. But I love you soldiers - you are the steel in our ship of state and the wind beneath my wings. Love ya!

Goodnight white fuckers!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Meet the Press from New Orleans - August 29, 2010

Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-La.)
Mayor Mitch Landrieu (D-N.O.)
Actor Brad Pitt
Radio host Garland Robinette
Author Douglas Brinkley
Actor Wendell Pierce
Williams: Hi the Hurricane anniversary is too important to leave to that Dancin Dave Gregory -
it requires the most insufferably pompous man in television

Audience: yay

Williams: I’m here with U.S. Senator Mary Landrieu and baseball great Cal Ripken

Mitch: no I’m Mitch Landrieu

Williams: who the hell is that?

Mitch: I’m the Mayor of New Orleans

Williams: no shit

Mitch: yep

Williams: We got Nothin’ but Landrieus!

Williams: was it a natural disaster?

Mitch: this was a man-made disaster - the motherfuckin levees broke!

Williams: why should anyone give a shit about
your city?

Mitch: we have the greatest culture in America

Williams: well thank god we have a white Mayor again - you guys are the Cajun Camelot!

Mitch: boo ya!

Williams: you’re white so you’re blameless right?

Mary: the hurricane was great opportunity to remake South Louisiana - the nation has been looting this area for decades!

Williams: George Bush said he would do what it would whatever it takes to fix New Orleans

Mary: unsurprisingly that turned out to be total bullshit

Williams: but Mississippi did great

Mary: Haley Barbour may claim that but that isn’t true either

Williams: Mitch would you ever walk in black neighborhood without a bodyguard and an
armored car?

Mitch: sure I do it all the time

Williams: you’re kidding

Mitch: no really

Williams: Katrina was the best thing ever to happen to the schools of New Orleans

Mitch: well that’s not well put but it’s nice that
FEMA rebuilt every school

Williams: people in the U.S. think y’all is crazy because your state was soaked in oil and your first reaction is ‘let’s keep drilling!’

Mary: [ puts down cell phone ]
Sorry I was checking with the oil companies
before formulating my answer

Williams: what did they tell you to say

Mary: Oil companies are the loveliest best most sincere people on earth

Williams: I see

Williams: Please bash President Obama for me

Mitch: no he did a great job - BP was outrageously irresponsible

Williams: ok please bash Ray Nagin for me

Mitch: look the levees broke and Bush let us down - the rest is irrelevant

Williams: Glen Beck got 300,000 people to ask god to stop by and say hello

Mary: that moron may not know that God has always blessed America and his hate government agenda is fucking stupid

Williams: what do the Saints winning the Superbowl mean to New Orleans

Mitch: now that was God talking Brian -
it was redemption and resurrection!

Williams: Brad you’re a big star - why are you here

Pitt: I love the smell

Williams: what else

Pitt: it’s got verve

Williams: you’re building homes but what if they
get destroyed again?

Pitt: the homes are safe but the levees could
still break

Williams: well that seems like a problem

Pitt: it’s up to the Corps of Engineers

Williams: but they fucked up in the first place

Pitt: true

Williams: BP is so wonderful they took your slogan

Pitt: god I hate those dastardly thieving motherfuckers

Williams: are these Green houses

Pitt: it’s the Greenest area in the whole world -
they produce more energy than they use

Williams: ironic they don’t need the oil they despoil their state to provide for everyone else

Pitt: right

Williams: what happened here 5 years ago?

Robinette: we saw America reduced to a third-world nation it was mind boggling

Williams: I asked George Bush about this and he said you can call me anything you want-

Audience: oh good

Williams: but he said don’t call me a racist

Audience: stupid, incompetent, dishonest?

Bush [at home, drunk]: aw c’mon Robby I did a heckofa job!

Robniette: you can’t deliver food and water to trapped Americans - it doesn’t make any goddam sense!

Williams: it does seem like something you wouldn’t see on the Vineyard

Robinette: we’re the canary in the coal mine - America we are your future - look on us and despair!

Williams: Wendell you come from black neighborhood with a low crime rate - it’s amazing

Pierce: the rebuilding is like a grassroots
Marshall Plan

Brinkley: don’t forget Mississippi

Williams: Hey I passed over Mississippi

Williams: David what is New Orleans?

Brinkley: this is a great historic city but let’s not overstate the case - it’s mostly criminals, cancer
and corruption

Williams: but the Saints!

Brinkley: fuck that - you need to save the wetlands and end the third-world mentality that pervades this place

Robinette: hey America - you want to pay $5 a gallon for gas - keep it fucking up!

Williams: oh noes

Robinette: people are short-sighted and when you ask them to actually think they get a dull glaze on their eyes

Williams: speaking of that here’s an old clip from Meet The Press showing how the federal government failed 5 years ago

Pierce: that disaster lifted the veil on racism in America - it’s an indictment of the nation and if we are going to move past it we have to confront race and class and education in America and then work together to make it right

Brinkley: Katrina showed real poverty in America - but this shit is al over in America

Williams: Rob glass half-full or empty?

Robinette: half-full for New Orleans -
half-empty for America

Williams: and that’s another edition of
Meet The Press

This Week - August 29, 2010

Arne Duncan: Sec. of Education
Randi Weingarten: President AFT
Michelle Rhee
Jamie Oliver
Amanpour: Good morning - American kids perform worse than kids from Azerbijian but we’re still kicking Somalia’s ass - I think

Audience: yay

Amanpour: don’t worry America a former pro-basketball player is on the case

Amanpour: Arne what’s your plan to put U.S.
kids ahead of Estonia?

Duncan: we need to pay teachers based on how
well kids do

Amanpour: do you hate teachers?

Duncan: no I love teachers in general just not specifically

Weingarten: you have to look at teacher performance data in context

Duncan: it empowers teachers by publishing data
on how well their kids do

Amanpour: Michelle are you getting rid of
deadwood teachers

Rhee: we now evaluate teachers based on their kids scores and if they can recite the pledge of allegiance and how much chalk they use

Amanpour: the teachers contract is very thick and it makes it difficult to fire bad teachers

Weingarten: hey states with teachers unions do really well

Amanpour: yeah but we need to get rid of the bad teachers - that will save America

Weingarten: well fine - let’s improve teacher evaluation but let’s also admit teachers want to do well and teachers are not the real problem

Duncan: we have get kids ready for a college education they can’t possibly afford

Rhee: the best teachers will get a bonus and they really stupid ones will have to go into investment banking or on Fox news

Duncan: teachers need to know science like how early man celebrated Christmas by riding
to the edge of the earth on dinosaurs

Weingarten: we could base Arne Duncan’s pay
on his performance

Duncan: um now hold on a minute

Weingarten: Finland teaches kids better than we do

Amanpour: well sure it’s dark 10 months a year

Rhee: we need aggressive principals who are will kick some teacher ass

Duncan: we’ve dumbed down education standards for years and the result is Dancing with the Stars
and the Glen Beck rally

Amanpour: good point

[ break ]

Amanpour: we have an obesity problem in America because public school food makes kids fat

Kessler: the brains of millions of Americans are being hijacked by fat and ignorance

Amanpour: enough about Rush Limbaugh

Amanpour: 1 in 3 American kids are fat and the British kids are weighed in stones

Oliver: the solution is not rocket science -
just eat healthier

Amanpour: but people love junk food

Oliver: sure - fries are delicious

Amanpour: so can you succeed?

Oliver: yes and healthy food raises test scores

Amanpour: what can Congress do?

Oliver: they can pass a bill to spend $4 billion and save $100 billion; save millions of lives and make
the nation more competitve

Amanpour: so your saying it’s far-sighted and a no-brainer

Oliver: right

Amanpour: and you expect it to get through Congress?

Oliver: I educated people in West Virginia and if I can do it there I can do it on Capitol Hill

Amanpour: David Letterman says crappy food is Big Business so you can’t succeed

Oliver: He may be right but McDonald’s changed in Europe due to public pressure - in England they make healthy food and in France they have the ‘Royale with cheese’

Amanpour: awesome

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Meet The Press - August 22, 2010

Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
Gov. Granholm (D-MI)
Dick Armey (Tea Party)
Rick Lazio (R-candidate for Gov)
Paul Gigot (Wall St. Journal)
Katty Kay (BBC)
Jeffrey Goldberg (Atlantic)

Gregory: should Muslims be allowed to have a community center near the world trade center?

McConnell: that’s a local issue but President Obama should never have spoken in support of
freedom of religion

Gregory: but what’s your opinion

McConnell: that’s up to New York City but I would hope they would take into consideration what
people in Kentucky think

Gregory: wasn’t Obama wrong support religious freedom?

McConnell: oh yes - it’s just a zoning issue therefore freedom doesn’t matter

Gregory: don’t play dumb Mitch - your entire party has attacked this mosque

McConnell: oh not at all - we’re very angry about debt and the Washington takeovers

Gregory: why do people think Obama is a Muslim?

McConnell: because Obama started a recession
in 2007

Gregory: are you always this stupid?

McConnell: yes

Gregory: but why do people believe falsehoods?

McConnell: I have no idea - I get my information
from Fox news

Gregory: how do you pay for the tax cuts you want?

McConnell: it’s outrageous to raise taxes
in a recession

Gregory: so how will you pay for it?

McConnell: I don’t have to pay for it since it would be raising taxes not cutting them

Gregory: c’mon moron - we’re running a deficit
and you know it

McConnell: you don’t increase taxes in a recession and Obama has been President for 3 years

Gregory: with all due respect do you want to cut the debt or cut taxes

McConnell: you can’t raise taxes

Gregory: you’re not answering my question

McConnell: Obama has imposed paperwork!

Gregory: do you or do you not have a plan to pay
for one trillion in lost taxes

McConnell: no - we have to cut spending

Gregory: well that’s what I was asking about!

McConnell: Obama has a debt commission which I hope will recommend cutting medicare and medicaid

Gregory: why do you need a Democratic President’s commission to tell you what to cut?

McConnell: why should we discuss political issues between now and elections where the entire House of Representatives and much of the Senate are up for election??

Gregory: what about your election prospects?

McConnell: we’re offensive

Gregory: I noticed

Gregory: the Tea Party is awesome isn’t it

McConnell: I love the Tea Party and they discovered spending and debt after a black guy became President

[ break ]

Gregory: Obama said religious freedom is unshakeable as long as local laws are followed which created a firestorm of controversy

Granholm: I heard that this is a peaceful sect so maybe we should let him have religious freedom

Gregory: interesting

Granholm: I checked up on him and he seems like one of the good ones

Gregory: dick there are some good Muslims so maybe we should let them build it after all

Armey: Obama trashed the Constitution on health care which he means he’s whimsical!

Granholm: oh my god

Gregory: tea party candidates are against civil rights, the U.N., social security, income tax, and the 14th amendment

Armey: look they may be crazy but they all won
their GOP primary

Granholm: I’m not sure that electing lunatics is the best strategy to get us out of this serious recession

Gregory: what is?

Granholm: government smartly investing and working with business to develop jobs and infrastructure

Armey: or we could eliminate Medicare

Gregory: is the Tea Party going to take over the GOP?

Armey: Republicans need the courage to come against the Civil Rights Act

Granholm: I don’t think people want to get rid of Medicare

Armey: I don’t want to get rid of Medicare -
I just want to make it voluntary

Granholm: oh ok

Armey: shouldn’t Christian Scientists be allowed to opt-out of social programs?

Granholm: no

Armey: that’s whimsical!

Gregory: should we really raise taxes on the rich?

Armey: the U.S. Government is Porky Pig!

Granholm: yes we should build this economy on the backs of the richest 2 percent

[ break ]

Gregory: ok let's talk about the incredible controversy everyone is concerned about over building in lower Manhattan

Audience: St. Vincent's hospital?

Gregory: No no the really big story over the foreign invasion that everyone in New York City is freaking out about

Audience: oh of course - bedbugs

Gregory: no no I mean the 9/11 Ground Zero Mosque

Audience: oh that silly bullshit

Gregory: rick you were humiliated by Hillary Clinton and have no credibility - tell us why you hate the mosque

Lazio: this imam said the U.S. created Osama bin Laden and I’m not saying we should have a cap on all mosques and all I’m saying this mosque should be banned

Goldberg: that’s crazy - this imam once said ‘i’m a Jew’ which is very brave since bacon is delicious

Gregory: Karen Hughes who has no credibility says if we have freedom for religion the terrorists will celebrate it as a victory over freedom

Gigot: it doesn’t matter who is right - they are not uniting people therefore they are wrong

Gregory: but who’s fault it that?

Gigot: their fault for being too muslim-y

Gregory: Newt Gingrich says all Muslims are Nazis

Kay: dudes you are making America look insane

Lazio: we know that Muslims are patriots and they can have freedom - just not in New York City

Goldberg: worldwide Islam is complex and painting them with a broad brush sends a very bad message

Gigot: look we’re not saying people can’t build mosques all over the world-

Gregory: mighty white of you

Gigot: just not at this holy Christian site which is sanctified by porn shops and a skyscraper

Gregory: look we all want freedom just not near where so many white people died

Kay: Fluffy I heard you were a moron

Lazio: this mosque might have ties to Iran!

Gregory: Jeff you say Israel is planning to bomb Iran

Goldberg: Obama is being prudent and has given Iran a way out while imposing sanctions - but Iran is close and Israel is ready to strike

Gregory: look our are troops leaving Iraq - too bad
gosh it was such a fun war

Gregory: let me quote a right wing editorial wall street journal that we won in Iraq - USA! USA! USA!

Gigot: we gave them a Republic - aren’t we wonderful?

Gregory: we are true heroes

Gigot: hopefully Iraq can serve our purposes

Gregory: I loved that war - rick can we go back?

Lazio: absolutely - but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t start other new, fun wars

Gregory: I like it

Lazio: we left this epic disaster with honor

Kay: while Gigot does the touchdown end zone dance it’s worth remembering that this was a war based on lies costing billions and thousands of lives and was almost a total failure

Gregory: sure but other than that it was great


This Week with guest Hamid Karzai- August 22, 2010

August 22, 2010
Hamiz Karzai - President of Afghanistan
Daisy Khan - American Society for Muslim Advancement
Rabbi Joy Levitt

Amanpour: Hey Afghanistan still isn’t very peaceful

Soldier: If I see a stranger walking around I get suspicious and tail them

Audience: so it’s like Greenwich Connecticut

Soldier: we will root out the fuckin Taliban

Amanpour: President Karzai can you reach an agreement with our new best friends the Taliban

Karzai: oh sure they just have to promise to keep
the craziness to a minimum

Amanpour: that’s nice but women’s groups are worried that the Taliban are not exactly feminists

Karzai: oh they shouldn’t worry their pretty heads

Amanpour: but the Taliban stoned a couple to
death last week

Karzai: yeah that was pretty shocking

Amanpour: can you win this war or not

Karzai: yes but first we have to admit we did everything wrong for the last 9 years

Amanpour: like what specifically

Karzai: like killing civilians, corruption, mercenaries-

Amanpour: you’re not a fan of private contract killers?

Karzai: no I’m not - surprisingly the government doesn’t approve of a parallel foreign corporate shadow government which rules by terror at night

Amanpour: by they protect you and diplomats
and aid groups

Karzai: look if the U.S. needs private contractors that’s fine but they can’t just roam the streets killing people

Amanpour: that’s the army’s job

Karzai: exactly

Amanpour: but the Afghan people still haven’t learned how to kill people - the US hasn’t taught them how since it’s only been 9 years

Karzai: that’s insane Christiane -

Amanpour: is it?

Karzai: yes of course we know how to fight - but Afghans take money to fight with private contractors

Amanpour: fascinating

Karzai: maybe the US taxpayer should worry about whether they are paying for thugs who are hurting the war effort

Amanpour: but if you disband these wonderful contractors won’t they all become terrorists?

Karzai: if that’s true they should be disbanded tomorrow!

Amanpour: one of your close aides was arrested and then released because you intervened

Karzai: fucking right Christiane - he was kidnapped in the name of law enforcement

Amanpour: oh I see

Karzai: I am the fucking President you know

Amanpour: but corruption is real problem

Karzai: I wouldn't know - I don’t work for Disney
or General Electric

Amanpour: thanks Hamid

[ break ]

Amanpour: Ms. Khan your lower manhattan community center is controversial why not work with victim’s families

Khan: we’ve been working with 9/11 families all along

Levitt: we have a JCC so why not have similar community center

Amanpour: so will it have those scary minarets?

Kahn: well there’s a swimming pool-

Amanpour: okay

Kahn: and a meeting place to exchange ideas and preach tolerance

Amanpour: well no wonder the right wingers
are so mad

Khan: mmm

Amanpour: Gov. Paterson said people who live down there are upset

Khan: the few people who live there approved it

Amanpour: shouldn’t you have reached out to people who hate you

Levitt: indeed Jews reach out to neo-Nazis whenever they build a community center

Amanpour: really?

Levitt: no of course not

Amanpour: Newt Gingrich says all Muslims are Nazis

Levitt: forgive me but he’s an asshole

Khan: he really is an ignorant dick isn’t he

Amanpour: is there any foreign funding for your community terror center

Khan: we will adhere to all the laws of New York state

Amanpour: but what about the special laws that only apply Muslims

Khan: what are those?

Amanpour: like when your husband said the U.S. once supported Osama bin Laden

Khan: what he said was true

Amanpour: but it wasn’t a very nice thing
to point out

Amanpour: Is America Islamaphobic?

Khan: gee let me think - yes

Levitt: sure it is

Amanpour: will you go ahead with your hateful swimming center?

Khan: you bet Chrissie


Sunday, August 15, 2010

Meet The Press with Gen. Petraeus - August 15, 2010

David Gregory
Guest: Gen. David Petraeus

Gregory: General you’re handsome and I love you

Petraeus: I am awesome aren’t I?

Gregory: you do pushups and protect mosques

Petraeus: I could kick your ass

Gregory: but I’m taller

Petraeus: only if you count your hair Fluffy

Gregory: is it you job to pull out by next year?

Petraeus: our job is to build on the failures of
the last nine years

Gregory: I see

Petraeus: Barack told me to come Afghanistan
and kick some ass and take some names

Gregory: oh that’s really cool

Petraeus: the buck stops with him

Gregory: but you’re on my tv

Petraeus: true

Gregory: can Hamid Karzai be trusted?

Eikenberry: absolutely - he can be counted on to enrich himself and his family without regard to ethics

Gregory: well can’t we all

Gregory: hey audience I got to fly on a helicopter!!

Petraeus: we’re going to imitate BP and create a Giant Oil Spot of Peace

Gregory: a Gusher of Tranquility that cannot be contained?

Petraeus: exactly

Gregory: Look at this regional Governor pretend in front our tv cameras that he loves America

Audience: woo-hoo

Gregory: and then there was rocket fire

Petraeus: oh that just a little celebration

Gregory: so it’s like Detroit

Petraeus: all we have to is kill anyone who can pull
a trigger and we’ll be fine

Gregory: why is this America’s longest war and why aren’t we making any progress?

Petraeus: oh but we’re making small pockets of progress

Gregory: small pockets? It’s been 9 fucking years!

Petraeus: true but now Obama has tripled the number of American civilians here

Gregory: what are they going to do?

Petraeus: we’re going to keep sending lawyers until they surrender

Gregory: but can you win without the support of the American people

Petraeus: 9/11 9/11 9/11

Gregory: Did McChrystal getting fired give you a sad?

Petraeus: No - now I am the top dog in the Pentagon and we’ve all linked arms and are doing
a happy dance

Gregory: Wikileaks is going to put out another 15,000 pages - what’s in it?

Petraeus: these are unimportant documents and leaking them was a horrible betrayal of trust

Gregory: do the documents contain any secrets?

Petraeus: my god man - those papers had the
KFC 11 herbs and spices

Gregory: holy shit

Gregory: can you save this just like you won Iraq
by yourself?

Petraeus: If I can’t do it Dancing Dave no one can

Gregory: how horrible is Obama for setting a deadline for leaving American’s longest quagmire?

Petraeus: he isn’t and you’re an idiot

Gregory: you just gave the wrong answer so please change it and bash Obama

Petraeus: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: we were getting along so well

Petraeus: the deadline actually helps concentrate the minds of the wackos here

Gregory: Can’t you persuade Obama to stay in Afghanistan please?

Petraeus: [ punches Gregory in the face ]

Gregory: Ow!

Gregory: what kind of relationship do you have with President Karzai?

Petraeus: we’re going steady and I’m over the moon

Gregory: but he’s corrupt

Petraeus: he may be a bastard but he’s our bastard

Gregory: I like it

Petraeus: he fired a guy for being incorrectly corrupt so there’s that

Gregory: do you like him?

Petraeus: he’s the President of a sovereign nation which just happens to be occupied by the USA

Gregory: why don’t we just get rid of him?

Petraeus: he’s the President!

Gregory: he’s a puppet

Petraeus: he’s the Lambchop of Central Asia

Gregory: what’s the deal with the Taliban?

Petraeus: they’re pretty scary

Gregory: why don’t the Afghan people just rise up and defeat the Taliban?

Petraeus: people here survive by being Professional Chameleons

Gregory: like that Geico lizard?

Petraeus: right

Gregory: Afghans are sitting on the fence

Petraeus: that’s how you get stuck in the ass

Gregory: but people are waiting for us to leave and then we’re screwed

Petraeus: how so?

Gregory: who will resolve Afghan zoning disputes
if not us?

Petraeus: interesting point

Gregory: what do you say to people who say we can’t win

Petraeus: we’re not going to turn Afghanistan into Switzerland

Gregory: with mountains, secrecy, war criminals and money laundering?

Petraeus: ok maybe we will

Gregory: what’s winning?

Petraeus: a government that allows outside investment

Gregory: now we’re talking

Gregory: can you point out on this map where Osama is?

Petraeus: the Taliban control this area the size
of California

Gregory: oh my

Petraeus: wait - there’s more - we also have enemies in the south, the north, the center and the mountains near Pakistan

Gregory: that seems like a problem

Petraeus: the Taliban are egregious!

Gregory: I don’t think you can say that word on NBC

Gregory: are we giving money to our enemies?

Petraeus: look if America has learned anything, it’s this: money solves everything

Gregory: where’s Osama?

Petraeus: he’s hiding in the mountains protected by religious fanatics

Gregory: he’s in Utah?

Gregory: don’t we have to stay in Afghanistan because of Time magazine’s cover?

Petraeus: well that’s silly but yes

Gregory: what prizes do we win here

Petraeus: we’ll get some lovely parting gifts

Gregory: so why stay?

Petraeus: the Time magazine cover says it all

Gregory: of course

Petraeus: or we can turn Afghanistan in an American colony with a Silk Road and take all their minerals

Gregory: ooh a bit of a history lesson

Petraeus: no - George W. Bush actually tried to build a road made of silk

Gregory: how did that go?

Petraeus: not so well

Gregory: did we win in Iraq?

Petraeus: it’s too soon to say - wait 50 years

Gregory: Was George Bush really a great President in spite of his terrible record?

Petraeus: we he did belatedly order even more troops into combat there which was very courageous

Gregory: yes who would have thought he would defy everything we know about him and send soldiers to fight more wars

Petraeus: indeed

Gregory: should we bomb Iran?

Petraeus: we could if ordered to

Gregory: what are you reading?

Petraeus: Kipling

Gregory: White Man’s Burden!

Gregory: Will you please run for President?

Petraeus: No

Gregory: [ sobs ]


ABC's This Week - August 15, 2010

Host: Christiane Amanpour
Sen. Bob Corker (R-TN)
Fmr. Governor Jon Corzine (D-NJ)
Laura Tyson
Martin Regalia - Chamber of Commerce
Amanpour: hi everyone the economy still sucks
as many of you may have noticed

Audience: um yeah

Regalia: as an expert I can say that unemployment
is bad

Tyson: we should help unemployed people
and also try to create jobs

Amanpour: wow

Tyson: hey those stimulus jobs are right around
the corner

Amanpour: excellent

Tyson: also send people to college - all those people seem to have jobs

Amanpour: Bob how is it going in your state?

Corker: things are going great although some rural areas lack indoor plumbing

Amanpour: what’s the solution

Corker: we have to calm down in Washington and stop giving doing things because businesses are very confused about whether they should hire people who now have access to health care

Corzine: oh bullshit - George Bush lost $17 trillion and let third-world countries pass us by while he pranced around on aircraft carriers

Tyson: hey I noticed that this nation is falling apart and our kids aren’t going to school - maybe we could address that

Amanpour: interesting notion

Regalia: if taxes were lower things would be awesome

Corker: we definitely need to build infrastructure and invest but first we need to cut taxes and spending and stop debating little issues like the economy
and concentrate on big issues like bringing back voodoo economics

Corzine: more bullshit - the economy grew like gangbusters after Clinton raised taxes in 1993

Amanpour: interesting

Corzine: yeah I lost my election but come this fall you’ll see I won’t be the only one

Amanpour: Germany is doing well - why is that?

Tyson: the Germans have high taxes and are building useful products while we lead the world in stupefying reality tv shows

Regalia: TAX CUTS!

Corker: what he said


Sunday, August 01, 2010

Meet The Press - August 1, 2010

Admiral Mullen - Chair Joint Chiefs
Gov. Ed Rendell - (D-PA)
Mike Bloomberg - Mayor of New York
Alan Greenspan
Doris Goodwin
Mark Halperin
August 1, 2010

Gregory: Admiral I love your epaulets

Mullen: thanks

Gregory: don’t these Wikileaks prove the war was a colossal waste of time

Mullen: no it proves that it WAS a huge mistake - but that was in the past - now we’re beginning to make great progress so it’s all good

Gregory: why the fuck can’t we get Al-Qaeda?

Mullen: Obama is sending more troops

Gregory: now we need more troops - jesus

Mullen: we said this we would be a tough year but in 12 months we’ll know whether this new phase of the was also a complete waste

Gregory: the Taliban attacks our troops from Pakistan so we need them but they hate us

Mullen: look I’m not going to mince words - we may need to go to war with them too

Gregory: what?!

Mullen: no I’m just pulling your leg Fluffy

Gregory: oh good

Mullen: look we’re not going to win overnight - we’re going to lose over a period of years and years

Gregory: ah I see

Mullen: then we may have to tangle with India

Gregory: is Pakistan with us or against us?

Mullen: both

Gregory: what a relief

Gregory: will you make a deal with the Taliban?

Mullen: we sent Howie Mandel there already

Gregory: Look at this gruesome biased Time magazine cover

Mullen: eww

Gregory: are we there to protect the women of Afghanistan?

Mullen: no

Gregory: ok

Mullen: we have to protect all the people of Afghanistan

Gregory: but I thought we were there to get al qaeda?

Mullen: yes but to defeat them we must rebuild the Afghan economy, society, and civilization

Gregory: which is worse - letting Iran get a nuke or attacking Iran

Mullen: gosh Greggers that’s a tough one

Gregory: well you’re the one with the shiny shoulders

Mullen: Talk to Barack Fluffers

Gregory: can we have a new war please?

Mullen: maybe

Gregory: why are so many soldiers committing suicide?

Mullen: it could be the wars and constant redeployments

Gregory: you think

Mullen: but not only that

Gregory: thanks for coming Admiral

[ break ]

Gregory: Welcome everyone to Recovery Summer! What the hell is wrong?

Bloomberg: Well Democrats won’t cut spending and the GOP won’t raise taxes and nobody knows what the future holds so no one hires anyone

Gregory: people won’t spend so employers won’t hire and so people won’t spend

Greenspan: our problem is that America doesn’t make anything anymore - we just shuffle financial papers around

Gregory: hey that’s very lucrative

Greenspan: that’s true

Gregory: how can we reinflate the housing bubble?

Greenspan: it’s touch and go

Gregory: Ed America has run out of money

Rendell: we need stimulus and re-build infrastructure and that’s perfect because we can do both at once

Bloomberg: the stimulus went to buy flat screen tvs

Gregory: what is the unemployment level

Greenspan: it’s half past Matlock

Gregory: what does that mean?

Greenspan: the unemployment I caused is very tragic

Gregory: Mike should we let the tax cuts for the rich expire?

Bloomberg: oh no it’s much too risky

Rendell: we raised taxes in 1993 and created 23 million jobs

Bloomberg: yeah but Bill Clinton cheated by not starting any wars

Rendell: let’s cut Medicare and Medicaid and then phase in raising taxes on the rich to the incredibly high levels they were under Reagan

Gregory: Alan you said we should let the tax cuts expire

Greenspan: why should we borrow money from our grandchildren so billionaires can be even richer now?

Gregory: what a crazy idea

Gregory: hey is Wall Street different from the movie in 1987

Bloomberg: no that movie said Wall Street was a bunch of crooks

Gregory: why does corrupt evil Wall Street executives hate Obama?

Bloomberg: We’re all to blame for the excess and recession - let’s not look for villains

Gregory: but Obama doesn’t get along with the business community

Rendell: It’s terrible - so sad for Obama

Gregory: immigration!

Bloomberg: let’s be realistic - we social security cards encoded with DNA

Gregory: how is my 401(k)?

Greenspan: I have no idea but I will say this - pudding!

Gregory: will you for President in 2012

Bloomberg: no I can’t get elected - I believe in evolution

Gregory: oh well forget I said anything

[ break ]

Gregory: Doris how is Obama doing?

Goodwin: he showed feistiness in Detroit and people need that

Gregory: what about Afghanistan

Goodwin: FDR invaded North Africa because people need to be entertained

Gregory: Obama says the American worker is a great investment

Halperin: but he’s a President with high unemployment and two unpopular wars

Gregory: what a terrible record!

Halperin: we should elect Republicans!

Gregory: why is Obama so unpopular and why won’t he support Charlie Rangel

Goodwin: I know he’s not liked but I think he should argue for himself and talk about results!

Halperin: Rangel is black you know

Gregory: really?

Halperin: I read that somewhere

Gregory: Hey Chelsea got married

Goodwin: they raised a terrific kid

Halperin: people are fascinated by the Clintons

Gregory: beltway pundits are hopeless village gossips

Halperin: indeed

Gregory: and that’s Meet the Press


This Week with Christiane Amanpour - August 1, 2010

Nancy Pelosi - Speaker of the House
Bob Gates - Sec. of Defense

Amanpour: Nancy are Democrats turning against Obama’s war in Afghanistan?

Pelosi: oh not all - Republicans are turning against it too

Amanpour: are you against the war now

Pelosi: well I love the troops so I want to keep them in that quagmire

Amanpour: when do politicians finally end this nightmare

Pelosi: I have no idea

Amanpour: what does your gut tell you?

Pelosi: the facts tell me that it’s unwinnable and we’re supporting a totally corrupt government

Amanpour: so you are in favor of girls having their noses cut off?

Pelosi: hey I like women

Amanpour: sure you do

Pelosi: those girls are being attacked right now

Amanpour: Biden says we’re going to pull out 2,000 troops by next summer

Pelosi: it had better be more than that

Amanpour: you were going to drain the swamp and yet there’s Charlie Rangel wearing alligator shoes

Pelosi: let’s wait and see what investigation reveals Christie

Amanpour: pish posh

Amanpour: You are very successful Speaker and Obama drew crowds of 200,000 and yet Republicans say you suck - how did this happen??

Pelosi: I don’t see it that way

Amanpour: yet people are saying that-

Pelosi: which people?

Amanpour: you know ‘people’

Pelosi: oh ok

Amanpour: so are you nervous about November?

Pelosi: no not at all

Amanpour: yet people are saying you should be nervous

Pelosi: well ‘people’ are also saying Republicans are shitheads who wrecked this nation

Amanpour: But Gibbs said you could lose

Pelosi: heh - I don’t worry about low level flunkies

Amanpour: snap!

Amanpour: Tax cuts for the rich?

Pelosi: oh no the deficit you know

Amanpour: but you cut taxes for the middle class

Pelosi: strangely enough that’s popular

Amanpour: the GOP have turned you into a cartoonish villain

Pelosi: that only shows that they have nothing else to run on

Amanpour: why are you so angry and partisan?

Pelosi: this is about ideas - good ideas and whatever Republicans want to do

Amanpour: you’re bickering

Pelosi: no it’s an epic clash of ideas - ours and sucky ones

Amanpour: you go Nancy

[ break ]

Amanpour: Bill how can one teenager listening to Lady Gaga remove every document relating to the war in nine years?!

Gates: we’re trusted that kid!

Amanpour: that seems like a problem

Gates: yeah but soldiers on the front lines need to spend their time reading 92,000 pages of documents

Amanpour: we you angry to learn the war has been a waste of time

Gates: I had a sad - the enemy will learn all our tactics

Amanpour: a Taliban spokesman said they will get mad

Gates: uh oh

Amanpour: Wikileaks has blood on its hands!

Gates: We hate that in the military

Amanpour: does the Taliban have Stinger missiles?

Gates: no

Amanpour: do they have Stinger cocktails?

Gates: yes probably

Amanpour: should we leave that hellhole

Gates: nations around the world live in fear that the U.S. will not invade them

Amanpour: I see

Amanpour: what about the safe havens?

Gates: they’re very nice places

Amanpour: no I mean Pakistan should go in there

Gates: well that’s a lot to ask Christiane

Amanpour: well it’s seem like it might be necessary

Gates: we’re moving in that direction

Amanpour: but we’re leaving in 2011

Gates: good I’m sick of this

Amanpour: the bad guys will wait us out

Gates: we’re not leaving in 2011 - we’re thinning our ranks

Amanpour: the Taliban is planning a party in Sept. 2011

Gates: We’re gonna crash that fucking party!

Amanpour: Is American serious about Afghanistan or is it all a post-9/11 ragegasm?

Gates: Look it’s going to take time and we will have casualties

Amanpour: no shit

Gates: the war just started - give it a chance!

Amanpour: the Afghan people love us and want us there!

Gates: I know!

Amanpour: why don’t you go on tv and talk about it?

Gates: what is this - radio?

Amanpour: ha

Gates: Look Obama has been crystal clear - our mission is to degrade the Taliban and teach Afghans how to fire a gun

Amanpour: what about nation-building?

Gates: no we are there to get revenge for 9/11-

Amanpour: oh ok

Gates: -oh and also to create a new Afghan government and society

Amanpour: right

Amanpour: will you make a deal with the Taliban?

Gates: yes if they put down all their weapons and convert to Christianity

Amanpour: can you do that in one year?

Gates: no - but it’s all bullshit anyway

Amanpour: well thanks for coming