Sunday, June 27, 2010

Meet the Press - June 27, 2010

Guests:
Sen. John McCain (R-AZ)
Rep. Barbara Lee (D- )
Barry McCaffrey
Thomas Ricks
Sebastian Junger
Wes Moore
******************************

Gregory: Is there a real military solution
to Afghanistan?

Engel: no - we have to make a political deal
with Pakistan

Gregory: were the troops upset that McChrystal
was fired?

Engel: no they think he was a weasel who wouldn’t let them fight

Gregory: Sain McCain was Obama right to fire
MC Cristal?

McCain: oh yeah the guy is a total dick and I
should know

Gregory: but wasn’t McChrystal right - Obama is
a bad president!!

McCain: look we all blow off steam by calling
the boss an idiot

Meet the Press staff: that’s true

McCain: but you can’t do that in public and get
away with it

Gregory: let’s talk about the fight ahead

McCain: Afghanistan or Iraq?

Gregory: I meant my fight against Obama

McCain: oh ok

Gregory: well how is it going in Afghanistan?

McCain: it’s the same as it was for the last nine years - an absolutely terrible waste of human life
and resources

Gregory: so what should we do?

McCain: clearly we can never ever leave

Gregory: Senator we’ve been there for years with nothing to show for it!

McCain: sure but Saint Petraeus will finally get us our of there

Gregory: how so?

McCain: by convincing the enemy that we are
never leaving

Gregory: why is it so easy for the Taliban to get supporters?

McCain: because people think we might leave which is why we can never leave

Gregory: that makes sense

McCain: I’m not saying it’s not going to long and hard and difficult

Gregory: going to be??

McCain: Ho Chi Minh!!

Gregory: all the Generals support the deadline

McCain: well I don’t

Gregory: should they speak out if they don’t?

McCain: yes!

Gregory: well they didn’t

McCain: they are cowards and they don’t know military strategy like I do

Gregory: what do you want Obama to do?

McCain: issue a statement saying we will leave in 2011 but only because we’ve won not for any other reason - this will greatly confuse our enemies

Gregory: they won’t be the only ones

McCain: the Taliban pay very close attention
to what we all say and they love to parse our
idiotic statements

Gregory: that alone could bog them done and prevent them from fighting

McCain: it would change the war entirely if Obama issued a statement saying we are never leaving unless we want to leave on July 12, 2011

Gregory: what do we win in Afghanistan

McCain: we stabilize a region, kill terrorists, and tell the world that American will stick with a war no matter who useless or stupid it is

Gregory: what the best argument for staying?

McCain: Kids who come home as quadruple amputees

Gregory: so do we stay forever or do we ever leave?

McCain: yes we can leave

Gregory: when?

McCain: when it’s happy and peaceful and there’s no corruption and well I could go on and on

Gregory: will you vote for Elena Kagan?

McCain: no she weakened the military by not banning competent gay soldiers

Gregory: how’s it going in Arizona?

McCain: since I became a Senator kidnapping and murders are way way up

Gregory: are most Mexicans drug dealers?

McCain: oh no maybe half at the most

[ break ]

Gregory: Congresswoman Lee John McCain says we to put more troops in Afghanistan

Lee: good lord - this is the longest war in American history and we need to get the hell out of there!

Gregory: but Obama is leaving just when things
are getting good!

Lee: oh my god that’s crazy

Gregory: but maybe we should stay just for
the hell of it

Lee: cripes you’re a loony

Gregory: Joe Klein says we should keep our soldiers there forever

McCaffrey: he’s right - the Afghan government is clearly incompetent and useless so we should stay

Moore: no one wants to leave more than me

Gregory: so at least you think we should leave?

Moore: oh no I think we should stay

Gregory: why?

Moore: we’re finally winning!

Junger: I’ve been there since 1996 - and those hippies who want to end our longest useless should know that the Afghan people want us to stay
forever and ever

Gregory: there could be a civil war if we pull out!

Junger: right in Afghanistan it’s very dangerous-

Gregory: I meant the U.S.

Ricks: the soldiers knew McChrystal was toast but the Beltway still liked him because pundits are idiots

Gregory: what d you think should Obama do?

Ricks: he’s got to double down and send more troops to Afghanistan!

Gregory: Congresswoman don’t you agree Obama must double the troops in Afghanistan and how can and he work to make that happen?

Lee: lord almighty this is insane

Junger: 90% of Afghans love America

McCaffrey: it would be a catastrophe for the people of Afghanistan if America were to not occupy
that country

Ricks: we’re beloved there except for the child rape

Gregory: America’s enemy is gambling that America is not going to stay for ever and ever

Moore: Afghans would join their government and their army and support us except they don’t know who Karzai is or that they have a country

Gregory: I can’t help but notice that we have no actual reason to be there

Lee: Al-qaeda is not based out of some cave in Afghanistan you dick-waving idiots!

Junger: if we pull out al-qaeda will get control of the airport
- including the duty-free shops!

Ricks: if you want an endless war leave Afghanistan - if you want the war to end then we should stay

Gregory: of course

Ricks: if we leave Afghanistan will still be there -
we can’t accept that!

Gregory: how are our soldiers doing after 9 years?

Junger: they’re not scared anymore - after the first 500 firefights you get numb

McCaffrey: they way out is to build an Afghan army

Lee: I come from a military family and I have a crazy idea - maybe the best way to help troops is to end the war and get out!

Gregory: Tom how does this end?

Ricks: never - we need to keep our overstretched troops dying in the middle east to permanently maintain the oil empire

Gregory: awesome

***********************

Virtually Speaking Sundays
A Reality-Based Counterpoint to
the Sunday Talk Shows
VIRTUALLY SPEAKING SUNDAYS
A REALITY BASED COUNTERPOINT TO THE SUNDAY MORNING TALKING HEADS

Sunday, June 27, 5PM pacific, 8pm eastern

Simulcast on BlogTalkRadio
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This Week: Avedon Carol & Digby

Avedon Carol writes about American politics, captured media, captured government, censorship and health care. An anti-censorship and civil liberties campaigner, she is a sex crimes researcher , a former health counsellor and member of Feminists Against Censorship.

Digby is an American political blogger and founder of the liberal blog Hullabaloo, digby has contributed to Campaign For America's Future's blog The Big Con, Salon Magazine, Eschaton and Huffington Post, Crooks and Liars and Firedoglake.

ABC's This Week with guest CIA Director Panetta

June 27, 2010
Host:
Jake Tapper
Guest: Leon Panetta - CIA Director
***************************************

Tapper: the USA is the greatest country in the
world - so of course we are threatened in every corner of the globe

Panetta: of course

Tapper: this has been the deadliest month ever
for NATO forces - what the hell is going in Afghanistan Leon?

Panetta: lots of heroin production Tapper

Tapper: but what about our military efforts?

Panetta: we have 150,000 troops to go after
15 guys in Al Qaeda there

Tapper: that seems like overkill

Panetta: well it won’t work anyway - it’s all up
to the people of Afghanistan to embrace
the US empire

Tapper: will they?

Panetta: things are getting less worse

Tapper: is the Taliban stronger than when
Obama took office?

Panetta: well sure - but on the bright side we
killed that fascist weirdo who went around
dressed as a woman

Tapper: Rudy Giuliani?

Panetta: damm right

Tapper: what does winning in Afghanistan look like?

Panetta: no safe haven to al-qaeda or
al-qaeda-like products

Tapper: how do we do that?

Panetta: an Extreme National Makeover

Tapper: where is Osama bin Laden?

Panetta: he’s hiding in a land of violent crazed fanatics with the most difficult terrain in the world

Tapper: he’s in Arizona?

Panetta: somewhere near Flagstaff

Tapper: how come we can’t find him?

Panetta: he keeps switching cell phone plans -
he’s very wily

Tapper: what about home-grown terrorists?

Panetta: the more success we have against terrorists the more they attack us

Tapper: genius

Panetta: also they cleverly use people who have never committed a terror attack before

Tapper: so if they used people who had already been terrorists it would be easier for you?

Panetta: I should say so!

Tapper: is Obama assassinating Americans abroad?

Panetta: that dungeons & dragons playing loon declared war on America!

Tapper: but he’s an American citizen

Panetta: yes but he’s committed atrocities

Tapper: like torture?

Panetta: heh no comment

Tapper: are the extremists interested in reconciliation?

Panetta: we have seen no evidence that they are
at all interested in renouncing extreme rhetoric
and joining the political process

Tapper: but the Taliban says-

Panetta: I was talking about the Tea Party

Tapper: is the CIA breaking the law?

Panetta: heavens no - anyone who says that is dead
... wrong

Tapper: Iran is going to build a nuclear bomb!

Panetta: we have an big international coalition against them

Tapper: will that deter them?

Panetta: Probably not

Tapper: what are their intentions?

Panetta: they plan on finishing the nuke next year

Tapper: scary

Panetta: they have to obey international law which says its illegal to have nuclear weapons

Tapper: I did not know that

Panetta: they should just be responsible and build lots of defective nuclear power plans like everyone else in the family of energy hogging nations

Tapper: is Israel going to attack Iran?

Panetta: oh no no - they have such a history
of restraint

Tapper: is North Korea going to attack America?

Panetta: they are trying to establish credibility for the idiot son with no military experience by invading a country for no reason

Tapper: gosh that’s crazy

Tapper: you just gave Blackwater a huge contract even though they are essentially a criminal enterprise

Panetta: I asked the CIA to review our files and
make sure that we don’t contract out any murders
or atrocities

Tapper: you do that yourselves

Panetta: absolutely

Tapper: but why hire them now?

Panetta: we had no choice - they had a lower bid than the Shining Path or the Gambino crime family

Tapper: are CIA officials immune for their crimes?

Panetta: pretty much

Tapper: how do you sleep at night knowing all
the horrible things the government does

Panetta: it’s very inspiring knowing how dedicated out torturers are

Tapper: what really scary threat is the media not reporting enough?

Panetta: well people should know their town
could be nuked at any time

Tapper: well sure

Panetta: and also Twitter could be hacked

Tapper: oh my god!!
***********************

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Meet The Press - June 19, 2010

Guests:
Gov. Haley Barbour-(R-MS)
Sen. Mary Landrieu-(D-LA)
Rep. Ed Markey-(D-MA) House Energy and Commerce Committee
John Hofmeister-Former President of Shell Oil
Katty Kay - BBC
*********************************

Gregory: Hi everyone the worst environmental disaster in American history continues unabated

Reporter: there’s fucking red tape everywhere and
it seems like there’s nothing anyone can do and it’s really fucking maddening Fluffy!

Gregory: what’s up with that asshole CEO?

Reporter: he’s still overseeing the response -
he’s just doing it from a yacht in Britain

Gregory: Hi Governor Barbour how’s it going?

Barbour: look it sucks as long as the oil is flowing - Obama has done fine - but we need to make BP pay!

Gregory: Governor perhaps I wasn’t clear -
I wanted you to bash Barack Obama

Barbour: oh sorry

Landrieu: if it helps I think Obama could have
done better

Gregory: thank you!!

Gregory: now let’s look at the iconic image of this Presidency - an oil spill he has no control over

[ seabed spill image ]

Markey: Shockingly I think BP is to blame -
they are liars or incompetent

Gregory: sure BP isn’t so great - but aren’t we
all really to blame?

Hofmeister: absolutely - although I have to admit using mops probably wasn’t the brightest idea

Gregory: that reminds me - why didn’t Barack Obama sop up the oil by himself?

Kay: Exactly - but there is an inherent tension in that David Gregory insists Obama fix the spill but he
can’t do it because no one can

Landrieu: true - but I would like to point out we’re not relying on BP - we also have Shell and Exxon

Gregory: but that has been a criticism

Landrieu: by you

Gregory: why would the government have processes to do things?

Markey: Calm down Fluffy

Hofmeister: the lesson here is we need to build
more supertankers

Markey: Look Dancing Dave all the oil companies are incompetent and liars

Barbour: Big Government needs get ‘er done!

Gregory: Obama just like Bush promised that the Gulf would be better than before

Barbour: sure but Obama said that after so
it’s a much lower bar

Gregory: good point

Landrieu: these are America’s wetlands-

Gregory: that reminds me that Obama is a
bad President

Kay: the people in Gulf want Obama to make sure the oil industry stays in there

Gregory: what’s the frequency Kenneth?

Feinberg: I’m the man with the cash

Gregory: do you have to waive a right to file a lawsuit

Feinberg: not at all Fluffers

Gregory: what’s an illegitimate claim?

Feinberg: idiot talk show hosts don’t get compensation

Gregory: awww

Gregory: Joe Barton apologized to BP

Feinberg: ha ha - look BP has paid out $100 million already because they should and they have to

Gregory: is the money there now Ken?

Feinberg: yes and the money will keep on
flowing endlessly

Gregory: just like the oil

Feinberg: right

Gregory: is the escrow is an upfront settlement?

Feinberg: hey you want to give 40% to a lawyer
go right ahead

Lawyers: oh noe!

Landrieu: we don’t want BP to go out of business
we need them to keep drilling so they can keep paying us

Barbour: I underestimated Obama - he’s very smart - he’s got BP on a permanent payment plan forever and ever

Markey: it’s brilliant actually - he got results from BP without a government solution or getting his fingerprints all over the disaster

Gregory: that reminds me that Obama is a terrible President and another Jimmy Carter

Kay: Exactly - this plays into the narrative that Obama hates ordinary people and is not an
oil spill engineer

Gregory: my god he is an emotionless bastard

Landrieu: Obama is doing well but the proof is in the pudding

Gregory: that’s a cute saying

Landrieu: it’s not a saying - all the shrimp pudding
is contaminated with oil

Gregory: Governor Barbour would you please bash Barack Obama for me

Barbour: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: why won’t you go after the President?!?
[ starts sobbing ]

Barbour: because you’re an idiot

Gregory: But Obama will politicize this in the fall!

Barbour: Obama’s thugs did a shakedown of BP! Also he’s too cozy with BP!!

Gregory: Should we apologize to BP?

Barbour: we would have to if it was $20 billion
but since it’s $5 billion that’s ok

Gregory: isn’t the BP gulf oil spill really government’s fault?

Markey: In a way, yes! We have to stop believing businesses like Goldman Sachs or AIG or BP when they say there’s no risk when in fact they are
taking huge risks!!

Gregory: Obama should have reformed the MMS in January 2009 so this is all his fault

Hofmeister: America is a short-sighted greedy nation

Gregory: we all know that

Hofmeister: the government must create a plan that can last beyond all Presidents and various Democratic and Republican Congresses

Gregory: excellent idea

Barbour: the Obama drilling moratorium is a terrible thing - much worse than that silly minor spill

Markey: bullshit - the current bill we have would capture America’s genius and meanwhile we’re consuming 25% of the world’s oil and that’s
the real problem

Landrieu: I think we need get off oil - just not now

Gregory: when?

Landrieu: never

Gregory: I see

Landrieu: anyway environmentalists are to blame because they are so eager to kill BP that they never regulated it and now we have this terrible oil spill in the Gulf - thanks alot tree-huggers!

Gregory: and thank you all for joining this thoughtful and totally insane discussion

*********************************
VIRTUALLY SPEAKING SUNDAYS
A REALITY BASED COUNTERPOINT TO SUNDAY MORNING TALKING HEADS

SUNDAY, June 20, 5PM SLT ��
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OUR MEDIA NOT THEIRS ---- THIS WEEK: CULTURE OF TRUTH & CS KENDRICK

CULTURE OF TRUTH writes the Bobblespeak Translations, political satire wherein he recaps the Sunday morning talk shows and major appearances of national political figures. "What They're Really Saying When They're Saying What They're Saying" just about sums it up.

http://moonshinepatriot.blogspot.com/

CS KENDRICK - A financial analyst by trade, Chris writes professionally with a focus on the life insurance industry and writes 'recreationally' as cskendrick at Dailykos and other progressive blogs. Pretty much any subject is fair game for his keyboard.

http://cskendrick.dailykos.com/

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ABOUT VIRTUALLY SPEAKING SUNDAYS
A weekly news review and counterpoint to the network opinion shows. Each week, two well regarded bloggers discuss the events of the week, with an emphasis on U.S. politics and policy.

This Week with guest Rahm Emanuel - June 19, 2010

Host:
Jake Tapper
Guest:
Rahm Emanuel - White House Chief of Staff
******************************

Tapper: Hi Rahm - the CEO of BP went yachting
in Britain!

Emanuel: jesus fucking christ and people think
I have a bad image!

Tapper: he got his life back

Emanuel: if he was in Chicago I’d take him out
on a boat and he wouldn’t come back

Tapper: like Gilligan?

Emanuel: he’d sleep with the fucking fishes

Tapper: are you pleased with BP’s capping
of the well?

Emanuel: well since they haven’t then I’d say
fucking no

Tapper: so what are you doing

Emanuel: we forced BP to dig more relief wells, capture more oil and give us $20 billion for miscellaneous expenses

Tapper: if we are at war then how can we have bureaucracy which the military never has

Emanuel: hey there’s 17,000 soldiers down there ready to shoot any living thing that moves

Tapper: excellent

Emanuel: But we have to understand Louisiana is not like Florida - the politicians there are owned by an entirely different set of corporations

Tapper: Joe Barton apologized to BP getting American sand in their oil

Emanuel: well that’s the GOP for you - defend BP
for the outrage of forcing a corporation to clean up their mess

Tapper: shocking

Emanuel: if they were in charge the Republicans would arrest gulf fishermen for getting their nets
into BP god-given oil

Tapper: how do you respond the charge that you
are Che Guevaraxists

Emanuel: hey Bush just wrote checks!

Tapper: that his body couldn’t cash

Emanuel: I like to use a jawbone

Tapper: of an ass?

Emanuel: if I have to Tappster

Tapper: will Obama insist on a carbon tax?

Emanuel: that depends on what those fuckers
in Congress do

Tapper: Afghanistan is now the longest war in American history

Emanuel: except for the war on drugs, war on
cancer and war on poverty

Tapper: and war on terror

Emanuel: right - look Bush ignored Afghanistan for years and years and Obama is finally focused
on getting us out

Tapper: by sending in more troops

Emanuel: yes but they have a great police force
now with nice uniforms

Tapper: oh that’s good

Tapper: Is Bibi coming back to America?

Emanuel: yes he’s been busy attacking ships in international waters but now he’s coming to definitely make peace

Tapper: We’re in the middle of a recession so shouldn’t we have spending cuts?

Emanuel: [ punches Tapper in the face ]

Tapper: Ow!

Emanuel: sorry I always wanted to do that

Tapper: are we in a recovery

Emanuel: no doubt we’re growing the economy and adding jobs but we’re not there yet

Tapper: what do you want?

Emanuel: an energy bill, financial reform, lending to small businesses, hire teachers

Tapper: How terrible is President Obama?

Emanuel: he’s not

Tapper: [interrupting] but he does suck

Emanuel: [ lunges forward, puts Tapper in a chokehold ]

Tapper: Aaarrrgghh

Emanuel: Elections are about choices motherfucker!!

Tapper: okay okay

Emanuel: [ squeezing ] Tap out Tapper!!

Tapper: [ taps out ]

Emanuel: [ lets go ]
Obama is going to run against Joe Barton
and win dipshit!

Tapper: is Obama corrupt for offering Joe Sestak
a job in exchange nothing?

Emanuel: let me answer this way Jake
[ delivers roundhouse kick to Tapper’s head ]

Tapper: [ on the floor ]
thanks for coming Rahm

Emanuel: no thank you fucker!

**************************************

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

President Barack Oval Office Address - June 14, 2010

President Barack Obama
Oval Office Address to the Nation
Gulf Oil Spill
June 14, 2010
*************************

Hi people, it’s me, your President Barack Obama, and I want to talk to y’all about the major disaster facing America. No not the economy or unemployment or the debt or the deficit or
health care or Iraq or Afghanistan or the
fucking Middle East!

Now, as you all know BP’s total incompetence has engulfed the gulf in oil, threatened an entire region, four states, fish, shrimp, oysters, the ocean, the air, the land and probably some fourth dimension
of reality!

This crazy-ass spill has bested the greatest minds in the world, including Stephen Hawking, the kid who won the Spelling Bee and Dr. Chu, who is actually
a Nobel prize-winning android!

But I have good news nation - any day now BP is going capture 90% of the oil spilling out in the ocean! I know cause they told me themselves!

However, truth is this spill will continue for many years, which means I’m going to make those damm British twits pay - even if that means sending BP a strongly-worded letter - we’re at motherfucking war!!

I’ve got top people in charge of this like Admiral Thad Allen - now I know the man may be a little dim but he has great experience facing disasters - he once worked in the Bush administration!

I’ve got 20,000 National Guard ready to help people file lawsuits -- so state governors, activate them already!!

We’re working hard to assist Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana and Florida in this time of crisis -- with any luck they will soon enter the 20th century!!

But let’s get real people - sadly, no matter how effective our response is, we’re under siege from oil and that’s not going to change! I’ve talked to shrimpers, local residents and Alex Trebek and
we are in double fucking jeopardy!

Tomorrow I’m going to meet with that total asshole head of BP and tell him to give me some motherfucking money! And I will get it if I have to wring the scrawny neck of that foppish dick!

But honestly people, the Gulf Coast was in the shitter before all this happened -- but guess what? BP is going to rebuild it and it’s going to be better than fucking ever!

Now we need to make sure this never happens again - which is why need safe offshore drilling which of course we will continue to do! And I ask you, what better way than to have a commission of bald white unemployed men?!?

Speaking of corruption, the MMS showered with oil executives - literally! Yeah I know, it’s icky. Blech! Hey, it turns out we didn’t fire enough Bush appointees! My bad, America! But now I’m really going to kick some damn ass!!

I personally consume billions of gallons of oil each year, frankly it’s fucking delicious. Now Jimmy Carter may be have a cardigan-wearing weenie but people he was proven fucking right! We need to get off oil and get on some of that clean fucking energy! There’s a scary black cloud menacing an entire region and I’m not talking about the goddamm smoke monster!!!

Now is the freaking moment nation! America’s economy will be built on double pane widows - maybe even triple or quadruple!!! Let’s aim high, we’re the goddamn Jesusfied United States
of fucking America!!

Remember when I was a candidate and was all cool and shit? Yeah that was awesome...

Anyway - basically we need clean energy, and I’m happy to listen to Democrats who say we should use wind and solar and have energy efficient cars, and Republicans who say we should return killing to whales for their oil -- those fat lazy fuckers eat
too much anyway!!

To all those Americans with their heads up their asses who say we can’t get off oil and coal and meet the energy challenges of the future -- is that FDR said when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor??

Hells no!!! So shut the fuck up and get with the goddamn program!

I’d like to end this depressing night with a story. I met a man in the Gulf whose name was Bush or Branch or Tree Gump or some other stupid white name and at first I thought he was your average genial dumb guy but it turns out this complete idiot has gotten into some really weird shit all his life but he’s also been incredibly lucky in spite of being patently stupid - and to me that what America is like, a likable optimistic moron stumbling through life who is always sure good things will happen and they usually do even if means terrible things happen to everyone else around him, to which he is oblivious cause he is too busy sitting around saying bizarre nonsensical shit which people act like is brilliant cause he’s a rich white guy.

Anyway, that’s all I had to say. Good bless you
and good night fuckers!!

**********************************

Sunday, June 06, 2010

ABC's This Week with Jake Tapper - June 6, 2010

June 6, 2010
Guests:
Adm. Thad Allen (Cmdr. Coast Guard)
John Kerry (D-MA)
John Cornyn (R-TX)
Panel:
George Will
Liz Cheney
Arianna Huffington
Markos Moulitsas
***********************************

Tapper: Admiral it seems like half
of America is covered in oil

Allen: yep

Tapper: BP claims they are capturing most of the oil

Allen: that’s true unless they are lying

Tapper: uh oh

Tapper: what about using Saudi muslim robots?

Allen: that would never work because
they are not Jesus-approved

Tapper: is there a massive oil spill headed
for my house?

Allen: no

Tapper: oh that’s a relief

Allen: there’s dozens of them

Tapper: yikes

Tapper: have you been too trusting of BP?

Allen: when I ask them for something I get it

Tapper: but they lie to you

Allen: yes I said I get what I want

Tapper: why is this spill so bad?

Allen: it’s really fucking big!

Tapper: why can’t workers talk to the media?

Allen: I issued a directive saying the media has unlimited access except where they don’t

Tapper: ok

Tapper: Sen. Kerry - in less than a 1,000 words -
has Obama been too trusting of BP?

Kerry: oh no we put out some boats out
and it’s all great

Cornyn: I’m sick of politicians giving big unaccountable corporations too much power!

Kerry: oh that’s rich coming from a party that
put two lunatic oil men in the White House

Cornyn: but it’s been 48 days-

Kerry: hey the biggest brains in the world on top of this - they even lowered Stephen Hawking into the wellhead!

Tapper: He’s got you there turtle-man

Kerry: we import more oil than before 9/11 and India is beating us harnessing the Power of Wind!

Tapper: John Kerry knows about wind doesn't he Cornyn

Cornyn: clean power ideas like nuclear power are great but better environmental policies would
kill the American economy

Tapper: of course

Cornyn: let the Japanese hit home runs - America can bunt and hit singles or better still get hit by a Chinese pitch and draw a walk

Kerry: Babe Ruth didn’t call a motherfucking single! And by the way there are no fucking taxes in the
bill shithead!

Tapper: ok let’s move on to something less contentious like Israel killing American citizens
in international waters

Cornyn: oh come on that American provoked Israel by sailing international waters toward another
nation with baby food

Tapper: but Hamas was elected in an election Bush supported

Cornyn: whatever - the ship launched an unprovoked attack on Israel by trying to bring aid into Gaza -
it was like Pearl Harbor with wheelchairs

Tapper: but Hama controls Gaza

Cornyn: but Israel controls the sea

Kerry: Israel has the right to prevent dangerous items from being brought into Gaza

Tapper: what’s dangerous about pasta??

Kerry: hey a fusilli can put your eye out!

Tapper: scary

Kerry: Iran is trying to start a war in the Middle East

Tapper: attacking aid-bringing ships in international waters will surely put a stop to that

Cornyn: right!

Tapper: Cornyn do you have a double standard for Republicans who lie about their war records

Cornyn: oh no I don’t - but Blumenthal was wrong and Kirk is a great guy who just slipped up claiming he fought alongside Patton in Khe Sanh

Kerry: I should’ve just stayed here and gotten my damm medals out of a cracker jack box

Tapper: Rupert Murdoch told me you did

Kerry: ha that’s funny - oh wait it’s not

[ break]

Tapper: the BP CEO says he wants his life back - could he be a bigger asshole?

Will: BP has a fiduciary duty be dickish

Cheney: BP should have a daily briefing where they update people on their lies and failures

Tapper: Spike Lee says Obama should at least utter one “motherfucker” in public - it would feel so good

Moulitsas: Obama is so calm people are afraid yet another corporation is going getting away with pillaging America

Huffington: why does anyone trust BP - they have a terrible track record of ties to evil people like dictators in Nigeria, Iran and even Dick Cheney

Cheney: Obama has been dithering on the oil spill just like on terrorism and not torturing people

Huffington: I agree with Liz that Obama should stop dithering and put Dick Cheney on trial for war crimes

Cheney: Hold on a sec-

Will: Obama’s failure to regulate enough proves
that regulation doesn’t work!

Cheney: Obama caused this oil spill and he must clean it up

Huffington: you lying idiot - Dick Cheney deregulated the oil industry and BP wrecked
the economy!

Cheney: Obama should have stopped them!

Tapper: well he wants to stop offshore oil drilling

Cheney: see he’s an evil job-killing socialist!

Tapper: Hey the Israel National Rappelling Team boarded a ship this week

Cheney: Turkey launched a surprise armed attack on Israel by sailing in international waters with
a boat filled with aid

Moulitsas: look everybody but Deferment Liz knows that Israel totally fucked up

Cheney: Turkey attacked Israel’s ocean

Moulitsas: hey moron Turkey is in NATO and
Israel is not

Will: who cares - the Middle East war will begin soon and then we will have the Rapture and then the Apocalypse

Huffington: People in Gaza are really suffering and Hamas was elected

Tapper: Liz you worked at the State Dept. when Dick supported that election

Cheney: No Dick and I didn’t support that - we wanted to nuke Gaza but we were overruled

Tapper: hey speaking of institutional fuck-ups - this week baseball ruined a perfect game

Will: oh my stars perfection is overrated - look if we start demanding white people get everything right then where will be?

Moulitsas: that will be a slippery slope indeed

Tapper: that sums it up for another episode
of This Week

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