Sunday, May 30, 2010

Meet The Press - May 30, 2010

Bob Dudley (Managing Director BP)
Carol Browner - White House Energy Adviser
Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL)
Fmr. Rep. J.D. Hayworth (R-AZ)
David Brooks
E.J. Dionne

Gregory: so what went wrong dickhead

Dudley: the BP flower is the Mark of the Beast

Gregory: what happened to Top Kill Vol. 2 ?

Dudley: the Smoke Monster attacked us!

Gregory: so will the next step will work?

Dudley: really we have no idea - the robots are charge now

Gregory: when will we learn that your next
effort has failed?

Dudley: we should confirm our next failure in
about seven days

Gregory: how much oil are you spilling into the Gulf?

Dudley: somewhere between A Motherfucking Lot
and a Giant Shitload

Gregory: why so slow?

Dudley: we don’t want to make things worse

Gregory: worse? How could things be worse?

Dudley: our next move will crack the earth’s
crust and unleash the minions of satan from the
depths of hell

Gregory: it seems you are incompetent idiots who ruined America and had no plan at all

Dudley: no we had a plan to deny everything - it worked great until the oil washed up on shore

Gregory: did you lie to everyone

Dudley: look we’re frustrated too - did you know
oil is very slippery?!?

Gregory: I did actually

Dudley: ooh look at the big brain on Greggers

Gregory: should BP CEO Tony Heyward resign for destroying his company and a regional economy

Dudley: Tony Heyward is doing an awesome
job dodging responsibility for wrecking thousands of lives

[ break ]

Gregory: well that was a pretty fucking astonishing interview

Browner: it’s infuriating - this spill is destroying
a whole region

Gregory: what do we do now?

Browner: suck up all the oil with a giant straw

Gregory: who will do that?

Browner: Superman?

Gregory: but he’s not real

Browner: in theory maybe

Gregory: so assuming Superman is fiction the oil
will continue to spill until August of 2015

Browner: in that case the beaches will be re-designated “Free Oil National Park”

Gregory: excellent

Browner: once we capture the oil we can
put the oil on trial

Gregory: how bad is this?

Browner: this is biggest disaster in American history

Gregory: worse than the Civil War or the
Bush administration?

Browner: ok biggest environmental disaster

Gregory: so how do we fix it?

Browner: burn it and skim it

Gregory: is Team Obama making a big show
of being in charge?

Browner: make no mistake we’re calling the shots

Gregory: what about that $75 million cap

Browner: fuck that cap - they will pay for the motherfucking damages!

Gregory: the Republicans says Obama isn’t
socialist enough and doesn’t regulate businesses strongly enough

Browner: oh that’s just fucking rich

Gregory: but the spill is Emperor Obama’s fault

Browner: hey Big Business caused this fucking spill and the liberals are going to have clean this up

Gregory: why didn’t Obama tell BP to have a contingency plan when he was inaugurated?

Browner: the tales of your being a moron were
not exaggerated

Gregory: but he could have personally reviewed
every permit

Browner: look Obama broke up MMS

Gregory: but he should have planned for
a disaster when he was sworn in!

Browner: well he prevented Sarah Palin from becoming VP!

Gregory: maybe 5,000 feet is just too
deep to drill offshore

Browner: yeah maybe!

Gregory: so why don’t stop it?

Browner: we shut down 33 rigs Fluffy!

Gregory: ok

[ break ]

Gregory: let’s talk about illegal immigration

Gutierrez: we need a holistic approach - hell most so-called illegal immigrants didn’t sneak over - they just overstayed their visa

Hayworth: Soldiers changing oil is cosmetic

Gregory: righty-o

Hayworth: it’s not only about Mexicans - it’s all
those other brown people!

Gregory: it’s about American businesses needing and hiring these immigrants

Hayworth: we need soldiers to roam America demanding papers or we will all live in anarchy!!

Gutierrez: we should put employers in jail for hiring illegal immigrants - but immigrants are not going to disappear like Henriquez Potter!

Gregory: people support the Arizona law

Gutierrez: that’s because people are bunch of thick-headed fuckers

Gregory: well sure

Gregory: J.D. how do cops determine reasonable suspicion if not by race?

Hayworth: people are trying to attack Arizona just because they wrote a blatantly racist law - it’s not fair

Gutierrez: the fucking law makes demanding citizenship a requirement JD!!

Gregory: good point

Gutierrez: Latinos fought our wars and they want
to pay taxes and be good citizens!

Hayworth: All we are saying is
Give Racism a Chance

Gregory: you and McCain supported amnesty -
are you two trying to out-crazy each other to win the GOP nomination?

Hayworth: after 9/11 I realized we had to go after Hispanics with soldiers on American streets

Gregory: please bash Obama for me

Gutierrez: I worked with McCain before he went batshit insane

Gregory: well Obama sent 1,200 troops

Gutierrez: whoop de frickin’ doo!

[ break ]

Gregory: this oil spill comes down to one thing:
what does Obama’s daughter want us to do?

Dionne: the real problem is that big companies apparently have no plan in case they totally fuck up

Brooks: this disaster proves that conservatives are right - there are limits to what government can do to fix the disasters caused by conservatives

Gregory: how can Obama let this oil spill continue
to happen??

Dionne: the lesson here is we need more fucking regulation of oil companies!!

Gregory: incredibly Sestak was offered an unpaid job to leave a political race

Dionne: the lesson here is that Joe Sestak is
kind of a dickhead

Gregory: is that all?

Dionne: also that you’re a moron Fluffy

Gregory: ha ha

Gregory: Tim Pawlenty says economic growth
is phony

Dionne: that’s hilarious

Gregory: ha ha

Dionne: moron

This Week with Jake Tapper - May 30, 2010

Gov. Bobby Jindal (R-Louisiana)
Bob Dudley (Managing Director BP)
Colin Powell (Ret. Chair JCS)

Tapper: Bobby what do you need to stop the oil?

Jindal: we local control and permission to
protect the damn beaches!

Tapper: the Coast Guard said Louisiana didn’t
plan for a spill like this

Jindal: come and see the oil on the eggs and the motherfucking pelicans!!

Tapper: why were the booms sitting on the docks?

Jindal: BP was sitting on their fucking asses!

Tapper: are you a socialist or a communist now?

Jindal: I want smaller big government and
bigger small government!!

[ break ]

Tapper: so BP has totally failed to stop pouring
oil into America’s waters

Dudley: true we failed to wrestle the beast -
but we’re heroes for trying!

Tapper: you cut corners to save money and risked destroying precious American resources

Dudley: no that can’t be right since
we do that everywhere

Tapper: but in March the well was failing and then it exploded - what the fuck were you guys doing??

Dudley: we will definitely take a look at that
since we totally didn’t see that coming

Tapper: the well was fucking failing jackass!!

Dudley: uh I think we subcontracted that out to Acme and some coyote

Tapper: well thanks for coming asshole

Tapper: sir you were a general tell us about how states deal with oil spills

Powell: the federal government must move in quickly with decisive force and declare war on oil spills!

Tapper: fascinating

Powell: it’s more than BP it’s about people and the government and nice things like that

Tapper: should the military bomb the oil spill?

Powell: sure - we should also get local unemployed fishermen to clean up the spill

Tapper: sounds good

Powell: we gotta get in there and clean it
and do good stuff

Tapper: wow

Tapper: 17 years ago you said gays were
too icky to fight for America

Powell: yes but the Force is with us now

Tapper: oh

Powell: since then we’ve had Will & Grace and Sex and the City and of course Frasier and the revelation that General MacArthur was gay

Tapper: what?

Powell: oh I’ve said too much

Tapper: do you personally hate the gay?

Powell: we have to hear from every officer and they have to agree

Tapper: Operation Fuck Over Afghanistan is 9 years old and reading to enter elementary school

Powell: awwww

Tapper: this war is not supported by the public
and there is no decisive force

Powell: look I just made that Powell Doctrine shit up one night

Tapper: well it sounds like the mission sucks

Powell: by Obama added 68,000 troops

Tapper: then why does it suck so much?

Powell: because people hate both the Taliban
and America

Tapper: so what do we do?

Powell: we smack out foreheads a year from now and go ‘oh noe we fucked up!’

Tapper: should we pull out of Iraq?

Powell: it’s perfectly safe now with only 10
bombings a day - it’s like Philadelphia in July

Tapper: sounds about right

Powell: we have a big debt - who cares about Iraq?

Tapper: exactly - let’s attack Iran

Powell: right - those wily arabs have been sneaking around for thousands of years!

Tapper: Persians

Powell: who gives a shit Tappy - they’re
brown and scary!

Tapper: so what do we do?

Powell: IAEA inspections and if they violate we bring the hammer down!

Tapper: just like Iraq except then we lie and
start a war anyway

Powell: Shhhhh!!!!

Tapper: you care about education

Powell: I learned the importance of education and how stupidity can ruin America

Tapper: from your youth and life experience?

Powell: no when I served a moron President

Tapper: what does Memorial Day mean to you?

Powell: it reminds me that many Americans gave their lives so the President could lock people up without charges and assassinate Americans

Tapper: awesome


Sunday, May 23, 2010

Meet the Press - May 23, 2010

Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ)
Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX)
Rep. Joe Sestak (D-PA)
May 23, 2010
Gregory: Hi and welcome to another episode of
Meet the Press - our special guest today was going to be Rand Paul but is very sleepy from pretending he is not a racist and needs a nap so he graciously sent his pet PaulCat - thanks so much for coming

PaulCat: oh hai - u iz welcome

Gregory: People think that Rand Paul is a racist

PaulCat: noes fluffi he no cares if deh kittehs iz striped or calico or if dey iz all whites or blacks
- but he no lak deh maine coon

Gregory: PaulCat does Rand Paul really want to repeal the Civil Rights Act?

PaulCat: he no wants govmint takin yur bukkits
and yur toys and yur homez and yur odder
privat properti

Gregory: so laws prohibiting racial discrimination
are the same as declaring a hotel or restaurant
to be public property?

PaulCat: if teh governmints be doin dat dey also
kan mak u brings guns to teh movie theter

Gregory: so what’s the solution?

PaulCat: teh frei markets will mak all teh
kittehs plai nice

Gregory: is making abortion illegal also a declaring
a woman’s body public property?

PaulCat: oh hai noes cause teh bebbeh kittehs
haz rite to lif

Gregory: Rand Paul said Obama is un-American for attacking BP

PaulCat: teh presnit no lak the biznuz kittehs --
he plai bame game he shuld plai wit kitteh toys

Gregory: why on earth would Rand Paul defend BP at a time like this?

PaulCat: sometimes teh kittehs use deh litter box
and sometimes kittehs no use litter box - u noes accidentz dey happen

Gregory: it’s no ones fault so Obama shouldn’t be critical of BP?

PaulCat: BP iz like the kittehs - dey mak de mess
and teh humanz clean it up

Gregory: Good luck in November

PaulCat: u haz fishies or scritches for me?

Gregory: No sorry

PaulCat: u noes get cuddlez Fluffi

[ break ]

Gregory: Rand Paul canceled his appearance here just because he said a lot of racist stupid shit - then just to put icing on the cake he defended BP for spilling millions of gallons of oil in the Gulf

Cornyn: give him a break he’s a novice candidate - he can’t take random questions about whether 40 year old anti-racist laws were a good idea

Gregory: Is he totally insane?

Cornyn: he needs run away from the media and to speak to the people of Kentucky so they can hear what he has to say

Gregory: don’t they watch Meet the Press in Kentucky?

Cornyn: are you kidding? - they don’t own tv sets - they just got the wireless

Gregory: so you nominated an incompetent weirdo who can’t take basic questions without sounding like a stone cold racist

Cornyn: true - but government has gotten too big

Menendez: he’s out of his fucking mind - he’s perfect for the modern Republican party

Gregory: isn’t Rand Paul right - that Democrats brought us debt, chaos and a breakdown in society?

Menendez: no Fluffy the Republican party brought us debts, wars, big government and a Depression

Cornyn: there they go again - blaming George Bush for all the mistakes George Bush made

Gregory: is that all?

Cornyn: Spend! Debt!

Gregory: the Tea Party brings new voters but on the other hand they are fucking crazy

Cornyn: I love the Tea Party! These are wonderful patriotic Americans who finally got off their couches to carry guns and want to repeal civil rights

Gregory: well that’s a little frightening

Cornyn: Obama hates businesses

Gregory: Admiral you claim to be an outsider but you voted for health care reform

Sestak: I was in the Navy for 31 years Dancin Dave and America was torpedoed

Gregory: but you voted for TARP!

Sestak: yes but I stood up to Obama when he attacked businesses

Gregory: like what?

Sestak: I want to cut taxes for small business not for Goldman Sachs

Gregory: but how can you support the Obama Communist Agenda?

Sestak: fuck Obama - he tried to get me
out of the race!

Gregory: you stood up to him to run for office - so what?

Sestak: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: Are you now or have you ever been an
Obama Democrat?

Sestak: fuck you

Gregory: what bribe did Obama offer you?

Sestak: he offered to make me Secretary of
Kicking Pundit Ass

Gregory: oh my

Gregory: [grinning ] what painful choices will you make?!?!

Sestak: better health care, collect taxes and cut military spending


Gregory: Obama backed the wrong horse in Pennsylvania!

Menendez: true but it all worked out in the end - Sestak is awesome

Gregory: Is Obama a liability?

Menendez: hell fuckin no -- he’s turning this nation around from the disaster of the Bush presidency

Cornyn: I hate big big government - we’re going to repeal health care reform!

Gregory: Blumenthal claimed he fought with Rambo

Menendez: yes but his opponent let wrestlers use their bodies

Cornyn: you can’t trust him - he shot himself in the foot to get out of service!

Gregory: I thought that was Dick Cheney

Cornyn: either way

Gregory: immigration reform!

Menendez: Let the Senators from Arizona deal with the 12 million illegal immigrants

Cornyn: the Arizona law is a great law - it bans profiling based on race and now only allows it
for skin color

Gregory: Bush never passed immigration reform or secured the border

Cornyn: sure but that was before - as soon as Obama became President Arizona has to
enact a racist law

[ break ]

Gregory: hey panelists the GOP nominated a racist whackjob for the U.S. Senate

Friedman: we learned this week that when the Tea Party said they want smaller government they really mean racism is awesome

Gigot: I admire Rand Paul for being willing to cut Medicare and Social Security

Mitchell: he’s a libertarian - what the fuck is he doing running for the Senate anyway

Woodward: he’s like Ronald Reagan but
ugly and stupid

Mitchell: yes but Ronnie was a pragmatic racist-panderer

Giogot: Obama has governed so far to left is that he’s driven the GOP to the crazy right

Gregory: that sounds pretty smart

Giogot: the Tea Party think Obama is a socialist!

Gregory: but TARP was a Republican idea

Gigot: sure but Obama abused TARP by going beyond the original intention of bailing out Wall Street and helping American auto companies
- that is so so sad

Gregory: it seems like crazy people everywhere are
taking over politics

Friedman: Digital lynch mobs!!!

Gregory: that’s scary!

Friedman: we need a dictator

Gigot: we tried that under George Bush

Woodward: people say nothing ever gets done but Obama did stimulus, health care reform and may get financial reform - not to shabby!

Gregory: wow James Carville got attention by bashing Obama!

Friedman: I think they should stop the oil spill

Gregory: wow!

Friedman: I think we should use less oil - why are no Senators saying this?!?

Gregory: Gore did and the media relentlessly attacked him

Woodward: why don’t they call Google to
fix the oil spill?

Gigot: what the fuck do you expect them to do?

Mitchell: BP has ruined offshore drilling for all of us

Friedman: who cares - the long term solution is to utter banal cliches

Gigot: it’s a very hard engineering problem

Gregory: what the hell should Team Obama do?

Woodward: I had no idea oil came right out of the ground - I thought it came from whales

Gigot: accidents happen - aren’t we all
really to blame?

Woodward: the blob will kill us all!!!

Mitchell: you men are all fucking idiots

Gregory: I want to thank all my guests especially PaulCat

PaulCat: kthnxbai

This Week with Jake Tapper - May 23, 2010

Tim Kaine (Chair, DNC)
Michael Steele (Chair, RNC)
Tapper: Mike Steele your Senate nominee
Rand Paul says the Civil Rights Act was great
except for the desegregation

Steele: sure that was stupid - but he’s clarified it to say he doesn’t hate black people he just doesn’t want have to be around them if doesn’t want to

Tapper: Tim how can you lose now?

Kaine: well we’re Democrats so you never know

Tapper: good point

Kaine: forget the racism - Rand Paul says
going after BP is un-American

Steele: well he’s right - it’s terrible
to call BP nasty names

Tapper: that’s the new GOP motto
- “Accidents Happen”?

Steele: Obama is not Socialist enough!

Kaine: We have to hold BP accountable and not privatize the profits and socialize the losses

Steele: Obama is a Communist - also the government should solve the oil spill and create jobs

Kaine: Rand Paul also loves racial discrimination
in housing

Steele: that’s his philosophy and so you
can’t criticize it

Tapper: huh?

Steele: you can’t condemn a man for his
view that racism is good

Tapper: Blumenthal said he served with
Forrest Gump and killed Col. Kurtz

Kaine: that might be true I wasn’t there

Steele: he’s just like Rand Paul -
he’s a crazy insurgent

Tapper: the GOP won in Hawaii

Steele: and that’s where Obama was born!

Tapper: Not Kenya?

Steele: oh there too

Tapper: You lost Murtha’s seat

Steele: yes but we had a good turnout

Kaine: hey if the GOP can’t win that seat there
is no way in fucking hell they can win the House

Tapper: Sestak says Obama offered to make him
Secretary of Awesome Hair

Kaine: well why not

Tapper: is the GOP still frequenting bondage
strip clubs?

Steele: no comment Jake!

[ break ]

Tapper: It seems like Rand Paul is a little crazy

Will: he’s not a racist - it’s worse - he’s a
frivolous libertarian dolt

Tapper: oh my

Will: in fact you can legislate morality
- it’s awesome

Brazille: I was struck not just by his extremism but how much of an idiot he is

Tapper: but he can still win in Kentucky

Brazille: oh sure

Donaldson: I’m don’t know if he’s a racist but
Rachel Maddow finally exposed him as --
what’s the word - oh right - stupid

Roberts: he’s perfect for Kentucky

Tapper: he’s real and genuine

Roberts: he’s a real racist

Brazille: the GOP created a Tea Party monster
and it’s name is Racist Rand Paul

Will: back in the 19th century we solved the issue
of Free Coinage of Silver

Rand Paul: no I hate that too!


Sunday, May 16, 2010

Meet The Press - May 16, 2010

Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
Jonathan Alter
Peggy Noonan
Bob Shrum
Mike Murphy
Gregory: So BP has failed yet again to stop
the worst oil spill ever - I can’t wait to see their
junk shot

Obama: fuck these finger-pointing motherfuckers!

Schumer: damm cocksuckers!

Gregory: should there be a cap on their liability?

Schumer: hell fucking no!

Gregory: are you mad?

Schumer: yes we all are very angry at BP -
they wrecked the Democratic climate bill compromise pushing for more drilling!

Gregory: that’s sad

Schumer: so clearly we should do more
offshore drilling - that’s red white and blue oil!!!

Gregory: Kagan says the Senate hearings are a farce

Schumer: Dancing should not be a part of it

Gregory: dammit

Schumer: She’s awesome because she’s practical - she’s not from some fancy ivory tower

Gregory: how so?

Schumer: she was Dean of Harvard Law School

Gregory: dude it’s not exactly Deadliest Catch

Schumer: hey the Dean has to work with many
weird people like the Federalist Society

Gregory: is she a liberal or a moderate?

Schumer: she’s a forceful, practical, New Yorker - she will shank Scalia if she has to!

Gregory: will she promote Executive Power?

Schumer: yes she will but Obama’s President now - suck it wingnuts!

Gregory: is she a blank slate?

Schumer: that’s the beauty of it - she can be whatever you want her to be!

Gregory: Did Obama tell New York to drop dead?

Schumer: Hey Underoos Man and Propane Boy showed us the world is trying to destroy New York!

Gregory: I thought that was the GOP

Schumer: screw the bean counters - Peter King
and Mike Bloomberg are not happy!

Gregory: Should we put KSM on trial in New York?

Schumer: no fucking way Fluffy!!

Gregory: People hate Congress which means they hate Democrats

Schumer: we’ll see in the fall how much people hate the stimulus, health care and financial reform

Gregory: you’re optimistic

Schumer: fucking right!

Gregory: What about Specter?

Schumer: he’s has no principles at all
- that’s why we need him in the U.S. Senate

[ break ]

Gregory: Mitch you supported Harriet Meirs
and she was Bush’s pet sitter!

McConnell: Meirs was a disaster which only proves we can’t have Kagan

Gregory: tell me why she is evil

McConnell: she wants to ban pamphlets
and hates soldiers

Gregory: is she qualified or not?

McConnell: we’ll decide later how we will accuse
her of being a radical anti-American

Gregory: sounds like hypocrisy

McConnell: yeah but Democrats attacked
Clarence Thomas just because he was an inexperienced pervert

Gregory: does she hate the military?

McConnell: obviously she does because Harvard Law students usually go to an ivy league law school because they want to join the Army

Gregory: are you mad at BP?

McConnell: why are we criticizing BP when Obama
is clearly to blame for allowing offshore drilling and not fixing the spill immediately?!?

Gregory: should we cap BP’s liability?

McConnell: oh no - we should allow people who can’t afford to clean up their messes to drill or it wouldn’t be far to all the mom and pop
oil-rig drilling operations

Gregory: Is noted loon Rand Paul going to seize control of the GOP?

McConnell: yes but Obama lost to a male model

Gregory: you expect Paul to be your candidate

McConnell: I will support whichever lunatic
wins the GOP nomination

Gregory: Obama says Republicans drove this country into a ditch for 8 years and you can’t
have the keys again!

McConnell: look we all know George Bush was horrible President - but Obama is helping
American car companies and he tripled the
debt in the next ten years

Gregory: but that hasn’t happened yet

McConnell: also he will take over the Internet

Gregory: also hypothetical

McConnell: the President has lost 3,000 jobs!

Gregory: is that all?

McConnell: he’s stealing from our grandchildren!

Gregory: ok thanks for coming

[ break]

Gregory: Obama’s pretty popular

Murphy: Yes - the Democrats are doomed!

Shrum: that’s true but there was a poll 10 minutes ago saying pundits’ positions have shift 1 percent

Gregory: people like Obama but not his policies

Alter: it was all too much change! The US was losing 700,000 jobs and now we’re adding 200,000 jobs and that’s hard for people handle!

Noonan: He’s like Reagan - he’s likeable but presiding over a recession - so he’s doomed

Gregory: but Reagan was reelected

Noonan: true but Mondale was a doofus

Shrum: Reagan carried every state plus Canada because the economy boomed!

Gregory: Kagan will probably easily confirmed

Murphy: I’m going to cry about Robert Bork now

Shrum: take a hankie Mike
[ hands Murphy a tissue ]

Alter: this will hurt Obama because people think he hates the Army because he acts like he’s their boss and they don’t like taking orders from him

Gregory: let’s weep for Robert Bork some more

Noonan: [ sobs ]
Young people get assassinated by liberals
if they have opinions

Gregory: she’s stirred controversy by suggesting people should have civil rights but luckily not everyone

Noonan: we need to stop attacking justices for
their colorful views and instead attack them for
being Latina

Shrum: let’s be clear - Robert Bork was out of his fucking mind

Noonan: yes but criticism of him came within 45 minutes of his nomination - liberals are the balsa wood drones of politics

Gregory: Arlen Specter has no principles at all -
will that hurt him?

Alter: yes but he’s against cancer

Gregory: Blanche Lincoln is finding out
centrism sucks

Noonan: so so so so sad

Shrum: sure she’s attacked from both sides
because she does nothing for all sides

Alter: Long live the lunch-bucket Reagan Democrats!!

Gregory: Saint McCain is in trouble too even though he wants to complete the dang fence

Alter: it’s sad

Gregory: he was in favor of immigration reform and now he sounds like a cross between
Ted Nugent and Grampa Simpson

Noonan: it’s pathetic

Murphy: Obama is behind murders in Arizona!

Shrum: really that’s what you want to go with?

Murphy: Muuuurrder!!!!!

Gregory: ok that’s another episode of Meet the Press


This Week with Jake Tapper - May 16, 2010

Jake Tapper
Sen. Pat Leahy (D-VT)
Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL)
Tapper: what about Elena Kagan?

Leahy: I want a rapid confirmation but I need
Jeff Sessions’ permission

Tapper: Kagan said the Senate is vapid and hollow

Leahy: we all know that

Tapper: why are confirmation hearings so ridiculous?

Leahy: people with opinions must recuse themselves from all other cases

Tapper: why?

Leahy: because thinking about anything means
you are unfairly biased

Tapper: I see

Leahy: she needs to appear to be an unthinking dolt to impress the Senate

Sessions: She needs to be like john Roberts and openly lie to the Senate about her intentions

Tapper: Do you think she hates the military?

Sessions: this is major issue - if the military can’t use the office of career services how can Harvard Law Students possibly find their way to a recruiting office??

Leahy: I realize the GOP are insane but give
me a break

Sessions: No no no - you know how stupid those ivy leaguers are - we might have won the Iraq war if we had more Harvard Law Students on the front lines

Tapper: She wrote a friend of the court brief on a case that went the other way - doesn’t that prove
she can’t be on the Supreme Court

Leahy: is being a dumbass disqualifying from hosting a Sunday Talk show?

Tapper: no

Leahy: well there you go

Tapper: does she love female persons or male persons?

Sessions: I don’t care - I love corporate persons

Tapper: Should we repeal those pesky
Miranda rights?

Leahy: yes but we have to do so within
the Constitution

Tapper: well that’s fucking annoying

Sessions: yee haw

Tapper: Should we protect oil companies from paying for their mistakes?

Sessions: let’s not be too hard on BP - I mean they are very nice people who have suffered greatly during this terrible time of the environmental
disaster they caused

Leahy: Jesus Christ Republicans filibustered an attempt to hold BP accountable

Sessions: did we?

Leahy: yes you did fucker


Sunday, May 09, 2010

Meet The Press with Eric Holder - May 9, 2010

Eric Holder - U.S. Attorney General
E.J. Dionne
David Brooks
Katty Kay
Wes Moore
Gregory: is the Connecticut MBA bomber
a jihadist from Pakistan?

Holder: the Pakistan Taliban provided the financing and upfront costs for a percentage of the gross
and licensing rights

Gregory: they also brought us the assassination of Benazir Bhutto and the Miley Cyrus movie

Holder: it’s frightening

Gregory: but Janet Napolitano told me he
was a lone wolf!

Holder: she was playing you Fluffy

Gregory: is Pakistan going to help?

Holder: they’d fucking better

Gregory: how did a guy with a MBA become an unethical radical soulless dipshit?

Holder: it’s a mystery

Gregory: how come you didn’t arrest him
before he committed a crime?

Holder: it’s doesn’t work that way Dancing Dave

Gregory: these are homegrown terrorists!

Holder: they are people with clean skins

Gregory: like who use ivory soap?

Holder: yes - also white people

Gregory: why don’t you track all people
who go to Pakistan

Holder: 200,000 people!?

Gregory: yes dammit!

Holder: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: ok just stop the brown people who
travel to Pakistan

Holder: you’re full of bright ideas

Gregory: but you wouldn’t waste time searching
a white woman would you?

Holder: hey I could get arrested for doing that in Alabama

Gregory: why would you give an American citizen Miranda warnings - are you crazy??

Holder: Look first we interrogate, then we torture and after we get the information we want, then we give
Miranda warnings

Gregory: I’m still scared

Holder: I can tell

Gregory: so you want Congress to pass a law
letting you torture first and give them rights later

Holder: damm right Greggers

Gregory: that’s big news

Holder: correctamundo motherfucker

Gregory: will you buy KSM a house if he’s acquitted?

Holder: no you idiot

Gregory: well that’s hypocrisy

Holder: well it’s not like he’s got a green card stupid

Gregory: but you held a press conference about
the Times Square bomber!

Holder: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: what’s the holdup with KSM?!?

Holder: dude holding a trial in downtown NYC ain’t like a opening a lemonade stand!

Gregory: Gitmo is still open! FBI agents waste time chasing terrorists! My conditioner is not making my hair silky enough!

Holder: Jesus Christ do you have a fever?

Gregory: is racism over?

Holder: no - look at Arizona

[ break ]

Gregory: hey the Connecticut guy got money
from Pakistan

Brooks: this was an international plot involving
three whole canisters of propane!

Moore: it’s hate filled region with very porous border

Gregory: so Afghanistan is just like Arizona

Kay: racial screening can backfire

Dionne: propane scares me - this is real terrorism!

Gregory: but we can’t really stop terror attacks -
and this dude is obviously an idiot

Brooks: coming from you that means a lot

Gregory: thanks

Brooks: exactly - we need not to panic - also repeal the Constitution

Gregory: right - how else can we get the information we need??

Moore: we are a nation of laws - so we need to repeal those laws

Gregory: We’re going to have a Karzai love-fest this week

Kay: he’s going to a ribbon cutting at a Best Buy and be a guest judge on Project Runway

Dionne: I hate the term ‘lawyered up’ - lawyers defend rights for a reason

Gregory: but these are not people suspected of a crime - these are terrorists we need to torture!

Dionne: we should not trash our rights just because some loon bought some propane

Brooks: yes but at some point we should just salute the leader and give him unlimited power

Kay: Bush gave terrorists Miranda rights!

Brooks: well he was wrong - go Obama!

Gregory: Let’s talk about Obama’s mind - go EJ!

Dionne: Obama would like to nominate the person he thinks is best qualified in the whole country to
sit on the Supreme Court

Gregory: who is that?

Dionne: himself

Kay: Kagan is like a white female Obama - a consensus-seeking centrist

Moore: he needs to nominate someone who take Roberts in the annual SCOTUS Feats of Strength

Gregory: the Utah GOP told Bennett to fuck off

Brooks: his big mistake was to try and get things done - real conservatives hate that

Gregory: the modern Republican party has decided to drive out everyone out is not utterly insane

Brooks: hey TARP was a bad idea but conservatives have to work with liberals - they’re in the minority!

Gregory: everyone is mad at government and Obama sucks

Dionne: the people who are really mad are people who believe in government and don’t like to
see it suck

Dionne: it’s about basic values like rewarding the hard work of lobbyists

Kay: the lesson from Britain is that third-parties fail

Gregory: it’s great theatre

Kay: yes it would funny if it weren’t going to wreck the county

Gregory: and that’s Meet The Press

This Week with Jake Tapper - May 9, 2010

Jake Tapper
Eric Holder - U.S. Attorney General
Rudy Giuliani

Tapper: so what’s up with the MBA bomber?

Holder: he might be connected to the Taliban
in Pakistan

Tapper: I thought Pakistan was our friend

Holder: oh they are - we are working closing with them like we are working closely with BP

Tapper: what consequences will they face?

Holder: we will write them a strongly worded letter telling them to clean up their mess

Tapper: I meant Pakistan - not BP

Holder: so did I

Tapper: Propane Boy was on a terror watch list for bringing large sums of cash into America -
why take him off the list?

Holder: dude we *want* people bringing cash into the U.S.!

Tapper: good point

Holder: damm right

Tapper: how the hell did you lose track of this
idiot terrorist?

Holder: he went through the Lincoln tunnel and
the agents didn’t have exact change

Tapper: we only avoided a major terror attack because he was incompetent

Holder: well yeah by that logic we only don’t have terror attacks because we get lucky because people don’t commit attacks

Tapper: isn’t the Constitution an old-fashioned relic? I mean it was written before John McCain was born -
I think

Holder: you’re right - we need to re-write the Constitution to allow for use of thumbscrews for
really bad guys

Tapper: Holy Joe wants to take away citizenship from people he doesn’t like - isn’t he right - after all Obama wants the authority to kill Americans

Holder: yes Obama would assassinate but not take away their citizenship

Tapper: so what would that mean?

Holder: [ pulls gun out ]
they have the right to remain silent - permanently!

Tapper: cool

Holder: Look we have the right to put people in a gulag and execute them - Sen. Droopy should
calm down

Tapper: have Gitmo prisoners rejoined the fight against America?

Holder: we’re going to send them were that
can’t happen

Tapper: where?

Holder: the island on Lost

Tapper: Are you going to put KSM on trial or what

Holder: we’re going to try him on the People’s Court

Tapper: oh my

Holder: Judge Joe Brown is a badass!

Tapper: you say we’re a nation of cowards because we don’t talk about race - so I dare you to call Arizona a bunch of racists

Holder: damm crackers!

Tapper: will your arrest BP?

Holder: we’re looking at creative options

Tapper: like what?

Holder: it involves tar and feathers

[ break ]

Tapper: Rudy you’re famous and a noted Crazy Person - what would you do with MBA
Propane Boy?

Giuliani: I would have declared him an enemy combatant, revoked his rights, tortured him for
5 or 6 hours and then never say anything because you know how reticent I am to brag about stopping terrorism

Tapper: so you would repeal the Constitution?

Giuliani: absolutely - look all this political correctness - Major Hasan, the underpants
bomber and now this guy - this is a pattern!

Tapper: what’s the pattern?

Giuliani: [laughs] ha ha ha ha

Tapper: what are you laughing at loony

Giuliani: warning people about their rights makes
no sense!

Tapper: oh no?

Giuliani: it’s not good policy - we need to torture people right now!!

Tapper: if you say so

Giuliani: [ laughs ] haw haw haw

Tapper: isn’t it glorifying these idiots to call
them combatants?

Giuliani: [ laughs ] we have to crush their testicles and I’d be happy to test the Constitutionality of that!

Tapper: you’re a very strange person, aren’t you?

Giuliani: [ laughs, drinks cup of blood ]

Tapper: isn’t driving Senator Bennett out of the
party out insane?

Giuliani: Obama is driving us to European
social democracy!

Tapper: how so?

Giuliani: like the big bailout of the banks

Tapper: Bush did that

Giuliani: and lending money to car companies for them to turn around and save thousands of jobs

Tapper: anything else?

Giuliani: and national security

Tapper: has Europe been attacked lately?

Giuliani: Europe has been overrun with
brown people - do we really want America to become like that?

Tapper: good luck with that Rudy

Giuliani: [ turns into bat, flies away ]


Sunday, May 02, 2010

Meet The Press - May 2, 2010

Meet The Press
May 2, 2010
Hillary Clinton (Sec. of State)
Gov. Charlie Crist (FL)
Janet Napolitano (Sec. of Homeland Security)
Ken Salazar (Sec. of Interior)
Adm. Thad Allen (Coast Guard)
Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN)
Gov. Jennifer Granholm (D-MI)
Gov. Bill Richardson (D-NM)
Rep. Mike Pence (R-IN)

Gregory: who tried to destroy Times Square?

Napolitano: Giuliani and Disney

Gregory: was it terrorism?

Napolitano: It wasn’t an invitation
to a birthday party Fluffy

Gregory: scary!

Napolitano: sure

Gregory: it was a big device

Napolitano: it was a few tanks of propane
which fizzled

Gregory: wow!

Gregory: Commander Allen are you going to
stop this fucking oil spill?

Allen: we’re considering stuffing the
hole with BP executives

Gregory: interesting approach

Allen: people seem to like it

Gregory: how bad will it be?

Salazar: really really bad dancing dave

Gregory: but this could ruin the fishing industry

Salazar: ya think!?

Gregory: worse than Exxon Valdez?

Salazar: I’m sure Exxon hopes so

Gregory: are you playing catch up?

Napolitano: no we were treating this like
the former Bush administration - as an
ongoing catastrophe from the start!

Gregory: did BP lie to you?

Napolitano: yes that’s why we only listen to
their robots who cannot mislead a human

Gregory: are you disappointed in BP?

Napolitano: what - just for destroying several
industries and a fragile coastline?

Gregory: is the Arizona law unconstitutional?

Napolitano: just for singling out brown
suspicious people - pshaw!

[ break ]

Gregory: welcome Hillary - should we
stop offshore drilling?

Clinton: we should only drill off red states
- see if they like it

Gregory: Mexico says Arizona will harass
visitors and criminalize being brown

Clinton: I understand people are frustrated but this could lead to profiling funny-looking visitors from New York like Chuck Schumer

Gregory: does it encourage profiling?

Clinton: of course it does!

Gregory: is it unconstitutional?

Clinton: just to ask citizens to carry ID
papers at all times - gee I don’t know

Gregory: the Taliban is winning the Afghan war!

Clinton: that’s only from October through
March of this year

Gregory: we won the war in April?

Clinton: oh yeah everything changed

Gregory: how so?

Clinton: the Taliban paid people to fight but
we can throw money around too

Gregory: cool

Clinton: but they will have to give up their
guns, renounce violence and promise to obey
the Constitution

Gregory: you can’t even get the Tea Party to do that!

Clinton: yes but you can reason with the Taliban

Gregory: should we attack Iran?

Clinton: we may have to - they are violating the NPT!

Gregory: do you think we could have a third
party like they do in the UK?

Clinton: there’s always room for lunatics like John Anderson, Ross Perot, and Joe Lieberman

Gregory: the President of Sudan is a war criminal who is wanted for crimes against humanity

Clinton: well so is George W. Bush and he
has a book coming out

Gregory: yeah but he wasn’t legitimately elected

Clinton: are we talking about Bashir or Bush

Gregory: does it matter?

Gregory: the State Department is working with
the private sector

Clinton: the Shanghai Expo is going to feature the City of the Future with American-made Flying Cars!

Gregory: are you going to stay on the job?

Clinton: sure

Gregory: you don’t want to be on the Supreme Court?

Clinton: oh no - I would strangle Scalia the first week

[ break ]

Gregory: Charlie you pledged loyalty to the GOP
- what happened?

Crist: I had an epiphany over Easter

Gregory: the people hate you

Crist: no that’s just Republicans who vote in primaries - and those people are fucking lunatics

Gregory: will you caucus with the GOP?

Crist: I’ll caucus with myself

Gregory: that’s stupid

Crist: gridlock common sense blah blah

Gregory: would you repeal health care reform?

Crist: sure we have to because we have something
like it in Florida

Gregory: what about carbon dioxide?

Crist: you could stop breathing Greggers

Gregory: ha!

Gregory: should we ban offshore drilling?

Crist: yes - no one likes to bathe in crude

Gregory: drill baby drill?

Crist: that frightens me

Gregory: how can you possibly win?

Crist: if I stop that asshole Rubio that’s win enough

[ break ]

Gregory: Lamar what happened with Crist?

Alexander: running as independent
undermines democracy

Gregory: it does?

Alexander: he’s breaking the rules by not
running as an Republican

Richardson: it’s fun watching the Republican
completely crack up

Pence: no - the real story here is the rise of real conservative values and opposing
spending and borrowing

Gregory: why do you hate Nixon, Ford, Ronald Reagan,
Bush and Bush II?

Pence: no this is the new Republican party -
not like the party for the last 50 years

Gregory: has Obama failed with the BP spill?

Granholm: I heard you were a moron Fluffy -
only you could hear “drill baby drill” for a year and blame Obama

Alexander: the GOP are the real environmentalists - which means we have to keep drilling in the Gulf

Gregory: are you serious?

Alexander: sure it’s already covered in oil so
now is the perfect time

Richardson: we need a national oceans
policy in 2011

Gregory: we could call it Oceans 11

Gregory: is passing racist laws the solution
to our immigration problem?

Granholm: we could do that - or develop an overall solution to immigration, energy and economics

Pence: sure harassing people based on skin color is not a perfect solution but let’s not throw stones at the sad little racists in Arizona

Gregory: what’s your solution?

Pence: easy - build a fence!

Richardson: this is stupid - we need a really big fence - and earned legalization

Alexander: sure we can laugh at the racists in Arizona - but Obama is Commander in Chief and it’s time he started treating Tempe like the hellhole war zone that it is

Gregory: it’s not the heat it’s the stupidity

Alexander: right

posted by Culture of Truth

This Week with Jake Tapper - May 2, 2010

May 2, 2010
Jake Tapper
Janet Napolitano (Sec. of Homeland Security)
Ken Salazar (Sec. of Interior)
Lamar McKay (President BP America)
Tapper: Janet what can you tell us about the barbecue bomb and how scared should we be?

Napolitano: don’t worry Jake - we’re panicking
so you don’t have to

Tapper: are we going to catch this loser?

Napolitano: oh yes we’re looking for fingerprints
and hired an alienist and everything

Tapper: how concerned should Americans
be about Times Square?

Napolitano: extremely - they have a fucking
Red Lobster and Bubba Gump shrimp there now!

Tapper: my god it’s worse than I thought

[ break ]

Tapper: Hey British Petroleum how’s drilling
and destroying America working out for you?

McKay: not so good actually

Tapper: so what’s your plan for
stopping the spill?

McKay: give us a break - it’s like doing
open-heart surgery in the dark

Tapper: so you need Hawkeye Pierce?

McKay: we need Noah

Tapper: Building a giant ark
seems a bit extreme

McKay: no I mean NOAA

Tapper: Obama recently called BP ‘useless motherfuckers’

McKay: no everyone in the oil industry is rallying around trying to fix this problem

Tapper: oh so even Exxon and Chevron are going
to help stop the spill and clean up the oil?

McKay: no I meant fixing our image problem

Tapper: you ruined a coastline and
thousands of lives just to save a buck

McKay: capitalism baby!

Tapper: you have no idea what you’re
doing do you?

McKay: not fair - no one could have predicted
that an oil platform in the ocean drilling 5,000 feet for oil could spill oil in the water

Tapper: you opposed safety regulations

McKay: safety is our number one priority

Tapper: really?

McKay: well first making money, then drilling
faster and drilling more and exploiting workers
and resources and actually we don’t care about safety at all

[ break ]

Tapper: did you Coast Guard guys drop the ball?

Allen: bullshit - we were all over this Tapper!

Tapper: but you relied too much on BP?

Allen: hells no Tapp!

Tapper: Can BP stop this spill?

Salazar: those assholes - doubtful

Tapper: what’s your plan

Salazar: hope it gets better

Tapper: why didn’t you start burning
the oil right away?

Napolitano: it’s all mother nature’s fault

Tapper: President Obama says oil rigs
are perfectly safe

Salazar: they are!

Tapper: well except for the ongoing catastrophe

Salazar: well sure if you want to nit pick

Tapper: what’s your worst case scenario?

Napolitano: Palin is elected President
and David Gregory is her press secretary

Tapper: no I meant for the spill

Napolitano: oh that - Alabama covered with
3 feet of oil

Tapper: is the Arizona law unconstitutional?

Napolitano: sure but the real lesson
is we need immigration reform

Tapper: Alberto your family came over
with Christopher Columbus

Salazar: they were on the Pinta baby!

Tapper: so how do you feel about the later arrivers

Salazar: anyone who was on the Nina or
Santa Maria is dead to me - dead!

Tapper: ok then
posted by Culture of Truth