Sunday, May 30, 2010

Meet The Press - May 30, 2010

Guests:
Bob Dudley (Managing Director BP)
Carol Browner - White House Energy Adviser
Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL)
Fmr. Rep. J.D. Hayworth (R-AZ)
David Brooks
E.J. Dionne
***************************

Gregory: so what went wrong dickhead

Dudley: the BP flower is the Mark of the Beast

Gregory: what happened to Top Kill Vol. 2 ?

Dudley: the Smoke Monster attacked us!

Gregory: so will the next step will work?

Dudley: really we have no idea - the robots are charge now

Gregory: when will we learn that your next
effort has failed?

Dudley: we should confirm our next failure in
about seven days

Gregory: how much oil are you spilling into the Gulf?

Dudley: somewhere between A Motherfucking Lot
and a Giant Shitload

Gregory: why so slow?

Dudley: we don’t want to make things worse

Gregory: worse? How could things be worse?

Dudley: our next move will crack the earth’s
crust and unleash the minions of satan from the
depths of hell

Gregory: it seems you are incompetent idiots who ruined America and had no plan at all

Dudley: no we had a plan to deny everything - it worked great until the oil washed up on shore

Gregory: did you lie to everyone

Dudley: look we’re frustrated too - did you know
oil is very slippery?!?

Gregory: I did actually

Dudley: ooh look at the big brain on Greggers

Gregory: should BP CEO Tony Heyward resign for destroying his company and a regional economy

Dudley: Tony Heyward is doing an awesome
job dodging responsibility for wrecking thousands of lives

[ break ]

Gregory: well that was a pretty fucking astonishing interview

Browner: it’s infuriating - this spill is destroying
a whole region

Gregory: what do we do now?

Browner: suck up all the oil with a giant straw

Gregory: who will do that?

Browner: Superman?

Gregory: but he’s not real

Browner: in theory maybe

Gregory: so assuming Superman is fiction the oil
will continue to spill until August of 2015

Browner: in that case the beaches will be re-designated “Free Oil National Park”

Gregory: excellent

Browner: once we capture the oil we can
put the oil on trial

Gregory: how bad is this?

Browner: this is biggest disaster in American history

Gregory: worse than the Civil War or the
Bush administration?

Browner: ok biggest environmental disaster

Gregory: so how do we fix it?

Browner: burn it and skim it

Gregory: is Team Obama making a big show
of being in charge?

Browner: make no mistake we’re calling the shots

Gregory: what about that $75 million cap

Browner: fuck that cap - they will pay for the motherfucking damages!

Gregory: the Republicans says Obama isn’t
socialist enough and doesn’t regulate businesses strongly enough

Browner: oh that’s just fucking rich

Gregory: but the spill is Emperor Obama’s fault

Browner: hey Big Business caused this fucking spill and the liberals are going to have clean this up

Gregory: why didn’t Obama tell BP to have a contingency plan when he was inaugurated?

Browner: the tales of your being a moron were
not exaggerated

Gregory: but he could have personally reviewed
every permit

Browner: look Obama broke up MMS

Gregory: but he should have planned for
a disaster when he was sworn in!

Browner: well he prevented Sarah Palin from becoming VP!

Gregory: maybe 5,000 feet is just too
deep to drill offshore

Browner: yeah maybe!

Gregory: so why don’t stop it?

Browner: we shut down 33 rigs Fluffy!

Gregory: ok

[ break ]

Gregory: let’s talk about illegal immigration

Gutierrez: we need a holistic approach - hell most so-called illegal immigrants didn’t sneak over - they just overstayed their visa

Hayworth: Soldiers changing oil is cosmetic

Gregory: righty-o

Hayworth: it’s not only about Mexicans - it’s all
those other brown people!

Gregory: it’s about American businesses needing and hiring these immigrants

Hayworth: we need soldiers to roam America demanding papers or we will all live in anarchy!!

Gutierrez: we should put employers in jail for hiring illegal immigrants - but immigrants are not going to disappear like Henriquez Potter!

Gregory: people support the Arizona law

Gutierrez: that’s because people are bunch of thick-headed fuckers

Gregory: well sure

Gregory: J.D. how do cops determine reasonable suspicion if not by race?

Hayworth: people are trying to attack Arizona just because they wrote a blatantly racist law - it’s not fair

Gutierrez: the fucking law makes demanding citizenship a requirement JD!!

Gregory: good point

Gutierrez: Latinos fought our wars and they want
to pay taxes and be good citizens!

Hayworth: All we are saying is
Give Racism a Chance

Gregory: you and McCain supported amnesty -
are you two trying to out-crazy each other to win the GOP nomination?

Hayworth: after 9/11 I realized we had to go after Hispanics with soldiers on American streets

Gregory: please bash Obama for me

Gutierrez: I worked with McCain before he went batshit insane

Gregory: well Obama sent 1,200 troops

Gutierrez: whoop de frickin’ doo!

[ break ]

Gregory: this oil spill comes down to one thing:
what does Obama’s daughter want us to do?

Dionne: the real problem is that big companies apparently have no plan in case they totally fuck up

Brooks: this disaster proves that conservatives are right - there are limits to what government can do to fix the disasters caused by conservatives

Gregory: how can Obama let this oil spill continue
to happen??

Dionne: the lesson here is we need more fucking regulation of oil companies!!

Gregory: incredibly Sestak was offered an unpaid job to leave a political race

Dionne: the lesson here is that Joe Sestak is
kind of a dickhead

Gregory: is that all?

Dionne: also that you’re a moron Fluffy

Gregory: ha ha

Gregory: Tim Pawlenty says economic growth
is phony

Dionne: that’s hilarious

Gregory: ha ha

Dionne: moron
**************************

This Week with Jake Tapper - May 30, 2010

Guests:
Gov. Bobby Jindal (R-Louisiana)
Bob Dudley (Managing Director BP)
Colin Powell (Ret. Chair JCS)
********************************

Tapper: Bobby what do you need to stop the oil?

Jindal: we local control and permission to
protect the damn beaches!

Tapper: the Coast Guard said Louisiana didn’t
plan for a spill like this

Jindal: come and see the oil on the eggs and the motherfucking pelicans!!

Tapper: why were the booms sitting on the docks?

Jindal: BP was sitting on their fucking asses!

Tapper: are you a socialist or a communist now?

Jindal: I want smaller big government and
bigger small government!!

[ break ]

Tapper: so BP has totally failed to stop pouring
oil into America’s waters

Dudley: true we failed to wrestle the beast -
but we’re heroes for trying!

Tapper: you cut corners to save money and risked destroying precious American resources

Dudley: no that can’t be right since
we do that everywhere

Tapper: but in March the well was failing and then it exploded - what the fuck were you guys doing??

Dudley: we will definitely take a look at that
since we totally didn’t see that coming

Tapper: the well was fucking failing jackass!!

Dudley: uh I think we subcontracted that out to Acme and some coyote

Tapper: well thanks for coming asshole

Tapper: sir you were a general tell us about how states deal with oil spills

Powell: the federal government must move in quickly with decisive force and declare war on oil spills!

Tapper: fascinating

Powell: it’s more than BP it’s about people and the government and nice things like that

Tapper: should the military bomb the oil spill?

Powell: sure - we should also get local unemployed fishermen to clean up the spill

Tapper: sounds good

Powell: we gotta get in there and clean it
and do good stuff

Tapper: wow

Tapper: 17 years ago you said gays were
too icky to fight for America

Powell: yes but the Force is with us now

Tapper: oh

Powell: since then we’ve had Will & Grace and Sex and the City and of course Frasier and the revelation that General MacArthur was gay

Tapper: what?

Powell: oh I’ve said too much

Tapper: do you personally hate the gay?

Powell: we have to hear from every officer and they have to agree

Tapper: Operation Fuck Over Afghanistan is 9 years old and reading to enter elementary school

Powell: awwww

Tapper: this war is not supported by the public
and there is no decisive force

Powell: look I just made that Powell Doctrine shit up one night

Tapper: well it sounds like the mission sucks

Powell: by Obama added 68,000 troops

Tapper: then why does it suck so much?

Powell: because people hate both the Taliban
and America

Tapper: so what do we do?

Powell: we smack out foreheads a year from now and go ‘oh noe we fucked up!’

Tapper: should we pull out of Iraq?

Powell: it’s perfectly safe now with only 10
bombings a day - it’s like Philadelphia in July

Tapper: sounds about right

Powell: we have a big debt - who cares about Iraq?

Tapper: exactly - let’s attack Iran

Powell: right - those wily arabs have been sneaking around for thousands of years!

Tapper: Persians

Powell: who gives a shit Tappy - they’re
brown and scary!

Tapper: so what do we do?

Powell: IAEA inspections and if they violate we bring the hammer down!

Tapper: just like Iraq except then we lie and
start a war anyway

Powell: Shhhhh!!!!

Tapper: you care about education

Powell: I learned the importance of education and how stupidity can ruin America

Tapper: from your youth and life experience?

Powell: no when I served a moron President

Tapper: what does Memorial Day mean to you?

Powell: it reminds me that many Americans gave their lives so the President could lock people up without charges and assassinate Americans

Tapper: awesome

**************************

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Meet the Press - May 23, 2010

Guests:
Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ)
Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX)
Rep. Joe Sestak (D-PA)
PaulCat
May 23, 2010
*************
Gregory: Hi and welcome to another episode of
Meet the Press - our special guest today was going to be Rand Paul but is very sleepy from pretending he is not a racist and needs a nap so he graciously sent his pet PaulCat - thanks so much for coming

PaulCat: oh hai - u iz welcome

Gregory: People think that Rand Paul is a racist

PaulCat: noes fluffi he no cares if deh kittehs iz striped or calico or if dey iz all whites or blacks
- but he no lak deh maine coon

Gregory: PaulCat does Rand Paul really want to repeal the Civil Rights Act?

PaulCat: he no wants govmint takin yur bukkits
and yur toys and yur homez and yur odder
privat properti

Gregory: so laws prohibiting racial discrimination
are the same as declaring a hotel or restaurant
to be public property?

PaulCat: if teh governmints be doin dat dey also
kan mak u brings guns to teh movie theter

Gregory: so what’s the solution?

PaulCat: teh frei markets will mak all teh
kittehs plai nice

Gregory: is making abortion illegal also a declaring
a woman’s body public property?

PaulCat: oh hai noes cause teh bebbeh kittehs
haz rite to lif

Gregory: Rand Paul said Obama is un-American for attacking BP

PaulCat: teh presnit no lak the biznuz kittehs --
he plai bame game he shuld plai wit kitteh toys

Gregory: why on earth would Rand Paul defend BP at a time like this?

PaulCat: sometimes teh kittehs use deh litter box
and sometimes kittehs no use litter box - u noes accidentz dey happen

Gregory: it’s no ones fault so Obama shouldn’t be critical of BP?

PaulCat: BP iz like the kittehs - dey mak de mess
and teh humanz clean it up

Gregory: Good luck in November

PaulCat: u haz fishies or scritches for me?

Gregory: No sorry

PaulCat: u noes get cuddlez Fluffi

[ break ]

Gregory: Rand Paul canceled his appearance here just because he said a lot of racist stupid shit - then just to put icing on the cake he defended BP for spilling millions of gallons of oil in the Gulf

Cornyn: give him a break he’s a novice candidate - he can’t take random questions about whether 40 year old anti-racist laws were a good idea

Gregory: Is he totally insane?

Cornyn: he needs run away from the media and to speak to the people of Kentucky so they can hear what he has to say

Gregory: don’t they watch Meet the Press in Kentucky?

Cornyn: are you kidding? - they don’t own tv sets - they just got the wireless

Gregory: so you nominated an incompetent weirdo who can’t take basic questions without sounding like a stone cold racist

Cornyn: true - but government has gotten too big

Menendez: he’s out of his fucking mind - he’s perfect for the modern Republican party

Gregory: isn’t Rand Paul right - that Democrats brought us debt, chaos and a breakdown in society?

Menendez: no Fluffy the Republican party brought us debts, wars, big government and a Depression

Cornyn: there they go again - blaming George Bush for all the mistakes George Bush made

Gregory: is that all?

Cornyn: Spend! Debt!

Gregory: the Tea Party brings new voters but on the other hand they are fucking crazy

Cornyn: I love the Tea Party! These are wonderful patriotic Americans who finally got off their couches to carry guns and want to repeal civil rights

Gregory: well that’s a little frightening

Cornyn: Obama hates businesses

Gregory: Admiral you claim to be an outsider but you voted for health care reform

Sestak: I was in the Navy for 31 years Dancin Dave and America was torpedoed

Gregory: but you voted for TARP!

Sestak: yes but I stood up to Obama when he attacked businesses

Gregory: like what?

Sestak: I want to cut taxes for small business not for Goldman Sachs

Gregory: but how can you support the Obama Communist Agenda?

Sestak: fuck Obama - he tried to get me
out of the race!

Gregory: you stood up to him to run for office - so what?

Sestak: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: Are you now or have you ever been an
Obama Democrat?

Sestak: fuck you

Gregory: what bribe did Obama offer you?

Sestak: he offered to make me Secretary of
Kicking Pundit Ass

Gregory: oh my

Gregory: [grinning ] what painful choices will you make?!?!

Sestak: better health care, collect taxes and cut military spending

[break]

Gregory: Obama backed the wrong horse in Pennsylvania!

Menendez: true but it all worked out in the end - Sestak is awesome

Gregory: Is Obama a liability?

Menendez: hell fuckin no -- he’s turning this nation around from the disaster of the Bush presidency

Cornyn: I hate big big government - we’re going to repeal health care reform!

Gregory: Blumenthal claimed he fought with Rambo

Menendez: yes but his opponent let wrestlers use their bodies

Cornyn: you can’t trust him - he shot himself in the foot to get out of service!

Gregory: I thought that was Dick Cheney

Cornyn: either way

Gregory: immigration reform!

Menendez: Let the Senators from Arizona deal with the 12 million illegal immigrants

Cornyn: the Arizona law is a great law - it bans profiling based on race and now only allows it
for skin color

Gregory: Bush never passed immigration reform or secured the border

Cornyn: sure but that was before - as soon as Obama became President Arizona has to
enact a racist law

[ break ]

Gregory: hey panelists the GOP nominated a racist whackjob for the U.S. Senate

Friedman: we learned this week that when the Tea Party said they want smaller government they really mean racism is awesome

Gigot: I admire Rand Paul for being willing to cut Medicare and Social Security

Mitchell: he’s a libertarian - what the fuck is he doing running for the Senate anyway

Woodward: he’s like Ronald Reagan but
ugly and stupid

Mitchell: yes but Ronnie was a pragmatic racist-panderer

Giogot: Obama has governed so far to left is that he’s driven the GOP to the crazy right

Gregory: that sounds pretty smart

Giogot: the Tea Party think Obama is a socialist!

Gregory: but TARP was a Republican idea

Gigot: sure but Obama abused TARP by going beyond the original intention of bailing out Wall Street and helping American auto companies
- that is so so sad

Gregory: it seems like crazy people everywhere are
taking over politics

Friedman: Digital lynch mobs!!!

Gregory: that’s scary!

Friedman: we need a dictator

Gigot: we tried that under George Bush

Woodward: people say nothing ever gets done but Obama did stimulus, health care reform and may get financial reform - not to shabby!

Gregory: wow James Carville got attention by bashing Obama!

Friedman: I think they should stop the oil spill

Gregory: wow!

Friedman: I think we should use less oil - why are no Senators saying this?!?

Gregory: Gore did and the media relentlessly attacked him

Woodward: why don’t they call Google to
fix the oil spill?

Gigot: what the fuck do you expect them to do?

Mitchell: BP has ruined offshore drilling for all of us

Friedman: who cares - the long term solution is to utter banal cliches

Gigot: it’s a very hard engineering problem

Gregory: what the hell should Team Obama do?

Woodward: I had no idea oil came right out of the ground - I thought it came from whales

Gigot: accidents happen - aren’t we all
really to blame?

Woodward: the blob will kill us all!!!

Mitchell: you men are all fucking idiots

Gregory: I want to thank all my guests especially PaulCat

PaulCat: kthnxbai
**************************

This Week with Jake Tapper - May 23, 2010

Guests:
Tim Kaine (Chair, DNC)
Michael Steele (Chair, RNC)
*****************************
Tapper: Mike Steele your Senate nominee
Rand Paul says the Civil Rights Act was great
except for the desegregation

Steele: sure that was stupid - but he’s clarified it to say he doesn’t hate black people he just doesn’t want have to be around them if doesn’t want to

Tapper: Tim how can you lose now?

Kaine: well we’re Democrats so you never know

Tapper: good point

Kaine: forget the racism - Rand Paul says
going after BP is un-American

Steele: well he’s right - it’s terrible
to call BP nasty names

Tapper: that’s the new GOP motto
- “Accidents Happen”?

Steele: Obama is not Socialist enough!

Kaine: We have to hold BP accountable and not privatize the profits and socialize the losses

Steele: Obama is a Communist - also the government should solve the oil spill and create jobs

Kaine: Rand Paul also loves racial discrimination
in housing

Steele: that’s his philosophy and so you
can’t criticize it

Tapper: huh?

Steele: you can’t condemn a man for his
view that racism is good

Tapper: Blumenthal said he served with
Forrest Gump and killed Col. Kurtz

Kaine: that might be true I wasn’t there

Steele: he’s just like Rand Paul -
he’s a crazy insurgent

Tapper: the GOP won in Hawaii

Steele: and that’s where Obama was born!

Tapper: Not Kenya?

Steele: oh there too

Tapper: You lost Murtha’s seat

Steele: yes but we had a good turnout

Kaine: hey if the GOP can’t win that seat there
is no way in fucking hell they can win the House

Tapper: Sestak says Obama offered to make him
Secretary of Awesome Hair

Kaine: well why not

Tapper: is the GOP still frequenting bondage
strip clubs?

Steele: no comment Jake!

[ break ]

Tapper: It seems like Rand Paul is a little crazy

Will: he’s not a racist - it’s worse - he’s a
frivolous libertarian dolt

Tapper: oh my

Will: in fact you can legislate morality
- it’s awesome

Brazille: I was struck not just by his extremism but how much of an idiot he is

Tapper: but he can still win in Kentucky

Brazille: oh sure

Donaldson: I’m don’t know if he’s a racist but
Rachel Maddow finally exposed him as --
what’s the word - oh right - stupid

Roberts: he’s perfect for Kentucky

Tapper: he’s real and genuine

Roberts: he’s a real racist

Brazille: the GOP created a Tea Party monster
and it’s name is Racist Rand Paul

Will: back in the 19th century we solved the issue
of Free Coinage of Silver

Rand Paul: no I hate that too!

************************

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Meet The Press - May 16, 2010

Guests:
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
Jonathan Alter
Peggy Noonan
Bob Shrum
Mike Murphy
******************************
Gregory: So BP has failed yet again to stop
the worst oil spill ever - I can’t wait to see their
junk shot

Obama: fuck these finger-pointing motherfuckers!

Schumer: damm cocksuckers!

Gregory: should there be a cap on their liability?

Schumer: hell fucking no!

Gregory: are you mad?

Schumer: yes we all are very angry at BP -
they wrecked the Democratic climate bill compromise pushing for more drilling!

Gregory: that’s sad

Schumer: so clearly we should do more
offshore drilling - that’s red white and blue oil!!!

Gregory: Kagan says the Senate hearings are a farce

Schumer: Dancing should not be a part of it

Gregory: dammit

Schumer: She’s awesome because she’s practical - she’s not from some fancy ivory tower

Gregory: how so?

Schumer: she was Dean of Harvard Law School

Gregory: dude it’s not exactly Deadliest Catch

Schumer: hey the Dean has to work with many
weird people like the Federalist Society

Gregory: is she a liberal or a moderate?

Schumer: she’s a forceful, practical, New Yorker - she will shank Scalia if she has to!

Gregory: will she promote Executive Power?

Schumer: yes she will but Obama’s President now - suck it wingnuts!

Gregory: is she a blank slate?

Schumer: that’s the beauty of it - she can be whatever you want her to be!

Gregory: Did Obama tell New York to drop dead?

Schumer: Hey Underoos Man and Propane Boy showed us the world is trying to destroy New York!

Gregory: I thought that was the GOP

Schumer: screw the bean counters - Peter King
and Mike Bloomberg are not happy!

Gregory: Should we put KSM on trial in New York?

Schumer: no fucking way Fluffy!!

Gregory: People hate Congress which means they hate Democrats

Schumer: we’ll see in the fall how much people hate the stimulus, health care and financial reform

Gregory: you’re optimistic

Schumer: fucking right!

Gregory: What about Specter?

Schumer: he’s has no principles at all
- that’s why we need him in the U.S. Senate

[ break ]

Gregory: Mitch you supported Harriet Meirs
and she was Bush’s pet sitter!

McConnell: Meirs was a disaster which only proves we can’t have Kagan

Gregory: tell me why she is evil

McConnell: she wants to ban pamphlets
and hates soldiers

Gregory: is she qualified or not?

McConnell: we’ll decide later how we will accuse
her of being a radical anti-American

Gregory: sounds like hypocrisy

McConnell: yeah but Democrats attacked
Clarence Thomas just because he was an inexperienced pervert

Gregory: does she hate the military?

McConnell: obviously she does because Harvard Law students usually go to an ivy league law school because they want to join the Army

Gregory: are you mad at BP?

McConnell: why are we criticizing BP when Obama
is clearly to blame for allowing offshore drilling and not fixing the spill immediately?!?

Gregory: should we cap BP’s liability?

McConnell: oh no - we should allow people who can’t afford to clean up their messes to drill or it wouldn’t be far to all the mom and pop
oil-rig drilling operations

Gregory: Is noted loon Rand Paul going to seize control of the GOP?

McConnell: yes but Obama lost to a male model

Gregory: you expect Paul to be your candidate

McConnell: I will support whichever lunatic
wins the GOP nomination

Gregory: Obama says Republicans drove this country into a ditch for 8 years and you can’t
have the keys again!

McConnell: look we all know George Bush was horrible President - but Obama is helping
American car companies and he tripled the
debt in the next ten years

Gregory: but that hasn’t happened yet

McConnell: also he will take over the Internet

Gregory: also hypothetical

McConnell: the President has lost 3,000 jobs!

Gregory: is that all?

McConnell: he’s stealing from our grandchildren!

Gregory: ok thanks for coming

[ break]

Gregory: Obama’s pretty popular

Murphy: Yes - the Democrats are doomed!

Shrum: that’s true but there was a poll 10 minutes ago saying pundits’ positions have shift 1 percent

Gregory: people like Obama but not his policies

Alter: it was all too much change! The US was losing 700,000 jobs and now we’re adding 200,000 jobs and that’s hard for people handle!

Noonan: He’s like Reagan - he’s likeable but presiding over a recession - so he’s doomed

Gregory: but Reagan was reelected

Noonan: true but Mondale was a doofus

Shrum: Reagan carried every state plus Canada because the economy boomed!

Gregory: Kagan will probably easily confirmed

Murphy: I’m going to cry about Robert Bork now

Shrum: take a hankie Mike
[ hands Murphy a tissue ]

Alter: this will hurt Obama because people think he hates the Army because he acts like he’s their boss and they don’t like taking orders from him

Gregory: let’s weep for Robert Bork some more

Noonan: [ sobs ]
Young people get assassinated by liberals
if they have opinions

Gregory: she’s stirred controversy by suggesting people should have civil rights but luckily not everyone

Noonan: we need to stop attacking justices for
their colorful views and instead attack them for
being Latina

Shrum: let’s be clear - Robert Bork was out of his fucking mind

Noonan: yes but criticism of him came within 45 minutes of his nomination - liberals are the balsa wood drones of politics

Gregory: Arlen Specter has no principles at all -
will that hurt him?

Alter: yes but he’s against cancer

Gregory: Blanche Lincoln is finding out
centrism sucks

Noonan: so so so so sad

Shrum: sure she’s attacked from both sides
because she does nothing for all sides

Alter: Long live the lunch-bucket Reagan Democrats!!

Gregory: Saint McCain is in trouble too even though he wants to complete the dang fence

Alter: it’s sad

Gregory: he was in favor of immigration reform and now he sounds like a cross between
Ted Nugent and Grampa Simpson

Noonan: it’s pathetic

Murphy: Obama is behind murders in Arizona!

Shrum: really that’s what you want to go with?

Murphy: Muuuurrder!!!!!

Gregory: ok that’s another episode of Meet the Press

****************************

This Week with Jake Tapper - May 16, 2010

Host:
Jake Tapper
Guests:
Sen. Pat Leahy (D-VT)
Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL)
**************************
Tapper: what about Elena Kagan?

Leahy: I want a rapid confirmation but I need
Jeff Sessions’ permission

Tapper: Kagan said the Senate is vapid and hollow

Leahy: we all know that

Tapper: why are confirmation hearings so ridiculous?

Leahy: people with opinions must recuse themselves from all other cases

Tapper: why?

Leahy: because thinking about anything means
you are unfairly biased

Tapper: I see

Leahy: she needs to appear to be an unthinking dolt to impress the Senate

Sessions: She needs to be like john Roberts and openly lie to the Senate about her intentions

Tapper: Do you think she hates the military?

Sessions: this is major issue - if the military can’t use the office of career services how can Harvard Law Students possibly find their way to a recruiting office??

Leahy: I realize the GOP are insane but give
me a break

Sessions: No no no - you know how stupid those ivy leaguers are - we might have won the Iraq war if we had more Harvard Law Students on the front lines

Tapper: She wrote a friend of the court brief on a case that went the other way - doesn’t that prove
she can’t be on the Supreme Court

Leahy: is being a dumbass disqualifying from hosting a Sunday Talk show?

Tapper: no

Leahy: well there you go

Tapper: does she love female persons or male persons?

Sessions: I don’t care - I love corporate persons

Tapper: Should we repeal those pesky
Miranda rights?

Leahy: yes but we have to do so within
the Constitution

Tapper: well that’s fucking annoying

Sessions: yee haw

Tapper: Should we protect oil companies from paying for their mistakes?

Sessions: let’s not be too hard on BP - I mean they are very nice people who have suffered greatly during this terrible time of the environmental
disaster they caused

Leahy: Jesus Christ Republicans filibustered an attempt to hold BP accountable

Sessions: did we?

Leahy: yes you did fucker

************************

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Meet The Press with Eric Holder - May 9, 2010

Guests:
Eric Holder - U.S. Attorney General
E.J. Dionne
David Brooks
Katty Kay
Wes Moore
******************
Gregory: is the Connecticut MBA bomber
a jihadist from Pakistan?

Holder: the Pakistan Taliban provided the financing and upfront costs for a percentage of the gross
and licensing rights

Gregory: they also brought us the assassination of Benazir Bhutto and the Miley Cyrus movie

Holder: it’s frightening

Gregory: but Janet Napolitano told me he
was a lone wolf!

Holder: she was playing you Fluffy

Gregory: is Pakistan going to help?

Holder: they’d fucking better

Gregory: how did a guy with a MBA become an unethical radical soulless dipshit?

Holder: it’s a mystery

Gregory: how come you didn’t arrest him
before he committed a crime?

Holder: it’s doesn’t work that way Dancing Dave

Gregory: these are homegrown terrorists!

Holder: they are people with clean skins

Gregory: like who use ivory soap?

Holder: yes - also white people

Gregory: why don’t you track all people
who go to Pakistan

Holder: 200,000 people!?

Gregory: yes dammit!

Holder: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: ok just stop the brown people who
travel to Pakistan

Holder: you’re full of bright ideas

Gregory: but you wouldn’t waste time searching
a white woman would you?

Holder: hey I could get arrested for doing that in Alabama

Gregory: why would you give an American citizen Miranda warnings - are you crazy??

Holder: Look first we interrogate, then we torture and after we get the information we want, then we give
Miranda warnings

Gregory: I’m still scared

Holder: I can tell

Gregory: so you want Congress to pass a law
letting you torture first and give them rights later

Holder: damm right Greggers

Gregory: that’s big news

Holder: correctamundo motherfucker

Gregory: will you buy KSM a house if he’s acquitted?

Holder: no you idiot

Gregory: well that’s hypocrisy

Holder: well it’s not like he’s got a green card stupid

Gregory: but you held a press conference about
the Times Square bomber!

Holder: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: what’s the holdup with KSM?!?

Holder: dude holding a trial in downtown NYC ain’t like a opening a lemonade stand!

Gregory: Gitmo is still open! FBI agents waste time chasing terrorists! My conditioner is not making my hair silky enough!

Holder: Jesus Christ do you have a fever?

Gregory: is racism over?

Holder: no - look at Arizona

[ break ]

Gregory: hey the Connecticut guy got money
from Pakistan

Brooks: this was an international plot involving
three whole canisters of propane!

Moore: it’s hate filled region with very porous border

Gregory: so Afghanistan is just like Arizona

Kay: racial screening can backfire

Dionne: propane scares me - this is real terrorism!

Gregory: but we can’t really stop terror attacks -
and this dude is obviously an idiot

Brooks: coming from you that means a lot

Gregory: thanks

Brooks: exactly - we need not to panic - also repeal the Constitution

Gregory: right - how else can we get the information we need??

Moore: we are a nation of laws - so we need to repeal those laws

Gregory: We’re going to have a Karzai love-fest this week

Kay: he’s going to a ribbon cutting at a Best Buy and be a guest judge on Project Runway

Dionne: I hate the term ‘lawyered up’ - lawyers defend rights for a reason

Gregory: but these are not people suspected of a crime - these are terrorists we need to torture!

Dionne: we should not trash our rights just because some loon bought some propane

Brooks: yes but at some point we should just salute the leader and give him unlimited power

Kay: Bush gave terrorists Miranda rights!

Brooks: well he was wrong - go Obama!

Gregory: Let’s talk about Obama’s mind - go EJ!

Dionne: Obama would like to nominate the person he thinks is best qualified in the whole country to
sit on the Supreme Court

Gregory: who is that?

Dionne: himself

Kay: Kagan is like a white female Obama - a consensus-seeking centrist

Moore: he needs to nominate someone who take Roberts in the annual SCOTUS Feats of Strength

Gregory: the Utah GOP told Bennett to fuck off

Brooks: his big mistake was to try and get things done - real conservatives hate that

Gregory: the modern Republican party has decided to drive out everyone out is not utterly insane

Brooks: hey TARP was a bad idea but conservatives have to work with liberals - they’re in the minority!

Gregory: everyone is mad at government and Obama sucks

Dionne: the people who are really mad are people who believe in government and don’t like to
see it suck

Dionne: it’s about basic values like rewarding the hard work of lobbyists

Kay: the lesson from Britain is that third-parties fail

Gregory: it’s great theatre

Kay: yes it would funny if it weren’t going to wreck the county

Gregory: and that’s Meet The Press
*******************

This Week with Jake Tapper - May 9, 2010

Host:
Jake Tapper
Guests:
Eric Holder - U.S. Attorney General
Rudy Giuliani
*************************

Tapper: so what’s up with the MBA bomber?

Holder: he might be connected to the Taliban
in Pakistan

Tapper: I thought Pakistan was our friend

Holder: oh they are - we are working closing with them like we are working closely with BP

Tapper: what consequences will they face?

Holder: we will write them a strongly worded letter telling them to clean up their mess

Tapper: I meant Pakistan - not BP

Holder: so did I

Tapper: Propane Boy was on a terror watch list for bringing large sums of cash into America -
why take him off the list?

Holder: dude we *want* people bringing cash into the U.S.!

Tapper: good point

Holder: damm right

Tapper: how the hell did you lose track of this
idiot terrorist?

Holder: he went through the Lincoln tunnel and
the agents didn’t have exact change

Tapper: we only avoided a major terror attack because he was incompetent

Holder: well yeah by that logic we only don’t have terror attacks because we get lucky because people don’t commit attacks

Tapper: isn’t the Constitution an old-fashioned relic? I mean it was written before John McCain was born -
I think

Holder: you’re right - we need to re-write the Constitution to allow for use of thumbscrews for
really bad guys

Tapper: Holy Joe wants to take away citizenship from people he doesn’t like - isn’t he right - after all Obama wants the authority to kill Americans

Holder: yes Obama would assassinate but not take away their citizenship

Tapper: so what would that mean?

Holder: [ pulls gun out ]
they have the right to remain silent - permanently!

Tapper: cool

Holder: Look we have the right to put people in a gulag and execute them - Sen. Droopy should
calm down

Tapper: have Gitmo prisoners rejoined the fight against America?

Holder: we’re going to send them were that
can’t happen

Tapper: where?

Holder: the island on Lost

Tapper: Are you going to put KSM on trial or what

Holder: we’re going to try him on the People’s Court

Tapper: oh my

Holder: Judge Joe Brown is a badass!

Tapper: you say we’re a nation of cowards because we don’t talk about race - so I dare you to call Arizona a bunch of racists

Holder: damm crackers!

Tapper: will your arrest BP?

Holder: we’re looking at creative options

Tapper: like what?

Holder: it involves tar and feathers

[ break ]

Tapper: Rudy you’re famous and a noted Crazy Person - what would you do with MBA
Propane Boy?

Giuliani: I would have declared him an enemy combatant, revoked his rights, tortured him for
5 or 6 hours and then never say anything because you know how reticent I am to brag about stopping terrorism

Tapper: so you would repeal the Constitution?

Giuliani: absolutely - look all this political correctness - Major Hasan, the underpants
bomber and now this guy - this is a pattern!

Tapper: what’s the pattern?

Giuliani: [laughs] ha ha ha ha

Tapper: what are you laughing at loony

Giuliani: warning people about their rights makes
no sense!

Tapper: oh no?

Giuliani: it’s not good policy - we need to torture people right now!!

Tapper: if you say so

Giuliani: [ laughs ] haw haw haw

Tapper: isn’t it glorifying these idiots to call
them combatants?

Giuliani: [ laughs ] we have to crush their testicles and I’d be happy to test the Constitutionality of that!

Tapper: you’re a very strange person, aren’t you?

Giuliani: [ laughs, drinks cup of blood ]

Tapper: isn’t driving Senator Bennett out of the
party out insane?

Giuliani: Obama is driving us to European
social democracy!

Tapper: how so?

Giuliani: like the big bailout of the banks

Tapper: Bush did that

Giuliani: and lending money to car companies for them to turn around and save thousands of jobs

Tapper: anything else?

Giuliani: and national security

Tapper: has Europe been attacked lately?

Giuliani: Europe has been overrun with
brown people - do we really want America to become like that?

Tapper: good luck with that Rudy

Giuliani: [ turns into bat, flies away ]

*****************

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Meet The Press - May 2, 2010

Meet The Press
May 2, 2010
Guests:
Hillary Clinton (Sec. of State)
Gov. Charlie Crist (FL)
Janet Napolitano (Sec. of Homeland Security)
Ken Salazar (Sec. of Interior)
Adm. Thad Allen (Coast Guard)
Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN)
Gov. Jennifer Granholm (D-MI)
Gov. Bill Richardson (D-NM)
Rep. Mike Pence (R-IN)
****************************

Gregory: who tried to destroy Times Square?

Napolitano: Giuliani and Disney

Gregory: was it terrorism?

Napolitano: It wasn’t an invitation
to a birthday party Fluffy

Gregory: scary!

Napolitano: sure

Gregory: it was a big device

Napolitano: it was a few tanks of propane
which fizzled

Gregory: wow!

Gregory: Commander Allen are you going to
stop this fucking oil spill?

Allen: we’re considering stuffing the
hole with BP executives

Gregory: interesting approach

Allen: people seem to like it

Gregory: how bad will it be?

Salazar: really really bad dancing dave

Gregory: but this could ruin the fishing industry

Salazar: ya think!?

Gregory: worse than Exxon Valdez?

Salazar: I’m sure Exxon hopes so

Gregory: are you playing catch up?

Napolitano: no we were treating this like
the former Bush administration - as an
ongoing catastrophe from the start!

Gregory: did BP lie to you?

Napolitano: yes that’s why we only listen to
their robots who cannot mislead a human

Gregory: are you disappointed in BP?

Napolitano: what - just for destroying several
industries and a fragile coastline?

Gregory: is the Arizona law unconstitutional?

Napolitano: just for singling out brown
suspicious people - pshaw!

[ break ]

Gregory: welcome Hillary - should we
stop offshore drilling?

Clinton: we should only drill off red states
- see if they like it

Gregory: Mexico says Arizona will harass
visitors and criminalize being brown

Clinton: I understand people are frustrated but this could lead to profiling funny-looking visitors from New York like Chuck Schumer

Gregory: does it encourage profiling?

Clinton: of course it does!

Gregory: is it unconstitutional?

Clinton: just to ask citizens to carry ID
papers at all times - gee I don’t know

Gregory: the Taliban is winning the Afghan war!

Clinton: that’s only from October through
March of this year

Gregory: we won the war in April?

Clinton: oh yeah everything changed

Gregory: how so?

Clinton: the Taliban paid people to fight but
we can throw money around too

Gregory: cool

Clinton: but they will have to give up their
guns, renounce violence and promise to obey
the Constitution

Gregory: you can’t even get the Tea Party to do that!

Clinton: yes but you can reason with the Taliban

Gregory: should we attack Iran?

Clinton: we may have to - they are violating the NPT!

Gregory: do you think we could have a third
party like they do in the UK?

Clinton: there’s always room for lunatics like John Anderson, Ross Perot, and Joe Lieberman

Gregory: the President of Sudan is a war criminal who is wanted for crimes against humanity

Clinton: well so is George W. Bush and he
has a book coming out

Gregory: yeah but he wasn’t legitimately elected

Clinton: are we talking about Bashir or Bush

Gregory: does it matter?

Gregory: the State Department is working with
the private sector

Clinton: the Shanghai Expo is going to feature the City of the Future with American-made Flying Cars!

Gregory: are you going to stay on the job?

Clinton: sure

Gregory: you don’t want to be on the Supreme Court?

Clinton: oh no - I would strangle Scalia the first week

[ break ]

Gregory: Charlie you pledged loyalty to the GOP
- what happened?

Crist: I had an epiphany over Easter

Gregory: the people hate you

Crist: no that’s just Republicans who vote in primaries - and those people are fucking lunatics

Gregory: will you caucus with the GOP?

Crist: I’ll caucus with myself

Gregory: that’s stupid

Crist: gridlock common sense blah blah

Gregory: would you repeal health care reform?

Crist: sure we have to because we have something
like it in Florida

Gregory: what about carbon dioxide?

Crist: you could stop breathing Greggers

Gregory: ha!

Gregory: should we ban offshore drilling?

Crist: yes - no one likes to bathe in crude

Gregory: drill baby drill?

Crist: that frightens me

Gregory: how can you possibly win?

Crist: if I stop that asshole Rubio that’s win enough

[ break ]

Gregory: Lamar what happened with Crist?

Alexander: running as independent
undermines democracy

Gregory: it does?

Alexander: he’s breaking the rules by not
running as an Republican

Richardson: it’s fun watching the Republican
completely crack up

Pence: no - the real story here is the rise of real conservative values and opposing
spending and borrowing

Gregory: why do you hate Nixon, Ford, Ronald Reagan,
Bush and Bush II?

Pence: no this is the new Republican party -
not like the party for the last 50 years

Gregory: has Obama failed with the BP spill?

Granholm: I heard you were a moron Fluffy -
only you could hear “drill baby drill” for a year and blame Obama

Alexander: the GOP are the real environmentalists - which means we have to keep drilling in the Gulf

Gregory: are you serious?

Alexander: sure it’s already covered in oil so
now is the perfect time

Richardson: we need a national oceans
policy in 2011

Gregory: we could call it Oceans 11

Gregory: is passing racist laws the solution
to our immigration problem?

Granholm: we could do that - or develop an overall solution to immigration, energy and economics

Pence: sure harassing people based on skin color is not a perfect solution but let’s not throw stones at the sad little racists in Arizona

Gregory: what’s your solution?

Pence: easy - build a fence!

Richardson: this is stupid - we need a really big fence - and earned legalization

Alexander: sure we can laugh at the racists in Arizona - but Obama is Commander in Chief and it’s time he started treating Tempe like the hellhole war zone that it is

Gregory: it’s not the heat it’s the stupidity

Alexander: right

******************
posted by Culture of Truth

This Week with Jake Tapper - May 2, 2010

May 2, 2010
Host:
Jake Tapper
Guests:
Janet Napolitano (Sec. of Homeland Security)
Ken Salazar (Sec. of Interior)
Lamar McKay (President BP America)
**********************
Tapper: Janet what can you tell us about the barbecue bomb and how scared should we be?

Napolitano: don’t worry Jake - we’re panicking
so you don’t have to

Tapper: are we going to catch this loser?

Napolitano: oh yes we’re looking for fingerprints
and hired an alienist and everything

Tapper: how concerned should Americans
be about Times Square?

Napolitano: extremely - they have a fucking
Red Lobster and Bubba Gump shrimp there now!

Tapper: my god it’s worse than I thought

[ break ]

Tapper: Hey British Petroleum how’s drilling
and destroying America working out for you?

McKay: not so good actually

Tapper: so what’s your plan for
stopping the spill?

McKay: give us a break - it’s like doing
open-heart surgery in the dark

Tapper: so you need Hawkeye Pierce?

McKay: we need Noah

Tapper: Building a giant ark
seems a bit extreme

McKay: no I mean NOAA

Tapper: Obama recently called BP ‘useless motherfuckers’

McKay: no everyone in the oil industry is rallying around trying to fix this problem

Tapper: oh so even Exxon and Chevron are going
to help stop the spill and clean up the oil?

McKay: no I meant fixing our image problem

Tapper: you ruined a coastline and
thousands of lives just to save a buck

McKay: capitalism baby!

Tapper: you have no idea what you’re
doing do you?

McKay: not fair - no one could have predicted
that an oil platform in the ocean drilling 5,000 feet for oil could spill oil in the water

Tapper: you opposed safety regulations

McKay: safety is our number one priority

Tapper: really?

McKay: well first making money, then drilling
faster and drilling more and exploiting workers
and resources and actually we don’t care about safety at all

[ break ]

Tapper: did you Coast Guard guys drop the ball?

Allen: bullshit - we were all over this Tapper!

Tapper: but you relied too much on BP?

Allen: hells no Tapp!

Tapper: Can BP stop this spill?

Salazar: those assholes - doubtful

Tapper: what’s your plan

Salazar: hope it gets better

Tapper: why didn’t you start burning
the oil right away?

Napolitano: it’s all mother nature’s fault

Tapper: President Obama says oil rigs
are perfectly safe

Salazar: they are!

Tapper: well except for the ongoing catastrophe

Salazar: well sure if you want to nit pick

Tapper: what’s your worst case scenario?

Napolitano: Palin is elected President
and David Gregory is her press secretary

Tapper: no I meant for the spill

Napolitano: oh that - Alabama covered with
3 feet of oil

Tapper: is the Arizona law unconstitutional?

Napolitano: sure but the real lesson
is we need immigration reform

Tapper: Alberto your family came over
with Christopher Columbus

Salazar: they were on the Pinta baby!

Tapper: so how do you feel about the later arrivers

Salazar: anyone who was on the Nina or
Santa Maria is dead to me - dead!

Tapper: ok then
*****************
posted by Culture of Truth