Sunday, April 25, 2010

Meet The Press - April 25, 2010

Sen. Chris Dodd (D-CT)
Sen. Richard Shelby (R-AL)

Gregory: Chris Dodd - Deal. . . or No Deal?

Dodd: America went for the big money
and lost $11 trillion

Gregory: oh noe

Dodd: Goldman Sachs broke into our house
2 years ago and we haven’t even changed the locks

Gregory: will the GOP ever support reform?

Shelby: it’s a very tedious process and
the bill is 13 million pages

Gregory: whoa

Shelby: we oppose the bill because it
doesn’t go far enough

Gregory: of course you do

Shelby: we will vote for the bill if the
Democrats give us what we want

Gregory: what do you want?

Shelby: to stop the bill

Gregory: ok

Shelby: sure all 41 Senators oppose reform
but we really want it I swear

Gregory: it turns out the Goldman Sachs bet
against the American economy!

Dodd: it’s wrong to get rich betting housing
prices will fall

Gregory: aha

Dodd: what if Congress went out of session
and another crisis occurred?!

Gregory: because the ones we have are not enough

Shelby: these Wall Street fuckers produce nothing and just play a big casino game with other people’s money - I’m outraged

Gregory: Banks give politicians contributions -
how is my point relevant?

Dodd: most Senators don’t sell their votes
for contributions

Shelby: that’s right - they sell them for sex

Gregory: Wall streets execs told me they really
want stringent regulation-

Dodd: bullshit Fluffy

Gregory: but they said their deals are so complex mere mortals cannot understand them

Dodd: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: Geithner says the bill will end
‘too big to fail’

Shelby: it doesn’t go far enough - nothing is
too big to fail - what if we have to bail out reckless pizza parlors?!

Dodd: are you kidding - it goes so far the bill will have Congress inside their sphincters!

Gregory: this debate is about the role of government - some say it should government do its job and then there are Republicans

Dodd: Dogs were given credit cards!

Shelby: it’s true Bush’s Bureaucrats were a little lax

Gregory: Hey we’re all getting rich off the bailouts - maybe we should have more and more bailouts!

Shelby: no I hate American cars

Gregory: isn’t Toyota made in your state?

Shelby: is it?

Dodd: Dancing Dave that’s crazy - look at
Shanghai and Greece

Gregory: ummm

Dodd: Just calm down Fluffy

Gregory: who will look at banks and say “hey maybe you shouldn’t put $5 trillion on the Detroit Lions to win the SuperBowl”

Shelby: Big is not Bad but Bailout Big is Bad

Dodd: the problem is risk Greggers

Gregory: but I read a news article that said
you don’t hate hedge funds

Dodd: I don’t Fluffy - god, you’re dumb

Gregory: what will pass?

Dodd: my bill!

Shelby: I will vote against a bill that doesn’t go far enough which it never will

Gregory: what about this new Arizona law?

Dodd: well I’m sure the Small Government crowd is in favor of stopping people and jailing them if they don’t have their papers on them

Shelby: simple - just arrest everybody

Gregory: Is Obama a liability?

Dodd: he’s an asset Stupid

Shelby: I like Good Things more than Bad Things

Gregory: is he all right?

Dodd: He’s always like this

Gregory: well ok

[ break ]

Gregory: So Arizona has made walking down
the street without identity papers illegal - that’s kind of interesting

Brooks: sure it’s racist but the real problem is that Democrats are going to pass laws for purely political reasons

Gregory: this is very bad for Obama and the Democrats

Norris: indeed David is right - this Arizona bill is bad for Democrats but if Arizona does enforce this law that does seem kind of racist

Gregory: well it’s not like they will be pulling people over for being Hispanic - they will have a pretext first

Thomas: oh it’s fucking racist Fluffy

Gregory: Democrats don’t really want immigration reform because of health care

Burnett: Business only want Chinese and Indian immigrants

Thomas: John McCain used to be the Greatest Centrist Ever and now he is Gives Punditz a Sad

Gregory: Obama claims to want to reform Wall Street and yet he didn’t pull out a gun and start shooting them this week - isn’t that hypocrisy?

Brooks: This is who Obama is - he’s so fucking even-handed he’s like Shiva

Burnett: Financial reform can’t make Wall Street Smart instead of Stupid

Gregory: People dislike Goldman Sachs because they don’t understand what they do - they should hate them because they bet against the economy

Norris: Oh they’re just evil Fluffy

Gregory: so so so sad

Brooks: we should all thank Goldman Sachs for ending the housing bubble

Gregory: they bet against the market - that’s good for
capitalism but bad for society

Thomas: no the issue is they were defrauding their clients

Gregory: Mayor Bloomberg asks who will weep for Wall Street - what if they all move overseas and take all their wonderful jobs with them??

Burnett: Goldman will plead stupidity

Gregory: David Brooks you say Democrats have ruined America by creating a Small Government vs Big Government debate

Gregory: that is so sad why would Democrats do that??

Brooks: they are divisive - amazingly this benefits Republicans

Gregory: a lot of people like me hate government

Thomas: Obama is low in the polls considering he is the most popular politician in America

Gregory: The Wall Street Journal says we must a fight between those who say we must eliminate Medicare and those who say we should ban all brown people

Norris: A true uniter like Reagan would do both

Gregory: Obama should cut taxes and not
go after Wall Street

Burnett: The economy is growing - yay!

Thomas: no we need still to cut the debt

Norris: I give you four words - baby boomers
erectile dysfunction

Brooks: Democrats have had the worst year politically since the Social Democrats lost Weimar

Gregory: How terrible is Obama?

Brooks: he’s very terrible - he’s lost independents

Norris: but the GOP has gone completely insane

Brooks: true - but the GOP will do really well this year because there is a lot of disgust out there

Gregory: Obama is a liability isn’t he?

Thomas: he’s not insane enough - no one is listening to him

Gregory: what should he do?

Thomas: Move to the Mythic Center!

Gregory: Brilliant!


This Week with Jake Tapper - April 25, 2010

Sen. Sherrod Brown (D-OR)
Sen. Bob Corker (R-TN)
Austan Goolsbee (White House Economic Advisor
Tapper: hey it turns out Goldman Sachs is evil
- who knew?!

Brown: yes it’s quite a fascinating turn of events

Tapper: are they in-inbred with a conflict of interest?

Corker: we need to wait and see just exactly
how evil they are

Tapper: ok

Corker: let’s face it, the victims fucked up
- they trust Goldman Sachs

Tapper: so what would Obama Bankcare do?

Goolsbee: the law would require the CEO of Goldman to walk around NYC wearing a sign saying “I Defraud My Clients”

Tapper: will the GOP filibuster reform?

Corker: the GOP really really really wants reform
- so yes

Tapper: I see

Corker: the Constitution requires 60 votes
to pass a bill

Tapper: how fascinating

Corker: also the Constitution requires all bills be short enough to read during a commercial break

Tapper: of course

Tapper: does this bill end ‘too big too fail’?

Brown: it sure does - but look if you’re too big
too fail then you are too fucking big

Tapper: why does the President support bailouts?

Goolsbee: hey fuckers - Obama is going to end the Bush Bailout Era for good!

Tapper: ok ok -

Goolsbee: damm right!

Tapper: the rich executives all get bailed and drive off in their Aston Martins

Goolsbee: the Aston Martin era is over - Time for the fuckin’ Austan Goolsbee Era!

Corker: Dodd left me at the altar!

Tapper: why doesn’t Obama support hurting Wall Street executives?

Goolsbee: Let’s fucking do it - but don’t use that
as an excuse to kill the reform bill

Tapper: Is Blanche Lincoln right about derivatives and how the hell did that happen?

Brown: she is right amazingly enough - the farm people are all up with their pitchforks and they’re mad as hell

Tapper: what about telling banks not to gamble government money at casinos?

Goolsbee: we’re all over that Jake - it’s $600 trillion!

Tapper: you seem passionate about this Austan

Goolsbee: damm fucking right - Obama hates derivatives!

Corker: Oh sure if you’re from a hick farming state you hate derivatives but I’m from a real state and we need gambling to keep the capitalist machine going

Tapper: dude you’re from Chatanooga
not fucking Zurich



Sunday, April 18, 2010

Meet The Press - April 18, 2010

Tim Geithner (Sec. of Treasury)
Gov. Ed Rendell (D-PA)
Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN)
Ron Brownstein
Jose Diaz-Balart


Gregory: hey they SEC finally went after Goldman Sachs - that’s wild!

Geithner: we’re going to enact financial reform Greggers

Gregory: will you use the Goldman Sachs
scandal as an excuse to this enact a new law

Geithner: why should we - 8 million people losing their jobs and bailouts isn’t enough?

Gregory: well sure I suppose

Geithner: there you go Fluffy

Gregory: aren’t the American people really to
blame for not understanding Wall Street?

Geithner: people on Wall Street don’t understand that shit

Gregory: Can Obama guarantee his guarantees

Geithner: I guarantee we won’t offer unpopular bailouts again

Gregory: but what if they really need the money and they’re white men - then you have to give it to them

Geithner: which is why we have to stop them from taking risks and if they do we will dismember it

Gregory: Mitch McConnell says this is an
Endless Bailout bill

Geithner: even Republicans think that is fucking stupid

Gregory: will any Republicans vote for the bill?

Geithner: maybe one or two with common sense

Gregory: but no one could have prevented the financial crisis

Geithner: not true - electing someone named Bush was our first national mistake

Gregory: but what about capitalism?

Geithner: we need a Bitey SEC - one with teeth that will nom on behalf of the taxpayer

Gregory: but are you tough enough on Wall Street?

Geithner: Sure - I have written some strongly-worded tweets

Gregory: You are ruining America by attacking wonderful Americans likes Jamie Dimon!

Geithner: and people think I’m a moron Fluffy

Gregory: can America recover?

Geithner: yes but it will take 4 years

Gregory: is this a jobless recovery?

Geithner: no we’re creating jobs - some people
are even working 5 days a week

Gregory: what’s your forecast?

Geithner: I’m not an economist dancing dave

Gregory: Why would a company build a new factory?

Geithner: because we will put more teachers
in the classroom

Gregory: Foreclosures are still up!

Geithner: yes but Obama stabilized house prices which helped people feel good about the house they paid too much for

Gregory: [ grinning ] People re-default!

Geithner: we’re not going to help speculators or irresponsible borrowers

Gregory: is it over?

Geithner: oh no - we’re totally fucked

Gregory: I’m very scared by inflation

Geithner: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: the Washington Times says Obama is unserious unless he taxes the poor

Geithner: fuck that Dave - he’s cutting taxes
on the middle class

Gregory: he raised taxes on middle class American making one million dollars a year

Geithner: the CBO said health care will reduce
the debt

Gregory: there’s debate about that

Geithner: no there isn’t stupid

Gregory: but he has to raise taxes!

Geithner: he will - on the rich

Gregory: oh noes!!!!

Geithner: suck it Fluffers

Gregory: but but but a serious person would raise taxes on the poor

Geithner: any other suggestions Gregory

Gregory: cut Medicare, Medicaid, and raise
the gas tax

Geithner: those are all great ideas - if you are a moron

[ break ]

Gregory: Marsha what about ending bailouts?

Blackburn: no the Obama bill will mean more bailouts

Gregory: how so?

Blackburn: regulating banks will mean raising
costs for regular people which is so so sad

Gregory: so what do you support?

Blackburn: Strong regulations with no control

Brownstein: actually I think people would like a
little Washington control of Wall Street

Rendell: the GOP thinks if they lie enough people
will believe it

Gregory: gee I can’t imagine why

Diaz-Balart: all this talk about reform doesn’t
affect people

Gregory: really?

Diaz-Balart: let’s not fund government - let’s fund Hispanics in small businesses

Gregory: like what

Diaz-Balart: the bodegas and the lights of
upper broadway

Gregory: forget the truth - who’s winning?

Brownstein: the GOP was in charge during the greatest crisis since the Great Depression - so naturally people believe government is the problem and we need to put the Republicans back in charge

Blackburn: Good idea

Gregory: the Democrats have to solve the problems the GOP created by raising taxes and then get voted out and the GOP will come in and we will repeat the cycle all over again

Blackburn: this election is about freedom - the American people oppose the tyranny of good health care and efficient light bulbs

Gregory: ‘Freedom’ got us an economic collapse

Blackburn: we all agree we need more oversight which I have always supported - just ‘oversight’ without ‘government’ or ‘controls’

Gregory: Politico says the Tea Party are scared and think Obama a socialist

Diaz: that is crazy - but people are sick and tired of bad things are in favor of good things

Gregory: wow

Brownstein: The GOP are winning now but people don’t really give a shit - they just want economic growth and some money in their pocket

Gregory: the Tea Party could take over a
Senate race!

Rendell: fuck that bunch of lunatics

Gregory: but people are angry about incompetent wars!

Blackburn: the Tea Party is an amoeba of people who just suddenly got really angry in 2009
about high taxes

Rendell: adios amoebas

Gregory: Michelle Bachmann who is your colleague and insane said we have a gangster government

Blackburn: those are words she said

Gregory: yes I know that - do you agree with that?

Blackburn: people are very angry about what will happen 50 years from now

Gregory: I’m just wondering if you realize that Michelle Bachmann is dangerously certifiable

Blackburn: well whenever you have a large gathering a few crazy people will show up

Gregory: she’s a Congresswoman!

Diaz-Balart: If anyone is angry it should be Hispanics - Obama hasn’t proposed immigration reform and the GOP are fuckin’ racists!

Brownstein: the Tea Party is going to drive away Hispanics

Diaz: Obama focused too much on health care

Brownstein: are you kidding Diaz? That’s pretty
lame knee jerk anti-Obama blather

Gregory: oh I think you’re going to fit well
here Jose
by Culture of Truth

This Week on ABC - April 18, 2010

Jake Tapper
Bill Clinton
Tapper: You started a debate about how lunatics are threatening violence which we were never talking about before

Clinton: indeed

Tapper: Rush Limbaugh says by pointing out the crazy things people are saying any violence will
be your fault

Clinton: that’s fucking crazy

Tapper: but he’s so credible

Clinton: by saying Idaho should secede they create a climate where people wear flag hats and claim Obama is an arab

Tapper: maybe Idaho should secede - their only resources are potatoes and white supremacists

Clinton: and the next thing you know you have American tragedies like Oklahoma City and the decline of John McCain

Tapper: is this like 1994?

Clinton: yes we provoked violence back then by ending trickle down economics and in 2008 by putting a black guy in the White House

Tapper: you are digitizing the entire world with your CGI Intitiative - will we all live on Pandora?

Clinton: no - although that would be cool

Tapper: where are your charities helping?

Clinton: we are trying to save devastated areas like Haiti, West Africa, Rhode Island and Syracuse

Tapper: wow that’s bold

Clinton: we’re installing solar lanterns in India

Tapper: Solar Lantern would be a cool
comic character

Clinton: awesome

Tapper: how do you get business to give
away money?

Clinton: Pfizer has a monopoly on a life saving drug and they realized they were losing out on a huge market of poor sick dying people

Tapper: they are filled with humanitarianism

Clinton: I appealed to their innate selfishness

Tapper: good idea - how do you deal with
rampant corruption?

Clinton: I was recently in a place where there were many poor people sleeping on the streets with a few rich people in government-paid limousines - the problem was no one in the whole nation even expect decent jobs, housing or health care

Tapper: were you in Somalia?

Clinton: no Washington DC

Tapper: What advice would you give Obama on choosing a Supreme Court justice?

Clinton: Hey Democrats allowed a vote on psychos like Clarence Thomas and Scalia - Obama might as well appoint a lesbian Native American Wiccan Communist

Tapper: but that would be divisive

Clinton: like Bush v. Gore? Fuck ‘em all

Tapper: so who would be a good choice?

Clinton: someone who has not been a judge?

Tapper: like who

Clinton: a county judge

Tapper: anyone else?

Clinton: someone with a big brain like Mario Cuomo

Tapper: well why not Bill Clinton

Clinton: I don’t think so - there’s no action on
the Court Tapper!

Tapper: Hatch wants your wife

Clinton: well so do I - but she’s too old

Tapper: Was Rubin wrong to deregulate the banks?

Clinton: no the problem is Bush crushed the SEC

Tapper: what about derivatives?

Clinton: it turned out that rich people are incredibly stupid and willing to bring down an entire system for a little money

Tapper: how do we get peace in the Middle East?

Clinton: we need a Palestinian state

Tapper: that would help

Clinton: hell the UAE is building a carbon-neutral city but all we can talk about is the Israel-Palestinian problem - it’s fucking annoying

Tapper: Obama enacted health care reform - do you get any credit?

Clinton: hell yes - we got a bill out of committee but then Bill Kristol killed it because he’s the biggest prick in the universe

Tapper: true enough
by Culture of Truth

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Meet The Press - April 11, 2010

Sen. James Leahy (D-VT)
Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL)
Sec. of State Clinton
Sec. of Defense Gates
Gregory: who should be on the Supreme Court?

Leahy: an Ordinary American who knows what it’s like to live on less than $500,000 a year

Gregory: someone outside the monastery?

Leahy: Celibacy leads to bad things greggers

Gregory: like molesting?

Leahy: that Gregorian Chant CD

Gregory: hey

Sessions: we need someone who realizes they are subordinate to the Constitution, Jesus Christ, states rights and who totally lacks empathy

Gregory: will this be a big fight?

Sessions: Obama should nominate someone uncontroversial who doesn’t think judges
know the Constitution best

Gregory: Obama must unite the nation by nominating a Corporation to sit on the court

Leahy: this is an activist court Fluffy - they rewrite the laws to pursue a conservative agenda

Gregory: that’s not what I asked - I asked whether Obama should do whatever Republicans want for the good of the nation

Leahy: well then he might as well nominate the most popular person in America - Hurley from Lost

Gregory: he is adorable

Sessions: the person could be on the court for 50 years - they could have something creepy in their backgrounds

Leahy: creepier than Jeff Sessions?

Gregory: good point

Sessions: John Roberts is not an activist - he
just re-writes incorrect laws

Leahy: hey cracker - that’s what activism is

Sessions: someone who believes in welfare is dangerous lunatic who must be stopped

Gregory: Will there be a fillybuster?

Session: we’ll see how radical Obama’s nominee is - Kagan is ok, Bill Ayers is not

Leahy: Calm down Fluffy - 51 Senators can approve a nominee

Gregory: no!

[ break ]

Gregory: Hillary some say this nuclear treaty weakens American while others say you are war-mongering imperialists

Clinton: we’re willing to reduce our nukes to a level where we can only destroy the earth 1,000 time over

Gregory: Critics say getting of nukes will allow Iran to invade Iowa

Gates: David is it true your head is a flotation device?

Gregory: [ fluffs hair ] what’s to stop North Korea from occupying Wyoming?

Gates: the Grand Tetons

Gregory: Tweetons?

Clinton: Terrorists are more likely to get access to old Soviet nukes which are now in countries with
a GDP of $243.18

Gregory: how comforting

Gregory: Speaking of Iran attacking Indiana
- when do you think that will happen?

Gates: We’re going to kick some Persian ass Fluffy!

Gregory: how so?

Gates: we need a legal platform - we’ll haul them into the People’s court if we have to!

Gregory: definitely time for Judge Wapner

Clinton: right

Gregory: Obama’s foreign policy of being nice
has totally failed

Clinton: that is wrong - we are now in a strong position with our new allies like France and our old friends like China

Gregory: Where are the results? Iran still doesn’t have a nuclear bomb!

Clinton: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: but if they had a bomb then you would have no results because they would have a bomb which they don’t yet have

Clinton: truly you have dizzying intellect

Gregory: is it more dangerous to be capable or to actually have weapons?

Clinton: no having weapons is more dangerous stupid

Gregory: Hamid Karzai says America tries to dominate Afghanistan just because we invaded
and occupied the country

Gates: yeah so what?

Gregory: He’s a jerk who doesn’t love America!

Gates: but a snappy dresser

Gregory: true

Gates: look his country is occupied - why shouldn’t he be mad?

Clinton: Exactly - the message is Calm. Down. Fluffy.

Gregory: Oh noe!

Clinton: I feel sympathy for Hamid - he’s not used to be attacked by the Taliban or being put on a Worst Dressed List

Gregory: Did Bibi blindside you?

Clinton: I’m not Sandra Bullock!

Gregory: I won’t go there

Clinton: oh that’s cold Fluffers

Gregory: when Health Care reform passed were you pissed or vindicated?

Clinton: I did all the work and he got the credit
- sure I’m thrilled

Gregory: so are you mad?

Clinton: Me, Bush, Nixon - we all did our part
- but I was in the administration that got it done!

Gregory: ok then

[ break ]

Brooks: Justice Stevens was a real old lefty - if Obama wants someone really popular he needs an uneducated angry person who was on
Dancing With the Stars

Ford: I agree with that - I am so angry with populist rage I will move my hands slightly when I talk

Gregory: you work at an investment bank!

Parker: the GOP wants to appear to be open minded but also must reject anyone who isn’t clinically insane

Gregory: Liberals say that this is an activist court and they want a fiery progressive to fight back

Sanger: Obama wants to nominate a non-ideologue to avoid a fight

Gregory: but he attacked the Court in front of Congress!

Brooks: I am unlike most people am deeply in touch with poor people who are mostly lazy

Gregory: Is Obama’s foreign policy a failure?

Sanger: oh yes we’ve been attacked by North Korea and Iran

Gregory: we have?

Sanger: metaphorically

Ford: Hey don’t underestimate the power of being able to say “I’m not George Bush”

Gregory: But isn’t America doomed?!

Parker: America is exceptional and powerful! Fuck yeah!!
[Waves Foam Finger ]

Brooks: We should undermine the Iranian regime by going on talk shows and mumbling stupid shit

Gregory: I’m with you Bobo

Sanger: the Iranians are wily Persians - what if they get a nuke but never tell anyone or use it?

Gregory: we should be totally terrified!

Sanger: Exactly - they will try to trick us into not being scared by not doing anything scary
- we must not fall for it!

Parker: Suddenly people are loving Karzai - it’s hard on our troops when people don’t love our puppets

Gregory: Just like the final days of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood

Ford: Criminy what do you want to do - act like crazy lunatics and go to war with Iran??

Gregory: Speaking of lunatics - Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin spoke in public this week

Brooks: She’s fun and crazy and good tv but we need to pay attention to normal people like Chris Christie

Gregory: Has Obama got his mojo back?

Parker: no not all at - he’s formidable

Gregory: that’s a yes

Parker: sorry what? [ sips mint julep ]
Written by Culture of Truth

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Meet The Press - April 4, 2010

Christina Romer (Director White House Council of Economic Advisors)
Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT)
Rep. Jane Harman (D-CA)
David Remnick
Richard Stengel

Gregory: wow - America actually had job growth
for the first time since Stupid left office

Romer: not too shabby Fluffy

Gregory: why is unemployment so high?

Romer: because this is the worst
recession in history

Gregory: Bush was that bad huh?

Romer: yes he really was

Gregory: even Democratic Congresspeople
says you’re out of touch

Romer: oh bull - we’ve passed stimulus, cash for cars, tax credits for hiring, home buyer tax credits, no capital gains tax, a tax cut for news versions of “CSI”-

Gregory: some say that stimulus was good
but not good enough

Romer: wow that’s bold

Gregory: people like things that are good

Romer: um yeah

Gregory: some say Obama is anti-business

Romer: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: why should anyone build a factory?!

Romer: gee I don’t know - maybe to build shit
people want?

Gregory: but I heard an anecdote that
Obama’s health plan sucks!

Romer: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: there are lines around the block to
buy the iPad!

Romer: thank god for steve jobs

Gregory: can we have a recovery fueled by
mindless spending on useless shit?

Romer: if so we might as well send all
our cash to China now

Greogry: shockingly the GOP doesn’t support regulating Wall Street

Romer: stunning indeed

Gregory: is China manipulating their currency?

Romer: maybe

Gregory: yes or no?!?!

Romer: you’re a true idiot

Gregory: should Dems campaign on turning the economy around?

Romer: absolutely - who wouldn’t want to take
credit for 10% unemployment?!

[ break ]

Gregory: OMG the terrorists are attacking in Iraq!

Lieberman: that’s a sign that we’re winning

Gregory: oh?

Lieberman: indeed - but also a sign we should never leave and also that Iran is swarthy and dangerous

Harman: I agree with Joe except it also means we should never leave Afghanistan

Gregory: we have new airport security rules to look for and I quote ‘scary people’

Chertoff: that’s right - but will the Dutch also screen for swarthyness?

Harman: it turns out banning all fliers from 25 nations was kind of stupid

Gregory: oh?

Harman: Jihad Jane - ha!

Gregory: New Yorkers must have their bags inspected because of Chechnya

Lieberman: oh yeah it’s all trains nowadays
- they’re the biggest targets by far

Gregory: that’s frightening

Lieberman: it’s absolutely terrifying Fluffy

Gregory: should we give accused terrorists a
fair trial or a kangaroo court?

Chertoff: if you catch someone in a battlefield then
a fair trial is too difficult

Harman: bullshit - the death eater is wrong

Lieberman: fuck the rule of law - we need the
Rule of War!

Gregory: is that a video game?

Lieberman: yeah it’s awesome

Gregory: the Hutaree are part of greater increase in utter lunatics since Obama divided our nation by becoming President

Lieberman: yes both parties are too blame - we need centrist bipartisanship - but the real threat is that we will pay attention to this and ignore swarthy terrorists

Gregory: that is disturbing

Harman: Hey Joe guess what - these are terrorists with IEDs and everything

Lieberman: they can’t be real terrorists
- they don’t have dark mustaches

Chertoff: the militia nuts are just like animal
rights terrorists

Gregory: oh of course

Chertoff: hey America succumbed to terrorism
in 2001 so why no adopt those tactics

Gregory: what about Iran?

Lieberman: there has never been an expansionist dangerous country with nuclear weapons in history!

Gregory: what about the USSR?

Lieberman: fuck that shit - we have to go
to war!!!

Harman: the real test is what the UN will do - will they pull the trigger or will those fuckers cave again!?!?

Gregory: you seem upset - do you want to go
to war with Iran too?

Harman: no

Gregory: ok

Harman: I want to go to war with Yemen!!!

Gregory: oh my

[ break ]

Gregory: guys Obama is winning but he’s still unpopular

Remnick: well unemployment is still high
- so not too bad

Stengel: 2 weeks ago he was the worst president ever - now he’s the next FDR

Gregory: What kind of President is he?

Remnick: he’s a centrist and conciliator - but he’s going to have to get tough on Iran and the global warming deniers

Stengel: Obama took his eye on the ball which
is the economy

Gregory: that’s genius Ricky

Stengel: not that he can really create jobs anyway

Gregory: he’s too robotic and unfeeling isn’t he?

Remnick: don’t be silly Fluffy - he’s President and a
policymaker not your mother

Gregory: but he gives a me a sad

Remnick: jeebus he just had a huge win Greggers

Gregory: he even reached out to the teabaggers!

Stengel: the teabaggers basically speak for all America when they are disenchanted with government and believe Obama is a New
Guinean witch doctor

Gregory: David is Obama black or white?

Remnick: neither - he’s a Vulcan

Gregory: I see

Remnick: he wants to President of the whole country - even the crazy people

Gregory: lucky for him that’s a majority

Gregory: he always wanted to be a transformational figure

Stengel: he wants to part of a transformation of America where we judge people not by the color of your skin but how smart you are

Gregory: no wonder the teabaggers are so mad

Stengel: Mandela spent his first year not calming blacks down but trying to reassure white people

Gregory: wow he is like Barack

Stengel: Mandela is now freakishly serene and calm - almost as much Obama

Remnick: he sits in meetings and absorbs information and processes it

Gregory: so is he a Vulcan or an android?

Stengel: to succeed he needs to be a more touchy-feely leader

Gregory: they should install an emotion chip

Stengel: indeed although that could be dangerous

Gregory: Obama 2.0!

This Week - April 4, 2010

Jake Tapper
Larry Summers (White House Economic Advisor)
Alan Greenspan

Tapper: we have the best economy in three years! So how much does Obama suck? We’ll ask Larry ‘the Hulk’ Summers.

Larry where are the jobs?

Summers: hey a year ago we were losing 600,000 jobs a month and now are gaining jobs means we have to do more

Tapper: like what?

Summers: we have to get heedless
unrestrained lending going again

Tapper: anything else?

Summers: tax credits!

Tapper: so you have had temporary success
- but let’s assume you fail

Summers: ok

Tapper: aha - so you admit Obama failed!

Summers: you’re dumb - as you sure you’re
not a woman?

Tapper: just give me the facts fat man

Summers: as conditions get better people start looking for work and then count as unemployed

Tapper: well how were you counting them before?

Summers: the Happy Homeless

Tapper: Is China manipulating their currency?

Summers: yes they’re using the five finger touch
of death

Tapper: those wily orientals

Summers: can you finally regulate Wall Street?

Summers: hey it’s not easy - Wall St. lobbyists have hired 2 prostitutes for every Congressman

Tapper: that seems redundant

Summers: ha - good one Jake

Tapper: Some Democrats say financial regulation doesn’t go far enough

Summers: this is a good bill - it limits risky trades
by the ‘too big to fail’ banks

Tapper: how so?

Summers: they can only gamble eleventy trillion dollars of taxpayer money

Tapper: are going to quit or be pushed out?

Summers: no I love presiding over the worst economy since Egypt lost the Jewish slaves

[ break ]

Tapper: ok old man - give me some of that Randian wisdom

Greenspan: building inventory is self-reinforcing
and so we are on the edge of an awesome
inventory bubble

Tapper: when do you think the real estate bubble
will pop?

Greenspan: when? dude my mansion is worthless - it’s already popped!

Tapper: you can’t sell your house at all?

Greenspan: no one wants an Ayn Rand-shaped swimming pool

Tapper: will the health care bill ruin America?

Greenspan: the CBO says no but the Fifth Rule
of Acquisition says we must ask ‘what if we are wrong’?

Tapper: did you ever ask that when you were advocating right-wing policies?

Greenspan: I can’t remember - do you have
any pudding?

Tapper: no I don’t - do you support the
Volcker Rule?

Greenspan: no because banks have to do stupid wasteful shit or they wouldn’t have anything to
do at all

Tapper: haven’t Ayn Rand and mindless capitalism been proven to be nothing more sociopathic insanity and completely disastrous?

Greenspan: not at all - look at all the wonderful effects of shock capitalism is the third world!

Tapper: so will you be moving to Somalia?

Greenspan: Andrea and I built a summer home
on Pitcairn Island

Tapper: nice

Greenspan: I was wrong about everything but
in my defense so was everyone else I know at the Objectivist society

Tapper: so you seem like an out of touch idiot

Greenspan: some people were right but for the wrong reasons - they just got lucky

Tapper: ok

Greenspan: it’s better to be wrong and believe
in the right things

Tapper: oh so you are a Republican