Sunday, March 28, 2010

Meet The Press - March 28, 2010

Chuck Schumer: (D-NY)
Lindsey Graham (R-SC)
Bob Shrum
Jon Meachem
Doris Goodwin
Mike Murphy

Gregory: Chuck AT&T proved this week that
I was right all along - people are going to lose
their insurance!

Schumer: No that’s a lie - just like death panels
and killing grandma

Gregory: Lindsey how do answer the charge
that Republicans were right?

Graham: that’s a good tough question Gregory - Democrats are eliminating Medicare, student loans, and AT&T will have stop delivering the great customer service they are known for - it’s Armeygeddon!

Gregory: so will you repeal the law?

Graham: yes we will force the Democrats to
double funding for Medicare

Schumer: ha - oh noes!

Graham: states will have empty referendums
on this bill!

Gregory: Chuck this bill costs $93 billion a year!

Schumer: that’s not very much Fluffy

Gregory: how do you answer the charge that this bill cuts the deficit but doesn’t cut it enough

Schumer: if we did nothing it would be
worse bubblehead

Gregory: the CBO, the Concord Coalition and
Count von Count from Sesame Street all say this will cut the debt - but how can that possibly be true when you cover millions of people?

Schumer: I heard you were a moron

Graham: I heard that too!

Schumer: from me

Schumer: Look Dancin’ Dave in the long run this
will cut a trillion dollars from the debt

Gregory: Chuck the middle class Americans are terrified that you will take away their health care and give it to an undeserving poor brown person

Schumer: well they’ve been fed a bunch of
bullshit for a year

Gregory: I have no idea how that could that happen in our intrepid media environment

Graham: this is a giant Ponzi scheme - this will
cut doctors!

Schumer: Good - there are a lot of crappy doctors out there x-raying people for money

Gregory: interesting

Schumer: we will discipline Doctors!

Graham: No Republican voted for this because
the CBO is full of liars!

Gregory: that’s a recent development I take it

Graham: you pay for health care with insurance payments - it’s a house of cards!

Gregory: fascinating

Graham: he’s an out-of-control leftist - he’s helped General Motors, fixed student loans and given people insurance - the GOP will not lets this
Marxist abomination stand!

Gregory: doesn’t calling Obama a Totalitarian lead to people cutting gas lines to Congressmen’s house?

Graham: well some people think it’s justified when he governs from the left ditch but you shouldn’t use the n-word

Gregory: Chuck have opponents gone
too far?

Schumer: ‘Have they’? What are you fucking nuts?? Yes Fluffy with attempted murder they have gone
too far

Graham: Democrats have poisoned the well by giving people health insurance without admitting Obama is a Kenyan Witch Doctor

Schumer: I disagree - we can have bipartisanship
on admitting only the right and good people into this country

Gregory: how do I know it’s a good idea?

Schumer: Lou Dobbs and Bill O’Reilly support it

Gregory: wow!

Graham: Recess appointments are a tool of the devil

Schumer: blow me

Graham: ok Chuck

[ break ]

Gregory: health care is a big fucking deal!

Shrum: Teddy knew it would happen

Gregory: Do we put Obama Mt. Rushmore now?

Meacham: this changes the narrative that we
talk about

Gregory: oh I see

Meacham: it also proves pundits are largely stupid

Gregory: so sad

Meacham: it’s also possible cutting gas lines and attempted murder is an overreaction to giving people health insurance

Murphy: this bill couldn’t pass a hypothetical non-existent GOP Congress

Gregory: wow

Gregory: years ago people attacked Social Security with epithets

Goodwin: a win like this emboldens a President
and a party

Gregory: but people hate this bill

Goodwin: you have to win public sentiment

Gregory: what can we learn from Obama’s failures?

Shrum: he made a lot of mistakes - but you know maybe the guy isn’t so dumb after all

Murphy: this is was a total failure of leadership - just like on Star Trek - you can’t get ahead of public opinion - you have to lead

Gregory: I want the drugs you’re on

Gregory: there’s the substance and the perception

Goodwin: we know what you care about Fluffy

Meachem: it’s terrible when John Lewis can’t walk across Capitol Hill without being spit on

Gregory: maybe the tea baggers just have bad allergies

Meachem: the tea baggers have the passion but the Progressives got this bill enacted

Goodwin: white people are terrified that black people are getting something

Gregory: the Democrats are doomed by antagonizing uneducated racists

Shrum: for god’s sake this is Mitt Romney’s bill

Murphy: no no it isn’t

Gregory: I feel something is being taken away
from me

Murphy: people hate labor but we need an agenda beyond ‘look - a black man in the white house!’

Gregory: has the Tea Party taken over the GOP?

Meacham: As Churchill once said, “What the fuck
is it with those whackjobs?”

Gregory: interesting

Meach: As Madison once said, “If men were angels, they would fly around in robes and get shot from helicopters by Sarah Palin”

Goodwin: People is mad!

Gregory: true

Goodwin: as LBJ once said, “Doris, do I look
good naked?”

Murphy: Everyone hates Obama except for Democrats, liberals, progressives, urban voters, the East coast, African-Americans, Hispanics, gays, the educated, young, students, 32 million uninsured-

Gregory: ok ok that’s all time we have


This Week with Jarrett, Rendell, Barbour - March 28, 2010

Jake Tapper
Valerie Jarrett - White House Advisor
Gov. Ed Rendell (D-PA)
Gov. Haley Barbour (R-MS)

Tapper: Hi Valerie is it true that Iran is about to violate international law by building nuclear bombs which we have thousands of?

Jarrett: yes and we’re going to kick Iranian ass!

Tapper: but don’t you convey weakness?

Jarrett: hell no Jack!

Tapper: when we will spank Iran?

Jarrett: next week - Obama’s rolling!

Tapper: speaking of that - Obama had a big success this week - how do you respond to the charge
that Obama is a big failure for enacting this unpopular bill?

Jarrett: when people see all the kittens and puppies in this law they will change their tune Jake

Tapper: AT&T says they will lose one billion dollars so then they can’t hire more customer service people to ignore you

Jarrett: Those big corporations are getting massive subsidies and deducting them from their taxes and we’re changing that - no wonder they’re whining
and crying

Tapper: the CBO says this is a good law but let’s assume it’s a total failure - is Obama willing to apologize to the American people for this
horrible law?

Jarrett: um, what?

Tapper: Teabaggers are attacking people using threats and violence - isn’t it inappropriate for Democrats to point that out?

Jarrett: no it’s not

Tapper: but it’s so uncivil and inappropriate!

Jarrett: you like that word don’t you

Tapper: I’m very appropriate at all times

Jarrett: yes I see

Tapper: is there a strong bond of love with
Obama and Bibi?

Jarrett: oh sure

Tapper: really cause I heard they hate each
other’s guts

Jarrett: yes but in a loving friendly way

[ break ]

Tapper: Gov. Barbour you say making people buy health insurance is unconstitutional but law-takers says that’s ignorant and pathetic grandstanding

Barbour: suddenly I’m very concerned about far-reaching powers of the federal government
- like what if every American had to buy a gun

NRA: hey that’s a damm good idea dammit

Rendell: the legal argument is stupid - they only reason the mandate is there is because we kept
the insurance system in intact

Tapper: if we give people health care won’t we
run out of doctors?

Rendell: No we have millions of doctors out
there doing nothing

Tapper: Oh?

Rendell: See we have a lot of unemployed PhDs in America - we just empower them to treat people and problem solved

Tapper: Do we really want people who wrote a thesis on medieval iconography in Jane Austen diaries performing surgery?

Rendell: don’t be silly - only art history majors will
be cutting into people

Gregory: Haley Barbour Mississippi is a fat unhealthy mess of a state - why would you sue to stop health care?

Barbour: That is all true but the problem is not a lack of insurance - it’s that most people here eat deep-fried lard in cream sauce

Tapper: that sounds tasty

Barbour: we were just about to pass real health care reform when that damm Obama came along!

Tapper: Ed everyone hates you - aren’t Democrats doomed?

Rendell: No people are going to like this bill and we’re not as fucked as people think we are - maybe

Tapper: Barbour it looks like the GOP blew it and people make like this law after all

Barbour: The Big Corporations are going to lose money - it’s so so so sad

Tapper: ok

Barbour: Candidly the liberal media is giving
oral sex to Obama

Rendell: no offense to you Jake but the media has been pounding Obama in the ass

Tapper: Isn’t David Paterson ruining the Democratic party nationwide?

Rendell: well he is a weasel but the Lt. Governor wasn’t elected

Tapper: Paterson wasn’t either

Rendell: yes he was idiot

Barbour: you can’t trust the CBO demmit

Tapper: ok ok

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Meet the Press - March 21, 2010

Rep. Steny Hoyer
Rep. John Boehner
Tim Kaine (Chair, DNC)
Michael Steele (Chair, RNC)
Anita Dunn
Ed Gillespie
Chuck Todd
Tavis Smiley
Gregory: Steny do you have the votes?

Hoyer: god I hope so - I bet my family fortune on it and on Kansas in the office NCAA pool

Gregory: I’m sorry to hear that

Hoyer: we have the votes - maybe

Gregory: will you hold the vote anyway?

Hoyer: we will hold a vote today and we will
have the votes! I’m pretty sure!

Boehner: any bill which the GOP doesn't vote
for must be bad

Gregory: that makes sense

Boehner: this bill will ruin America!

Hoyer: just like Clinton’s 1993 budget did?

Boehner: right

Gregory: the American people hate this bill

Hoyer: no they don’t - you lie about that every week

Gregory: [ smugly grinning ]
my selected poll says they do

Hoyer: I don’t care what General Electric says

Boehner: the Democrats are stealing money
from Medicare!

Hoyer: what an idiot you are

Boehner: Obama’s Health Czar will seize your body

Gregory: I’m stunned that the Teabaggers are
racist, homophobic lunatics

Boehner: let’s not let a few bad apples take away from the fact that Obama is an African witch doctor who wants to kill your white grandmother

Gregory: that is scary

Hoyer: this bill will help small businesses, expand insurance, and give every American a choice of a puppy, kitten or Glock 9

Boehner this is an immediate takeover of everything!

Gregory: what else about the bill is bad?

Boehner it doesn’t kick in until 2014!

Gregory: the CBO says this will cut the debt and stave off disaster

Boehner: yes but we have a great plan that isn’t a dangerous socialist plan

Gregory: why didn’t you enact it before?

Boehner we didn’t know a skillful black guy would
be elected President

Gregory: you can’t trust the CBO - they like Obama’s plan and I hate it!

Hoyer: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: Bohner will Democrats lose the House
in the fall?

Boehner well it’s a steep climb - after all everyone hates Republicans

Gregory: will you try to repeal this law?

Boehner well let’s not get crazy - after all people
like insurance

Gregory: so what is the GOP plan?

Boehner yell and scream that Obama will bankrupt this country

Gregory: anything else?

Boehner: file a lawsuit saying that we are all the Jews for Obama’s Indonesian cannibal cauldron of Sharia Kenyan Marxist Sacrificial Commission of Death

Gregory: well good luck with that

[ break ]

Gregory: Mike how terrible will it be for Obama
if he wins?

Steele: oh it will be awful - Obama and the Democrats will be defeated in the fall if they pass this bill

Gregory: I can’t wondering if maybe you are insane

Steele: no this has Commissions - it’s basically a Marxist takeover of America’s precious fluids

Kaine: um yeah - I’ll take your concern for Democrats with all due consideration

Steele: you should listen to me - don’t do this!!

Kaine: we’re going to run on crushing the insurance companies and it’s going to be awesome!

Gregory: oh sure you say that now - but the stimulus still isn’t popular

Kaine: hey Dancin’ Dave did you know 42%
is not a majority?

Gregory: oh noe!

Kaine: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: word appears to have gotten out

Kaine: this is a good bill with popular ideas

Gregory: the merits don’t matter - I want to talk
about inside baseball

Kaine: Fluffyhaid you are an idiot

Steele: we’re turning the economy on its head!!

Gregory: why is Congress so unpopular?

Steele: because Congressmen didn’t want lunatics screaming epithets at them in Town Hall meetings

Gregory: speaking of that - teabaggers are out there yelling “nigger!”

Steele: we have a handful of people saying
hateful and ignorant things

Gregory: enough about John Boehner and Mitch McConnell

Steele: there’s a fine line between clever and stupid

Gregory: the Republican Committee jumped over it

Steele: that’s just the national committee - they don't represent good white Republicans like me

Gregory: Obama wants to steer the ship of state to help people

Steele: it's immoral - the American nation was founded by people who love business and hate government

Kaine: In 8 years Republicans destroyed this country and it’s to Barack Hussein Obama
to rescue it!

Steele: Holy moley!

Gregory: can we ever have bipartisanship?

Kaine: we can all agree on cracking Mexican skulls

Steele: damm right!
[ high fives Kaine ]

[ break ]

Gregory: If Obama passes health care reform do we take Teddy Roosevelt off Mount Rushmore?

Dunn: His kung fu is mighty mighty!

Gillespie: I greatly respect his ability to push through a bill which will wreck America by restoring majority rule

Todd: It’s a philosophical difference - Democrats are swarthy welfare cheats who buy votes and Republicans are devout Christians who
think people shouldn’t get health care

Smiley: if you're gonna lose, go down swingin’!

Dunn: insurance companies spent a billion dollars
to defeat the bill!

Gregory: probably to help Democrats from themselves

Dunn: one week from now people will wake up to free insurance, small business tax credits and sugarplums in their beds

Gregory: Boooooooooring!!!

Todd: ha good one Fluffy

Gregory: what mistakes did Obama make in enacting this historic legislation?

Todd: Letting Max Baucus write the bill and not seducing Olympia Snowe

Gillespie: Republicans will take over in the fall and ruin this country again like we did before

Gregory: [ grinning idiotically ]
who wins!? who loses?!?!

Todd: jeebus Fluffy even I think you look like a fool

Gregory: ha ha ha

Todd: People need to see the benefits immediately or they will panic and vote the party they know
are insane

Smiley: people are dyin’ goddammitt - pull your head out of your ass!

Gregory: but those Congressmen are scared-

Smiley: I was talkin’ ‘bout you Fluffy!!

Gillespie: the IRS will raid your home and murder your grandma!

Gregory: Bush ignored the people for 8 years

Gillespie: when you are Commander-in-Chief you have a moral obligation to repeal the Constitution

Gregory: but you cannot take the savings to the bank!

Dunn: oh sure Gregory loves the CBO until it favors the health care bill

Gregory: ha ha you got me Anita

Dunn: this bill is going to pass so you can
suck it Greggers

Gregory: ha ha that’s the last word


This Week - March 21, 2010

March 21, 2010
Jonanthan Karl
Rep. John Larson (D-CT)
Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA)
David Plouffe (Obama White House Advisor)
Karl Rove (Bush White House Advisor)
Karl: So Rep. Larson - I've never heard of you - so do you have the votes?

Larson: damm right!

Karl: really, for sure?

Larson: fuck yeah!

Karl: Eric have they defeated you?

Cantor: oh no we’re winning

Karl: it seems like they have

Cantor: well if they have it’s only because they bribed Louisiana by promising them health care
for their citizens

Karl: that is disturbing

Larson: are you on the side of the insurance industry or the people?

Cantor: I warn you Democrats don’t pass this bill - the American people are scared!!

Larson: oh the American people are always scared over some bullshit you scream about

Karl: how many Democrats will lose because
of this bill?

Larson: millions of people will die if we don’t enact this bill!

Karl: Eric will this bill really ruin America -
I mean any more that Bush already did?

Cantor: the people are terrified, it’s all about fear!

Karl: but is any of that true?

Cantor: they are frightened!

Karl: but is that a lie or false?

Cantor: you’ve got people out there scared

Karl: so you keep saying

Larson: sure they’re scared - you’re all out there yelling “there’s a nigger in the White House!”

Cantor: no one supports that

Karl: Boehner is screaming “it’s Armageddon!!”

Cantor: true but Boehner is our resident House embarrassing nutjob

Karl: Obama says we shouldn’t focus on whether this helps Obama - so does it help Obama?

Plouffe: this is about insurance companies vs. regular people and big corporations vs. cute puppies and kittens

Karl: if you lose this vote do you lose the House??

Plouffe: this vote proves politics and elections matter godammit!

Karl: so Rove are you geninuely concerned about the Democrats?

Rove: oh yes the Dems are just like Bernie Madoff - they don’t even cut the deficit!

Karl: like you did with the Iraq war?

Rove: right - it’s terrible!

Karl: oh noes!

Rove: look at my magic markers and whiteboard - they cut Medicaid!

Karl: how sophisticated

Rove: it’s a disaster!

Plouffe: and who would know more about disasters and false accounting than Karl Rove and George Bush?

Rove: you spend too much - don’t lecture fiscal conservatives like me and Bush about spending

Karl: he’s got a whiteboard - he must be right

Rove: you lie!!

Karl: I will let Karl Rove yell and scream nonsense for ten minutes

Rove: The Dems will take our surplus and make it a deficit!

Karl: wow!

Rove: they will bankrupt the country!

Karl: isn’t it kamikaze to fight for what you
believe in?

Plouffe: no dumbass this about leading delivering for the people

Karl: but isn’t it time for the Unions to back off?

Plouffe: watch out Jonathan or you will wake up
with a pony head in your bed

Karl: but let’s talk more about division in the Democratic party

Rove: Democrats have fascistically threatened the use of the President of the United States!

Plouffe: what a ridiculous person you are

Rove: [ interrupting ]
Obama violated the CAN-SPAM act!

Plouffe: why don’t you go shake down Wall Street or destroy another American city?

Rove: that hurts Pluffy

Karl: isn’t it Obama’s fault that Republicans call Obama a New Guinea witch doctor?

Rove: [interrupting ]
Obama has been detached, aloof uppity and altogether black

Plouffe: interrupting, screaming, spitting -
it’s all they got

Karl: Ok then

Rove: [ spits ]

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Meet The Press - March 14, 2010

Tom Brokaw
David Axelrod - White House advisor
Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL)
Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC)
Karl Rove
Tom Friedman
David Brooks
Brokaw: David the health care bill is 2,700 pages long - what page provides health coverage for
mindless books about generations?

Axelrod: the American people have witnessed a year-long debate, filibuster-proof votes in the House and Senate, and they don’t give a shit about procedure - they want goddamm health care reform!

Brokaw: President Brown says we shouldn’t have multi-trillion dollar health care in America

Axelrod: did you know Massachusetts has the
same plan and he never tried to repeal it

Brokaw: maybe so but he is good looking and
drives a truck

Axelrod: we stopped a Depression and Scott Brown just voted for another Obama jobs bill!

Brokaw: what about the little fetuses?

Axelrod: not only are they protected they can
now carry guns

Brokaw: Democrats are very scared of the teabaggers

Axelrod: they need to suck it up and realize they
are going to criticized whatever they do

Brokaw: well many of them are not used to that

Axelrod: yes I noticed

Brokaw: but the bill is so long and scary

Axelrod: hey dipshits you gotta go back to your constituents with an accomplishment!

Brokaw: but how can you be sure what this bill
will cost - after all when I served in WWII we had no idea FDR would nuke Lousiana

Axelrod: that’s a good point Tom

Brokaw: will you get it passed?

Axelrod: yes probably

Brokaw: certainly?

Axelrod: definitely highly likely

Brokaw: Israel gave a big fuck you to Joe Biden

Axelrod: that’s true

Brokaw: why didn’t Obama call Bibi and give
him a beat down Obama-style?

Axelrod: he didn’t need to - Joe was there

Brokaw: what did he do?

Axelrod: threatened to keep coming back unless they apologized

Brokaw: what did they do?

Axelrod: they started removing settlements the
next day

[ break ]

Brokaw: Congressman do you have the votes
for health care?

Clyburn: no but we will - I think

Brokaw: Democrats are scared that GOP opponents will read the bill during debates in the fall

Clyburn: I don’t think so - how many GOP candidates can actually read?

Brokaw: Dick will the Senate wreck the House bill?

Durbin: I am in the process of trying to reach
every Democratic Senator

Brokaw: have you gotten them all?

Durbin: yes I reached Blanche Lincoln in the Republican cloakroom and Ben Nelson at
the Hair Club for Men

Brokaw: people say they oppose government takeover of Medicare

Durbin: you see what kind of stupidity we’re up against

Brokaw: let me warble GOP talking points

Durbin: go ahead Tom

Brokaw: warble warble

Brokaw: Clyburn could I get a free abortion with
this bill?

Clyburn: no - Bart Stupak is one of my best friends and a fucking liar

Brokaw: the Black Caucus says Obama doesn’t care about black people

Clyburn: yeah that makes sense

Brokaw: can you assure black people the
recession will end in 3 months?

Clyburn: looks like they picked you from the same Idiot Tree where the found Dancing Dave

Durbin: Tom the US economy will pick up when the GOP stops filibustering progress

Brokaw: arble

[ break ]

Brokaw: Karl some call you Bush’s Brain and liberals call your Treasonous Motherfucker

Rove: hi everybody
[ waves ]

Bush: [ waching tv at home]
hey Laura there’s turdblossom

Laura: that’s nice dear

Brokaw: Karl is Obama making the same mistake you did when you failed to pass Social Security?

Rove: no because we had bipartisan support for
our utter failure

Brokaw: why has Obama failed?

Rove: he’s lazy

Brokaw: will the GOP run against health care reform?

Rove: yes - when you think about it it’s amazing that Obama is not more popular just because Fox news keeps calling him Hitler

Brokaw: so oppose the bill no matter what it says

Rove: absolutely

Brokaw: but you don’t even know what is in the bill!

Rove: right - that’s also terrible!

Brokaw: I noticed you didn’t find fake WMD so apparently we invaded another country for no
good reason

Rove: that’s a fair point - I admit with no WMD the
UN would not have ordered Bush to invade Iraq

Brokaw: Dick Cheney said ‘so who gives a shit
we would have invaded anyway’

Rove: John Kerry said the same thing

Brokaw: oh well forget I said anything then

Rove: look the UN forced us to attack Iraq
- there was nothing we could do

Brokaw: we only have a half hour so I can only list
a few of your other epic failures - for example the oil revenues-

Rove: it’s not fair to say we screwed up control the oil - we fucked that up before we ever invaded

Brokaw: anyway it was utter chaos in Iraq

Rove: well sure - but two and half years after the war started al qaeda attacked us and we were caught completely by surprise

Brokaw: you sound like incredible idiots

Rove: no fair we had a plan

Brokaw: but it failed

Rove: eh

Brokaw: Sarah Palin

Rove: I love her but she’s a moron

Brokaw: Teabaggers

Rove: they finally realized that spending and government is bad under a black man

Brokaw: Dick Cheney shot your lawyer and you
got miffed

Rove: yes that’s when I finally realized he’s completely psychotic

Brokaw: do you think Fox News is fair to Obama

Rove: oh yes absolutely

Brokaw: with all due respect you have got to be kidding

Rove: but Joe Scarborough is a liberal and
Rachel Maddow is gay

Brokaw: arble barble

[ break ]

Brokaw: David Brooks is health care the apocalypse?

Brooks: yes

Brokaw: oh?

Brooks: Obama is just like Bush

Brokaw: of course

Brooks: I miss the greatest generation - if there’s one thing people learn in war it’s never to take risks

Friedman: if the GOP stops him he might as well resign

Brooks: Obama should just try to little things and let health care fester for a little while

Brokaw: since Bush was a terrible President I can’t support Obama arble

Brooks: I’m very concerned that this is too expensive - unlike war and tax cuts which are of course free

Brokaw: while Biden was in Israel they announced they would build 1,600 new settlements in Delaware

Hillary: hey Bibi take your settlements and shove them up your fat ass!

Friedman: Israel is a crazy drunk driver

Brokaw: who will take away their keys?

Friedman: we did Israel a huge favor invading Iraq and they thank us by dissing the best Vice President since Al Gore

Brokaw: oh my

Friedman: we give them lots in aid in cash and could they have given Obama a beer?! Is that too much?

Brokaw: It seems like everyone in the world hates our guts

Friedman: if we don’t get tough with Israel no one
will respect us

Brooks: cocooned shut-in bloggers are ruining our political dicourse

Brokaw: oh noes the bloggers!

Brooks: the ability to create a twitter feed will bring down the American Empire

Brokaw: [ tweets ] brooksie sez tweets r bad

Brooks: being stupid feels really good

Brokaw: that is so true

Friedman: we have one party governing and another party throwing spit balls and erasers from the back row

Brokaw: Reagan was overwhelmingly re-elected - maybe people should calm the fuck down

Brooks: I’m with you Tom

Brokaw: you got it baby

Friedman: America is the greatest Dysfunctional Show on Earth!

Brokaw: Warble
posted by Culture of Truth

This Week - March 14, 2010

Jake Tapper
David Axelrod (White House Advisor)
Lindsey Graham (R-SC)
Tapper: so Dave are you going pass health
care or not?

Axelrod: yes we will crush the health care lobbyists! Maybe

Tapper: President Scott Brown (R-Cosmo) says you are a fascist for passing this bill - isn’t he right?

Axelrod: we’re trying to enact the same plan he never tried to repeal in Massachusetts

Tapper: but the American people hate the bill

Axelrod: no they don’t Jake - they hate the lies they’ve been told about the bill but when you ask them about provisions really in the plan they like it

Tapper: but the Poles!

Axelrod: screw those Slavic bastards

Tapper: ok

Axelrod: we’re not walking away from this
- we’re taking this fight to the next election

Tapper: no one wants health care reform

Axelrod: it will help the American people so
we’re doing it dammit

Tapper: so will you enact the bill this week or never?

Axelrod: people deserve an up or down vote
on this crappy bill no one likes

Tapper: what about the special deals for individual Senators - like Ben Nelson gets free hairpieces for life

Axelrod: that’s a good point Tapper - for example some states get special benefits if the entire state
is a disaster area but that could apply to every state in the South

Tapper: and Nebraska and Montana

Axelrod: and California, Alaska and Iraq

Tapper: will it reduce the deficit which is terribly important now that a Democrat is President?

Axelrod: sure why not

Tapper: will the House pass a bill on complete faith in the U.S. Senate which is not the greatest idea?

Axelrod: they have to Tapster

Tapper: I’m confused

Axelrod: we already had an up or down vote on
all these bills many times

Tapper: so you will ram Obama’s package down
our throats?

Axelrod: that’s exactly right Jake

Tapper: John Roberts says he felt threatened by a bunch of angry white Senators

Axelrod: yeah they’re a scary bunch alright

Tapper: but he was surrounded!

Axelrod: I could carve a judge out of a banana
and get better rulings

Tapper: Israel slapped Joe Biden in the face

Axelrod: They sure insulted Joe

Tapper: so what will be the consequences?

Axelrod: if they don’t apologize we will be forced to send Joe Biden there again and again

Tapper: do the new Israel settlements put U.S. lives at risk?

Axelrod: fuck Bibi - you don’t diss Barack Hussein Fucking Obama!

[ break ]

Tapper: Lindsey you say reconciliation is fascist
but you voted for reconciliation when it suited you

Graham: yes but health care affects one sixth
of the economy

Tapper: and Bush tax cuts don’t?

Graham: this is completely different after all we
have a black Democratic President now

Tapper: The Democrats say the people want this bill

Graham: the American people are just sick of
this crap

Tapper: meaning what?

Graham: they’re going to cut Medicare!

Tapper: you’re the President’s best friend - is Obama committed to immigration?

Graham: no he doesn’t meet with Republicans every day - it’s so sad

Tapper: what should be do

Graham: let Senator Obama propose a bill and I
will decide whether or not to veto it

Tapper: where is the leadership from John McCain

Graham: give the old man a break - he’s being primaried by a lunatic

Tapper: to be fair last time the GOP killed the immigration bill!

Graham: no that’s not fair - Obama is a sleazy black man cheating and is going to use a trick which we used to use all the time

Tapper: if a Republican works with Obama the teabaggers will kill them

Graham: this Obama character President is arrogant and uppity - who the hell does this black guy think he is?

Tapper: Sen Inhofe says if we close Gitmo swarthy terrorists will run for office in America and install Shaira law in our elementary schools

Graham: we need new laws to suspend the rule
of law in America

Tapper: but then we won’t have any laws at all

Graham: right - we need a legal framework to treat terrorists as warriors

Tapper: how odd

Graham: Gitmo is recruitment tool for terrorists

Tapper: so it’s a threat to American troops?

Graham: yes closing it is still a tough call - we should stop arguing about it since the one thing we can all agree on is that we have arrogant uppity black man in the White House

Tapper: thanks for coming Lindy
posted by Culture of Truth

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Meet The Press with Sec. Sebelius - March 7, 2010

March 7, 2010
Kathleen Sebelius (Sec. Of HHS)
Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT)
Harold Ford
E.J. Dionne
Rich Lowry

Gregory: Kathy I hate health care reform and
I’m willing to lie to defeat it

Sebelius : we all know that

Gregory: it is a fact that Americans don’t like Obama’s health reforms

Sebelius : it’s fact that you’re a fucking liar

Gregory: [ fluffs hair ]

Sebelius : did you know that people are suffering and Fluffy if people are so goddamm happy with their health insurance do you think they are happy with 40% increases in premiums?

Gregory: I saw a guy on the street who told me
that Obama will fail

Sebelius : I really don’t give a shit about your so-called facts Dancin Dave

Gregory: it’s a really important point whether if this isn’t enacted by Easter Obama will just let it go

Sebelius : good god you are infathomably shallow

Gregory: Easter - yes or no?!?

Sebelius : I officially have total contempt for you

Gregory: Is Obama’s agenda at stake??!

Sebelius : no dimwit - what’s at peril is
America’s health

Gregory: what mistakes has Obama made?

Sebelius : he underestimated your stupidity?

Gregory: anything else

Sebelius : well we need to sell the evil of
insurance companies better

Gregory: you didn’t communicate to the people

Sebelius : right - we spend months assuring the public we weren’t actually going to kill old people

Gregory: Obama wants to control costs but I talked to anonymous Republicans and Warren Buffet
said it doesn’t do that!

Sebelius : calm down Fluffy

Gregory: but why not just do what the GOP wants?

Sebelius : yeah RomneyCare worked great

Gregory: Big Shoulders are covered

Sebelius : idiot

Gregory: you don’t deal with tort reform!

Sebelius : that’s a lie Greggers

Gregory: but not malpractice reform!

Sebelius : that’s another lie

Gregory: but you can’t possibly disagree with
Saint Warren of the Buffet

Sebelius : brace yourself Fluffy - I do disagree
with the richest man in America on the need for guaranteed health care

Gregory: [ falls on fainting couch ]

Sebelius : I heard you were a moron

Gregory: but the Mayo Clinic says this will probably work but where are the guarantees??

Sebelius : look stupid we know prevention and technology reduce costs

Gregory: will a future Congress really raise taxes?

Sebelius : sure why not

Gregory: Stupak wants to ban health care for wimmins health

Sebelius : we’re not going to pay for abortions I promise!!

Gregory: how do you get President Stupak’s vote?

Sebelius : persuade him by putting a pony head
in his bed

Gregory: really??

Sebelius : no Bart’s just misinformed

Gregory: so you maintain he’s just an idiot

Sebelius : yes - you’d like him

[ break ]

Gregory: so right wingers - what will happen
with ObamaCare?

Hatch: the Founding Fathers wanted one Senator to stop all action therefore Obama is a fascist

EJ Dionne: Dems must pass this because they have to show they can get shit done and also it’s necessary for the future of America

Gregory: President Obama how do you get
the votes?

Ford: I’m Harold Ford

Gregory: what?!?!

Ford: I was just walking around outside and
your producer grabbed me

Gregory: oh well close enough

Ford: we need to win over Republicans!

Gregory: we know all we need to know - the American people hate this bill

Lowry: the Democrats will be destroyed if this
bill passes!!

Gregory: so so so true

Lowry: Tom Daschle said we should be like Australia

Hatch: to pass a bill with a majority vote is Nazisocialisfascicomminsim!!!

Gregory: please elaborate

Hatch: reconciliation has never been used to pass this bill before

Gregory: oh noe!

Hatch: it’s sweeping and therefore terrible!!

Gregory: that’s shocking!!

Hatch: it’s 2,700 pages [ sobs ]

Dionne: Orrin I can’t tell if you are lying or are completely insane

Gregory: elaborate?

Hatch: Bush always ignored polls and used reconciliation to pass tax cuts!

Hatch: Katie Bar the Door!!!

Dionne: good god

Lowry: Jesus Orrin shut the fuck up

Ford: Nobody fucking cares about the
goddam process

Gregory: but Warren Buffet says Obama doesn’t cuts cost!

Hatch: Obama didn’t invite me to his birthday party!!!
[ starts sobbing ]

Gregory: it’s a such a cruel twist than a right-wing idiot from Tennessee can’t run for the Senate from New York without being mocked

Ford: I’ve been in New York for 60 days and I can assure you that we need to cut taxes

Gregory: fascinating

Gregory: who threatened you Harold?

Ford: I keep getting questioned about gays and stuff when in New York what people really care about is electing a bland corporate shill from Tennessee

Gregory: so why not run?

Ford: it turns out I would criticized and that’s unacceptable

Gregory: should Gov. Paterson step down?

Ford: hell yes - let me be Governor!

Gregory: Rich Lowry what does it mean for Democrats that I hate them?

Lowry: it’s so sad that everyone hates Democrats

Gregory: Orrin Hatch I noticed your party is full
of racists

Hatch: no there are good blacks like Harold Ford here

Ford: yay me!

Dionne: when Ford runs for Senate from Tennessee he can use that endorsement!

Ford: wow good idea E.J.

Gregory: E.J. are the Democrats doomed?

Dionne: the bill will be fucking popular Fluffy

Gregory: hey Orrin there’s violence all over Iraq

Hatch: see this proves invading Iraq was a great idea because there’s a chance this country can survive the Bush reign of terror

Gregory: so you think Iraq can survive?

Hatch: I was talking about the U.S.


The Chris Matthews Show - March 7, 2010

Dan Rather
Andrea Mitchell
Katty Kay
Joe Klein

Matthews: OMG Obama should never have
tried reform health care!!!

Rather: three words: bad bad bad jobs jobs jobs

Mitchell: Pelosi has to persuade Dennis Kucinich and Bart Stupak to vote for the same bill - how do you do that??

Klein: Nancy is really good at whipping people

Matthews: how do you get the fetus-Americans
on board

Kay: the pr- life Dems will derail all health care in
order to limit women’s rights

Mitchell: the Hyde Abides!

Klein: the good news is private insurers will not cover abortion -- they’d rather cover a baby for
the next 26 years

Rather: it’s socialism like a cactus in the morning

Mitchell: it’s a government takeover of health care
[ sobs ]

Kay: it’s possible this bill won’t result in genocide

Matthews: whoa!

Kay: if this doesn’t pass the GOP will have a
better issue than if it does

Klein: the elderly care about donuts

Matthews: Does Obama get a bill?

Kay: yes

Rather: yes but it in the bank and put a lock on it
and smack it on the griddle

Mitchell: yes or else Obama will resign

Klein: yes

Matthews: a great triumph for Pelosi!

Klein: nah

Rather: the GOP will say Obama is a nice person although he succeeded in passing health care Obama had to try too hard to do it and Obama
can’t sell watermelons to the NAACP

Matthews: only Teddy Roosevelt could create
the Panama canal!

Matthews: HA! Look JFK was an Indian and Nixon played the piano!

Teabaggers: Elitist!!!

[ break ]

Matthews: Karl Rove admitted that WMD was a lying sales pitch to trick America is supporting their phony war!

Rather: you can send that dog to hunt but you can’t make it a ballet dancer

Mitchell: they say they didn’t lie about WMD but it turns out they are lying about that too

Kay: They lied to get us into a fucking war!!!!

Klein: Dick Cheney didn’t do the due diligence because he’s an idiot and a vampire

Mitchell: Cheney’s book will go after his critics and Bush’s book will connect the dots

Matthews: ooh it will reveal all the connections between Iraq and terror?

Mitchell: no it’s a children’s book idiot

Matthews: will Bush’s book explain his other disasters like the economy?

Mitchelll: and Katrina

Matthews: oh right - forgot about that one

Klein: Bush’s book will make people love him

Matthews: Bush is really a mensch

Bush [watching at home]: hey laura what’s a mench??

Laura: that’s nice dear