Sunday, February 28, 2010

Meet the Press - February 28, 2010

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ)
Nancy-Ann DeParle: White House health reform director
Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA)
Rep. Wasserman Schultz (D-FL)
Marc Morial - President National Urban League

Gregory: what happened at the health care summit?

McCain: it was 7 hours - almost as much fun as
a Matlock marathon

Gregory: so it was good

McCain: yes but the President is planning to seize tyrannical power by passing laws with 51 votes

Gregory: so how will you react if the Democrats
do this terrible thing

McCain: reconciliation is evil

Gregory: you voted for reconciliation 9 times

McCain: yes but I objected strenuously to my votes

Gregory: Obama reminded you that the American people hate you

McCain: yes but the idea that you pass laws with
60 votes and a massive majority in the House is
just plain crazy

Gregory: how odd

McCain: it’s totally unsavory to make a deal to build a hospital in Connecticut behind closed doors

Gregory: you’re kidding

McCain: policy cannot be made by deals made
with lawmakers

Gregory: with all due respect you cannot possibly
be serious

McCain: I am serious and don’t offer me pudding
if you don’t have any

Gregory: John I didn’t offer you pudding

McCain: [ yells at cloud ]

Gregory: this bill is just like RomneyCare

McCain: why don’t the Democrats just agree to what Republicans want after all I was elected President - not him

Gregory: no you weren’t - you lost

McCain: then why I am always on tv?

Gregory: you’re the Jerry Stiller of pundit tv - a hilariously weird grandpa

McCain: look the way you have bipartisan negotiations is you get drunk with Ted Kennedy
and completely forget what you agreed to -
Obama didn’t do this that way at all

Gregory: How should Obama do it?

McCain: agree to everything Republicans want

Gregory: is it good for Republicans to do nothing?

McCain: the American people want us to start over go behind closed doors and make a deal

Gregory: why do the American people hate the bill so much?

McCain: the people hate cynical deals made behind closed doors

Gregory: you’re senile but JD Hayworth is insane

McCain: believe me I know

Gregory: is Obama a socialist?

McCain: look Obama refuses to sit down with us

Gregory: he sat down with you this week

McCain: which proved how wily he is!

Gregory: you said before that if military leaders supported repealing ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ You would agree but now you don’t

McCain: but there’s a supply sergeant in Germany who doesn’t like gays so we can’t

Gregory: I see

McCain: they are all saying no

Gregory: no they aren’t

McCain: it’s clear that we are in two wars so
gays are icky

Gregory: you voted for the evil TARP

McCain: Hank Paulson lied to me!!!

Gregory: you seem easily fooled

McCain: I’m no Matlock

Gregory: he says without TARP we’d have 25% unemployment

McCain: I read it in all the newspapers - they lied to all of us and saved General Motors which is nuts!!

Gregory: Iraq has been incredibly successful - can we do the same wonderful things in Afghanistan?

McCain: oh of course - but don’t forget we could still fail in Iraq - that’s what a great idea invading was

Gregory: should we leave Afghanistan?

McCain: I would appreciate it if Obama would go to Afghanistan and tell them he is never leaving

Gregory: anything else

McCain: he could name me President

Gregory: see you next week John

[ break ]

Gregory: Nancy can Obama pass health care reform or not?

DeParle: the President is trying desperately to point out we really need to enact reform

Gregory: do you have the votes?

DeParle: No

Gregory: has the President finally realized Republicans will never stop calling him a Nazi
New Guinean Witch Doctor?

DeParle: hey health care reform already passed the House and Senate by 60 votes

Gregory: McCain objects to all your secret deals

DeParle: I don’t know what Senile John is talking about

Gregory: oh but you did make Super Secret Deals!!

DeParle: how do you know?

Gregory: Honest John McCain told me!

DeParle: the election is over and the geezer lost!

Gregory: how can you go ahead with health care reform when the American people don’t want it

DeParle: they do want health care reform Fluffy

Gregory: if that’s true then why didn’t I put up
a poll that shows that?

DeParle: because you’re a liar and a corporate whore

Gregory: David Brooks says you should raise taxes

DeParle: he’s an idiot

Gregory: but he’s right

DeParle: so let him raise taxes or shut the fuck up

[ break ]

Gregory: Eric why hasn’t health care reform passed?

Cantor: because the American people have decided that health care is no big deal and the most important thing is not letting people sue for malpractice

Wasserman Schultz: hey dipshit right now we’ve got death panels and they are called insurance companies and Dancin’ Dave if you want to quote
a poll - quote that!

Gregory: General Electric won’t let me

Gregory: the reality is that people hate health
care reform

Morial: the reality is that you’re a paid liar

Brownstein: we saw different philosophies this week - the Dems want to cover people with health insurance and Republicans want to protect corporations from lawsuits

Kay: you American idiots have health care just above fucking Cuba

Gregory: let’s face it - Republicans are right all Americans hate the government

Morial: holy shit I heard you are a moron

Cantor: we Republicans care about suffering people - the best way to help people is to empower them to negotiate for heart surgery while they are dying

Wasserman Schultz: good god people are already paying for poor people getting treatment in an emergency room

Gregory: no no no reality check time

Brownstein: the CBO says ObamaCare would lower the deficit but the GOP says they don’t count because it supports a Democratic plan

Gregory: of course

Brownstein: the real problem is white people are afraid they will be giving something free to a lazy black person

Wasserman Schultz: Democrats would cover people, cut costs and cut taxes and the GOP would provide gold toilets to the CEO of all the big insurers

Cantor: we have an [ air quotes ]
“incremental approach”

Wasserman Schultz: that’s code for do nothing

Cantor: we have universal coverage in our bill

Wasserman Schultz: no you don’t you fucking lizard

Cantor: how did you know I was a reptile?

[ rips off face, sticks out forked tongue ]

Gregory: eww

Kay: If the GOP can carry the amphibian and reptilian votes they can carry Florida and Arizona

Morial: what ever happened to fucking democracy?!?

Cantor: Pelosi wants to ram through her homosexual agenda

Wasserman Schultz: they just want Obama to fail
- oy vey

Gregory: Eric could you support anything in ObamaCare?

Cantor: tort reform, fewer restrictions on insurers and Obama resigning

Gregory: Obama should never have pushed for a necessary popular health care reform

Kay: that’s entirely dimwitted Daniel

Gregory: my name’s David

Kay: really?

Morial: we need to pass a motherfucking bill!

Brownstein: this is a gut-check moment Democrats - get off your ass take a risk and go for it on 4th and goal - you’re almost in the damm end zone!

Gregory: Charlie Rangel broke ethics rules!

Cantor: oh no so so so sad [ begins weeping ]

Wasserman Schultz: oy gevalt!

Gregory: Obama tried to get Governor Paterson out - and now look what’s happened

Kay: this proves Obama has no clout

Gregory: ha that makes no sense at all - we’ll leave
it there -- Go USA!
by Culture of Truth

ABC’s This Week

ABC’s This Week
February 28, 2010
Elizabeth Vargas
Nancy Pelosi: D-Speaker of the House
Sen. Lamar Alexander: R-TN

Vargas: Nancy can you pass health care reform

Pelosi: judging by the summit meeting I would
have to say ‘are you fucking kidding’

Vargas: is that a yes?

Pelosi: well do we want to get a bill passed or get real reform - like close the donut hole

Vargas: ok

Pelosi: wait there’s no more - we have to remove
the Nebraska exception

Vargas: All of the American people hate health care reform

Pelosi: that’s stupid

Vargas: politicians are afriad that no one wants health care

Pelosi: the men in this body need to suck it up,
grow a pair of ovaries and pass real reform

Vargas: Obama dropped the public option

Pelosi: well somehow we need to rein in the evil insurance companies

Vargas: but Obama is to blame for not posting a bill on the Internet

Pelosi: hey Liz if Ted Kennedy hadn’t died would have reform enacted by now

Vargas: oh?

Pelosi: well it would also help if the GOP weren’t
total assholes

Vargas: that goes without saying

Pelosi: people are suffering and can’t wait any longer

Vargas: can House Dems support Senate restrictions on abortion?

Pelosi: we’re going to have to or else turn our backs on insuranceless Americans

Vargas: the Black Caucus says the $15 billion jobs bill, and I quote, “is fucking bullshit”

Pelosi: they’re right

Vargas: so what do you do

Pelosi: the health care reform bill will create 4 million jobs immediately

Vargas: how can Charles Rangel possibly stay in power if he violated ethics rules?

Pelosi: if we kicked everyone out who was unethical Washington DC would look like Atlantic City in January

Vargas: actually AC is crowded in the winter with criminals, gambling addicts and assorted degenerates

Pelosi: see what I mean

Vargas: you called the tea party movement a fake movement

Pelosi: no I called them Astroturf - but I love
indoor grass

Vargas: you have common ground with the loony tea partiers??

Pelosi: well let’s see them prove they are genuine by voting with us against corporations

Vargas: give yourself a grade

Pelosi: I give me an A for effort

Vargas: but you can’t pass any laws

Pelosi: Republicans require 60 votes just to approve the morning prayer so the Senate runs out of time
to get shit done

Vargas: what grade would give the Senate

Pelosi: uh what’s below F?? Z? Omega?

[ break ]

Vargas: Lamar will you ever cooperate with Obama?

Alexander: yes if he discards all his ideas and adopts all GOP ideas

Vargas: what’s your problem with the bill?

Alexander: it hurts Medicare

Vargas: are you serious?

Alexander: also he’s unacceptably jamming it through after a year of debate with a majority vote

Vargas: but the GOP uses reconciliation all the time

Alexander: yes but it has never been used for ‘Democratic’ laws - that’s the big difference

Vargas: I don’t understand

Alexander: it would be the end of the US Senate to impose majority rule on the American people

Vargas: it seems like people want some health care reform

Alexander: sure it’s a good idea but there’s a sense among lunatics that taxpayers are the jews for Obama’s ovens

Vargas: so if the Democrats lose all their seats what do you care?

Alexander: well then we’d have to repeal it and that would take too much time from stopping underwear bombers

Vargas: you say America can no longer do
big things

Alexander: yes

Vargas: that’s not good

Alexander: Obama can learn from George W. Bush and his restrained ways

Vargas: Pfffftt!!! [ spit take ]

Alexander: we do better as a nation when we do
little or nothing

Vargas: what an inspiring thought

Alexander: a 2,700 page bill written near a holiday after the sun sets is inevitably fascist

Vargas: you have a fascinating world view

Alexander: we have a country too complex to do big things

Vargas: if a Republican votes with Dems they get called ‘Judas’

Alexander: yes but in the tea party that’s a compliment

Vargas: really?

Alexander: like Joe McCarthy or Ayn Rand he was
a greatly misunderstood hero

Vargas: oh my

Alexander: it’s all in the new ConservaBible -
look it up

by Culture of Truth

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Meet the Press - February 21, 2010

Gen. David Petraeus
Gov. Tim Pawlenty
Rep. Van Hollen
Rep. Mike Pence
February 21, 2010

Gregory: General we’ve had amazing success against the Taliban this week - how big a defeat is
this for Obama??

Petraeus: actually we’re winning and doing very well

Gregory: that’s not what I heard from the GOP

Petraeus: well you’re an idiot

Gregory: but there are questions-

Petraeus: shut up

Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]
but there are U.S. losses!

Petraeus: we’re sending in our Very Special Forces

Gregory: like ‘Special’ special or
‘Family Guy’ special?

Petraeus: ha

Gregory: so now that Obama is President I am concerned about U.S. losses

Petraeus: hey Fluffy did you know that 9/11 was planned in Afghanistan, Hamburg and Florida?

Gregory: good I want to help you invade
Daytona Beach

Petraeus: I’m with you Dancin Dave

Gregory: so who is this guy you caught?

Petraeus: we’re carrying this fight against the Taliban with our new allies the Tallyban

Gregory: Shouldn’t we be torturing this swarthy man?

Petraeus: Hey moron - torture doesn’t work

Gregory: but it’s fun

Petraeus: no it backfires and hurts America overseas

Gregory: awww

Petraeus: torture isn’t biodegradable - that’s why
Al Gore hates it

Greogry: but wasn’t Obama short-sighted for
closing our Caribbean torture gulag?

Petraeus: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: Dick Cheney says we are going to be nuked

Petraeus: well he’s thinking of his failures and not Obama’s successes

Gregory: 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11

Petraeus: idiot

Gregory: OMG Iran is going to drop a nuclear
bomb on us!!!!

Petraeus: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: But Daddy I’m scared!!!

Petraeus: Don’t worry we’re sending Iran a
sternly worded letter

Gregory: but shouldn’t Israel just bomb Iran?

Petraeus: Let me put it this way - wheeeeee
[makes whistling sound of bomb flying
through the air]

Gregory: Is Iraq a Democracy?

Petraeus: It’s an Iraqracy

Gregory: what is that?

Petraeus: Freer than North Korea but not as
fair as Florida in 2000

Gregory: close enough

Gregory: Isn’t this the wrong time to let those icky gay people in the military what with all the wars?

Petraeus: don’t worry Fluffy we won’t take you anyway

Gregory: but gay people are so gay!

Petraeus: have you seen the Olympics?

Gregory: good point - after all half the GOP
Congress are gay

Petraeus: hey if they can fire a gun they can
fight with me

Gregory: I bet they can General

[ break ]

Gregory: Dick Cheney says Obama is a one-term President

Pawlenty: ooh I sure I hope Dick is right

Gregory: there’s a first time for everything

Pawlenty: we’re going to win in 2010 but I’m not sure about 2012 since the world may end

Gregory: you also say the GOP blew it

Pawlenty: yes but that was only the last 30 years - we’ve completely changed since 2008

Gregory: oh ok

Pawlenty: but these are serious times and we
need serious solutions

Gregory: like what

Pawlenty: repealing all Miranda rights

Gregory: you said we smash should the government with a nine-iron since a black man is President!!

Pawlenty: I had to say racist weird shit because China buys our debt

Gregory: are you running for President?

Pawlenty: sure - I’m dumb but white so why not?

Gregory: what about the stimulus?

Pawlenty: we need to grow the economy by
cutting taxes

Gregory: did the stimulus work?

Pawlenty: no

Gregory: but it created jobs

Pawlenty: but just government jobs

Gregory: so they don’t count?

Pawlenty: no because it only created 2 million jobs

Gregory: what are you answers?

Pawlenty: cut taxes

Gregory: anything else?

Pawlenty: take some taxes and cut them

Gregory: what is your vision for America?

Pawlenty: do anything we can to give stuff to corporations

Gregory: what about the debt?

Pawlenty: we should cut federal spending

Gregory: what about the wars?

Pawlenty: oh not defense

Gregory: so where do you cut?

Pawlenty: cut benefits for cushy overpaid bus drivers

Gregory: are we winning the war on terror?

Pawlenty: yes thanks to Dick Cheney

Gregory: is the climate changing?

Pawlenty: yes but it it all natural so we must declare war on Mother Nature - if we pour more coal into the atmosphere - that will show her!

Gregory: Gays in the military?

Pawlenty: no Republicans don’t want to join up anyway

Gregory: health care reform?

Pawlenty: just let people shop around for the best open heart surgery while they are dying

Gregory: tell me all your thoughts on God

Pawlenty: God wants to me to run for President and lose to Mitt Romney in the primaries in February
of 2012

Gregory: well ok then

[ break ]

Gregory: ok surprising many people Evan Bayh flew a plane into the IRS building this week - what is going on?

Pence: I agree with Evan Bayh that Democrats are evil and we should violently overthrow the government

Van Hollen: hey we passed a lot of bills and the Republicans recently voted against the “Republicans Get What They Want Act of 2010”

Gregory: Some say Obama should just give the GOP whatever they want

Dionne: The Republican Party has gone completely insane - which is fine but you can’t blame Obama for their intransigence

Noonan: we need more good things and not
bad things

Pence: We would love to work with Obama but he’s an evil man cooking up creepy things in back rooms

Van Hollen: The Democrats cut taxes on 95% and the GOP said that’s not enough because the poor rich were left out

Gregory: health care summit?

Dionne: the summit will be useful because people will actually be able to compare their ideas instead of yelling about not cooperating

Pence: no fair!

Noonan: Hitler used to pass bills of 1,000 pages

Dionne: oh

Noonan: also tax cuts are bad when Democrats do it

Pence: let me be clear on this - we are willing to work with Democrats if they do everything we want

Van Hollen: oh is that all?

Pence: also if Obama resigns

Gregory: Ha the GOP is going to take the House!

Van Hollen: no they aren’t stupid

Pence: the American people are tired of personal irresponsibility, big spending, debt and bailouts

George W. Bush:
[watching at home, in his underwear, drinking beer]

aaaw fuck you Pency!

[ throws slipper at tv ]

Gregory: thanks for watching

Bush: aw fuck you too fluffy

Laura: Calm down George

This Week with Schwarzenegger and Ed Rendell - Feb. 21, 2010

February 21, 2010
Host: Terry Moran
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-CA)
Gov. Ed Rendell (D-PA)
Moran: hey Governors the economy really sucks

Schwarzenegger: yah but haus sales are up and peeple are getting back to verk

Moran: Ed Pennsylvania sucks like California without the nice weather

Rendell: yes I predict things will go from spectacularly bad to merely horribly crappy

Moran: that sounds great

Rendell: thankfully Obama staved off disaster temporarily

Moran: I noticed the $200 billion jobs bill went
to $15 billion

Schwarzenegger: yah ve need to rebuilt Amerrycah

Moran: oh ok

Schwarzenegger: eff you built it zee peepel vill
come like Ike did ven he come to Ameruricah

Moran: but that was in the 50s when America
didn’t suck!

Rendell: we need jobs that can’t be outsourced

Moran: like what?

Rendell: bring back the steel industry

Moran: [ facepalm ] oh god

Rendell: no one is willing to plan beyond the
next election

Moran: let’s talk about the next election - here’s robot Mitt Romney

Romney: Employers were so scared by the stimulus they refused to hire people!

Schwarzenegger: but zen zey Republicans zey claim credit for creating jobs eets hippocrazy

Rendell: that’s well put muscle man

Schwarzenegger: da steemuloos vas gud
for gullyfornia

Rendell: Romney is a clever liar his programmer should be very proud

Moran: it may be a lie but it worked - which is the only important thing

Rendell: Obama let the GOP spin the media on the people on the effectiveness of the stimulus

Moran: what should he have done?

Rendell: should have emphasized that the stimulus helped hard-working white people!

Moran: Conservatives had a conference - wow they are so popular with crazy people!

Schwarzenegger: zey are ze party of ‘No’ but zats
ok because peeple are very angry

Moran: we should give them all guns

Schwarzenegger: yah all lessons of life zey
can be learned from de sports

Moran: of course

Schwarzenegger: but you fail sometimes and zen you succeed - for example I vaz in zat movie about a
pregnant man and zen I married a kennedy

Moran: that’s very nice Arnold but let’s talk about how Obama is a failure

Rendell: Fuck you and fuck Congressman
Pence too

Moran: We have to raise taxes and cut Medicare

Rendell: we have to raise the retirement age on those lazy old people!

Schwarzenegger: ve need da high speed rail and
da vater projects just look at zee pershians and zee romans and ze Egypt peeples

Moran: health care?

Schwarzenegger: ve must talk about fat kids

Moran: anything else?

Schwarzenegger: Dort reform!

Rendell: Republicans should have ideas
that don’t suck

Schwarzenegger: oh noes zats not gud

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Meet The Press with Joe Biden - February 14, 2010

Vice President Joe Biden
Rachel Maddow
Harold Ford
David Brooks
Rep Aaron Schock (R-Illinois)
February 14, 2010

Gregory: Hey Joe - how are the Olympic
games going?

Biden: except for that one guy dying they’re awesome!!

Gregory: you want to give Khalid Sheik Mohammed a fair trial but where?

Biden: somewhere safe and appropriate like New York City, Governor’s Island, White Plains
or Alabama

Gregory: haven’t you already decided not to release Khalid Sheik Mohammed??

Biden: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: [ grinning ] but by being sure of a conviction aren’t you prejudging the case?

Biden: god you are an idiot

Gregory: [ grinning ] but where is the justice??

Biden: jesus you’re stupid

Gregory: let me repeat a bunch of nonsense
from Dick Cheney

Biden: Fuck Dick Cheney

Gregory: but he says you are weak on terror

Biden: Dick Cheney is entitled to shoot a man in the face but he is not entitled to make bullshit up and have it spewed on ‘Meet The Press’

Gregory: yes he is

Biden: well he’s fucking crazy

Gregory: why do you think he’s lying?

Biden: maybe he’s an idiot too

Gregory: but you would never be outspoken
like that?

Biden: you fucking troglodyte - it’s not about being outspoken it’s about fucking lying

Gregory: unemployment has risen by 2 points
since you took office

Biden: hey stupid - we prevented a Depression and are slowly turning this economy around

Gregory: but in my opinion you have failed by not ending all unemployment

Biden: we’re actually accomplishing something you fatuous grinning fool

Gregory: but you have to concede that you are a bad Vice President

Biden: Hey Bubblehead why don’t you shut the fuck up and learn some facts?

Gregory: wasn’t pursuing health care reform a huge mistake?

Biden: sure it was - it’s necessary for the future of America but the people hate shit like that - they only like promise of candy and Disney rides

Gregory: Iran has a nuclear bomb when are we going to war??!?

Biden: Jesus Calm the Fuck down Fluffers - we have Iran isolated and boasting about sending worms in space

Gregory: Worms in Space - OH NO?!!?!!?!!

Biden: [ rolls eyes ]

Gregory: How is Iraq a victory for Obama?

Biden: by getting the hell out of that mess

Gregory: Was invading Iraq worth it?

Biden: Hell no dumbass

Gregory: What’s going on in Afghanistan?

Biden: we’re adding more seasoned, tough
and tender elements

Gregory: Pashtun warriors?

Biden: no I’m talking about Afghan barbecue

[ break ]

Gregory: [ grinning ] Obama is soft is terrorism!

Brooks: that’s totally bogus

Gregory: oh poo

Brooks: but you either follow the Constitution or
you get good intelligence

Maddow: what a fucking liar you are David Brooks

Ford: Obama is tough - he bombed a wedding reception Afghanistan!

Brooks: that was justified - it was an all-ABBA theme

Rep. Schock: why would we put criminals on trial when you could put them in a gulag!?!

Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]
if you’re not going to let go why even put them
on trial?!?!

Maddow: good luck with that lynch mob Greggers

Gregory: but but but -

Maddow: a terrorist is not a warrior - that gives them too much stature

Brooks: by predicting a conviction Joe Biden is betraying our values

Gregory: by saying KSM would face the death penalty there can be no justice!

Schock: I represent white mainstream values and the
beige heartland of America!

Ford: we should put KSM in a torture chamber so we can save money and pay down the debt

Maddow: [ jaw drops ]

Schock: that makes sense

Maddow: What is wrong with reading someone their Miranda rights?

Schock: People with Miranda rights don’t talk

Maddow: that’s not true

Ford: Rachel is right

Gregory: harry reid has boldly submitted a $15 billion jobs bill

Brooks: partisanship, pork and pointlessness all
in one

Schock: the stimulus bill didn’t create long-term growth

Maddow: it was only enacted this year buddy

Schock: we need to create certainty by cutting more and more taxes

Maddow: the GOP trashed the stimulus bill and then Congressmen take credit for all the spending
in their districts

Schock: we had to take the money the Democrats forced us!

Ford: the GOP are the debtors

Maddow: the real issue is hypocrisy

Brooks: Obama is a hypocrite for inviting GOP members to a health care bill even if he won’t
put all GOP ideas in the bill

Gregory: does the GOP have any ideas at all?

Rep: sure our idea is to start from scratch and
then do nothing at all

Maddow: oh for god’s sake the entire summer was wasted putting Republican ideas in the bill!

Brooks: national transformation is hard - we can’t have health care reform because of the Vietnam war

Gregory: Harold will you run against Kristen Gillibrand

Ford: I’ve been humbled by what people have been saying about you

Maddow: dude you should be

Gregory: are you a real New Yorker?

Ford: indeed someday I may even pay taxes here

Gregory: how nice

Ford: people want to cut the debt and we need to remember that as Republicans

Gregory: I thought you were a Democrat

Ford: the point is I will run as a champion of Wall Street bonuses

Gregory: are you pro-choice?

Ford: If you can’t see ‘Twilight’ without parental notification why can you have an abortion

Gregory: well I wouldn’t do either one

Gregory: Rachel - Democrats can’t govern!

Maddow: no stupid - Republicans won’t let government work

Schock: Americans want lower taxes and deregulation

Gregory: didn’t we try that for 8 years?

Schock: we did? I was 6 years old when Bush
was elected

Brooks: we need a third party to raise taxes and cut medicare

Gregory: a modern-day Ross Perot

Brooks: he’s insane

Gregory: I liked Perot

Maddow: he meant you Fluffy


ABC’s This Week hosted by Jonathan Karl with Dick Cheney

ABC’s This Week
February 14, 2010
Jonathan Karl
Dick Cheney

Karl: Dick you say Obama won’t recognize the warlike nature of our non-declared war on terror

Cheney: that’s right when terrorists use box cutters to blow up a building that’s an act of war

Karl: so why didn’t you ask for a declaration of
war in 2001?

Cheney: Fuck you

Karl: The President says he’s doing more to combat terrorism that you ever did

Cheney: yes they did fix our mistakes in Afghanistan although it took them too damm long

Karl: Biden says getting out of Iraq will be Obama’s great success

Cheney: I can’t believe they are trying to take
credit for our lying fake useless destructive war -
that is totally mine

Karl: oh really

Cheney: Biden should get down on his knees
and thank George Bush for attacking the wrong country after 9/11

Karl: so you admit it was a mistake?

Cheney: no Saddam fought the Iran-Iraq war and used chemical weapons in the 1980s

Karl: that was all with American support

Cheney: we got rid of one of the worst dictators
of the 20th century

Karl: we’ll talk about George Bush later

Cheney: Obama thinks Iraq is a triumph!

Karl: I think he means getting out of Iraq

Cheney: hey were going to leave just as soon as
we figured out it was all a huge mistake

Karl: how you would have handled the underoos bomber

Cheney: I would have crushed his testicles

Karl: anything else?

Cheney: it’s clear they were totally confused they didn’t know whether to crush his balls or pull
out his fingernails

Karl: decisions, decisions

Cheney: to be fair it’s hard - what with the Constitution and the laws and all that crazy nonsense

Karl: let’s get back to torture - what other creative techniques would you have used?

Cheney: I will leave that to the professionals -
I’m only an amateur sadist

Karl: well make a guess

Cheney: well there’s hot pokers, the iron maiden, Jamie Foxx on the Grammys - all I know is Obama
is a wimp for using the Army Field Manual

Karl: why didn’t you torture Richard Reid?

Cheney: Believe me I would have but I hadn’t talked Bush into it yet

Karl: doesn’t it give the terrorists too much stature
to call them soldiers?

Cheney: I’m not interested in debating our hypocrisy - I just want to say Obama has a weak mindset because he’s never shot a man in the face - do you really want a man like that protecting your family?

Karl: in 2005 the Bush administration was proud their prosecutions!

Cheney: Well I never agreed with that - all those fucking wimps - we had a shootout in the Bush White House over that!

Karl: you had a vigorous disagreement over whether to use enhanced interrogation in the Cabinet?

Cheney: no I mean an actual shootout you dipshit

Karl: so you were the chief advocate for useless cruelty?

Cheney: I’m President of the Waterboarding Fan Club - DC chapter

Karl: who else is in that?

Cheney: Me, Rumsfeld, John Yoo, Addington -
Fred Hiatt is the secretary

Karl: Bush released terrorists back to the
Middle East!

Cheney: only because the wimps and weak-kneed softies and liberals back in the Bush White House made us - you see it was the strawberries--

Karl: [ backs away slowly ]
you seem a little crazy Dick

Cheney: I could prove torturing innocent people worked with geometric logic if only I had the duplicate key
[ fondles metal balls ]

Karl: you didn’t do anything against Iran

Cheney: yeah that fucking baby Bush left Iran a
big threat for Obama to deal with dammit

Karl: was it a mistake not to bomb Iran?

Cheney: you’re goddamm fucking right it was a mistake - we took out Saddam but it wasn’t enough

Karl: Palin says Obama should declare war on Iran so he can look tough to raise his popularity

Cheney: she’s a fucking idiot

Karl: What about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell?

Cheney: it was essential in 2009 but now it’s
a bad idea

Karl: you have a reunion coming up - “Utter Failures” Class of 2008

Cheney: I’m looking forward to seeing the old gang of incompetents, liars, cheats, and sociopaths

Karl: you’re writing a book - what’s it’s called?

Cheney: I can’t tell you but I’ll give you a hint
- it’s
written in blood

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Meet The Press - February 7, 2010

John Brennan
Ed Gillespie
Dee Myers

Gregory: how does Obama define winning
the war against an abstract method of killing

Brennan: cracking foreign skulls

Gregory: OMG all those intelligence guys say
we’re going to be attacked!!!!

Brennan: al qaeda is currently recruiting more teenagers and exploring new methods of planting explosives in underpants

Gregory: they are so fiendishly cunning

Brennan: true but we working on developing new technologies on thwarting attacks with Fruit of the Loom, Hanes, Jockey and Victoria’s Secret

Gregory: will terrorists target the SuperBowl??

Brennan: now that Brett Favre is not in it what’s
the point?

Gregory: true

Brennan: we are working with panty sniffers
across the world

Gregory: will they target my shopping mall?

Brennan: if they are smart they will

Gregory: President Brown says we should torture the guy with the funny name

Brennan: I heard you were a moron Fluffy

Gregory: why was he treated as an American citizen

Brennan: he wasn’t you dancing fool

Gregory: but he’s so scary!

Brennan: we did what Bush did for every terrorist

Gregory: but Republicans are tough and you
are a non-torturing wimp

Brennan: you know I’m tired of ignorant liars like Brown

Gregory: that reminds me - by defending yourselves from Republicans lies you endangered national security!!

Brennan: [ palmface ]
jesus christ

Gregory: but you didn’t share information about
how you intended to torture this kid

Brennan: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: did the GOP sign-off on the decision not squeeze his balls?

Brennan: who knows what the fuck GOP Congressmen think about anything - they’re all fucking liars and idiots

Gregory: so if he is talking what are you learning about al qaeda?

Brennan: it turns out al qaeda wants to launch attacks on the West

Gregory: oh my

Gregory: where will KSM be tried?

Brennan: I don’t know but we’re actually bring
him to justice unlike Bush

Gregory: will he be executed?

Brennan: I’m not going to let al qaeda or the GOP rob us of our shining system of justice!

Gregory: but Holder promised to succeed - that’s not justice

Brennan: you’re a true idiot

Gregory: is China going to take away my
Twitter feed?

Brennan: indeed we have information they may target Facebook

Gregory: oh my well good luck to you sir

[ break ]

Gregory: is the economy finally turning around?

Paulson: yes but only if the government doesn’t regulate Wall Street

Greenspan: what we need is to do is cut taxes

Gregory: that is so wise - why should a business start hiring with all these heavy taxes!?

Paulson: shockingly I agree - I also think we should cut taxes

Gregory: wow you must both be right

Paulson: just as soon as CEOs have more money they will hire people to polish their yachts

Gregory: when is the recession over?

Greenspan: the recession is over

Gregory: how can you tell?

Greenspan: Matlock said so!

Gregory: but the stock market is down since January and it’s February!

Greenspan: Wheel of Fortune!

Paulson: don’t worry Fluffy we’ll all get rich soon enough

Gregory: Hank please bash Barack Obama for me

Paulson: I won’t - thank god Obama and Tim continued Bush’s great policies

Gregory: so did you vote for Obama?

Paulson: I won’t answer that - but let’s just say I didn’t vote for the guy who watched Matlock
every night

Greenspan: Matlock!!!

Gregory: Dr. Greenspan tell me the truth - are
you actually a Ferengi?

Greenspan: I live by the Seven Rules of Acquisition!

Gregory: people are underwater in their mortgages

Paulson: yes people’s inability to pay is a problem

Gregory: no in New Orleans they are actually under water

Paulson: no one predicted that housing prices don’t always rise for no reason

Gregory: I see

Paulson: and when that isn’t true people stop giving a shit

Greenspan: the best approach is to trade home value for credits on Deep Space Nine

Gregory: OMG the deficit!!!!

Paulson: this is an incredibly serious issue I just realized when a Democrat became President

Clinton: oh no - just an agreement allowing the US temporary control of the area

Gregory: of course

Paulson: I have learned that it is very difficult to get Congress to cut Social Security and Medicare when people like it

Gregory: Alan how can we save America??

Greenspan: once we’ve hocked everything to the Chinese to fight all our wars we will have to sell them North Dakota

Gregory: OMG Obama is going to raise taxes on
the rich!!!

Paulson: sure it’s bad but what we really need to do is raise taxes on the poor

Greenspan: it is so sad that we have gotten to a point in this country where we cannot discuss eliminating the most successful social program in the history of this nation

Gregory: Hank are bonuses on Wall Street too high?

Paulson: sure I can see how people might think that but the real point is to put off any real reform while they pocket another trillion or so

Gregory: oh how droll you are sires

Paulson: you mean sirs

Gregory: um yeah

[ break ]

Gregory: OMG I just love Sarah Palin!!

Gilllespie: she rocks Fluffer

Gregory: does she rule the GOP?

Myers: she went out of her way to say crazy people hate the GOP as well as Democrats

Gillespie: they’re not Democrats or Republicans they’re anti-spending lunatics

Gregory: what is their plan for the debt besides waving pictures of Obama as witch doctor?

Myers: Bill Clinton created a surplus

Gillespie: no no no we had 9/11 and a recession and other fuck ups so the debt wasn’t Bush’s fault

Gregory: Ed please bash Bush then I will talk and Dee Dee will not get to speak at all

Gillespie: that sounds good to me

Myers: [ silence ]

Gregory: Bayh says why should anyone trust
the Democratic party??!!?

Myers: right it’s so sad the Dems can’t govern

Gregory: Ed is the Democratic majority in jeopardy??

Myers: I will take Bullshit Spin for $1,000 David

Gregory: but people hate the GOP as well

Gillespie: that’s true but we will lie our asses off in the meantime which often leads to GOP gains at election time

Gregory: good luck with that Ed


This Week with Jake Tapper - February 7, 2010

February 7, 2010
Jake Tapper
Tim Geithner - Sec. Of the Treasury

Tapper: Good morning - unemployment is still really high and even more jobs were lost in the Bush recession than we thought - which is good news
for the Republicans

Geithner: hey when we got here we were losing 750,000 jobs and now we’re also losing jobs
but not as many

Tapper: are we going to double dip?

Geithner: no - that’s like putting your whole mouth
in the bowl!!

Tapper: are you doing enough?

Geithner: we’re doing enough - but Congress is not

Tapper: oh well that’s ok then

Tapper: President Brown says the stimulus
didn’t create any jobs

Geithner: hey I just read a cool article in Cosmo -
"10 Ways to Stimulate Your Man’s Economy"

Tapper: tell me about your failures

Geithner: we’ve made dramatic progress from a shitty economy to a sucky one

Tapper: but isn’t the real problem is that Americans don’t make anything useful and don’t have any money

Geithner: I have $10 in my pocket

Tapper: Mad Eye Moody says the debt is too high

Geithner: hey I’m a real financial wizard

Tapper: are triple AAA bonds the best investment
in America?

Geithner: I don’t trust the auto club

Tapper: you’re not serious about cutting the debt
are you?

Geither: for god’s sake Obama promised a fake spending freeze

Tapper: oh pshaw anyone can do that

Geithner: deficits matter and we have to raise
taxes and cut spending

Tapper: sure-fire election winner genius

Geithner: I iz smart

Tapper: You and I know we have to cut Medicare and Medicaid

Geithner: I am giving you a serious look

Tapper: I also giving you my serious look

Geithner: I also - look at my serious face

Tapper: speaking of right wing talking points -
will you promise to never raise taxes?

Geithner: I iz deeply serious

Tapper: People hate government - is this mostly your fault?

Geithner: no

Tapper: but you have so many fuck-ups

Geithner: but I have serious face

Tapper: that’s true but so do I

Tapper: Obama’s HAMP program sucks

Geithner: true but I supported it when I thought it was a universal HEMP program

Tapper: you toke dude?

Geithner: dude I get baked every night

Tapper: that explains a lot actually

Tapper: you don’t even want to regulate banks -
why not?

Geithner: dude I don’t intend on working in government forever

Tapper: and they won’t be able to compete with other global criminals!

Geithner: Jake you are wise

Tapper: you have suffered so much it’s like a banking ‘Hurt Locker’

Geithner: the economy came to a sudden stop -
it was like driving a Pinto made by Toyota

Tapper: but personally Timmy it must have driven you crazy

Geithner: indeed it I did Jakester

Tapper: Timmy - call me