Sunday, January 31, 2010

Meet The Press - January 31, 2010

Guests:
David Axelrod - White House Advisor
Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio)
*************************

Gregory: will Khalid Sheik Mohammed be tried
in downtown New York?

Axelrod: well why not - that’s where the crime
took place

Gregory: what about his fashion crime?

Axelrod: he may be tried in Bryant Park

Gregory: what does Obama think?

Axelrod: he thinks that t-shirt is a huge faux pas

Gregory: no I mean about putting him on trial

Axelrod: Bush put terrorists on trial all the time
and the GOP thought it was a great idea

Gregory: so New York City or not?

Axelrod: not a chance

Gregory: how could you not torture the Christmas Day bomber - are you crazy?

Axelrod: the President took an oath to uphold the laws of the United States Fluffyhaid

Gregory: but Bush repealed the Constitution in 2003

Axelrod: Obama is thinking of putting it back in place

Gregory: wow

Gregory: Obama finally told the Republicans to
fuck off this week - does this mean he will finally admit they are right about everything?

Axelrod: no stupid

Gregory: but doesn’t he have to move to the middle to get anything done?

Axelrod: I heard you were a moron Fluffy

Gregory: you won’t do anything the GOP wants

Axelrod: we accelerated the GOP tax cuts!

Gregory: will Obama skull-fuck the GOP if they continue to block good laws?

Axelrod: they won’t even vote for a commission to cut the debt - the American people hate that shit

Gregory: do they want the economy to fail so
Obama will fail?

Axelrod: of course they do

Gregory: is health care reform dead or not?

Axelrod: no the American people are suffering -
so we must do it

Gregory: Mary Landrieu said it’s dying

Axelrod: Mary - call me!

Gregory: so reform yes or no

Axelrod: dunno

Gregory: Is Obama going to cut taxes on overpaid
tv anchors?

Axelrod: no

Gregory: you hate America!

Axelrod: hey he’s proposed 400 tax cuts!

Gregory: Justice Alito mothed “bullshit” during Obama’s speech - was Obama wrong to discuss public policy during his speech to Congress?

Axelrod: Jesus Christ you’re stupid

Gregory: but the poor little court!

Axelrod: Should Hugo Chavez be able to influence American elections???

Gregory: but is a speech to the nation an appropriate place to discuss the law?

Axelrod: you really are a fucking moron

Gregory: are we better off than we were
last January?

Axelrod: you bet we are Greggers

[ break ]

Gregory: Boner you say no to everything

Boehner: yes but Obama has not ended the Bush recession and that’s not acceptable to the GOP

Gregory: Obama reached out to you by pointing
out your lies

Boehner: it was great evening - Obama gave me
tips on his great tan

Gregory: Obama said we should stop demonize
each other

Boehner: he’s a well-spoken Guinean Witch Doctor

Gregory: the debt isn’t even his fault!

Boehner: yes but it could be

Gregory: huh

Boehner: he’s a crazy leftist terrorist

Gregory: oh ok

Boehner: the people are saying ‘Stop! We don’t Washington to end the recession!’

Gregory: are you prepared to say yes to anything
at all?

Boehner: the government is going to take over health care!

Gregory: so nothing at all??

Boehner: more war, torture, and tort reform

Gregory: awesome

Boehner: what we won’t stand for is government providing health care

Gregory: if people buy health care across state lines then the federal government will regulate health care

Boehner: nonsense - the American people can regulate the whole industry by themselves

Gregory: that’s insane

Boehner: government is evil!

Gregory: you don’t support debt reform or
a spending freeze

Boehner: that’s ok but if you really want to save money cut the Pentagon

Gregory: really?

Boehner: sure - now that a liberal is President I
just realized spending is bad

Gregory: people hate the Republican party

Boehner: look we’ve learned our lesson - after
30 years we really are committed to fiscal conservatism - no really this time we mean it!

Gregory: who is the leader of the GOP?

Boehner: Ronald Reagan

Gregory: he’s dead

Boehner: but still a handsome man

Gregory: people hate you

Boehner: the Dems have a majority so they
can’t blame us for it

Gregory: but you filibuster everything

Boehner: don’t say that

Gregory: gays in the military?

Boehner: look I like gays too but why would we
want a strong military when we are in 2 wars and bad economy

Gregory: all brought to you by the GOP

Boehner: that darn Obama!

[ break ]

Gregory: ha Obama can’t walk on water!

Brooks: the GOP won’t raise taxes and the Dems won’t cut spending so we are well and truly fucked

Gregory: why can’t we all just get along

Zuckerman: I can’t believe Obama hasn’t solved the Bush recession!

Gregory: Obama claims he’s not a crazy leftist and yet you heard me demand he become a Republican

Robinson: hey Fluffy he’s already moved to the center enough!

Faber: the US economy just plain sucks

Zuckerman: he does too much and he needs a comprehensive program

Gregory: Mort tell us what Obama told you this week

Zuckerman: it was off the record but I’ll say this - Obama has a secret plan to end unemployment

Gregory: interesting

Zuckerman: Bush gave America the worst economy ever and only a government program can fix it

Gregory: no no no Gene what do you say

Robinson: sure we need a new stimulus

Brooks: it’s a mental recession because people don’t trust the media which is tragic

Gregory: people hate the government

Faber: well you know the stimulus hasn’t been spent yet - the real issue is American has been on a downward slide for 20 years

Zuckerman: don’t forget the states are cutting back all over the place

Gregory: Joe Klein said something interesting--

Robinson: stop right there

Gregory: people hate the government though so why do health care reform first?

Robinson: in Obama’s defense he had to strike
while the iron is hot

Brooks: he should have solved the recession first

Gregory: true but the GOP oppose everything

Robinson: only the bills that they co-sponsor

Gregory: can Republicans govern?

Brooks: no

Gregory: should we have a third party?

Robinson: [ laughs out loud ]

Gregory: but Newt says-

Zuckerman: the Democrats are responsible for a recession!

Gregory: is the President doomed in 2012 or will the economy ever come back?

Faber: banks need to lend but it was bad lending that go us into this in the first place

Gregory: is Obama soft on terror?? [ big grin ]

Zuckerman: ever since they let 9/11 happen the Democrats have been vulnerable on terrorism

Gregory: ha that’s all for today

***************

This Week with Barbara Walters - January 31, 2010

This Week
Host:
Barbara Walters
Guest:
Scott Brown (R-Senator Elect MA)
******************************

Walters: Scott so you were a child criminal, then a nude model, in the national guard and now you are superstar non-senator - what you most proud of?

Brown: I’m proud of being transparent - for instance we could have all meetings with the President on C-SPAN and be naked

Walters: now you can filibuster everything

Brown: yes I am a Republican so I favor massive debt and overspending

Walters: that’s all?

Brown: no also I love torture

Walters: will you be President in 2012

Brown: well that sure would be a sign of the
Mayan apocalypse

Walters: should Sarah Palin be President

Brown: she’s dumb enough

Walters: you disagree with the GOP on gay fetuses

Brown: sure but I’m against fake
partial birth abortions

Walters: what about gays

Brown: yes I hate big government liberals who want to shove the gays down our throat

Walters: what do you stand for?

Brown: I stand strongly in favor of saying
Curt Schilling is not a Yankee fan

Walters: Judge Barack Obama for me

Brown: I’m glad he wants to counter the threat
to Massachusetts from Iran and also of course
in favor of drilling offshore

Walters: what spending would you cut?

Brown: we should freeze all salaries for all overpaid federal employees

Walters: Obama said he would cut taxes but
that would raise the debt

Brown: yes I would vote for it because tax cuts
are free

Walters: why not give all Americans the right
you gave to Massachusettans?

Brown: fuck the rest of America

Walters: so you would scrap the whole plan

Brown: sure let’s go back to the drawing board
and dismantle the federal government

Walters: everyone hates Bernanke

Brown: not me

Walters: please bash Tim Geithner

Brown: who is that?

Walters: you are a Lt. Col. - do you know
Donald Penobscott?

Brown: yes we had an affair in the 70s

Walters: gays in the military?

Brown: I need to speak the Generals on the ground

Walters: but Generals are not on the ground

Brown: then I would speak with Pants on the Ground

Walters: if you were a tree what kind of tree
would you be?

Brown: I would be a tree with a lot of wood

Walters: did your election bring about a new era
of happiness and joy across America?

Brown: yes it did

Walters: you replaced a giant

Brown: Ted Kennedy was a great man

Walters: but he hated you

Brown: his wife was the first person I called to gloat

Walters: your parents were married 8 times

Brown: yes it was like a working class Liz and Dick

Walters: I’m going to make you cry

Brown: no you won’t Babs

Walters: do you think God put you in Cosmo and
the Senate

Brown: of course

Walters: you were such a hunk Scott

Brown: hey John Davidson did it too!

Walters: don’t diss the Hoff!

Brown: sorry

Walters: what if a woman posed nude

Brown: Barbara please don’t

Walters: are you daughters really available?

Brown: only one them is - call me!

Walters: Simon Cowell called your other daughter
a robot

Brown: he was right - the whole family are androids

Walters: you have special relationship with
your truck

Brown: I eat in it, live in it and sleep with it

Walters: oh my

Brown: thanks Barbara

Walters: no thank you hunky

******************

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

State of the Union Address - President Barack Obama

State of the Union Address
President Barack Obama
January 27, 2010
******************
Madam Speaker… I give you… the POTUS!!!

[ yay ]

Obama walks in, wearing a Nobel prize and
carrying an iPad

Pelosi: and heeeeeere’s Baraaaaaaaaaack!

Obama: thank you very much

Greetings, Madam Speaker, Joe, Senators, House members, all Congresspersons - you goddamm worthless motherfuckers!

All right anyone who is not a useless piece of shit can stay - everyone else leave the room

[ Biden stands up ]

Joe you can stay too

[ Biden sits down ]

[ everyone else gets up to leave ]

All right all right you useless shitheads sit
your asses back down

[ everyone sits down ]

And let me give a shout-out to our esteemed Supreme Court justices!

Oh did I say esteemed - I meant to say soulless hypocritical corporate whores

[ Scalia and Alito stand up, wave to Congress ]

Hey Jersey Shore - sit the fuck down

yes that's right I'm wearing my motherfucking Nobel prize - check it out assholes!

[ waves Nobel prize ]

yeah I'm done with teleprompters - I'm all about my iPad now dudes!

Obama: Bull Run, Bloody Sunday, the Depression, Pearl Harbor, the day they canceled Star Trek - America has been tested many times before

Now you all know I inherited 2 wars and a motherfucking Depression

So of course we bailed out the people who created the problem

Inexplicably, things are now even suckier than they were before!

I’ve have traveled across this nation and read
your letters and holy fuck is this country in some deep shit

Most moving are the letters written in crayon - so I would like ask Michele Bachmann to please stop

Obama: Americans are tired of pettiness

Joe Wilson: No!

Obama: sit the fuck down you ignorant cracker

Obama: Americans really want one thing - to avoid sliding into poverty and having to move into a black neighborhood

But the White House is a black neighborhood now fuckers so that’s why I have never been more hopeful for America!

[ yay ]

Obama: Now let’s talk about the motherfucking bailout!

I hated it - but goddammit let’s not forget Stupid created a crisis I had to deal with and we’ve gotten most of the money back!

[ yay! ]

Obama: so I propose a fee on the banks - they can fucking afford it, those slimy motherfuckers!!!!

[ yaaaaay ]

We cut taxes for 8 million people - do you hear me fucking teabaggers!?!?!?

We didn’t raise income taxes on anyone not anybody - can you grasp that you fucking lunatics???

[ yaaay ]

And we saved 2 million jobs thanks to my stimulus bill - that’s right shitkickers!!!

And so you can see I have single-handedly turned this economy around!!

However because I heard there may still be a
few unemployed people out there, and with the whole Scott Brown fiasco, I am calling for a brand new jobs bill

[ woo-hoo ]

Banks on Wall Street are now lending again, but mostly to other criminals - so I propose taking this
30 billion I found in the White House couches and
give to tiny little community banks like
the Building & Loan

[ yaaaay ]

You get a tax cut! You get a tax cut! Everybody gets a tax cut!!!

[ yaaaay ]

And we should have better trains than those damm Japanese!

[ muted clapping ]

and fewer tax breaks - but still some - for businesses located in the Cayman fucking islands!!!

[ yaaaay ]

So send me a jobs bill or I will come back here and crack some skulls!!

Having said that - we need to rules to prevent another lost decade which is why I am proposing a Constitutional Amendment saying no member of the Bush family can ever be President again!!!

[ yaaaaay!!]

Now the GOP says we have to wait to fix the economy but that would put us behind India and I am not going to stand here an listen to them bad-mouth the United States of Fucking America!!!

[ yaaaay ]

Which is why we need to skull-fuck the banks that caused the goddamm problem!!!

Now I will wave my finger and look tough - do I look tough - no seriously do I??

We need to solve our energy problem which means building new nuclear power plants, drilling offshore, clean coal, biofuels, and harnessing the power of Brett Favre!!

[ yaaay!!!]

Now I know there are really stupid fuckers who don’t believe in global warming and to them I grow a goddamm fucking brain and pull your heads out of your asses!!!

We need to export more products which is why I have hired a Chinese company to tell me how we can make shit people want!!

[ yaaay ]

Also we need to expand our empire and seek new markets, in Asia, Africa, and the Spice federation on Tatooine!!

[ yaay ]

The best anti-poverty program around is to be born into a rich connected family and rig the system in your favor!!

But since that is not realistic for people outside this room, I also propose better community colleges!

[ yay ]

and $10,000 in college grants and no more student debt after 20 years!!

students: oh woo

oh and we still need health insurance reform

[ yaaaaaaaay ]

I did not choose to take on health care reform to get a legislative victory or to be more popular.... OBVIOUSLY!

Ha anyway let me describe my plan in a simple 7 paragraph - oh hi there’s my pretty wife

[ yayayay]

where was I - oh right the CBO says my bill would reduce the deficit by 2 trillion dollars!!

GOP: deficits don’t matter

Obama: so I completely fucked up underestimating how selfish most Americans are - my bad, America!

But I will not walk away from insuranceless Americans and neither should you

So please Republicans take a breath and vote
for my plan

Or just send me your plan and I will sign that instead

So Congress just pass something so we can all move on all righty

[ yay ]

Now let me explain something to the extremely
dense out there

Clinton gave Bush a FUCKING SURPLUS and I inherited a FUCKING DEFICIT

I wonder if Fox news will report on that???

Oh did I mention I am trying to prevent a motherfucking DEPRESSION???

So tonight, as usual, Democrats will have to be the grown-ups and freeze spending long enough to get voted out of office, where Republicans will blow the budget all over again!!!

[ YAAAAY!!!]

So I will freeze spending except for Defense, Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security education and farming - that only leaves $20 billion spent on turning John Boehner orange all winter!

[ yay ]

Since you fuckers can’t even create a commission I will do it by executive order - yo Judd Gregg!!

[ yaaaay ]

Now Paul Krugman is probably freaking out - but this freeze won’t start until next year when the recession is over

[ boooo ]

hey zip it morons

Now we could of course just cut taxes and borrow the money and party all the time - but every time Republicans do that it wrecks the economy!

So let’s try so common sense fuckers!! Yeah a novel concept motherfuckers!!

The rumors are true, America - Washington doesn’t work - it’s bought and paid for by corporations - yeah I’m looking you - you fucking Supreme Court whores!!!

I’m not na├»ve - I’m know you are all untrustworthy snakes - that’s the very essence of our democracy

But Jesus Fucking Christ on a cracker you can’t filibuster every fucking procedure in fucking government!!!

I mean criminy people are showing up to my town meetings with fucking guns - so chill the fuck out Republicans

And Democrats - stop being such fucking pussies for god’s sake!!

And Republicans - if it really takes 60 votes to get anything done well then guess what - then you are responsible for not getting anything done!!

And while I am on the subject - GOP just shut the fuck up about national security and if you want a reminded go look at the hole in ground you created in New York City!!!

Yeah I’m killing people all over the world - don’t fuck with me people!

I am ending the Iraq war cause I am fucking
sick of it

Now let’s really support our troops and not just say we do!

And just like Superman I am going to rid the world of all motherfucking nuclear weapons!!!

Watch out Iran - Barack Hussein Fucking Obama is coming for you!!!

We’re giving out food, curing disease, and
helping Haiti!

America is about all people being equal so sometime in 2010 I will work with Congress on repealing
Don’t Ask Don’t Tell!!!

[ yaaay ]

Americans are hopeful, they have just lost faith in government, religion, business, schools,
the media… oh wait they AREN’T FUCKING HOPEFUL AT ALL!!!

Now I know people aren’t all into Hope and Change anymore but I never claimed to be your Magic Negro so I come here tonight to tell you this -- grow the fuck up America!!!

Sure I fucked up this year - but I am not alone - many, many, many, Americans are also totally fucking up and are also in complete denial about it!!

So my fellow Americans I don’t quit - I may get fired
but I won’t quit!!

Goodnight fuckers!!!
****************************

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Meet the Press - January 24, 2010

January 24, 2010
Guests:
Valerie Jarrett - White House Advisor
Sen. Mitch McConnell - GOP Senate Leader
EJ Dionne
Peggy Noonan
Chuck Todd
Katty Kay
**********************

Gregory: Val is it true that Osama bin Laden appeared on ‘American Idol’ this week

Jarrett: he is responsible for many atrocities but we can’t verify if he wrote ‘Pants on the Ground’ or not

Gregory: what about Ben Bernanke

Jarrett: he’s failed utterly so he has our total support

Gregory: the voters of Massachusetts voted
a pickup truck into the US Senate - so will
Obama resign?

Jarrett: no Obama will fight like a crazy man

Gregory: what is his motto

Jarrett: ‘The Art of the Possible’

Gregory: that’s exciting - what else

Jarrett: ‘Fight For What You Can’

Gregory: will he finally cave in to Republicans?

Jarrett: now that’s not fair - he caved in
at the start of the process

Gregory: ok now what?

Jarrett: Obama looks to getting cooperation
with Scott Brown

Gregory: oh my god

Gregory: why push for health care reform
when no one wants it?

Jarrett: hey we prevented an economic catastrophe

Gregory: no you didn’t because there were still job losses in his first year

Jarrett: Bush didn’t create a single job in 8 years!

Gregory: yeah but he gave me a cool nickname

Jarrett: Obama told me you were a moron

Jarrett: the stimulus bill saved millions of jobs and reduced our dependence on foreign oil

Gregory: Obama seems to have found his populist voice

Jarrett: this is the New Old Obama - ‘Mad as Hell
and not Going to Take it Anymore!’

Gregory: Evan Bayh is a centrist

Jarrett: no, he’s a prick and right wing nut

Gregory: anyway he says we need to cut the debt since a black man is President

Jarrett: look Obama is the first to admit that’s tough and challenging and always reads letters people send reminding him that he’s black

Gregory: Is Obama panicking and bringing back Pluffy

Jarrett: oh no everything is hunky-dory with
Team Obama

Gregory: where is his political team

Jarrett: doing studies in the Antarctic

[ break ]

Gregory: Mitch what does the GOP want?

McConnell: the American people want us to
fix health care by ending medical lawsuits

Gregory: jesus that’s it?

McConnell: no also ban junk lawsuits

Gregory: you said that already

McConnell: also cut taxes

Gregory: what about expanding health
care coverage

McConnell: yes - we do that by cutting taxes

Gregory: how do you get young people to buy
health insurance

McConnell: cut income taxes

Gregory: is health care reform dead?

McConnell: Democrats are very arrogant - if they were in touch with American people they would win elections like we do

Gregory: you only have 41 senate seats

McConnell: the voices in my head say
‘Stop Health Care!’

Gregory: what about Ben Bernanke?

McConnell: he’s a handsome man

Gregory: what is the GOP economic plan

McConnell: cut taxes

Gregory: that’s it?

McConnell: right - in this recession small businesses are very worried about capital gains taxes

Gregory: are you serious

McConnell: Obama increased the debt which
kills jobs

Gregory: that explains why Republicans run
bad economies

McConnell: we need to cut spending

Gregory: in what?

McConnell: on black Presidents

Gregory: Jim DeMint is an obstructionist moron

McConnell: hey believe me I know

Gregory: what do you want?

McConnell: I hope Obama converts to Republicanism

Gregory: sounds like a dumb plan

McConnell: it’s all we’ve got

Gregory: you won in Massachusetts but people still
hate the GOP

McConnell: hey if the Dems are going to give elections away we’ll take it

Gregory: what’s your plan for elections

McConnell: act completely crazy

Gregory: what about the Supreme Court decision?

McConnell: finally corporations have been freed from the oppressive restrictions saying they can’t buy elections

Gregory: how will you reach out to the President?

McConnell: if he’s nice we will stop yelling epithets during his speech to Congress

Gregory: are you willing to compromise that much?

McConnell: heh not really

[ break ]

Gregory: OMG Obama outperformed Coakley
and Corzine!!

Noonan: the message is that America still doesn’t like recessions

Gregory: oh?

Noonan: also independents don’t like Obama now

Dionne: no this is just pure political incompetence

Gregory: good news then

Dionne: also they’ve lost active progressives

Gregory: that’s a relief for Democrats

Dionne: they look like Wall Street liberals

Gregory: they ARE Wall St. liberals

Dionne: yeah but you don’t want to look like that

Gregory: how do you avoid that image

Dionne: drive a pick up truck

Kay: there were valid reasons for health care and bailouts and other things but they never went out and explain it

Gregory: interesting

Kay: Obama was arrogant for using his alleged mandate to enact bold action

Gregory: such a contrast from Bush

Todd: what’s weird they are out there selling their plan a lot - and now they are dealing with anger from voters who hate things even if they don’t know why

Gregory: what does he now

Todd: run against Washington while running Washington

Gregory: the GOP does nothing but obstruct Obama

Noonan: no they proposed tort reform

Gregory: oh ok

Noonan: health care is the biggest issue

Gregory: the Republicans says it’s the economy

Noonan: never heard of them

Kay: dudes it’s only one election and Coakley
was an epic loser

Dionne: True but in 2009 the Constitution was amended to require 60 votes which is a problem for the Democrats

Todd: look they did things but unemployment is still high and that’s pretty much everything

Dionne: Obama needs to be like Reagan and speak in nonsensical parables

Gregory: he also needs have mindless optimism

Noonan: yes Reagan and Obama were both young Presidents

Gregory: um what?

Noonan: also Reagan had a clear plan - incite racial resentment, appear in front of a lot of flags and, build up the deficit and leave the problem for later

Gregory: people loved that

Kay: Obama is not clear and therefore he is
not competent

Gregory: I talked to the Dick Armey the head
Tea Party wacko and he says the Tea Party is
now the center

Todd: they’re a bunch of lunatics run by Fox News

Gregory: interesting

Todd: also the GOP politicians are all terrified of the Tea Partiers and so can’t horse trade with Obama

Gregory: Ed Rendell says Democrats should do things

Dionne: Democrats needs results more than Republicans because no one expects anything
from the GOP

Gregory: good point

Noonan: if we can take New Jersey and Massachusetts with Tea Party support we
can win anywhere

Gregory: thank you very much Peggy that says it all

****************************

This Week with Terry Moran - January 24, 2010

January 24, 2010
Host:
Terry Moran
Guests:
David Axelrod - White House Advisor
Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ)
Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC)
***********************

Moran: OMG the Democrats lost control of the Senate because they only have 59 seats out of 100!!

Axelrod: George Stephanpolous you look different

Moran: I’m Terry Moran

Axelrod: there’s no need to call me names

Moran: the media says that Obama can’t connect with ordinary white people

Axelrod: Terry did you know that Clinton left a surplus and Bush left a trillion dollar deficit and
a wrecked economy?

Moran: No!

Axelrod: it’s true

Moran: what have learned from your fucked-up
first year?

Axelrod: look no one wanted to make unpopular choices to fix George Bush’s mistakes

Moran: but you did it anyway

Axelrod: look we needed real health care reform

Moran: what you do if you got a do-over?

Axelrod: well-

Moran: you don’t a do-over buddy!

Axelrod: you’re a strange one

Moran: you were caught off guard in that mysterious land called Massachusetts

Axelrod: oh we all were caught off by that one

Moran: you’re bringing back Pluffy

Axelrod: he’s enormously talented at electing good looking inspirational black men

Moran: is health care reform dead?

Axelrod: it’s on life support

Moran: that doesn’t sound good

Axelrod: let me put it this way - health care reform can still follow a balloon with its eyes

Moran: excellent news

Axelrod: indeed it is

Moran: what about this idea of slipping the House bill under the Senate door and labeling it “Publisher’s Clearing House - You May Already
Be a Winner!”?

Axelrod: good idea - but Obama won’t walk away from people who need help

Moran: what exactly is in the bill?

Axelrod: no one will know until we enact it

Moran: how odd

Moran: have you rebooted Robot Obama and reprogrammed him to be a Populist

Axelrod: yes we have - also we installed an
emotion chip

Moran: oh my

[break]

Moran: Bob your job is to get Democrats elected to Senate and your first action was to lose the seat Ted Kennedy held for 40 fucking years

Menendez: true but I’m on steep learning curve

Moran: seems like it

Menendez: small businesses blah mortgages blah services blah jobs economics blah tax relief blah middle class blah blah

Moran: Minty you said about Obama “I must break you!”

DeMint: we’re seeing a sudden American awakening of people alarmed that a black man has the power
to spend and build up debt

Moran: I noticed that

DeMint: incredibly Obama opposed tort reform so
we can’t take him seriously

Moran: I couldn’t help notice that Scott Brown didn’t call himself a Republican

DeMint: we’ve got to earn the trust of the American people by
saying Obama took power three years ago

Moran: anything else

DeMint: also waving posters of Obama as a witch doctor in Auschwitz

Menendez: hey stupid - George Bush blew a surplus and handed Obama a Depression

Moran: yeah but Obama wasted all his time on a health care plan ABC news doesn’t like

Menendez: he prevented a Great Depression!

Moran: I see your mouth moving but all I hear is you’re not bipartisan

DeMint: look I’ve never heard of this ‘George Bush’ you’re talking about but the American people are very angry at this black man is steamrolling them will all this spending and debt

Menendez: that Bush created

DeMint: who is this ‘Bush’ person you keep
referring to?

Moran: hey John Roberts says that money is speech and corporations are people!

Menendez: it’s an outrage and by the time
we’re done corporations will probably amend
the Constitution to take away rights for
mere human beings

DeMint: the teabaggers are populist so of course we need to protect businesses from evil labor unions

Moran: even foreign corporations?

DeMint: well let’s not worry about that, the point is -- wait I have to take this call from Exxon

Moran: thank for coming Senator

Exxon: thank you Terry

Moran: I was talking to DeMint

Exxon: who?
********************

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Meet The Press - January 17, 2010

Guests:
Rajiv Shah - US AID
Lt. General Keen
Bill Clinton
George W. Bush
Bob Woodward
Karen Hughes
John Podesta
Mark Halperin
**********************

Gregory: Doctor Shah - what’s going on in Haiti?

Shah: well the roads, ports and airport have all
been destroyed

Gregory: how many people have died?

Shah: hey Gregger we’re hoping to still
rescue people

Gregory: really - why not just play air guitar
and eat birthday cakes?

Shah: we’re not fucking around dude!

Gregory: hey General how’s it going?

General: we taking care of business buddy

Gregory: what about the looters!?

General: the UN mission is taking care of it

Gregory: oh dear

General: actually there is calm on the streets

Gregory: well it’s not like they won the SuperBowl

General: we’re trying to save an entire population

Gregory: some say the U.S. military doesn’t work and play well with others

General: damm right!

Gregory: but there’s only one airport

General: and it’s ours!

Gregory: Doctor there is frustration over the
lack of smoothness helping earthquake victims in another country

Shah: jesus we starting sending aid 5 minutes
after the earthquake

Gregory: yeah but I like to whine

Shah: well calm down Fluffy

Gregory: but you didn’t send in enough
bottled water

Shah: we’re sending in water purification you
silly bint

Gregory: will the U.S. colonize Haiti?

General: that is not an affirmative, Fluffy!

Gregory: now that the crisis is over what now?

Shah: urban search and rescue, and sending
in help like food and water

Gregory: is that Detroit or Haiti?

[ break ]

Gregory: Kerry give me one word to describe Haiti

Sanders: chaos

Gregory: wow it sounds bad

Sanders: but actually things are getting better

Gregory: could you really find people alive
after all this time?

Sanders: yes this happens every time the media covers an earthquake Fluffers

Gregory: how come it isn’t easy to get supplies to
an island devastated by an earthquake?

Sanders: why is he sitting there while I’m stuck
in fucking Haiti?

Producer: uh Kerry you said that out loud

Sanders: oh

[ break ]

Gregory: Bush what’s your biggest concern
right now?

Bush: them Cowboys have no defense!

Gregory: Bill?

Clinton: the Haitian police force is on the job
- with no uniforms or weapons

Gregory: ok - should the US colonize Haiti?

Clinton: oh no - just an agreement allowing the
US temporary control of the area

Native Americans: uh oh

Bush: I’ve been through crises but people will
forget after a while

Gregory: like how you were president on 9/11?

Bush: no there were no attacks when I was President - just ask Saint Rudy

Clinton: I believe Haiti will be back and better
than ever!

Gregory: jesus you’re an optimist

Clinton: look at my life - wouldn’t you be?

Gregory: should we really give so much money
to all these former slaves?

Bush: good point but we can’t neglect Haiti when
it can get us on tv looking compassionate

Gregory: why should we care about this far-away backward corrupt region?

Clinton: hey I like Alaska

Gregory: what did you learn about your fuck-ups
in Katrina and everything else?

Bush: I learn you can’t trust shysters

Gregory: dear lord you do have a way with words

Gregory: Did Obama politicize this earthquake?

Bush: what are you talking about?

Gregory: I dunno

Gregory: Bill why can’t we just get along like this
all the time?

Clinton: I heard you were a moron

[ break ]

Gregory: Karen you witnessed Bush completely
fuck up the Katrina response

Hughes: indeed so I ought to know

Gregory: Bush is back!

Hughes: yeah it’s weird ‘Bush’ and ‘disaster relief’ don’t go well together

Gregory: John who’s winning Haiti vs. Katrina?

Podesta: oh Obama of course - he’s agile and
he's got alacrity

Gregory: Haiti was just about to turn the corner!

Woodward: right!

Gregory: but what’s the commitment in this U.S.
to help Haiti even more??

Woodward: like we’ve done so much before

Gregory: right

Woodward: the winguts and liberal bloggers hate seeing Clinton and Stupid being nice to each other

Gregory: speaking of idiots - Mark Halperin!

Halperin: this is just like the underpants bomber
but this time Obama is getting it right

Gregory: Limbaugh says we should let people die

Halperin: and the GOP won’t repudiate him!

Gregory: speaking of triviality - polls say Obama loses to “someone else”

Podesta: my god that’s stupid

Hughes: he has to stop blaming everything on Bush

Podesta: but Bush was the worst President
of all time

Hughes: oh we all inherit challenges

Podesta: Bush nearly wrecked this country!

Hughes: but Evan Bayh says Obama is too liberal!

Podesta: well Evan Bayh is an idiot

Woodward: you are all look foolish - people thought Reagan was doomed in 1982 and later he won every U.S. state but Haiti

Halperin: Obama is good at mechanics but he’s not inspiring people which is ironic

Hughes: no it was Bush who rescued the economy by giving billions of free money to rich people who ruined the U.S. economy

Podesta: jesus fuck

Hughes: Obama lied to people - he never said
he would pass health care reform!

Gregory: Karen he ran on health care!

Hughes: well anyway he does too much

Gregory: we never had the problem under Bush

Hughes: exactly!

Gregory: Obama wants to tax the banks who
got welfare

Woodward: well they can afford it - they are giving out bonuses

Gregory: what does Bush think about Cheney going out and saying totally insane things?

Hughes: frankly he’s scared of Dick Cheney

Gregory: but what does he think?

Hughes: well I think Obama should have tortured
the underwear bomber

Gregory: you’re sick

Gregory: OMG a Democrat might lose in Massachusetts!

Halperin: that’s good news for Obama so he
can enact a weak health care reform bill

Woodward: Charles Krauthammer says Obama is a socialist

Gregory: I thought he was Kenyan

Hughes: he’s a communist

Podesta: I can’t believe Massachusetts will replace Teddy with a teabagging centerfold

Gregory: how do we defeat health care reform

Hughes: oh no I hope they don’t pass health care reform!

Gregory: not the briar patch!

Podesta: people said that about the same bill in Massachusetts but guess what they love it now

Hughes: but it still isn’t perfect so we should go back to the status quo

Gregory: even if it destroys America?

Hughes: it’s the Republican way Greggers

******************

Listen to Culture of Truth and Jesus' General Sunday night at 8:00 p.m. Eastern time!

Listen live or archived at BTR - http://www.blogtalkradio.com/virtuallyspeaking

Subscribe at iTunes http://bit.ly/7DZcGa
*******************

This Week with George Stephanopoulos hosted by Jake Tapper - January 17, 2010

This Week with George Stephanopoulos
Host:
Jake Tapper
Guests:
Bill Clinton
George W. Bush
Lt. General Keen
Rajiv Shah - USAID
******************

Tapper: Welcome Former Presidents - hey guys check out this e-mail I got - ‘the country is in total chaos, the government is totally non-existent,
law and order no longer exist’

Clinton: What does Wall Street have to do with this?

Tapper: I was talking about Haiti

Bush: the whole country went Galt?

Tapper: no supplies aren’t getting through to
people in need

Clinton: chill the fuck out Tapper - my wife is on
top of this!

Tapper: but people are suffering

Clinton: dammit government ministers are missing

Tapper: Stupid you are a failure - why exactly
did they call you

Bush: I am an expert on the dishonest spending
of money

Tapper: of course

Clinton: on the other hand I spent my honeymoon
in Haiti and raised $500 million for Haiti before the earthquake

Bush: I’ve seen every episode of ‘Jersey Shore’

Tapper: ok

Bush: the Haitian government needs to step up dammit

Tapper: Conservatives are worried sending money to a corrupt government is wasteful

Clinton: that’s rich

Bush: the question is - do we care?

Tapper: Rush Limbaugh says no

Clinton: we will condition charity on the Haitian government building earthquake-proof houses

Tapper: of course

Tapper: Bush what lessons can we learn from your incredible fuck-ups?

Bush: lower expectations so when you fail it
doesn’t look so bad

Clinton: get cell phones and radios working so the people are informed about how screwed they are

Tapper: Martha is aid getting to the people?

Raddatz: no but dude maybe you haven’t heard -
a fucking earthquake hit this place

Tapper: no!

Tapper: what about the looting - is the US military going to invade Haiti or not?

Raddatz: no you idiot

Tapper: speaking of rumors of looting - General
why isn’t the U.S. military cracking Haitian skulls?

General: this is a tragedy of epic proportions

Tapper: we know Haiti is bad

General: I meant this interview

Tapper: how many soliders do you need to crush
the Haitian insurgency?

General: lots and lots

Tapper: how many years will we occupy Haiti?

General: dunno - forever?

Tapper: Doc - why isn’t aid getting to the Haitian people?

Shah: hey we’re doing our best

Tapper: look we all agree you’re doing a good job

Shah: it doesn’t sound like it

Tapper: how many tons of aid have you delivered?

Shah: a lot

Tapper: but not all of it

Shah: dude the roads are all broken and the
airports don’t function

Tapper: well that’s true in New York

Tapper: General how many casualties are we expecting?

General: I hope we don’t lose any soldiers

Tapper: I meant Haitians

General: oh I dunno

Tapper: General Honore had a bad reaction to a
fictional U.S. non-response

Shah: well fuck him - that never happened

Tapper: fascinating

******************

Monday, January 11, 2010

The Daily Show with John Yoo - January 11, 2010

***************************
The Daily Show
January 11, 2010
Guest:
John Yoo
***********************

Stewart: everyone on earth hates your fucking
guts and fears your broken soul

Yoo: yeah but people love you so it’s the same

Stewart: it seems like they came to you and
said ‘give us permission to crush a child’s balls’
and you said ‘how hard?’

Yoo: that’s true but we were under threat by
nutjobs with boxcutters

Stewart: so you weren’t following the law
but panicking?

Yoo: no there’s a special law to follow if you’re
really really scared

Stewart: I didn’t know that was in the Constitution

Yoo: Congress and the Supreme Court could
have stopped us

Stewart: really how?

Yoo: they could have defunded our ball crushing

Stewart: if they know you're crushing
balls day and night

Yoo: all they had to do was follow the screams

Stewart: but I thought we signed a treaty
banning torture

Yoo: yeah but there’s nothing in the treaty
about not crushing balls

Stewart: but we prosecuted people for torture

Yoo: but not for ball crushing

Stewart: I’m so confused

Yoo: look we either ball crush or we give the terrorists Miranda rights

Stewart: no in between?

Yoo: dude I don’t make the rules

Stewart: according to you the Framers wanted
us to have a dictatorship

Yoo: yes but only when a President has allowed
a massive terror attack to happen - then you
can go to town

Stewart: I see

Yoo: our best Presidents were all radical
dictator war Presidents

Stewart: why did you even bother following
the law when your whole philosophy is
‘terrortime baby - fuck the law’

Yoo: look I never actually told Bush ball
crushing was legal

Stewart: jesus christ I don’t know if that the
worst thing I’ve heard or not

Yoo: look America needs a Lincoln or Hitler or
Bush even if the price is sometimes a power-mad fascist like Nixon or Obama

Stewart: you sir, are one sick, sick man

Yoo: thank you Jon

Stewart: no really I thank you - now I understand
the banality of evil that allowed the Holocaust
to happen

*****************

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Meet The Press - January 10, 2010

Guests:
Tim Kaine - DNC Chair
Michael Steele - RNC Chair
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger - Gov. Calif (R)
Chuck Todd
Andrea Mitchell
************************

Gregory: wow Reid apologized for saying Obama was pretty fly for a light-skinned black guy

Kaine: hey he was trying to be nice

Gregory: yeah but all racially insensitive remarks are all the same therefore Democrats are hypocrites

Steele: damm right - it’s a total double standard - saying we should have segregationist President
is just like using the word Negro

Kaine: ha that’s funny - you do realize that you are chair of a segregationist party and you are black?

Steele: what!? I am?!

Gregory: what is the mood of the American people?

Steele: people are very angry that they don’t have health care, jobs and a lot of debt

Gregory: Republicans would never let that happen

Kaine: we’re trying to slowly to come out of
the hole dug by massive epic GOP failures

Gregory: but the retirements!

Kaine: all Republicans!

Steele: I’m excited about the crop of insane crazy people we have lined up to run for office in 2010

Kaine: I believe Steele when he says Republicans are not ready to lead

Gregory: even liberal Obama supporters like Schwarzenegger says Obama’s health plan sucks

Steele: yeah but we will prevent people from
getting sick so it’s all good

Steele: this health plan is all about debt and deficits and you know how Republicans hate that

Gregory: except for the last 40 years

Steele: yeah well except for that

Kaine: I want to see Republicans run on
the craptacular health system we have now
- I really do

Gregory: Mike no one likes you and you’re
a little crazy

Steele: are you kidding! I’m totally down on
the street with elections! I got money off the hook!

Gregory: Is the GOP politicizing terrorism?

Steele: what!? Dick Cheney is right! Obama
never uses the word terrorism! And he hasn’t
closed Gitmo!

Kaine: good lord what a bunch of motherfuckers these Republicans are

[ break ]

Gregory: Arnold your governorship has been an utter disaster - is the worst finally over?

Schw: nah I tink ve haf much vorse to gom

Gregory: ok

Schwarzenegger: ve haf to stimulade da eegonomy

Gregory: but the debt and deficit and taxes!
David Ignatius fears we spend too much on social spending

Schwarzenegger: da taxes vill stifle da eegonomy

Gregory: oh?

Schwarzenegger: een gullyfornia ve must cut
zee penshuns

Gregory: [ laughing ] wow you are so right and handsome too

Schwarzenegger: I haf to tried to eggsplain to ze peeple zat ve haf no money

Gregory: you imposed draconian cuts - and yet you need money from the federal government

Schwarzenegger: nah ve need zem to pay
for border zeguridy

Gregory: was Obama’s stimulus a good thing?

Schwarzenegger: yah eet vas very gud but
eet vas only one-time zing

Gregory: what if you don’t get the money from the federal government that you will never get?

Schwarzenegger: nah eets like lifting a heavy ting you don’t give up - you just take more steroids until you haf grotesque mussles

Gregory: you oppose Obama’s health care reform

Schwarzenegger: yah ve are better than Nebraska so zey shuld fuk off

Gregory: good points

Schwarzenegger: zat’s againt de law to buy votes!

Gregory: um right

Gregory: what is the future for education which you are destroying?

Schwarzenegger: we changed de law that zed parents can’t be involved in skools

Gregory: what an odd law

Schwarzenegger: and Obama vas very helpful

Gregory: Obama hasn’t kept America safe

Schwarzenegger: Galm down Fluffy

Gregory: but all the terror attacks under Obama!

Schwarzenegger: I haf heard you were da moron

Gregory: where does an Austrian bodybuilder turned actor fit in a racist teabagging party of incompetent crazy people

Schwarzenegger: I haf many more silly one-liners
to deliver

Gregory: but the GOP is fucking nuts

Schwarzenegger: ve must work for da peeple

Gregory: oh

Schwarzenegger: ve are still living off da Eisenhower era and ve must built high speed rail

Gregory: good lord that makes sense

Schwarzenegger: ve vill win seats in 2010
but not because ve are gud but just because zats da pendulum

Gregory: What’s next for Ahnold?

Schwarzenegger: fix da sewers

[ banging noise ]

Schwarzenegger: pay no attention zat is just
da people rioting

Gregory: Arnold doesn’t like the health care bill which is bad for Obama

Todd: yes you could see a vein pop and that
is so sad

Mitchell: Saint Arnold is not partisan and that is a real problem for Obama - if you lose the muscleman all is lost

Gregory: McCain’s economist says we need
to spend more

Todd: right - people don’t realize that Obama is responsible for all the problems in the states as well

Gregory: this proves that government doesn’t work

Mitchell: the tea party is the most important
group in America

Todd: the recall of Gray Davis and election of Schwarzenegger was the first tea party success ever

Gregory: that worked out so well

Gregory: maybe the problem is that the American people only reward politicians who promise big spending, lower taxes, and killing people

Todd: they do love that

Gregory: look at all the Democratic retirements!!

Mitchell: the Democrats are clearly fucked

Gregory: people elect Republicans, they fuck up, vote for Democrats, and then they hate Democrats for not solving the GOP fuck ups and so vote Republican

Todd: makes sense to me

Gregory: the GOP have problems too

Todd: well only because they are controlled by people who are largely insane

Mitchell: but Saint Arnold is non-partisan

Todd: and he could never win a GOP primary because he’s not nuts enough

Gregory: David Broder says no more Mr. Spock
it’s time for Admiral Kirk!

Mitchell: it turns out the CIA double agent was working for al qaeda

Gregory: oops

Todd: Obama’s Presidency is totally reactive - so we have moved to the ass-kicking phase of his first term

Gregory: harry reid is a fucking idiot

Todd: the Dems can only hope he’s defeated

Gregory: is Obama over it?

Todd: he’s a very forgiving negro

**************

This Week with George Stephanolpous - January 10, 2010

*************
January 10, 2010
Guests:
Christine Romer
Robert Reich
Al Hunt
Judy Woodruff
Liz Cheney
George Will
*************
Stephanopoulos: Christine the economy sucks - what went wrong?

Romer: hey we’re losing lots of jobs but not
as many as before

Stephanopoulos: sure only because eventually everyone in the US will be unemployed

Romer: then we will be poised for a turnaround

Stephanopoulos: what does Obama think about
all this

Romer: he’s a TNT motherfucker!

Stephanopoulos: so are we totally fucked

Romer: the real question is will enough jobs be created to be us ot be reelected

Stephanopoulos: but not enough to keep
Timmy’s job?

Romer: ha no

Stephanopoulos: what are doing to turn America around?

Romer: we stimulated the economy and now its up to America’s crappy businesses

Stephanopoulos: even John McCain’s economist thinks we need a new stimulus

Romer: we can promote clean energy and cut taxes

Stephanopoulos: that’s all

Romer: we could fill every pothole in America

Stephanopoulos: whoa whoa - we want to end the recession not give every person on earth a job

Stephanopoulos: Joe Sestak says your health plan will tax poor union workers

Romer: no the President is willing to fight for this

Stephanopoulos: oh this he’s going to fight for?

Romer: darn right

Stephanopoulos: union workers are pissed
off at you

Romer: they’ll get over it when their plans are dropped and they don’t have to pay the tax

Stephanopoulos: experts say the plan will increase health care costs

Romer: oh you can’t trust those people

Stephanopoulos: that was your actuary

Romer: pish posh

Stephanopoulos: Wall Street banks are still giving away massive bonuses after getting welfare

Romer: yeah that’s too bad

Stephanopoulos: what are you doing about it

Romer: make a sternly worded phone call

Stephanopoulos: not a letter?

Romer: let’s not go too far

Stephanopoulos: right

[ break ]

Will: we need to cut taxes - that will solve everything

Reich: this is very scary

Hunt: the problem is only psychological
- people need to stop complaining and gets jobs yakking on tv

Liz Cheney: Obama blew the deficit and
that is terrible

Stephanopoulos: Dick said “deficits don’t matter”

Cheney: never heard of him

Woodruff: we need to calm down and not
do anything

Reich: people are angry that big businesses are making a lot of money in failing economy

Will: since people are uncertain about whether health care will pass business will never hire people

Cheney: right - capitalists are going Galt!

Stephanopoulos: Ahnold says Nebraska got the corn and dey gottda husk

Hunt: the Democrats have to pass something
even if it sucks

Woodruff: GOP are licking their chops

Stephanopoulos: ewww

Reich: the elections this year are about jobs

Will: suddenly America is worried about paying
for stuff

Stephanopoulos: right

Will: all the Congressional Democrats from California will do whatever Ahnold says

Liz Cheney: Obama is not answering questions about the terror attacks he caused

Stephanopoulos: no he spoke about the Nigeria bomber

Cheney: I meant how he caused 9/11

Stephanopoulos: right

*************

Sunday, January 03, 2010

Meet the Press - January 3, 2010

Guests:
John Brennan
Michael Hayden
Michael Chertoff
Tom Brokaw
Doris Goodwin
E.J. Dionne
David Brooks
**************************

Gregory: why did Janet Napolitano say things went great even though a terror attack was thwarted?

Brennan: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: what did the CIA know about underwear before 12/24?

Brennan: Boxer-briefs are the most comfortable
way to go

Gregory: how do we win the war on terror?

Brennan: degrading people who hate us

Gregory: how could the government let underpants-boy on a plane!?!

Brennan: calm down Fluffy

Gregory: but I’m scared!

Brennan: the government has to be seamless
and perfect every day

Gregory: dear god

Gregory: should we get rid of privacy rights?

Brennan: maybe - the Dutch have full nude
body scanners

Gregory: yeah but they are all tall and incredibly good looking

Brennan: that’s a good point

Gregory: why aren’t we torturing this Nigerian kid?

Brennan: oh I don’t know - the law or something

Gregory: boooooorrrring!!!!!

Brennan: we’ve got Jack McCoy getting a
strong plea deal right now

Gregory: should we send accused terrorists
who hate us back to Yemen?

Brennan: like George W. Bush did?

Gregory: never heard of him - did he work
for Dick Cheney?

Brennan: something like that

Gregory: President Cheney says Obama surrendered to terrorists

Brennan: Dick should spend a little more time not shooting his friends and a little time undermining
the President of the United States

Gregory: when are we going to catch Osama?

Brennan: we had him at Tora Bora and Bush
let him get away

Gregory: what’s the deal with Yemen anyway?

Hayden: it’s terror-central

Gregory: you released terrorists from Gitmo
and sent them to Yemen!

Hayden: that’s true but we had to - we ran out of orange chicken

Gregory: what mistakes did Bush make?

Hayden: we were too soft on terrorists

Gregory: right

Gregory: what about right to privacy?

Chertoff: plane travelers have the right to life dammit!

Gregory: isn’t the underwear bombing proof
that the Bush system doesn’t work?

Chertoff: hey Fluffy it worked for 7 years when we never had an attack or attempted attack

Gregory: should we have full body scanners?

Chertoff: oh yes and the fact that I get rich off
selling it is irrelevant

Gregory: what’s it’s called?

Chertoff: “Scan-Wow!”

Gregory: ok

Chertoff: blame those civil liberty loving Dutch -
we should bypass them entirely

Gregory: pass the Dutchie on the left hand side

Gregory: some terror guy told me that 90% of terrorists are young muslim men

Chertoff: well that person was using you to spout bullshit Fluffers

Gregory: unpossible

Gregory: should Dick Cheney criticize Obama or does that make him unpatriotic like Dick Cheney would say?

Hayden: people need to stop hyperventilating

Gregory: oh noes!

Gregory: isn’t Obama weak on terror?

Hayden: no but he could torture more

Chertoff: Obama has said we are at war but putting KSM on trial in New York city will weaken America

Gregory: because terrorists will attack if they think they will only go to a supermax prison

[ break ]

Gregory: how has Obama handled his first 3:00 a.m.
phone call?

Brokaw: his failure to panic proved we are vulnerable to suicidal teenagers

Brooks: Obama failed but look bad things happen and people should stop crying every time some failed underpants bomber fucks up

Gregory: why does Dick Cheney whine so much?

Dionne: because he’s a dishonest ghoul

Gregory: that’s true

Dionne: even Bush officials think he’s a hypocritical lunatic

Gregory: Doris this is not as much fun as other wars

Goodwin: because we didn’t raise taxes or do anything but go shopping

Brokaw: we learned that we can’t kill every single muslim on earth

Gregory: too bad

Brooks: this all started in Iran in 1979 and we can see that regime dying right now

Gregory: so what do we do about it?

Brooks: cut off supplies on gasoline and pretend to be tough with a lot of empty words

Dionne: what a weasel you are david

Goodwin: this proves that Obama making diplomatic overtures to China has worked

Brooks: me strong!

Brokaw: the teabaggers rule America!

Dionne: sure Tom but repealing the health plan won’t be popular either

Brokaw: warble warble

Brooks: most people oppose the Obamacare plan

Goodwin: not the actual plan just the fake Fox news version of the plan

Brooks: no one knows what’s in the plan! and they oppose the plan!

Goodwin: idiot

Brooks: it rations care! and costs too much!

Brokaw: we should kill old useless people

Gregory: like you?

Brokaw: arble garble

Gregory: this decade really sucked

Goodwin: yes but epic failure represents great opportunity

Brokaw: this is nothing - the 60s really sucked

Brooks: the future belongs to the teabaggers

Gregory: good god

Dionne: Obama has to show government can work and that will show how stupid the teabaggers are

Brokaw: 9/11 general motors wall street urble burble

Gregory: and that’s the last word

*****************

This Week With George Stephanopoulos hosted by Terry Moran - January 3, 2010

Host: Terry Moran
Guests:
John Brennan
Rep. Pete Hoekstra
Sen. Susan Collins
Sen. Joe Lieberman
Rep. Jane Harman
*******************

Moran: John why did we close the Yemen embassy

Brennan: well as soon we found out we had
one we closed it

Moran: why?

Brennan: dude the hostage crisis killed Jimmy Carter - we’re not going to let that happen again

Moran: when are we invading Yemen?

Brennan: we don’t have to - the happy little
Yemen government is going to get al qaeda for us

Moran: really?

Brennan: ha no just kidding

Moran: who dropped the ball with that Nigerian
kid with the explosive underpants?

Brennan: from now on whenever a dad calls and says ‘hey my kid is a terror loving-lunatic’ we
won’t put them on hold

Moran: bad news for liz cheney

Brennan: indeed

Moran: how come the CIA is stupider than Google
or Facebook?

Brennan: free market baby

Moran: that’s sad

Brennan: just watch college football and enjoy it

Moran: Should Janet Napolitano be fired because
of underwear boy?

Brennan: If Bush were President she’d get the
Medal of Feardom

Moran: you mean freedom

Brennan: right

Moran: 7 CIA officers were just killed in Afghanistan

Brennan: we’re trying to make sure it will never happen again

Moran: we could leave Afghanistan

Brennan: no we can’t because there are cunning swarthy people in that far off land in central asia

Moran: Pete you just got back from Yemen -
did you run into Osama bin Laden?

Hoekstra: sadly the innocent people we tortured at Gitmo are not happy about it

Moran: who knew?

Hoekstra: also there are many Americans who look forward to more terror attacks under Obama

Moran: we’ll get to Dick Cheney later

Lieberman: we have to declare war on Yemen

Moran: why did Janet Napolitano let the underoo bomber kill all those Americans?

Collins: I don’t know maybe she hates America

Lieberman: we need bipartisan hearings to determine which brown people we should kill next

Moran: hasn’t the time come to stop releasing the innocent people we tortured - I mean if they didn’t hate us before they sure do now

Harman: we should let them go just not send them
to Yemen cause it’s a crazy place

Moran: but you think we should release them?

Harman: yes let them live free in a prison in Illinois

Moran: what should America do now?

Harman: we need a global anti-terror strategy

Moran: what an interesting idea

Harman: also we should use Bush’s privacy
and civil liberties board

Moran: how would that help

Harman: when we repeal all civil rights they can
give us cover

Moran: isn’t it obvious that we can’t stop every attack?

Hoekstra: kill kill kill!

Moran: shouldn’t we start profiling brown people?

Collins: to me the real question is why wasn’t the rule invoked that whenever your dad calls an embassy about you your visa is revoked?

Moran: should this teenage Nigerian be put on trial?

Lieberman: no this misguided kid should be put
in a military brig, tortured, and disappeared - that will prove the terrorists are evil!

Moran: what about Gitmo?

Lieberman: I know Gitmo has a bad reputation-

Moran: because of the non-stop gruesome tortures?

Lieberman: yes but other than that it’s an incredibly humane facility - after all they have free health care and involuntary snorkeling

Moran: any other crazy ideas?

Lieberman: yes the CIA should be in charge of visas and also Africans should not be allowed to fly

Moran: isn’t Dick Cheney right that Obama doesn’t care about terrorism

Harman: no that’s stupid

Moran: but Dick is so strong - he shot an
innocent guy!

Harman: we’re not at war on terrorism - we’re
at war with al qaeda

Moran: Pete isn’t it disgusting to raise money for governor off an attempted terror attack

Hoektra: hey I finally got Obama to recognize that threats are real

Moran: thank for coming you repulsive man

Lieberman: thank you terry

Moran: I was talking to Pete Hoekstra

Joe: oh sorry - force of habit

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